While sitting around talking to friends that are D or near D - we all agreed that we originally were very attracted to our S - even in the midst of D - the physical attraction/desire was still there.

Some friends have been out dating, and said that after a few months of dating someone they saw a side of the new person that reminded them of their X, usually a side they didn't like. It seems they always picked someone to date that had some similarity to their X - the attraction was there but looking long term at the R - scared them.

Has anyone decided - I won't be attracted to "that type" anymore - I'm going to look for someone totally opposite my X. This "type" hasn't worked for me in the past - I need to change the "type" of person that I'm attracted to and the type that is attracted to me.


As for me - I was always attracted to the tall, dark, and sweet talking, IMHO "needy guy"..

[color:"green"]It Hurts,

My first husband was red-headed, very controlling in a passive aggressive way. He gained a lot of weight during our marriage. I decided that I didn't want anyone else that didn't try to control their weight and had this quiet sort of "not fun" personality. (At that age I wouldn't have known what p/a meant.)

My second husband was "street smart" but uneducated. He was lively and loud and popular with a lot of friends. He was very thin and very tall. Pretty opposite what first husband was, however, underneath he was even more controlling and self-centered than my first husband. It was a different personality but the same problems.

My third husband was educated. He also had a fairly lively personality. He was also passive/aggressive self centered and plain weird and mean.

The common denominator was me, of course. I needed to figure out why I attracted self-centered men.

The physical/attractive part was never the most important thing to me, however certain personalities seemed more attractive.

The type of person I'm attracted to has changed as I've grown, and I think it has changed for the better.

V. [/color]

I think we all agreed that P/A should be 2nd - let's look at the inside first - then worry about being P/A to the person. Dig to find out who they are, their needs, etc. before getting to deep in the R.

My one friend just met someone that she didn't find attractive, wasn't sure that she even wanted to go out with - then she said - to ****** w/it - he's totally opposite my X - maybe I need to give this a try. Maybe he doesn't flash being a great guy, like the type she was attracted to, her thought was maybe being a "good guy" wasn't something all guys flashed only the insecure ones..LOL..Maybe "nice guys" come in many styles of packaging..

I agree! I find myself, single, struggling with many of the same issues and feelings as I did in a relationship. It's always tempting to think by changing outside circumstances, we can change our lives relatively painlessly. It's so much more difficult to change ourselves.

I'm not dating (not yet dv'd), but I'm afraid, based on past choices, that maybe my "picker" is broken...

I haven't started dating yet, (I won't until D is final.) but have started noticing other men. I still am attracted to the same things I liked in WH when we met (about 60lbs off current gut). I realize that there is a common trend with WH and some past BF's that I need to watch out for and avoid. I like to feel needed and I end up being used. I need to watch out for red flags and not be so trusting. However, I'm a sucker for those big, dumb, momma's boys.

I’ve been divorced since August. Even though I really don’t want to date, I have found myself out on dates recently <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I’m just trying to get used to the whole dating thing again and not really serious about anything. One girl I’m dating is just like my EX. Aggressive, talkative, and domineering type. I’m totally not attracted to her in a serious way. I do have fun with her, but I would never date her seriously. The other girl I’m gone out with is more quiet, but still exerts some to the same aggressive behavior.

Throughout this journey others have pointed out the need to identify your past relationships and why they didn’t work out. I am obviously attracted to a certain type of person. My divorce has put this into perspective and now when a woman expresses this type of behavior it turns me off like a cold shower. While I don’t think you should date the total opposite of what your used to, I do think you need to identify certain unhealthy traits that you seem to be attracted to. A woman who is aggressive and domineering is someone who I am actively trying to avoid.

Timn -

Can you better describe what an "aggressive" woman is like???
I understand domineering - but, aggressive??

Oh yes, big time. I discovered 'typing' here on MB. Stillwed uses Enneagram, I got into Myers Briggs. Well, I discovered my dad, 1st ltr, and my exH were all ISTJ's and 8's (creepy, huh?) - a very critical, quiet, judgemental, stubborn, anal type. I was attracted to their strength, their determination, their confidence. I married my exH at a young age, I'd guess I was looking for someone who could take care of things. He pressured me into marrying him, I caved. Any older and I'd like to think I wouldnt have, but I did.

I dated a guy like that after my D.... really blew me away how NOT attracted to that type I'd become. I didnt NEED strong and critical, anymore. My current H, ISFP is just the opposite. They say ISFP's are the kindest of all types. My H certainly is. I think I did an 180 - looking for just the opposite of my exH. (I didnt understand 'typing' at that point, I just knew H was different than any other guy I'd dated).

I think age helps. We get older we can really know what we really need. At 20 I was looking for strong, at 30 I was looking for sweet. - Dru

I haven't started dating, and do not think I will do so until I feel some strength and security within myself. However, I tend to 'categorize' men now... I can tell my stbxWH's type straightaway and I run the other way with disgust.

Maybe I'm not over what he has done yet.

I will definitely look for a more mature, honest man... I hope I can tell when the time comes!!!!!!

When I get my D all I want is someone who is hard working a trait I love and who is honest. My WH and I had all of that before this OW came in to the picture so I want someone with morals.

Funny, but I do think about this sometimes. I am not divorced nor is there one in the works not because we will be working anything out but because of money reasons. (as long as we are still legally married he has to keep me on his insurance or I have none. and I paid for the sep, he can pay for the D). Anyway, I have found at 34 I am different than at 24. P/A or that instant sexual animal attraction is not as important to me now. I have my limits of course, but still. Like my wh is on the fire dept. as of now that is a huge turn off to me. my wh and I were pretty much opposites. I am in school to meet a teacher, I would like someone like that, a teacher. Would I like a nice well built tall gorgeous man? sure! but he has to be as attractive on the inside as he is on the outside. I am finding that as I get to know someone they become more attractive to me. I am finding myself attracted to educated men. More to them than worrying about when the next fire call is (my wh is a volunteer fireman) not knocking the profession but our fire dept is the biggest joke and a disgrace. They have all had affairs with eachother at one point or another.

I met someone a few weeks ago. We are just starting to be friends. He is divorced and has custody of his son who is the same age as my twins. They play sports together. He is a teacher. Around my age (a little younger). Def no one I would ever have given a second look to. But as I have talked to him I am really seeing a possibility ya know? we have a lot in common. And I really like that he is a teacher. He is only about my height (maybe 5'6"!) which is like not me at all, I like tall. And he is not like hugely built. And he is like strawberry blondish. Mind you my wh is about 6'1" and dark and about 200lb! But I am attracted to this man's intellect and intelligence and the fact he seems like he keeps to himself and out of the small town gossip spot light. I will definitely see if this friendship goes anywhere.

so yes, I see myself being way more open in the future to whomever may come my way. I don't want men judging me on just the cover of my book so to speak, I don't want to do that either. mlhb

Oh boy! I LOVE this thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
I continue to change what I'm attracted to, but more so, continue to realize what I need/want from a man...
I've been married 3x, and I think I had to go through all of that (the last was the worst!) to understand that *I* had some serious picker issues...!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
I've been divorced for 2 years now, have had a couple of short term relationships (the longest 6 mos) and with each date I realize what it is I'm going to need.
I never even ASKED myself before what I wanted/needed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I, too, have always been attracted to the needy men. Just recently I figured out that all of my girlfriends are needy as well. I found this out becase *I* needed THEM and they are nowhere to be found! Just like my husbands! So I'm having to do some major re-evaluation on that too! Side note: I grew up with a very troubled life, so I've basically had to raise myself the right way.

All of the sudden it seems so easy! (well, to know what I want/need-NOT finding him!) But when we take the time to know ourselves, REALLY know ourselves, faults and all, we can very easily see what/who it is we need in our lives.
I'm strong-have had to be all my life. I'm tired of it, sometimes, I need to be weak. I need a man who can be strong. I'm "tell it like it is", I don't sugarcoat and I'm not afraid to call you to the carpet if you are doing something that's going to be detrimental. I'm not for everyone, so I need a guy that KNOWS himself that's not going to run like a scared rabbit when I put my tough face on.
I need someone exciting, smart, wordly. He will need to be active and able to keep up.
And, I've figured out...that's okay. If I can't find him, I'd rather be alone, because with the past selections I've made, being with someone that I can't count on is WORSE than being alone...make sense?
So, what I've learned: get to know you! REALLY know you. Then you will understand WHY you want to run from that guy! (and when at the point that I am, you know it before you even get out of the driveway!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Well, I have been out on a few dates, and they have been with guys that are totally different than my STBXH.

In fact, not they type I normally would look at. However, I am trying to see whether or not I can look beyond first impressions.

My STBXH I was immediately attracted to, and very sexually attracted to. Eventually, the sex became boring, and he wasn't that good in bed... he didn't listen to me at all, and he believed he was "God's gift to woman..." because he was "built" well... My STBXH was muscular and hairy, Very rugid and tough looking, slightly taller than me.

My dates have been different. Smaller men. Not v.attractive (yet)... but amazing personalities! Sensitive and caring.

I always believed that you had to be immediately attacted to a guy for it to last. Meaning, your not about to wander if your excited at home...

However, eventually my handsome STBXH started looking sad, to me... He became selfish and uncaring. He was unloving to me and his looks changed. I still loved him by looking at him, but I knew he "didn't love me".... I could see it, and feel it...

I am looking outside of my box... and enjoying my single life...

Yes. When I dated for three years before meeting Hubby, I decided that:

- looks didn't matter; I wasn't going to fall for a baby-faced boy again
- I would avoid students or anyone who might want my support while going to school
- anyone who showed any interest, even in recent past, in comic books, fantasy art, or role-playing-games was "toast"
- I would seriously re-consider dating men my age and look at men 10-years my senior, instead
- If he didn't own his own home and a car--paid for-- he was also "toast"
- Gemini's and ENTJs were not to be considered
- Ex-military men were not in the equation

Suffice to say that, after dating a LOT and having one relationship last two years, I fell in love with Hubby who is pretty much everything I thought I didn't ever want again. I guess he and my XH are both "my type"... in some twisted way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

On the other hand, Hubby's XW was thin, blonde with brown eyes, a substance user, a highschool dropout... and I'm not. He stuck to his guns.

Mrs. W8ing

Drita: I'm also strong and blunt which makes it tough on men's egos. My WH has been a kept man and I liked being needed. It worked for years until I needed him.

This is an interesting topic! I was divorced 5 years ago after being with him for 12 years. Dated him for 8 and married for 3. We were divorced because he had an affair, lied about money, credit cards, etc. The lies were unbelievable even to this day. In any case, I am attracted to the "pretty boy", "bad boy" types. What is my problem? You would like I am 16... I am 35. I am now dating a wonderful man... positive, happy with life, fun, likes to do the same things, treats me and everyone else with respect, etc. etc. etc. AND I am bored. I really want to change my "type"..... my "type" isn't the kind you spend the rest of your life with... happily.

Yes, I like the "bad boy" types too. The kind that could pick me up and do as he pleases! Usually, they are rough looking, with plenty of body hair, beard, mustash, goatee or something... Usual they have a larger build... Enjoys socializing, and having a few beers. Living on the edge...

Like you said, not usually the type that settles down well.

However, time to try something new... Who knows,...maybe I'll like it???