I got an email from my husband's best friend yesterday (who lives in England) saying that he was recovering from a brain hemorrhage and a major stroke that occured during surgery to repair the hemorrhage (in his words, he had the same operation that Nate did in Six Feet Under). This was all quite a shock as we hadn't heard from him in months (my husband is very lax at keeping in touch, unfortunately) and had had no idea that he was ill. Miraculously, he seems to be recovering quite well, even though the doctors warned his girlfriend that there was a very good chance that he would die or suffer severe paralysis during or soon after the surgery.

Since hearing the news, my WH has completely shut down. He won't talk to me about it, even though I can see that he is suffering. Last night he slept in the spare room for the first time in a while.

I just don't know what to do. This friend is very close to us, he spoke at our wedding and I stayed with him and his partner after I lost a baby in 2004. All to say that this news is very upsetting for me, too, even though I'm sure it's affecting my H in a much deeper way. Last night we just sat together in silence for the better part of an hour. I tried to initiate some conversation about what had happened and what it means, but he barely responded. This morning wasn't much better.

I'm just worried that this is a sign that he is pulling away from me permanently. Situations like this are exactly when we should be supporting each other, not pushing each other away. Is there anything I should be doing, or should I just give him his space?

B. Sorry to hear your news. You've got me stumped. I don't know how you fit into the equation. His BF might die so he doesn't sleep in your room and won't talk to you? I don't have a clue. Take care.

Has he stopped talking to you about everything? Or is it that he just doesn't want to talk about his BF? Is this his first experience with having a friend die? Is this his first experience with someone close to him dying?

If his A just recently ended, his first reaction is likely to be to contact OW.

Yeah, that thought occurred to me. The affair with the "main" OW ended months ago, but he was in contact with her up until a month ago. This is why I don't want to pressure him too much -- I don't want to give him an excuse to resume contact with her. But I really wish he would talk to me about it. We lost a child in 2004, but besides that I don't think he has much experience with the death of someone close. That being said, he hasn't been close to many people in his life.

Bronwyn,

I'm sorry to hear about your bad news! It sounds like at the very least, your H is a withdrawing personality type. Is he emotional or a non-emotional person in general?

The reason I ask is because all of us, when faced with something like this that alarms us for whatever reason, tend to retreat into the less healthy level of our personality type. Unless we have a picture of what that looks like to reference, it won't seem out of the ordinary to go there. Many people teeter on the edge of their average level of emotional health as it is, and then when something bad comes along to disrupt their life, they fall hopelessly into the lower level of functioning.

I CAN tell you this: It's not about you. It's his personal misery. The best way you can support him is to not try to convince him to feel any other way than how he feels. Most people just want to be empathized with. If he needs to sit quietly, then just be there with him. Say an occasional soothing thing like, this must be so hard for you. I'm sorry you are going through it.

I know it's tough to sit back and not try to figure out what's going on in his head. I'm not sure I'm even capable of it...lol! I do know however, that my H does go to some dark places when bad things happen and he likes me to just be there without intruding too much. The advantage I/we have is that he understands his tendency to do this so it doesn't last long with him once he sees that he has "gone there".

Just some thoughts. We learned all of this from understanding our Enneagram personality types. He's a Four and I'm a One. www.enneagraminstitute.com

Stillwed

Stillwed -- Thanks for your reply. I think you're right about just being there for him, even if he doesn't say anything. He is generally fairly closed with his emotions even at the best of times, so of course now it's even more pronounced than usually. It is hard to sit back and do nothing, but I think that might be the best approach. I also suggested that he make a trip to visit his friend as soon as he could arrange it, and he liked that idea. I think such a trip might kill two birds with one stone -- give him some much-needed time with his friend and also give us both some time away from each other (but in an environment that I could trust -- his friend is a good friend to us both and I know he wouldn't let WH behave inappropriately).

I'm a Nine on that chart, BTW -- it'll be interesting to see what WH is... I'm betting on a Four!

Bronwyn,

A couple years ago my very good friend, that I shared a house with in college 40 years ago, had a heart attack and then a quintuple (?) bypass. It hit me harder than I could of imagined.

Alot of the feelings were from looking at my/his/our mortality and they were quite overwhelming for about a week to 10 days.

I would imagine your H feeling this along with his terrible guilt over his A, looking back over his recent life and realizing what a scuzball he has been might be the reason he is collapsing in on himself.

Let him stew in his juices and be there for him. Best I can advise. He will come around.

My friend is in good shape and doing well. In fact we are planning a trip to Spain in the fall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Krusht - Glad your friend is okay. I just heard an interview with Neil Young on NPR and he survived an aneurysm last year, so I'm hoping our friend will be okay, too.

I'm going to take your advice and give my H some space this evening. I've told him that he can have the run of the house, but I think he'll probably just hole up in the spare room with a book. I never thought it would seem so hard to sit back and do nothing...

Yeah, probably Four or Five. If he's an unhealthy Four then you are going to have a hard time supporting him because he's not going to like WHATEVER you do. Unhealthy Fours don't think that you "get" them. They believe that they feel feelings much more deeply than YOU can possibly comprehend. It's sometimes better just to let them know you are there and whatever you do...DON'T judge them or accuse them of anything! You'll get nowhere with it even if you are right.

Also, if he's a Four, chances are strong that he's being triggered back to another melancholic time...like the loss of your child. They aren't good at actually processing grief and he may still have some grieving to do there even though it may have seemed like he grieved for a long time.

With a Five, he may be completely overwhelmed by his emotions. They feel them deeply, but they don't want to, so they retreat into their heads. They also physically retreat. He could be a Five with a strong Four wing.

Hang in there!

Stillwed

SW -- That's a good point about the delayed grief. When we lost the baby, he spent more time taking care of me then he did grieving himself. He didn't really break down until after her first birthday, and even then he quickly pulled himself together. This news about his friend may be bringing all of that back for him.

Interestingly, last night went okay. He came home early and we sat together for a while, but this time he actually talked. It seemed like the shock of the news had worn off a bit and he was much more personable that I expected. We ended up renting some DVDs and even though I started nodding off midway through the second one and started getting up to go to bed, he asked me to stay down there with him, even if I was dozing. We went up to bed together after the movie was over.

So, I guess I just overread the situation. I do tend to overexamine emotional situations at the best of times, so I guess it's no surprise that I'm doing it now. Every action, statement, or lack thereof seems ripe with meaning. I guess I'm just going to have to learn how to relax a bit and just let things play out. Not very easy when you feel like your way of life is hanging in the balance...

It sounds like he felt supported by you in the way he needed it if he asked you to stay with him last night. That is pretty sweet actually! He knows he has put you through a lot of pain and having you set that aside to help him as he gets through his is pretty big stuff!

I think you gave him a pretty big gift there. If you can give him some time to grieve, I'll bet he'll be doing much better in awhile. Don't rush it. I have a tendency to do just that because I process things fairly quickly and then I project that out there on everyone else. Not fair on my part to do that for sure!

Stillwed

I'm with stillwed--don't sell yourself short. You handled it well.

Unless the WS is a total idiot, he has to be thinking about life and those things that matter most in life. This is really a great time for you to develop a deeper connection with him.

Thanks for the support, guys! This is very rocky terrain, and it's nice to feel like I'm doing something to help the situation, rather than sabotaging it by letting my emotions get the better of me.

I just hope we have more nights like last night!