I've been wondering how many people are on their second or subsequent marriages? The reason I ask is do you think you are trying harder to save your second marriage than you did your first? In hindsight, do you REGRET not working harder to save your first marriage? Just curious. TT

Married twice. I have never been sorry for the end of my first marriage. No regrets.

I believe that I worked harder on my second (current) marriage. Evidence of that is that we are still married despite FWH's affair. If XH had been unfaithful, I would have ended the marriage immediately. But then, I never had the emotional attachment to him that I do my current H.

Who

Yeah, this is marriage number 2 for me also. And I would definitely say I am working harder to save this marriage. I was only 17 when I got married the first time, and it was because I was pregnant. I thought I loved my XH, but I didn't even know what love was.

I would have to say that I really didn't even attempt to repair my 1st marriage, we were divorced by the time I was 20. The only thing I feel bad about is that he was really upset, he cried, etc., but I seriously felt nothing. I wasn't having an *A* or anything, I just simply didn't have any feelings for him. I think I was just playing house. But knowing how I felt with the threat of divorce hanging over my head.....I feel bad about not at least taking his feelings into consideration. I even thought about writing him an apology letter...but he's been married for about 17 years now, and I don't think he'd really want it, or understand why I wrote it.

I know that I don't want to be married a 3rd time....I don't want that kind of stigma. It actually took me a long time to be okay with getting married this time. I was scared, I didn't want it to end up like the last one did.

I love my current husband very, very much, and I had always planned on spending the rest of my life with him.....I hope that will still be my reality.

God Bless,

-Caren

Similar story to WhoMe. This is my 2nd marriage and I am definitely working harder to save it than I would have done with my first. I married young the first time around (23) and by year 5 it was obvious that we weren't right for each other. We parted amicably and then I met my current H. I thought this relationship was really "it", but now I'm not so sure... My first H and I went through 6 months of MC and a trial separation and I really think we did all we could do under the circumstances. I don't regret calling it quits.

This is my second marriage as well. I have always had regrets in regards to the children. Since the A I have had regrets in not trying harder the first time. But I will put the effort into this second M because I believe we should learn from our past and not make the same mistakes over and over. Step children and a A in the second makes the first M problems look very small now!!!

Merlin2

Second marriage for me as well.
First was a sad mistake but resulted in DD so I can never look back with regret.

Second is far worse than first. Lots of baggage w/blended family, etc. Don't know how this one will end. Hope it doesn't but, future looking bleak.

Made lots of mistakes; married too quickly both times. Wish I could have talked current H into MC early on to deal w/issues we simply swept under rug and pretended didn't exist.

I am married to my one and only love of my life.
I met my husband when I was 15, and we dated until I was 18.
We have been married for 27 years now.

I fell in love with him at 15 for the same reason I am still in love with him 30 years later.

Under all those layers of crust, bitterness, resentment, and all those unsaid hurts, lies the sweet man I married all those years ago.

Slowly, we are pulling back the layers of ugliness, one by one and exposing our best qualities that have been buried for the past decade or so.

My goal is for both my husband and I to become vulnerable and open to one another; to share each other's most inner secrets and protect one another in love and understanding.

Me - First marriage.
FWW - 2nd marriage.

FWW had 4 affairs during her first marriage (I was one of them which resulted in marriage). The guilt of her A during our marriage hurt her so much that she expossed the A to me and decided to seek help. Now we all (us, family, and the counselors) feel she is on the right path.

Not all affairs are about EN's. The pattern of all her affairs have been explored and she was very self-destructive during depression. Now she is on AD's and we are both seeing IC.

First and only marriage for us both. We've been married 21 years.

After D-Day I sought and found a pro-mariage MC (this was a month before finding MB) because I am a strong believer in marriage for life.

Once you've been in a train wreck you become leary of riding on trains. This is how I feel about marriage.

This is my first and last marriage. I just couldn't imagine being this intimate with anyone else ever.

Marriage is hard.

My 1st H did the bait & switch. I tried very hard to make the marriage work but he was a petty, manipulitive, bitter man. I'm very glad I D'd him, and only wished I'd D'd him sooner.

With my 2nd H, I also tried very hard (not harder, but very hard). He turned out to be a man of character and it all worked out nicely, but I would have D'd him, too, if he decided not to be a quality H. I'm not wasting my life on a man who does not deserve me. I'd much rather be alone than in an unfixable relationship - Dru

first and only marriage for us, sept will be 20yr anniversary.

there were too many stating second marriages, i thought i better speak up to help the count of first marriages.

First marriage for me and my WH. I waited until I was 30 to get married. 14 years for us this past Sept.

First marriage for Crystal43 and I.

I can't imagine trying harder to save a marriage than I have been trying... I can certainly imagine being better (more successful) and/or more skillful at winning back the heart of my FWS, but as for trying harder, no.

First marriage for me and my FWS also...We didn't have kids until we were in our mid-30s so we could enjoy them...

I think that if we didn't have children together, I would be more tempted to walk away at this point...

*** Post deleted based on new POJA related to feeling uneasy if I were to post on message boards where some responses are from either sex, also guessing spouse would feel disrespected if private family concerns were posted ***

This is the first marriage for either of us.

We were both 21 when we married had our first child at the age of 24.

We both now in our 40's. Half of both our lives together. 24 years.

I still love him as much today as I did the day I married him. He was always the proud husband and father and had always said yes thats my wife the love of my life. that sure changed in a matter of a few months.

I still believe in our marriage even though he doesn't. Our divorce he filed will be over sometime this spring. The OW is his soulmate and who he loves .... Yuck.... I am now just someone out to get his money ..... Yup he is wacked for sure.....

I am doing good and making it on my own but still have some hope he will get it one day......

I like CN can't imagine being this intimate with someone else. So for now another marriage is not even something I would consider. But who knows what the future holds....

Hurting

Second marriage for me. My current H knows that during my first M I "allowed" my H to have numerous affairs. My first M was not only full of affairs, it was full of Physcial Violence on his part. (if anyone would ever wish to talk with me on this, I do feel sady, to be an expert about it)

I am telling you this because I do believe that my WH thinks that since I allowed my ex to cheat so much, that I would think it would be ok if he did. Or, I would certainly not leave and believe,tolerate his lies.

Well, I was not in love with my first H and this heart break is a new and horrid thing for me. This is absolutely nothing at all like my first M. I have told WH that I will not be involved in a three person marriage and if he thought I would, he really does not even know me.

My first M was shallow and I so wanted much more out of this. So far,, not so good.

Oh, this is his 5 marriage....

Best regards - carnation

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I don't think my WH is my soulmate or the love of my life. It is such a long time since I felt 'in love' with him but I still have a sense of duty that I can't shake off, despite his A. Despite your partners' behaviour, it is evident that some of you still deeply love your spouses - so I really hope your situations get resolved.

I can't help but hope that somewhere, out there, is something better for me. Perhaps, I'm just being naive, as usual. TT

TT,

I don't think your being naive at all. I am sure there is someone out there for you.

You will find it when the time is right. God is in control and he will let you know when the time and person is right. He will do this for all of us, be it making our marriages better or finding something or someone new.

I wish you the best....


Hurting