Well, I called W tonight, to my surprise she actually picked up. Spoke briefly about the tax form she needed to sign. Kept it short.
Few minutes later she called back to inform me that she is going to send in the paperwork to finalize the D. I didn't get emotional, just calmly as I could said okay, and how about some of her stuff here...
Had a long ~45min discussion with her telling me to move on with my life and hope I find happiness. That she still cared about me as a person.
She: have you moved on?
Me: I don't know what that means.
She: going out there meeting new people
Me: Yeah, some, although I don't get too many chances to meet new people.
She: you should go out and meet new people...
Me: are you trying to protect me from something?
She: I'm protecting you from your feelings
Me: so you are seeing someone
She: Yeah, I'm dating...
Me: I hope you find happiness
She: I hope you do too, it's not healthy to stay in one place
Me: my happiness is not going to depend on me dating someone. It will be found within myself...
Me: Remember the promise we made to eachother that we would always work things out...
She: TRY to work things out yes.
Me: I'm just trying to hold true in my heart to that promise.
Me: do you still wanted to be friends like you said before?
She: yes... After awhile she said that it could only happen if we both had new relationships.
Me: have found a new R?
She: I'm dating. I think you should too
She: would it be easier if I told you I was in a R.
Me: I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear. Whatever I ask is only to know the truth...
She: So is friendship the only thing you want from me?
Me: What I want is something you don't.
She: if you want more than a friendship, I can't give you that...

Eventually she said that we probably couldn't be friends. I agreed right away.

She: You are a good person, one thing I will miss is your friendship.
Me: I will miss a lot about you. We had some good laughs didn't we?
She: There were a lot of things...
Me: yeah, that's true
She: I better go and get some sleep.
Me: good night.

I am in such a dark place right now...

I'm sure most of us have been in that same dark place. Sorry you're so sad. Is it the middle of the night where you are? You really should try and get some sleep.

Stu -

Truly a painful experience. You already know this but I'll remind you anyway: Tomorrow the sun will rise again. You will be one day farther from where you are today. This too shall pass.

I sincerely hope that you find some moments of real peace today.

Be well.

I have suspected that she is in a relationship - not just now starting to date.

You are going to need to start working on a nice life for yourself if you want to wait this one out.

Have you been doing that?

Stu, I read your story. Sounds like mine.

She is definitely having an A...it was probably a EA for a long time & turned into an A a little later.

Its hard to accept that, I know. Ive been there & it was hard for me to accept. My wife did the same things... she wanted a separation, moved away to her folks, but never went all the way in putting the paper work thru. Guilt was keeping her from doing it. I suspect your WW is feeling guilty as well. Like my xWW, she moved away for a reason. To get away from prying eyes....she doesnt want people to know what she is doing.

Question: Have you hired a PI yet? Investigate as much as you can. You will find something.

stu....

I am so sorry to hear this. I suspect it is not just dating, but a R. I think you did great in what you told her. I hope you believe it. You will find happiness within yourself, and when you ready you'll share it with the right person.

I can relate to the pain you feel. You don't want to be just friends. Dealing with the same issues. Hard to believe and accept that our spouses just want that from us, after everything we have been to each other. I struggle with this myself, every time I see H.

I guess you can still hold out, but at this point it is a big risk you take by continuing Plan A. I feel it the same with me. Continuing to hope is a risk. I figure that there comes a time when I'll be ready to take that first step away from the relationship. We have to live and enjoy our lifes as well.

Take care of yourself stu. I hope you got some sleep, it had to be a rough night. But know that it will pass. Even though we all want our spouses back in our lives, we are moving forward in our lives without them. The pain is there, and when a shock like you got yesterday comes, the pain is bigger, but then it supsideds, and we keep moving. We survive it.

{{{{stu}}}}}

Daisy

Thanks for the support,
Believer,
what do you mean wait this one out?
working on a nice life...I've been just working on myself, trying to work on my career, getting into a routine. No I've not been out dating and such.

el_diablo,
I've done the PI thing, he was pretty useless, followed her around, didn't find anything and just wanted to keep asking for money. I couldn't afford to have this guy keep following her around.
If I need to find out, I'd better take a couple of weeks off and go do some spying on my own.

Thanks for hug daisy

Dear Stu,

I'm so sorry! That is definitely a ton of bricks and they must feel like they are all on your chest right now! I just ache for you!

Just try your best to take good care of yourself right now. Eat when you feel like you can't, sleep, take a good multiple vitamin...we don't want all of that stress giving you a rough time with your physical body a few months down the road.

I think that you left her with some good thoughts. I might be wrong, because I'm fairly new to your story, but I'll bet you sounded stronger and more sure of yourself to her...even more sure of what you want. That's important for your self-esteem even if it doesn't fix anything in the relationship. You can't change her. I wish it were so, but you can't.

Take care and stick around here for support! {{{{{{Stu}}}}}}

Stillwed

Well, Stu - I would just move on and make a happy life. If it is an affair, which I think it is, it will very likely end. I don't think you have to worry much about Plan A as she is not living near you. When you talk to her, be pleasant, but don't contact her.

This won't be easy, but you can get through it. You definitely should not be dating - forget about that. Whether you get a divorce or not, you won't be ready to date until you have worked through this.

thanks still,
Believer
There is no point of exposuring in this case is there???

I feel like I should've gotten angry with her and make her realize what a horrible thing it was for her to be going into a R and not even be divorced...

stu....

Your W said that she will miss your friendship. There is a small chance she will miss more as you are out of her life. However, if she ever realizes it, it will take time, and in the meantime you have to live your life. So, you limit the contact, be pleasant when you talk (as believer says), and keep moving forward. And if she comes back somewhere down the line, you will be in a good place to decide if that is what you want. Give yourself time to heal.


You are much stronger than you think stu.

Sometimes I wish my H would say, well I guess we should not be friends, because right now I am not strong enough to say I don't want to be friends with you. I still have hope and want to keep him in my life.


Daisy

I have no advice. Just want to say I wonder about the same thing for my own situation.

Hope someone has an answer for this.

Daisy

So the PI didnt work out. Thats ok. My xWW & I went to a marriage counselor weekly for 7 months. All during that time she was acting inappropriately (I found little notes to other men, she had her own cell phone & email....etc, etc)
So I understand when professionals we seek for help sometimes dont do much in the way of helping.

It still sounds like she is having an A though & that she had one way before she moved away. It just sounds so typical. You arent a bad guy. Far from it.


There are 2 ways in which people leave a marriage. One way is that they can be 'pushed' out by the other spouse. Which seems to suggest physical & verbal abuse, emotional abandonment, drug use, etc. Things that make sense for someone to leave.
The other way is they are 'pulled' out by another person in the picture. She may have a friend or friends telling her all sorts of things & giving her advice on what to do. That advice usually doesnt consider the other spouses best interest.

Seems like she is trying to convince you that you 'pushed' her out. If you snoop around diligently & dont find an A...I'll be greatly surprised.

Stu,

Sorry to read that heart wrenching exchange but call me contrary .... her call showed no love or compassion for you..not one bit.

It was done to allay her guilt.Period.

You are in my prayers Stu

Hi Stu,
It's like the breakup all over,again. Treat it as such, in that you need to be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself as StillWed suggested. Give yourself time to absorb this, you dont have to do anything right now. I'm sorry - 5 hours away makes this difficult. Please take care - Dru

Thank you all for the support... I'm very discouraged right now.
All the self improvement and prayers have been in vain. While I've been here working on myself, hoping one day she'll see it and in the mean time she's out having fun with some other guy.
I am so tired of this pain...

Stu,

My heart goes out to you. My situation is so similar to yours that it's scary. I have had almost the same exact conversation. It must come from a WW conversation guide or something.

Like you, I've spent a few weekends praying, crying and trying to improve myself, only to find that she has been out having fun with a kid. She's 40 and he's 26 (lives with his parents). I finally had all I could take and blew up, totally made an [censored] out of myself by giving her a public cussing, throwing the remainder of her stuff out of our house and making the boyfriend come and get it. I regret the vulger things that I said, but not that I exploded because it felt great. Eight months of holding it in was enough.

Now, I'm just waiting for this divorce to come final so I can move on. I miss the woman that I used to know, but absolutely hate the one I've known the last eight months.

Keep your head up, because you did what was right and tried your best to make this work. I know, even with all the pain, that I had rather be in my shoes than hers. If you think about it, you will probably feel the same way.

Still, thanks for your email... no speaker here on my computer at work will check it at home today.

stu...

Know that this day will pass. When I found out that H is in "love" and always has been in love with his friend back in Nov. I did not think I could make it through the day. But I did. And then 2 weeks ago when I found out about H's A (or whatever) it was a shock, but it was not as painful as the info in Nov. We keep on healing!

I know it is an awful thought to know for sure that the person you love is involved with someone else. Believe me, the idea breaks my heart all over again each time I let myself think about it.

All you can do now is to focus on you. Keep working on yourself. It does feel dicoraging to know you keep improving and she does not notice. She sees what she wants to see (my H is the same way), it makes it easier for them to keep walking away.

Like someone said earlier, you don't have to act now.

Daisy