My husband has been attending college for over a year. When he first started we were seperated (across continents), due to my EA, but still trying to figure things out. He began dating a "Christian" girl who was "waiting til she was married" and although he broke it off with her when we decided to stay together, she continues to come back (again... and again... and again...)

I mentioned to my H that since we had told both our families, perhaps we should write a letter to hers as well. He has tried to break it off with her numerous times and each time she comes back, their relationship progresses to the next level. (At the rate they're going, if she comes back again the only thing left to do is get pregnant). She comes from a Christian family and I thought it would help him break it off for good to tell them as well...

When I first mentioned this to him, he was pretty irritated. Didn't want to get them involved. Tonight he called and asked if I'd sent that letter to her family? (I know her aunt and uncle's address where she was staying this summer, as I wrote her when I found a cd she made for him at the end of the school year.) I said I hadn't, why? He asked if I still wanted to. I said, if you think it would be a good idea, sure. He said he was going to try and get her parents address...

So now's the big question... what do we write??? does he write it or do I write it??? (I know in plan B the BS may write to her in-laws, him and the OSS, but we're somewhere between Plan A and B... I made him leave, but trying to come up with a way that this will not continue to happen.) I was really encouraged that he revisited writing this letter though. He'd been seeing her every week since Fall qtr and last week he went out of his way to avoid her (taking different routes to class etc.) I had also found a college profile account he was on which said he was "in a relationship" (not "married") I've since signed up and he's added my name to who he's in a relationship with. The OW had a profile last week, but it hadn't been active since last July. In the last 5 days she's been quite active, adding friends, etc... (unfortunately I graduated from a different school and can't actually read her profile, just see the pic she added and the friends... very peculiar.)


Any advice, help, etc would be greatly appreciated as well as a point in the right direction to any possible sample letters that would apply (both to breaking it off with her, as he hasn't done that yet and exposing her to her family...)

thanks!

(( SBD ))

I have no real advise to give you. I am sure others will chime in here to help you out.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and welcome you.

Best regards - Carnation

I think exposing to OW's parents will be a huge step in putting an end to the A.

Is your H willing to write a NC letter to the OW and end it?

Kim

Ok...I don't know the Plan's here...but to me...are you not grown-ups? Shouldn't this be done within the confines of your marriage? If you have to get all of these people involved for your H to get a clue...I just don't get it. Why involve innocent people? Ok, if she is 18, then I understand,but otherwise...

I've been in this same type of situation & I called the girls parents....of course, I was pregnant & she wound up pregnant during the back & forth, back & forth....how can you trust him? The only way that she can come back is if he "takes her back". You are completely misleading yourself. What will end up happening, is you will write the letter, make yourself look like an idiot (like I did), after accomplishing what you want (which I am assuming is to get her away from him), you will have him. And believe me, honey, that is not always for the best. Because, chances are, (like me) this will always be between the 2 of you & you will NEVER be able to trust him. It's not worth it. I promise. If a letter has to be written to the parents of this girl (who obviously feels as though she has a reason to be going back to him), he should do it, not you. He's the one who has made this mess, he should clean it up.....

Daybyday,
I am afraid you will get it when it is too late. You have much to read and witness yet.
Regards

Sickofit,
Chances are unlike you, she has a chance to make a go of her marriage.
Chances are she has not given up like you.
Chances are she can rebuild her trust if he shows her he can be trusted.
Chances are she will not heed your advice and seek those that have recovered their marriages and in that process recover her own. Go pi** on someone else parade!
SBD, God bless you in this trial and good luck. You do what needs to be done. Expose if you feel this will help kill this A for good.

BKarl,
Chances are, you have never been lied to, you have been the liar.
Chances are, you have not been put into a position like this, much less criticize my opinion when I have LIVED this.
Chances are, the future prediction of behavior is based on PAST behavior.
I HAVE lived it. I've BEEN there. I was the one who BELIEVED everything that he told me. How can something be salvaged if he continues to allow it? What kind of man is he that, despite the fact that HE put himself & her in this situation, he would have the audacity to ask HER to fix it. She deserves better. Anyone would deserve better than that. Everyone is allowed to say what they feel here.....I'm not her shrink, her counselor, or her friend. I am not suggesting that she follow my advice. I am merely relaying MY OWN experience & I would NEVER want anyone to go through what I go through on a daily basis. And as far as p****** on someone's parade, you should know what p*** is, because you are full of sh** (both p*** & sh** are bodily functions.) And I would rather p*** on someone's parade than to let the be sh** on by people like you.

BKarl...
Are you saying that other people shouldn't have opinions? You have yours and I have mine. Just offering a different way of thinking is all. What works for one person might not work for all.

I do believe if the OP is M, the spouse of the OP has a right to know and I can see telling that person...just not the rest of the family.

If the BS having the A does not value the M enough to get out of the A on their valition, then is it really a M? I wouldn't want to stay with that person.

JMO

Daybyday,

With respect, you have to be here a while to see the futility of what you think.

DBD,
To you, please know that I mean no disrespect to you. I had to deal with my husband going back & forth while I was pregnant with our daughter. I thought that the only way to get this OW to leave him alone would be to get her parents involved. And after months of me harrassing them, what I did finally paid off. In the process, I completely lost every shred of dignity that I had left (which wasn't much).... The OW has finally left him alone. And when all of the smoke cleared, she had gotten pregnant with someone else's child, only wanted him because someone else did, etc. He & I are married , & even though he SEEMS to have turned over a new leaf, I'm afraid (for myself, not for you) that I will never be able to get over what he put me through. And while your situation is a little better because there are no children involved, we are much the same. I wish someone would've told me how I would feel when it was all said & done. If I could go back, I would do it differently. Stand up for yourself. Because in the end, you will be the one who will have to "live with yourself".......I have a hard time doing so.....and again, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.......

First of all she is here trying to figure out how to save her marriage.
And if you had read anything here, exposure is done to kill the affair. You expose to as many as needed to kill it.
Go to the divorce boards with you opinions. You are obviously there!
Come here for excitement did you?
Go read Harley's basic concepts. You may just leave here with some knowledge!

You are right...it probably would be ineffective...but isn't that a sign of something?

I guess I have been in every role there is...a child of an adulterer (my father), a BS (now D) and an OW (now done). In trying to figure how the ****** I got involved in an A after knowing how painful it is...I have done alot of soul searching. As a child, I completely lost respect for my mom for not leaving...it seemed pathetic to me (we are close now)...as a wife I went through that same pathetic holding on to something that had died....then getting involved in an A...yikes!! I finally woke up and said "Get some self-respect!!!" I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP IN WHICH I AM NOT RESPECTED...and that is where my comments come from today.

Sickofit,
If you still feel that way it is not all said and done. It is all said and done when you are recovered or divorced. Has your WH not helped you to recover? Has he not shown you his remorse and aided you in healing. What is your story? C'mon share with us and maybe we can see where and who you are.

I do listen closely to what people say...I believe this is the general questions area right? Or am I mistaken...However, I do not follow just to follow...I listen and do what I feel is right for myself.

I am sorry BKarl...but your comments are rude and unnecessary...there is no need to be a jerk. Believe it or not I have been through alot and might have something good to sharen from my experience...you might not agree, but you are not the only one here.

Bkarl,
And if YOU had read anything here, you would see that I am not "there", I am married. Are you? Because God bless your wife/husband for having the patience to put up with such an egotistical @$$ like you. Perhaps you have not read some of the passages in the Bible that tell you "do not judge, least ye be judged". Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, don't judge me. You don't know me. You haven't been through what I have. So come down off of your high horse or whatever throne you are on (and with you being so full of it, I hope for your "spouse's" sake that it's a porcelian one), and ATTEMPT to be compassionate & know all of what someone has to say before opening your mouth.............Maybe you should try the IDIOTVILLE board, you seem to be the president. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Yep, if you can't respect yourself how will others.

Sickofit,
Why are you still married then?

Like DBD, I am continuing to "save my marriage". But that doesn't take away from the fact that I still have all of this "unresolved" crap that I have to deal with. There is no timetable on recovery. I can't help it that I don't trust him anymore. I try, but I have my guard up because I WILL not be made a fool of again. I WANT my marriage to work, but more than likely, it won't. I'll still try. And you can't fault me for that. I never suggested that she give up on him......never ONCE did I say that. She asked for opinions. I related to her story, gave her a brief synopsis of what happened with me, but I told her that the outcome of this MIGHT NOT be what she thought it would. Just because the affair was exposed, whatever else, doesn't mean that it ends THERE. There is still aftermath, shell shock, whatever you want to call it..... I wish that someone would've told me what was to come.....because BELIEVE me-sometimes what I go through NOW was worse than what I went through THEN........

If he is not doing anything to build your trust then you have no reason to trust him. He made a fool of himself not you! I would never fault you for trying to save your marriage. Why would I do that? Then keep reading and find out how recovery is tougher that the actual affair was. And if you don't think it is ask some of these people that have been here for a few years now.
The affair ends hopefully and until it ends recovery can't start.
The betrayal we have all felt will never end. We can only hope our marriages become better and that pain is replaced with a new happiness.
Boy you sure can spit some venom too!