I thought I was ready to get out there again. In November I put my internet profile on friendster at the advice of some friends with just the intention of meeting people. Since then I've received several emails and have gone out a couple of times with some girls.

I've been divorced since August, separated since June, and each month has gotten better and better. The emails I received from several girls via the site have been encouraging and lifted my spirits. However, this past week I started to crash emotionally and have since been sucked into a dark depression. It's frustrating because I realize I'm not ready to date yet.

I dated a lot in my twenties before I got married and I am just tired of dating. Following through and going out on dates has made me extremely nervous and I simply don't like it. I don't like having to plan things out for the date or the time and energy it takes to keep up the email correspondence or internet messenging.

I've always been a "loner" type and I worry that because of my failed marriage I may never really recover and want to really date again. I like the attention I've gotten, but as far as actually dating someone, I feel it takes to much time and I'm just not into it. I'm freaked out because I fear I may never really want to date again. It seems there’s a big wall that I’ve put up around me.

The anti-depressents I'm on has squashed any sexual needs I have. So there really is not a desire to "get out there". I think I’m the only guy that doesn’t desire sex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My parents are worried because of my apathy towards dating and that I don't really care anymore about finding someone. I'm happy in my own little world, but I worry that I might in fact be too happy. My passiveness towards finding someone scares me.

I simply don’t care anymore. Is this normal??

you're grieving. it is normal.

I personally zapped in the beginning months that followed my divorce, two really great guys. and one of them now I am actually attempting to date again.

my heart was NOT ready back then...even though I had been separated a year from my xh...and didn't want to date until it was legal to do so.

you just need to cut yourself some slack and heal. heal period.

go out and take a trip. get out of your comfort zone. slowly begin changing...but change yourself first and later on your heart will follow as it mends.

about six months from now, you may see things differently.

You are being far to hard on yourself.

It took me 1 year after the divorce (almost 2 years since the separation) for me to start feeling like myself again. And even then I had good and bad periods that lasted a few weeks. If you are still on the anti-D's and NEED them, then you probably aren't ready to date quite yet.

What you may need to to go out and socialize with men and women in a group. Find something you enjoy doing that is done by both sexes - hiking, biking, cooking classes, etc and start doing it. Don't worry about sex. In our world today it seems like everybody is doing it, when you aren't. And the moment you start doing it, you will start to feel sorry for all those guys who aren't. Where did they come from?

Healling is along slow process that takes more time that we like to admit.

I agree. You are being too hard on yourself. You've only been alone sine June. That's less than a year. I think there's a reason why widows and widowers usually wait a year or so to date.

Also, dating can be work, but it should also be fun. If it's not fun now, maybe you have other priorities. And that's okay.

Friends and family always want you to "find someone" because they want you to be cared for and happy. Knowing you have someone special in your life gives them a comfort because they think you'll be more fulfilled.

Some people also think the quickest way to get over someone is to find someone new. Maybe when we were in high school. LOL.

Anyway, I doubt you'll always be alone. Once you're off the ADs and out of depression, you'll be in a much better place for dating. Depression really fights you when you're trying to establish or maintain relationships. Then, you feel badly about yourself because you can't make that good emotional connection, which makes you more depressed. I should know having suffered off and on from depression since a child. Fight back against the depression by telling it that IT interfered with the dating, not that you put up insurmountable walls or have failed in anyway. (Yes, I do have conversations with the depression when I'm suffering. Hey, whatever gets you through it.)

timn:

I agree that you're being too hard on yourself and are definitely rushing things - it's good that you recognize this as well. I'm at 14+ months after D and 2 years since final separation and still have very little to no desire to date.

Have you gone to any counseling? I'd suggest that you look for a counselor near your age and be open-minded to discussing these issues. I get the sense from reading your post that you are looking for someone to make you happy. That's a normal response for most; particularly given the short amount of time since your divorce.

I also agree that you're still grieving. This is a natural emotion that has to run it's course. It may take another year or so - but don't rush this step. It's important in your long-term recovery and re-entry into another relationship.

Have you considered easing back on the AD's? Perhaps 1/2 dosage for a short while, then 1/4 and so on until you don't take them anymore. They are meant to be a short-term fix to help you with the worst times (after D-Day, and D).

Lastly - consider spending some social time with friends (male & female). It will definitely help.

Good Luck,

FR

Why are you still on anti-depression meds???

Your only 33 - just because right now you don't have the energy to date doesn't mean that energy won't ever come back. Get yourself healthy on the inside and everything else will fall in place.

Hugs

I think the schedule should be between him and his doctor.

As for crashing after being "out there" a while, I can totally relate. In my case, I was euphoric after I separated. I had married my first boyfriend and couldn't wait to get out there and to DATE for the first time in my life. I was stunned when I crashed. I wasn't prepared to go through the grieving process. Who was I to think I could skip that phase? LOL I had waited so long to end my marriage that I thought I had cried all I needed to waybackthen, but I was wrong. No doubt I scared a few guys I talked to then. I retreated from dating which was appropriate.

Maybe you should back off of dating, too, for a while, but keep in mind that "getting out there" doesn't necessarily mean dating.

What are you passionate about? What part of your life was pushed to the backburner during your marriage? What one thing have you never tried but want to? Now's the time! You can work on being the best "You" you can be... and, just maybe, while you are happy being single, you'll meet someone who shares that passion, too.

My counsellor suggested the book "Aladin Factor" by Canfield (yah, the Chicken Soup guy, but before he did those books) when I went through this phase. It did amazing things for me. I'll also recommend "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant.

Are you in counselling now? It wouldn't hurt!

Mrs. W8ing

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"History" -- by Mrs. W8ing

Three years ago she came of that age and, in preparation for the celebration, she did what she always did. She cleaned house. On day one she evicted the bogeyman from the basement--for good this time--on day two she dusted cobwebs off her graduation portrait (how young she looked then). Then on day three she made a list of 100 good things she would do tomorrow. She was focused. She was ambitious. She was going for it. This house would finally be a home! She worked diligently until playmates arrived at her door and burried her list under armfuls of toys and stories and maps and recipes. All work got pushed aside. Then on day 427 she found her list at the bottom of that pile and, lo and behold, all the things she'd most wanted to do had been done. And she was happy. And in her heart she found HOME.


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Timn, I can relate!

My divorce has been final for 1 1/2 years, separation 2.
I've dated 3 guys since then. I was REALLY ready when I met a guy over the summer and I was hurt and I've just been turned off since. And I'm okay with it.
I felt for the longest time I just needed to have someone by my side. Companionship for the most part, but I think we all long for that special someone.
I think you are just going through a phase and it's perfectly fine. I'm on the dating website and I get a little excited, date a few guys and then lost interest again. I'm not real sure why, but I don't question it for the most part, just live my life and enjoy!
I'm not sure how long you were married? That may have something to do with it. Don't rush yourself, don't let others tell you when and who and how you should date-that's your deal. And please, if you feel you need the ADs, keep taking them!!! I think you will know when it's time to flush them too. Maybe when you are on those though, is not a good time to add someone to your life. When you are feeling stronger and better then you can address when you wean yourself away from them.
What worked for me was being with my friends, doing what I like. If you don't have a workout routine maybe try that. Exercise is great for mind, body, and additude!!!
I love biking, but it's not condusive to where I live right now, so I'm going to get myself an exercise bike with my tax money. Do nice things for you! Be good to you. Realize your worth and value, what your great qualities are, and I believe the rest will fall into place!
Did I mention that I still wax and wane on the dating thing? And that's okay. Right now, not much interest, but I know there will be some eventually.
Take care, best wishes for you!

Thanks for everyone’s advice. It’s nice to know others have felt the same. I was married for 3 years. I’ve been slowing going off the AD’s and probably should have just left that off my post. I have pretty much stopped taking them for now.

What I found after my separation/divorce was that I really seeked out my friends. I was always out and about. Every month seemed better then the one before and my healing was slow but sure. I got into a dating site in December and relished the contacts that I got. It felt good to meet others and it helped my confidence. After going out on a few dates though I just said to myself it wasn’t time yet. My heart was just not into the planning and involving myself with anyone else.

In the last few weeks I’ve found myself coming off the “high” of post-divorce. My life has calmed down. I have a routine. Life is a little slower and uneventful. I don’t desire to seek out my friends for company as much as when my divorce was new. I think I’ve healed a lot. I’ve accepted what has happened for what it is and I still reflect on the times when I was married. I do have reservations about whether I will ever want to trust someone again, which is my main concern. My lack of desire to seek someone to date and “introverted” character has got me a little worried. It just seems like life is passing me by and I have been really passive lately. Being passive is comfortable for me. Hopefully it’s just part of the process…