Do you or have you felt your WS should only have one chance of being given your trust? Why give a second chance to someone who made a choice not to be trustworthy? My marraige vows are sacred and now broken.

Jasper,

Each of us has to make his or her own choice in this matter. If you want to divorce your unfaithful husband, you can.

I don't know your story, but for some of us, there were reasons to try. In my case, my XW proved to be unworthy of that effort, and we are now divorced - but I had 3 more years living full time with my daughter - and for that, the suffering was worth it.

It has been asserted (and by some BS's) that recovery is often possible - and if it is possible - it is often worthwhile. There is no gaurantee that you will fare any better in a second marriage than in this one - and there are people here who have been the victim of infidelity in more than one marriage.

It is your choice.

But to answer your question : "Why give a second chance?" ... I would say that you might as well ask that about any failure of mistake or offense in life. If you are a Christian, I can say that the Christian faith is all about second chances. As for your vows, I guess it depends on the vows. My view of the vows (and I remember telling the pastor who married us this point of view), is that each person takes the vows individually - although at the same time. The marriage vows are not "I will do this if he does that". They are simply "I will do this." None of us are perfect, and no marriage can function without forgiveness and without each person being willing to do his or her part without waiting for the other to do it first. Infidelity is an extreme situation, but to some extent this principle even applies there.

Still, it is your choice.

-AD

-AD

In my situation I was drawn to the story of Hosea. I am fortunate to have a loving wife who has worked so very hard to let God have the control in her life.

As a side note - she had been given many "chances". In then end I offered her no more chances. Those had been all used up. It was a one time offering of amnesty that was presented to her.

I am blessed. I hope you are too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi ((((Jasper))))) no one knows for sure how they will react until they are actually in the position themselves.

Every morning I wake up it is a decision to live well, part of that is the choice to love & the decision to trust.

We all of us make mistakes some hurt ourselves, some hurt others.

Adultery is a HUGE MISTAKE & hurts EVERYONE....ask anyone who has got out the other side, ask anyone involved.....it just gets deeper & deeper into despair or desperate action.

Being fooled is much less than actually being a fool.

Committing adultery is absolutely verification of emotional immaturity, insecurity, low-esteem, fk'd up psyche, you name it, narcisstic tendencies, doubts of self worth, lovability, attractiveness, afraid of real intimacy as in reveal all of themselves. Gawd the list could go on.

Love is not rationed at it's source.

I am sorry I have not read your story. I am basing what I write solely as my personnel opinion.

I am married to a man who had not discovered how fk'd up his way of helping himself when faced with difficulties really was. Serious issues with justification & entitlement. What it really boils down to was personal choice, a decision made by an imbalanced mind.

So your questions
"Do you or have you felt your WS should only have one chance of being given your trust?"
Well hello that's what one persumes the day you get engaged. I would like to answer yes to your question, reality in life is soo different. As a young & enthralled wife I adore my husband. I could not limit it to number of times as I at the time was naive, I let things slide by me unquestioned. I wished I knew then about BOUNDARIES personnel & marriage.

As a mature woman now I would say you have to decide for yourself what you really want.....ask yourself....
Do you love the person?
Do you want to grow old with them?
How do you visualise your life in 5years time?
What impact will your decision have on you?
What impact will your decision have on your spouse?
What impact will your decision have on your children?
What impact will your decision have on your extended family?
What impact will your decision have on your true lifelong friends (the ones who'll help you pick up the pieces of your shattered lives)?

What impact will your decision have on your own belief in your self that you are a good & loving person?

Are you prepared to heal?? That is the hardest part.

If someone has decided to prove themselves Untrustworthy a 2nd time it is heartbreakingly difficult to overcome the hurt but is overcomeable (if there is such a word)....anyways it is possible to have a real honest relationship with a person who has betrayed more than once, it is just sooooooooo muuuuuuuuccccccchhhhhh d444444444mmmmm harder to get established on the trust.

The ba5turd thing is the one that broke the trust has to really want to do this for themself 1st, then you, not because it is the right thing to do, they have to want to be trustworthy 1st to themselves, then want YOU to trust them, so therefore would in the ideal world of healing do anything to help restore your faith in them.

So you've got to have a real idea of what you want first.
Then you have to know what the person who broke the trusts wants too!!
Then you have to both agree how the h3ll you'll do it.
Get a plan together & move forward.

Just my thoughts for the mo.
from the Wife of a man who struggled numerous times with his own value system & coping mechanism.

I needed to know what was different this time as opposed to the day we married, or the last time. No bull, listen with your heart then with your mind. Hear what your betrayer tells you clearly. You will know.

This will hurt either way & you will survive.

Get counselling.

Jasper,

All I can say is this...Before being thrust into this situation and literally waking up one day and my whole world was shook by an earthquake, I never thought that I could tolerate my H having an affair. I thought, I would be gone...

However, I have three children, and I love my Husband, despite the personal betrayal and hurt that I feel. When I read SAA and HNHN, along with Infidelity FAQs on this site, I can identify with the situations, and realize that I am accountable for my part in the marriage pre-A.

I also woke up one night after DDay and realized that I wanted to know that I had done everything I could to save my marriage, and that if we followed MB principles, we could have a much better marriage than we did pre-A.

I wish you good luck in your journey...I am just starting out and know it is a long road...keep reading here, the people here have helped me tremendously.

You are not alone...

These are not questions for other BSs, these are questions for you.

If you believe it's one strike, you're out, I suggest you first have to determine what constitutes such an untrustworthiness "strike." At one extreme, infidelity perhaps, and at the other, maybe not being honest with how much that item at the store REALLY cost.

Maybe more strikes allowed for lesser examples?

I imagine you've already decided that more than one chance feels right for infidelity, hence your question and you want us to say, "yea, that's OK."

We can say what was OK for each of us, but we'd be presumptuous to try to say for you.

Here is a place where you can start to find the answer: How many chances would YOU like to have?