Just thought I'd tell my story. It sounds very similar to many others here although there are some twists to the tale though. I married her 15 years ago. We have actually known each other for more than 25 years as we met when we were in high school and dated on and off until we were about 21. She married, I remained single although she called me every year on my birthday which I thought was nice. She divorced after 6 years as her husband was an alcoholic and never home. We hooked up through a mutual friend and were married about a year or two after her divorce. We have two children B/13 G/6, Fast forward to June 2005.

I noticed she was spending a ton of time on her cell phone in fact 4-6 hours a day. I asked her several times who she was talking to and she replied, "to a friend". Well, after several weeks of this, I continued asking her who she was talking to and the story changed from day to day. Finally, I checked the cell phone records and found the number. I ran the number through a service and got the persons name and address turned out it was another man living in California (we are in Illinois), I confronted her and she admitted she had met someone on classmates.com, she also said she'd not met him in person and he lived 2000 miles away.

I couldn't understand why she could share her thoughts and emotions with someone she had never met or really knew for that matter (sound familiar?) so, I did more investigative work (e-mail, voice mails, etc....) and discovered some alarming e-mails with her professing her undying love for this guy and her dream of the two of them walking hand-in-hand on the beach with our kids (and his, he has two from a previous marraige). After I found out who he was and what was going on, I thought the world was coming to an end. I called her Sister as I had no one else to turn to, I told her what was going on, when I mentioned his name, she literally dropped the phone! It turns out, he was romantically involved with my wife's sister 10-12 years ago when she was going through a divorce and she's actually known this guy since grade school as he is originally from Illinois!! This is Springer material for sure!!

Man!! Talk about getting hit in the head with a sledge hammer! At that point, I felt that the only course was divorce so, I consulted and attorney (she was persuing the same course while telling me she had no intention of splitting up, keep in mind I had access to all e-mails, voice mails, etc). I re-read a few of the e-mails and decided enough was enough! I filed for divorce, she was served on August 10th 2005. Up until the middle of January, the relationship was phone/internet only, well, they finally met the second week of Jan 2006. She took a week off of work to spend time with him under the guise of going to work. She even spent one night with him. That one was a tough one to deal with as the kids were wondering where mom was and I could only tell them, "I don't know" I can tell you that I regret filing for divorce and I think it forced the issue with her as she continually says she was pushed. I've made two attempts to drop the petition for divorce. She has a counter-petition in place and will not drop it. We are living in the same house throughout all of this so, it is very difficult for all of us.

I've been dealing with all the grief issues, I've been attending counseling and a divorce support group, it's been such a roller coaster. We've been to a mediator to deal with the custody and visitation issues. We came to an agreement so, I felt much better and was felling pretty good about moving on with my life. Well, a couple of weeks ago, she asks me if I would be interested in going out for a dinner "date". I'm game as I figure it can't hurt, I've accepted the fact that it takes two to have a marriage so, I am OK with living as a single parent and moving on although, on the same token, if she made the effort to patch things up, I would gladly do my part to make our marriage work.

It seems that she is having second thoughts. She hasn't really been thinking of the reality (and finality) of a divorce. It was easy for her the first time around since she had no children, this time it's a whole new ball game with innocent hearts (and minds) at stake. I'm really not sure what to make of it, she started looiking for a counselor. I've pointed her to savemymarriage.com. She even told me she and her lover were cooling it so she could make up her mind. Well, I saw an interesting e-mail this morning, he sent her a video of him masturbating telling her how much he missed her. I am no prude by any stretch of the imagination but it's pretty sick (and pathetic) in my opinion.

I am really at a juncture here. I am OK with being a 46 y/o divorced dad however, I really love my wife and would like to start anew with her on our new life. I'm really not sure what to do......

Thanks for reading this

BS

BS,
man I am so sorry that you are here. I wish you would have found this community earlier. You are here nonetheless. First thing is the fact that until the divorce is final, you and your marriage still have a chance. There ARE things you can do to fight for your marriage. And no matter how it turns out, the knowledge that you acquire here and the battle you seem to want to undertake, will leave you with a peace that you might not otherwise have. Fighting for your marriage is right and it is honorable.
I would suggest that you move this post over to General Questions II. It is a much more used forum and there are some wonderful folks over there with a ton of sage advice that will be willing to help you.
Be strong because this is a battle like none other. But it can be done. And you can save your marriage. This cooling off of the affair may be the perfect time for you to employ Marriage Builders principles that will restore the love in your marriage. Read everything you can on this site from the Harleys and if you can get to a point where your WW (wandering wife) will agree to a phone counseling session, your odds increase dramatically. So get on over to GQ II and get started!

WCNT

Thank you Crushed. I've cross posted this in the GQ II section. This is such a roller coaster ride........

Barking,

Your story is so sad and my heart goes out to you. I am constantly amazed at the strength of the BS, to come on here, swallow their pride, and ask for help to make marriage work. I think some WS see this as weakness (mine does), but to live and love in the nightmare, such as you endured, and to be willing to do anything to save their marriage and restore a loving relationship is anything but weakness. It is a strength that WS's cannot imagine. You are a man, my friend, a promise keeper, dedicated totally to your family. I can only imagine how wonderful life would be if some of our WW had only a small measure of that strength.

I agree with Crushed that GQII would be a better place to post. There are pros there that can guide you.

IMHO, be watchful, because I've heard the "cooling off with OM" and "make up my mind" speeches a few times, and I think it was just to enable some cake eating, and to keep me from prying. Things would cool off until I snooped again and found that the A was still in full swing.

Thank you Tired. I am in the midst of another panic attack. I'm not really sure how to get through this......

I don't really have an answer to that as I have those myself. I suppose we can think of our children and all the good things that they bring to our lives and know that we must endure.

Sometimes I think, I know, that somewhere inside of our WWs are our real wives. Somehow they got pushed aside, buried by these aliens that we now know. But as the new wears off of the fantasy world that they now live in, they will one day look in the mirror and know the truth, know what they have done, and know what they gave up. It would absolutely eat me up inside to know that I betrayed someone who really loved me and was willing to work through all the bulls**t that my infidelity forced them to live through. They're probably not many people in the world with a heart so loving and the inner strength to do that.

I know this is not any comfort, but I believe it to be true. Just remember, you did not do this, nor deserve this, but you must survive this.

Tired,

I understand. As far as WW is concerned, she is also in a state of turmoil. Sure, she has been living in a dream world for the past 8 months and is completely lost. She is finally giving some real thought to the situation she created. Sure, I could take total control of the situation and continue on with the divorce process but, I truly believe she is trying to work this out in her mind for in the end she alone has to be able to live with her decision and as you (and other) say be able to look one's self in the mirror every day.

I've told her that if she decides to go with OM or alone, her life is going to become infinitly more complex. My life on the other hand will become infinitly more simple and I'm OK with that. It's her choice.......

But, I desire more than anything to work things out.

Thanks for listening......

Mark

Anytime. My prayers are with you.