To all of you MBs out there who agree with TD,

I guess you'll think his actions tonight were ALSO justified. I guess you'll think that it's perfectly acceptable for him to keep me from having privacy in the bathroom to change my clothes. I'm sure you'll think it's quite acceptable for him to pull the door out of my hand as I tried to close it. I'm sure you'll think it's acceptable for him to stand and not let me get out of the bathroom...and after I hit him several times to try to convince him to move out of my way (as he's quite a bit bigger and stronger than I am)...I'm sure you'll think it's quite justified for him to twist my arm behind my back and pick my leg up off the floor, and then throw me down on the tile floor, where I hit knee first and now have a big bruise.

That's the same kind of behavior he's done before, because of which a judge awarded me a Protection Order against him. Like a fool, I recinded it. He'd convinced me that his rage and violence toward me was just a "drug interaction." Hmmm...I wonder what kinds of drugs he's taking now that are interracting.

I can't live like this.

Crystal

no Crystal. That behaviour is not justified

Crystal,

I'm not going to say my behavior was justified. I should have backed off, but I want to be clear that I did not "throw you down on the tile floor." You fell because you were trying to kick me in the gonads, and I held your leg so that you couldn't.

I was wrong though. Was it about "control." Maybe, but I think it was about not wanting to have an open gaping wound in my heart, and wanting to have an open conversation instead. But you wouldn't.

I love you. I'm sorry things went the way they did, and I'm glad you came home tonight. Please let's talk... We can do so via IM, if you want, but I want some openness from and with you. SF isn't my top need from you.

You complained about the lack of connection, and THAT is exactly what I want to restore. If it was just about getting off, I could manually handle that job, but it's about connecting to you. Again, I'm truly sorry things went the way they did this evening, and I make no excuses for not backing off.

Nope Crystal,

His actions were NOT justified, but neither were yours. If you resort to physical violence, you should NOT be surprised that he does as well. It really doesn't matter who is bigger or smaller.

Neither of you should take this to the level of physical violence and YOU did as well as he.

Quit playing games here and get to work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

God Bless you both,

JL

Crystal....

Please calm down......take care of yourself. If you do feel that your health is in danger, do walk out. Noone should ever put up with any sort of abuse. I understand your husbands frustrations with the M, but he should not resort to physical abuse.

Please, take care.....

Daisy

edited to add: well noone should resort to physical abuse....you should not either crystal....

TD

Please have a look at the :LOVE must be TOUGH book. You cannot force her to love you. what you are doing has no chance of success..... Noone wants to stay in a M where they feel traped. You love her, but your actions feel like a cage to her! Please, talk to her, but you must let her feel free to love you. Forcing her to stay in a room just because YOU want to talk is not going to win her over. She has to want to stay and talk.

I am really sorry for what the two of you are going through.....

Daisy

No crystal,
Of course its NEVER justified.

Your Grown.

If you really want to leave (or just want privacy) ....then your H should be big enough to give you your space & not interject himself (knowing full well that NOTHING Good can come about when emotions are this HIGH on both sides).

By the way,
where's the pile on and LONG posts condemning TD's Past and apparently Current pattern of lets say "physicality".

I've sure seen enough in the reverse .....lets stay consistent people.

<silence> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

NOT ACCEPTABLE, JUSTIFIED, NOR SHOULD BE TOLERATED UNDER ANY, ANY, ANY, ANY, ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!! DANGEROUS, VERY DANGEROUS.

All I can tell you is that my WH pulled the same type of thing a month ago. It was his meds along w alcohol was his reasoning. I told him I did not really care what the reason, the next time there is even a threat of violence, even a hint, I AM OUT! FOR GOOD! I packed a bag, got all prepared and am STILL prepared, and will be prepared as long as we are together. Until the day I die there will be a bag packed and I will be ready to rock, if we are still together. I will not tolerate even a hint of a threat of controlling violence. I AM OUT! (and that is NOT a threat, that is a fact)

NO CRYSTAL, NEVER IS IT JUSTIFIED, EVER! NOR SHOULD IT EVER BE TOLERATED.

The pattern ALWAYS consists of Crystal initiating physical violence (hitting, kicking, and biting) with me. My response consists of trying to keep her from hitting or kicking me. She falls when she forgets kicking when one leg is being held is a sure way to fall.

Addendum to post:

NOR SHOULD IT EVER BE TOLERATED BY YOU OR BY YOUR H!

OK,
so which one had the protection order?

If I'm mistaken in that,
that's no problem to admit.

She did. The judge expressly ignored the law which indicates that proportional response IS allowed when physically attacked by another person, and holding someone's hand to avoid them hitting you AGAIN is proportional.

The reason the judge granted the PO was because I had been suicidal, and we have kids, and she didn't want to immediately have the family back together without some more evidence that I wasn't suicidal anymore.

Not that it matters, but I was the one who had the PO against him, but I recinded it.

And, yes, I did start the physical violence first, because I hit him first. However, I never would've hit him if he hadn't trapped me in the room, refusing to let me go OR to close the door to have privacy. We have a decent sized bathroom with a separate room for the toilet...and that's where I was.

And the whole "she fell" story is BULL...and he's used that line before too. The judge didn't buy it then, and I doubt a judge would buy it now.

Crystal

I love it that you ALWAYS have to be right, TD. And, actually, the judge awarded the PO this summer because you had held me against my will. But I really LOVE your skewed version of the truth.... And with that, I'm going to sleep.

No, the judge expressly found that WAS NOT a valid cause because you were able to leave, which you did.

Crystal,

You know I have a HUGE problem with this thinking. You start the physical violence and then complain because YOU got hurt. You know if you were a guy and this happened a judge would throw you in jail even if the person you attacked put you in a body cast.

YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR MIND STRAIGHT GIRL. YOUR BEHAVIOR IS NOT EXCUSABLE. PERIOD END OF STORY. If YOU DON'T WANT PHYSICAL VIOLENCE, THEN DON'T START IT.

Have you got that? I know that you know that you can go crying to the court that he hurt you or was physical and get him thrown out or worse. Probably very likely why you are doing what you are doing. HE IS A BIG FOOL to be bothered with you.

You have NO IDEA how mad I am reading this post and the STUPID actions of both of you. GET TO COUNSELING BOTH OF YOU NOW!

TD, you should KNOW something before you mess around with this. Women kill many many more men, than men kill women in domestic disputes. THAT is a HARD COLD FACT. GO LOOK IT UP, on your way out of there. You cannot win this no matter how in the right you feel. She knows this and she is using it, you can see it right here.

You two fools get away from each other NOW!

JL

OK, I have three daughters, too. One of them has as an early, perhaps a first memory, Daddy spanking Mommy and yelling "G.. d... it." Lovely, huh?

I have one suggestion. Try reading the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders and following the POJA. If neither of you does anything without the other being happy about it, there's no reason to fight. It's as simple as that.

Cherished

STOP IT! Both of you, just stop! You have children in the house who you just exposed to a violent scene. You both need to back off and cool off. Scenes like this are traumatizing to the kids and will stay with them forever. You two are supposed to be the adults. Be the grown-ups. Quit blaming each other and JUST STOP for your kids. You are both out-of-control. You can address the issues between the two of you in the presence of a counselor, not at home, and certainly not now. Call a truce NOW. Look, my H&I had to do just that and agreed not to raise big issues unless we were with the counselor until we were able to talk without arguing. It works. Quit coming here to try to tell everyone but each other YOUR side of things.

This is sick. You've got your kids there. It's time to pull back and JUST STOP. You certainly aren't going to cool down by continuing this or trying to talk tonight.
Shellybird

shellybird is right.

Please take care of yourselves and your kids. Take a break, agree to hold off. Discuss what you need to in the counseling session with Jen tomorrow.

Take a bath, get some sleep......

Daisy

JL...you are SO dead on about this!

Stillwed