So tired after a really stressful day, but wanted to "vent"
and just get some support after I had to talk to WH today.
It didn't go well and I'm feeling very sad, down, hurt, and
disappointed.

As you know, I broke my ankle a little over two weeks ago.
At the first Dr. visit, he mentioned that I might want and/
or need to have surgery to clean up and strengthen this
ankle as it has been injured many times. I started to get
concerned thinking about it afterwards, as I am on WH's
health insurance, and with divorce looming, I was worried
that I might end up needing physical therapy and/or surgery
and not have insurance anymore. Realized I might have to
end up talking to WH about it, but was holding off, waiting
until I had the follow-up medical visit today, and because
I wasn't hearing anything from WH and hoped it meant he was
once again "waffling" about the D.

The status of the D is that we've currently only filed the
initial paperwork- we both still have to do the financial
disclosures and a joint "settlement plan", which basically
outlines "who gets what", "who pays what", etc.
Once those items are filed, the D could be finalized in just
2-3 weeks, as the 90 days mandatory "waiting period" will
be up next week, so it'd just mostly depend on the workload
of the court, as far as how soon they'd get to it.

I checked on WH's insurance and found out he has to advise
his employer within 30 days of a D becoming final, and they
then advise the insurance company and take me off the plan.
They advised there is no way to extend coverage as I would
no longer be a "legal dependent". I've also checked on
some new insurance options for just myself (not eligible
for insurance with my new job unti Feb) but all I have
checked on say there would be an issue with covering the
ankle situation because it's a "pre-existing" condition,
so I'm really between a "rock and hard spot". I don't
know exactly how much it'd be if I had to pay it all out
of pocket, but the outpatient surgery I had last year was
at least $3000 by the time you paid the surgery center,
Dr, anaesthesiologist, etc. so I'm sure it'd be at least
that much, plus I'd need some physical therapy afterwards.

I've also been thinking about the house, knowing that WH
has been getting increasingly more difficult about his
continuing to pay on the mortgage and other bills. (I don't
know if he knows it, but both lawyers I've talked to say he is not legally obligated to continue paying on the house).
I hoped I would be able to make enough to afford the house
on my own, and was holding off until I got a job so I could
make that determination. Now that I'm working again, I have
sat down with all the figures and found that I am coming
up short. Thought of even getting a 2nd job, but the more
I thought of it, realized it would be a real drag to have
to be so "tight" all the time, living paycheck to paycheck
and never having any money for any extras, just to keep the
house. Tried to think of it in a practical way, that I don't
need as large a place with just the dog and I, and that a
smaller house or townhouse would have less cleaning, less
to heat, less yard to maintain, less upkeep, etc.
Still, I feel very sad to leave a house I love, have given
lots of TLC, painted, wallpapered, carpeted, decorated and
enjoyed with H.

Well, today was the follow up visit with the Ortho. Dr.
He said my ankle was "coming along" but still thinks it
would be a good idea to have the surgery. I asked all the
questions I could think of and feel like it probably would
be a good thing to do (although scary, esp. since I hate
medical stuff) and feel like if I'm gonna do it, I'd just
like to do it and get it all done soon. I explained to
the Dr office that I may only have insurance for a short
time, and they said they'd be willing to try to get me in
soon if needed, and for me to check with my insur. as far
as if I need a pre-approval/referral, etc.

Got home and realized I was going to have to talk to WH
about the insurance or wouldn't know what I could plan or
do. Also figured we might as well talk about the house, as
both of us would have to be involved in selling it since
we are "co-owners". So, while I still had some courage, I
called and left a message for WH. He called a bit later.
I tried to keep it brief, and just stick to the matters "at
hand", so started out by telling him I had gotten a new job
but determined I wasn't going to be able to afford to keep
the house on my own so would be willing to put it up for
sale. I "proposed" doing it at beginning of the new year
so I'd have time to get it ready, more time to get used
to my new job, past the holidays, and a chance to get the
ankle situation resolved. (which meant I had to also tell
him about breaking my ankle). He was mostly pleasant and
really didn't say a lot, until my suggestion to wait until
January on the house, which he strongly disagreed with,
saying "he wasn't going to pay for another month while I
was just sitting here living off him", that "he had been
patient and nice about paying extra while I was out of work
but wasn't going to keep paying more than his fair share",
that "I always procrastinated and had taken forever to
figure out what to do about the house". He also made it
quite clear that he'll do nothing to help to get it ready
to sell (cleaning, etc) since he's "not going to get one
cent from the sale of the house" (we agree all proceeds
go to me, and he keeps house where he lives now, paying
all his own expenses). Finally, after going back and forth
and getting nowhere, I agreed to get it ready to put up for
sale at beginning of next month. Fortunately, had already
talked to my parents about this and they are supportive,
agree it makes more sense to "downsize" and are willing
and available to help with getting the house ready.

Then, had to talk more about the insurance situation.
I explained about the surgery and need for short term phys.
therapy afterwards, and that the Dr. office was trying to
get me in as soon as possible. He seeemed to understand
it and was actually pretty nice about it, UNTIL I said I
hoped he would be reasonable and work with me too, as far
as perhaps delaying things with D to give me at least one
more month (Jan) of insurance coverage so I could get the
ankle taken care of. He went BALLISTIC at this point, loud,
"indignant", and telling me "there was NO way he was going
to delay a divorce or hold up his life" for something like
that. I tried to explain about how the insurance situation
worked, told him about checking on new insurance but the
issue with that, told him I was only asking for ONE month,
which I didn't think was such a big issue and was only fair.
The resulting conversation was definitely not pleasant,
although I can honestly say I did pretty well as far as
keeping my cool, talking calmly, no DJ's, LB's, etc....
but he sure did his fair share !
As has often been the case when he doesn't "get his way",
I don't agree with his "plans or timing", or he doesn't
agree with mine, he basically had a temper tantrum, getting
more angry, talking/yelling loud, using lots of cuss words,
and saying things that were hurtful and useless.
I know I've heard much of them before and that I shouldn't
take any of his stupidity or "fog" talk to heart, but it
did still hurt that he said things like:
"He was always unhappy and we had a bad relationship so he
is moving on with his life".
"The past is in the past, and he is moving on with his life"
(seemed to be a recurring theme, said many times)
"That I couldn't do anything for myself, such as figuring
out if I could afford the house, looking for a new place,
or getting my own insurance".
"That he was sick of hearing my voice and sick of talking
to me".
"That I was just always "poor me" and pitiful and thought
I had it so rough, when lots of people had it much worse
and didn't whine and complain about it " (have no idea
where that came from ??)
"That I just wasn't getting it that there is no "US" any
more and that he's not responsible for me".
"That he couldn't wait to have no ties and no more dealing
with me"
"That he wanted this (D) to be all done by end of the year
so he could start the new year having nothing to do with
me". (seems so concerned and adamant about the time that
it makes me wonder if he has some ultimatum from OW that
he has to be divorced by 2007, or if they might even have
wedding plans or OW could be pregnant ?)
He also said several times that I "need to get a life,
need to deal with things, need to do things for myself,
and need to accept that I'm not his problem or his
responsibility now". I think he even said something
about me not accepting reality- this coming from the
KING of "fantasy-affair land" living beyond his means,
buying anything in sight to try to feel the empty hole
in him and thinking that that trashy, mentally unstable,
insecure HO (OW) is so great..... !!! Just takes the cake.

I really didn't say much, was honesty too stunned by his
hurtful comments to even think of much to say, but I did
ask "Why do you hate me so much that you'd say things like
that ? His answer was "He wanted to get on with his life and I was keeping him from doing that".
(As though I'm the one who filed for D a year ago and then
did nothing about it, or has "waffled" back and forth all
this time, or caused there to be a mandatory waiting period
in our state, right ??)

He went on about how he always has to be the one to make
concessions and he wasn't going to do it this time- that
I might not think that waiting one more month to be D was
"no big deal", but that it was an enormous big deal to him
and he wasn't willing to do it. That he was sorry, but it
wasn't his fault his insurance wouldn't allow me to stay on
his coverage longer. I said "Yes, but you are preventing me
from having medical care by refusing to give me ONE month".
Said I didn't feel that it was unreasonable, unfair, or
any hardship on him to wait one more month, especially since
it doesn't cost him once cent extra to have me on his insur.
He said "it wasn't about the money, he didn't care about
that", it was about the time, and delaying D, and that he
wanted to start the new year having nothing to do with me".

I reminded him we'll still have to be dealing with each
other (and him paying towards it) until the house sells,
to which he said "well, yes, but that would be all".

I didn't have anything to say, just said I guess if we cant
work it out we will have to go to mediation. He said "fine"
and hung up. I just sat there stunned for awhile, thinking
how inmature, how irrational, how totally foggy and totally
out of reality he seemed to be. Certainly would be much
easier and make more sense to delay the D by one month than
to each have to pay and delay things several months by
having to go to mediation !

The whole conversation was probably 15 minutes, but I hung
up feeling totally stressed and exhausted, and not knowing
anything more than I did to start. Felt stupid that I had
thought maybe he even had changed his mind and wasn't sure
about the D anymore only to get hit with this whole barrage
that sure doesn't sound like he has any doubts at all.
Some of the things he said really hurt, especially after I
feel like I tried very, very hard to be loving, caring, fun,
kind, supportive, helpful and patient even despite his bad
moods and issues, and have tried to be reasonable and fair, even while the affair has been going on.
He's gotten "his way" as far as selling our 3rd vehicle,
our land, and now the house, and his affair has cost me
everything I cared about, yet he acts like it's still not
enough and won't even do one simple thing he could do to
help me out.

I don't understand anyone acting like this, even if they
are upset, mad or hurt.
I don't understand anyone being able to be so cold, so
uncaring, so indifferent to anyone, especially someone
they loved, at least at one time.
I really would have never expected him to be so difficult
and totally unwilling to help me. I think I told him that.
I guess I would expect that even if he's decided to go off
and be with OW and throw everything about me and us away
he would still be at least fair and reasonable, even kind.
That he would at least want to be fair, not make things
harder for me , or wish me any ill-will.
After all, I'm the one losing my family (him), my best
friend (him), my home and my lifestyle. Yet he acts like
it's all my fault and I'm the enemy.

I've taken care of the large house and yard, my car, the
dog, still handled the bills, and have dealt with losing
my job, illness, financial difficulties and now my ankle
situation alone, which hasn't been easy, yet he knocks
and discredits me ?

I guess we can certainly ascertain from this that he is
still very unstable and out of control as far as his meds
and bipolar illness, and that the A is definitely still ON.

Doesn't he have a conscience at all ?

Doesn't he have a memory at all ?

I don't understand what I ever did to deserve this.

Slammed

Slammed,

U need 1 more month. Insurance says he has to give a minimum 30 days notice. Has he given his notice yet? This is 11/20. Already near the 1 month mark or are you thinking 2 months until February? If so, can you wait until February for the surgery? Change doctors if need be to make it a 'new case' or 2nd opinion? Hm.....


He is fussing like a fool. Need to step back and let him fuss. He already sounds stupid. Why muffle it? Seems like life can't be all that good out there in WS land. If he wants you out of his life, he ought t/b able to pay for it. He grumbles he has no $$ tell him to go get it from whereever....even OW if need be. I did that with WS in my case. Seems OW was anxious to buy me out but my price was a bit high. He had already said we were priceless so I dropped my buyout price to 1 mil. LOL!!! Went all the way down to $87k....hm.... kinda close to her refi loan amount. LOL!!! I am sure that caused a stir. No one every asked how I came up with that convenient figure. LOL!!! Of course reality showed the OW didn't have all the $$ she claimed to have and that make me laugh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

He claims he has to pay? Hm.... tell him he s/b happy to sell his family down the river, the least he can do it pay for it. LOL!!! Reverse babble at it's finest. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


L.

{{{Slammed}}}

I've been there, and know how hurtful his words were. But don't take them to your heart. Don't listen.

He hates you, because he is not happy. He wants to believe the ONLY reason he is not happy is because YOU have delayed the D and he had to pay for it. Who cares, that's what he wanted, so of course he has to pay for it. Didn't he know that D costs $$$??? Shouldn't he be soooooooooooooo happy because now he hasn't lived with you for months and is doing whatever he wants to do with OW? He can't blame you for his unhappiness at this point.

Make him pay, if you have to. Why should you let him have everything his way? You helped him when he got DUI. Now he can help you when you broke your ankle. He doesn't like it, too bad. You will certainly not going to be as angel like as before the next time WH gets in troubles.

I don't want to make it sound like a retaliation, but my WH acts exacts the same way. They are SELFISH TO THE CORE. It's disgusting. They should reaaaaaaaaaaaaally need to hit the bottom. The life will not bring them happiness if they continue to act this way, thinking they are the center of the universe and deserve to trash down their own families just so that they can have more fun.

It's upsetting and sad and everything, I know, but Slammed, be strong, and DON'T GIVE WH THE SATISFACTION OF HAVING POWER OVER YOU. You are strong, smart, caring, and attractive. Don't let him control you emotionally. He is so screwed up.

Milk

Hi Slammed- I have been following you and Milkshake's thread- you two both deserve so much better.

Just wanted to jump in here, as I'm 1 year out of having major ankle surgery (broke in 7 places, 1 plate, 2 pins and 7 screws!!) If your dr can get you in asap, do it NOW. If I read it right, you still have to reply with all the paperwork? And then it's 3 MORE weeks. So you have time to do the surgery way before your divorce is over. So drag your feet with those financial disclosures! Get the surgery!

Just my $.02!

Thanks Orchid and Milk~
Don't feel quite as bad about things today, but it still
does "sting" that WH would say such hurtful things, for
no other reason than lashing out in anger that he is not
getting everything "his way" and on "his timing".

I agree that it must be his own unhappiness, perhaps even
guilt and/or problems with OW that make him act like this,
and something that Curious said on your post, Milk, also
really struck me as totally applying to my situation:

"(WH's) Lack of sorrow is not because you're not worth it,
it's because that's not how his limited emotional system
works".

This is SO true ! It's just so hard to "process" that this
same person is the man I loved, married, had such a great
life with for many years, and how much mental illness and/
or other issues have changed him into a totally different
person, and certainly not for the better.
Realized last night that emotional problems/mental illness
actually took H away from me long before OW did, not that
there's much comfort in that, since either way I've lost a
wonderful person and life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Had a busy work morning, including a conference call that
lasted almost 2 hrs ! Checked messages during my lunch
break and had a call from the Ortho Dr., so called back
and she said they could get me in for the ankle surgery
on either Dec 19 or Dec 21. (This Dr is apparently very
popular and busy, so they were doing me a favor by getting
me in with him quickly, due to the insurance situation).
I decided to take the 21st, as it's a Thursday, so would
have to miss less work. It's going to be done at a surgery
center which is really near my parent's house, which will
work out well since I'll need a ride and am supposed to
have someone with me for the first 24 hrs. (Can just stay
at their house). Will even get some of that good "MOM"
care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yesterday the Dr told me that I'd be in a cast afterwards,
for approx 2 weeks, then would go back into the walking
cast I'm in now for another 2 weeks, then could do some
short term physical therapy, so this will definitely run
over into January and probably Feb. with it just starting
in late December.
What I was hoping on the insurance was to have WH delay
filing the final D paperwork until end of December so that
it wouldn't be final until January, giving me 30 more days
of insurance coverage which should cover everything I would
need. If WH absolutely will not delay filing, as he was so cold and adamadant about yesterday, then the D would be final sometime in December and I'll run out of insurance coverage sometime in Jan.

Also at lunch I had a message from WH, asking if I had yet
heard back from the Dr. office with a surgery date, and
also "reminding" me that we "have to" get the remaining D
paperwork down to the courthouse by "tomorrow".
Kind of funny that WH keeps coming up with these supposed
"deadlines", which are of his own timeline. The paperwork
actually just is to be turned in by Nov 28, but even if it
wasn't it's not that big of deal- they would just send out
a "reminder" notice.
Called WH so I could tell him about the surgery, hoping
he had "chilled out" since yesterday and that with a date
later in December he'd be agreeable to doing the delay.
First thing he said was "I thought they were working with
you to try to get you in earlier" to which I said "They
ARE working with me. Getting in soon with this Dr would
normally have been at least mid-Jan. so they are helping
me out by getting me in before end of the year".

He said "Well, it didn't matter, that he was not going to
delay and we still had to get that paperwork filed, and
by tomorrow". So, I asked "How are we going to do that when
we've not even started to work on the Settlement Plan that
has to be done by us jointly ?" He said "There wasn't
anything like that, just the financial paperwork", which
I knew was wrong, but thought "fine", just leave it at that
and let him file without it, because then the paperwork will
be incomplete and it will delay things automatically !
I needed to go to work, so ended the conversation there.

A little while ago, WH called me. Said he had called the
court facilitator and found out some details (the same
things we were already told at the meeting with the court
facilitator in October). Said that once the paperwork is
filed it will take 2-3 days to get to the Court Clerk, who
then reviews it to make sure it is complete and properly
filled out, which could take about a week. It then goes
to the Judge for his review and signature, and WH said
he was told the Judge is backlogged by about 3 weeks.
Then, the paperwork gets filed (takes 1-2 days) and is
mailed out to each of us.
If true, this sounds like it will take until at least the
later part of December for the D to finalize, and since
I can have insurance coverage for 30 days after that, I
should be covered until almost the end of January, which
is what I wanted. I am going to check though, to see if
this is true, and not just WH coming up with this time-
table. I also want to ask the Court Facilitator what I
would need to do if I decide I don't want to change back
to my maiden name. I thought I would, and put that on my
initial paperwork, but since then have thought I might not
want to, just because it's a hassle to change your license,
all your credit cards, accounts, etc., some of which cost
to do too.
At the end of the conversation WH said he did find out that
we do have to do a Settlement Plan, like I had said. Said
we'd have to do that together, then must have all the papers
notarized, so wondered when we could work on it. I really
don't feel like doing it or getting together with him- I
know it will be very hard and sad to "scrap out" the last
remaining bit of things we still have together. I was glad
he said he was busy next couple of nights, and I suggested
Friday, as I have the day off, but he said he had to work,
so didn't really come up with a plan to do it, but I do
need to finish my "financials" which I'm not looking forward
to either.
At very end of the conversation WH surprised me by saying
"Sorry" about things he had said ! I said "Why would you
act like that and say things that hurt my feelings ?"
He said "He was just tired of dealing with it all and having
things drag out so long", to which I said "Well, that's how
things work, and not any doing of mine, and I've been as
reasonable and fair with you as possible so it's not my
fault".

At least it now appears I will have insurance coverage to
get me through at least middle to end of January, and it
did make me feel a little better than WH apologized.
Still very sad and hurtful though that he's in such a big
rush to be done with me and our marriage and so intent that
it all be done by end of the year. Makes me wonder if that
is all about him wanting to do it before he "waffles" again
and isn't really as sure about the D as he tries to sound,
if he's made some promise or even told OW it's already done,
or if she's put some kind of ultimatum on him ?

Definitely not a stable or healthy person, and sure doesn't
seem like he is happy !

Whereas all I have been hoping and praying for was that the
affair would end and we could work things out, now it seems
like there is no hope left and all I can do is just hold my
ground and come out as well as I can. Hard to feel very
"thankful" this week when I'm going to have to spend the
holiday weekend getting the house ready for sale, am now
nervous about the surgery, and face holidays without WH.
Am very thankful for all of you friends though.

Slammed

slammed honey

this is not plan B

EAV:

HOW ARE YOU????

mimi
i didn't want to thread jack so i posted to you on the other thread

Mrs. Rob,
Sorry, think we "cross-posted". Thanks for your supportive
encouragement about the surgery- glad to hear from someone
who has had something similiar (although yours sounds like
it was more major than mine should be). I'm not a fan of
medical stuff, but after so many injuries of the same old
ankle, it would be nice is the surgery could really help
it be stronger and less likely to be hurt again. I forgot
to ask how bad the pain would be afterwards, but I'm sort
of assuming that they wouldn't let you go home same day if
it was too bad. Dr said they normally don't have to add
any "hardware", but if they get in there and it needs it,
they will add tiny screws..

Mimi and Eav- Glad to know you're still around and "with me" ! Have thought of you and will post on your thread !

Yes, I know I broke Plan B in order to talk to WH about the
the insurance and house. I was not at all looking forward
to talking to WH, but didn't see any way around it since
my having the surgery hinged totally on my still being on
his insurance and there was no way to determine and/or be
able to negotiate that without dealing with WH.
I also cannot sell the house without his involvement and will have to deal with him some in order to negotiate the
"Settlement Plan", so felt I couldn't avoid it any longer
since I have to get on with these things.
Believe me, especially after the way he acted and things he
said, I don't want any more involvement that I absolutely
have to, and if I could afford a lawyer to handle it all
for me, would have definitely done that. Other than the
business at hand I don't intend to have any other contact
and will be right back in Plan B.

I'm feeling very, very tired and drained and very anxiously
look forward to the long holiday weekend, although I will
have lots to do with having to get the house ready to put
up for sale.
Slammed

Hi Slammed- glad to hear things are working better for you. And as screwed up as a WH can be, I'm sure it was nice to hear the I'm sorry.

That's the great thing about this surgery- PERCOCET!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But get some stool softeners (sorry if it's TMI, but you'll be glad you have them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) The pain for me was not really that bad. I do have a lovely scar, though!

Sorry to hear about you ankle, Slammed. I'm also sorry that your WH is such a jerk. It's unbelievable that he won't even help you get the house ready to sell when you're hurt and have to have surgery. I don't think you need Plan B either -- like you say, who wants to be around someone like him?

As hard as this is on you, I think that after you get through the worst of it and get your own little place that is all yours and move on with your life, that you'll start feeling happy again. And if your WH ever realizes what he threw away, by then, I can't imagine you wanting a person like him in your life. Time and distance will change your perspective and you'll find that you are so beyond him.

And... do exactly what you need for yourself. But, don't do one thing to make anything easier for him. Don't let him bully you into anything you don't want to do. If you want to take your time on the divorce, tough for him. He has no right to ask anything of you. He's the one who is completely in the wrong here.

Take care of yourself. A year from now, you'll wonder why you ever wanted him back. But you did the right thing for yourself at the time. And you'll always know that you bent over backwards to save the marriage. I hope you find a great new life in front of you. Once things calm down, you'll probably be open to some new adventures.

How is your ankle Slammed? I agree 100% with everyone here - do whatever you need to do, including the surgery. WH does not have the right to control you like that when you are hurt. What, he thinks he can do whatever he wants to do and in the meantime you are just supposed to do everything that would HELP him do the selfish, unfair and unkind things???

Milk

Thanks, All.
Started the day feeling better about the insurance/ankle
situation, however I called the "Court Facilitator" to
ask her a question today and while we were talking, I also
asked her about the timeline on things being finalized that
WH had told me yesterday. She said that it takes about 1-2
days for the paperwork to get to her office, then usually
a day or two for review before it goes up to the Judge,
and that the District we are in usually signs off within
a week or so, then returns the paperwork for filing, so
a D could be finalized within 1-2 weeks, not 3-4 weeks as
WH made it sound yesterday. I started to feel really mad,
thinking he had told me false in, but she did say that the
court clerks often quote things on the maximized time side,
just so people aren't expecting action earlier.

So, now I am concerned again, that if the final paperwork
is filed next week it could be signed off and final by
middle of December, which would only give me insurance
until middle of January, rather than end of the month as
I was hoping. I explained this to the facilitator, who
suggested that we just not file the final papers until
mid or later Dec., so that I'd for sure have insurance
coverage. I'm all for that, but with WH so determined not
to wait one minute longer than he has to and so unwilling
to delay, I doubt he will agree to it, and there's nothing
I can do to force that. (the paperwork is technically "due"
by Nov 28, but you can get an extension if both willing,
giving you up to another month).
Not that she can do anything about it, but I did express
to the facilitator my frustration that it's so easy to get
divorced in our state- "no fault", no "grounds", no required
counseling, and just a short waiting period. I also just
happened to let it "slip" that WH's "waffling" about the D
and now his rush on the paperwork seemed to be tied to the
whims of his affair "girlfriend". She didn't comment and
is supposed to be "neutral", but at least she knows....

I worked some on the "Financial Disclosure" that I have to
submit, and was able to get a copy of the "Settlement Plan"
from the courts website, so have started to draft that too,
just so I won't have to deal with WH any longer than I have
to this weekend, or whenever we have to do it. Thought of
calling to talk about the insurance sitch again, but have
been fairly busy with work today and just didn't feel like
dealing with it right now, since it's sure to be more of
the hassling... Guess if he still refuses to delay, my
next proposal will be that I keep his half of our savings
account since I'll need $$ to a pay for the costs after I
lose his insurance coverage- what'd ya think !!??

Starting to feel sad today as clients are wishing me a nice
Thanksgiving. All holidays just seem especially sad when
you've lost the love of your life.

Thanks, Mrs. R, for the tip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I personally prefer DARVOSET
(still have some from breaking a toe), but am glad to hear
that the pain wasn't too bad. Guess I can live with the scar. Did you do much PT ?

Thanks GrownUp and Milk for the thoughts and support too.
Milk, my ankle is looking less swollen and bruised, but is
still very stiff and doesn't feel too stable. I am allowed
to go without my walking cast as I feel able to, so did for
awhile this morning but it started to hurt, so I'm back in
my good old "boot" now.
Hope everyone has a great holiday.
Slammed

It's been a very busy week-

Did okay with Thanksgiving- my parents came over for part of
the day and we enjoyed eating, watching a movie, and as it
was a nice day, even raked and bagged all the leaves in the
backyard !
WH left a message while I was in the shower that morning,
saying "Happy Thanksgiving", and said he was "thinking he
might go for a hike" (?). My thought was "yeah, right, a
hike right over to OW's house"! I'm sure they are still
together, and I'd bet he was on the way to her house for
the day (was calling from his cell).
After all this time I don't know why he still tries to make
it appear as thought they aren't together, or that it's
just "casual" or that she doesn't dictate his every move !

Was off Friday and was glad to have the long weekend since
I had much to do to get the house ready to put up for sale.
I stayed VERY busy- dusted, cleaned glass, vacuumed, oiled
wood, sorted, mopped, and even shampooed furniture and part
of the carpets, so was exhausted each night.
It was emotionally hard too, as there are so many memories
of H and I in this house. Couldn't help but remember and
think of us laughing as we painted a room together, or
played with the dog, or watched a movie in front of the
fireplace. Ran across photos and remembered the fun of
decorating the house for holidays. Found more belongings
of Wh's, which I packed in a box and put in the garage for
him to take. Felt not only sad and sentimental, but also
angry and resentful that WH's illness and affair have cost
me a home I loved so much, as well as my husband and all
I had.
Did take time to go to a movie with friends and do a few errands and some shopping too.

After avoiding it for about a week, I finally did talk to
WH yesterday, as I wanted to discuss again the insurance
situation since the information I was given last week made
it sound like the D could finalize more quickly than what
WH had been told. He was defensive at first, saying he had
gotten the info from the other court facilitator, but then
understood when I told him what our facilitator had said
as far as them usually quoting the timeframe on the "long
side" to avoid people expecting quicker results or calling
repeatedly to check on their case status.
Told him my concern that if we filed the final D papers
this week it could be finalized within 1-2 weeks, which
would only give me insurance coverage until early-mid Jan.
(you get 30 days after date divorce is finalized).
Told him the facilitator's suggestion that we wait to file
until close to surgery date to ensure I have at least 30
days after that, but he was still insistent he can't wait
and have this "go into next year". I finally asked why the
date was such a big concern to him- was it due to taxes,
some kind of deadline with OW, wedding plans ??
He seemed annoyed- just said it was "nothing like that",
just that he'd "had it in his head that it'd be done by end of year", and "didn't want this to continue into 2007".

Talked a little further, and WH did agree he'd be willing to
wait until next week, figuring it'd still finalize before
end of the year, but would give me insurance coverage a
bit later in January- so I guess that's now the "plan".

Thought about it later, and remember WH is one that has always been very stubborn and set in his ways once he has an idea in his head, so maybe he really does just have a "deadline" in his own mind, but I still wonder if OW gave him an ultimatum or if they are planning to marry ?
I know it's him, not me, but still makes me feel bad that he's so anxious to "be rid" of me as though I've been so horrible or difficult, or just a "leech" to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Part of me really has to think too, that his being in such
a rush now may be because he's been so "back and forth" all
this time and he just wants to be "done" so he can't keep
changing his mind.
I really wonder though if even D is going to "put it to bed" as far as ending his confusion, "waffling", guilt, moments of doubt or regret and changing his mind ???
Is this really what it takes to get a true PLAN B through
to him, for him to go all the way to D ??
If he still thinks it leaves a door open to reconcile, in
case he "changes his mind", doesn't he realize that he's
"burning that bridge" BIGTIME !!???

I think I know how things are going to be for me (certainly
not good) but wonder if it's really going to be like he
thinks, for himself ? (I assume he must think it's going to
be quite "rosy"). If it's not really "rosy", can a person
really convince themselves they are "better off" and just
forget and "blow off" the past like that ???

Also told WH that I had the house almost done, as far as
being ready to put up for sale. He said he'd call the
realtor to see when he could come for a "walk through".
(The realtor is a business acquaintance of WH who we were
going to use when we planned to sell this house and move to
"his" new house together, back during our "false" recovery.
I am okay with using him as he is a good realtor, and was
also going to give us a "deal" by charging a lower than the
norm percentage on the sale, which helps me since all the
sale proceeds go to me).

A little later WH called back, said the realtor would come
over tonight to do a "walk through" (makes suggestions on
things to change or do for a better sale), to bring some
comps and figures on sales in our area to help with setting
a sales price, and to bring the contract we both have to
sign. Even though I knew it was coming, I still feel very
sad and just not ready for this to happen. I have racked
my brains for any ideas I could come up with on ways to
keep the house, but it just comes down to being too much
expense, space, and upkeep, and probably memories too.
Guess I'm hanging on to it because it's all I have left
now, and because I'll never have such a nice house again.
Probably sounds silly, but I'm going to go through all the
rooms today and take pictures, just so I can remember how
it looked.

Have a few more things to finish in the house today as I
have time, and am NOT looking forward to seeing WH or the
realtor tonight.

We had snow overnight so it's a beautiful "wintery" white
day- not much in the Christmas mood though.

Slammed

Be ready for him to try to make contact with you. You see, you broke PLAN B in talking about the surgery so now he's going to try to slip back into contact again. Calling you was disrespecting your PLAN B boundary.

Because of those memories you are having is why I wanted to move out of our house.



AHHH...you are blowing this ....just read this....YUCK!!!!!


You have not been in PLAN B, Slammed....

Well, you are definitely not in PLAN B now...




Why are you talking so NICELY to him, Slammed? You had a LONG CONVERSATION?? You are giving him the message that it will be life as usual after a D..no consequences for his actions. So what if you Ded? You will still have friendly conversations with him. YUCK..This is the man who is causing you to have to put your house up for sale and to move out. I wouldn't have had anything to do with HIM or his REALTOR. I'M MAD FOR YOU!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



I can't believe you, Slammed. So you are finished with the idea of PLAN B. Why did you call Steve Harley to get his advice only to ignore it?

You have given up on your marriage.

You will be divorced.

This sounds cold. I know..but I really am VERY SAD for you...

If I were you, though, I would have a CHANGE OF PLANS for tonight and they would NOT BE WELCOMED....

Can't believe I just lost a whole, long post. Am getting
really frustated with the constant problem of "we cannot
proceed" reply whenever I post-

Mimi~ Glad to hear from you and always appreciate your
thoughts and perspective.

Yes, I know I broke Plan B in order to discuss the insurance
situation with WH. As having the ankle surgery hinged on my
still have insurance coverage and I had a very short time-
frame to get it scheduled, I didn't feel I had a choice but
to talk to him about it. Now that there is a "plan" in place
there should be no need for further discussion on it.
I also brought up the house situation in that conversation
because what we are doing about this house has to be stated
in the "Settlement Plan" paperwork, which was actually due
today. Knowing that WH doesn't have to continue to pay on
it and that I couldn't afford the house alone, I didn't have
a choice but to put it up for sale- certainly isn't that I
wanted to or was doing it to help out or "be nice" to WH.

Were I able to, I'd love to sell it without any involvement
or without WH even knowing about it, but as a co-owner, he
is required to be here for the realtor "walk through", and
has to sign the contract and paperwork agreeing to the sale
price. After that, he won't be needed until a sale is made,
so there won't any need for further contact on that either.

The realtor is not a friend of WH's, and is not the realtor
he used for his house- he's just someone he knows through
his job who has a very good reputation in town and offered
to give a better deal as a "professional courtesy".
I didn't have an issue with that since I don't know of any
realtors myself, and having a better deal will help me get
more money in the sale. I know it's not the realtors fault
or issue and will be courteous with him, but it will be hard
since I didn't want to sell the house.

No, I didn't have a long conversation with WH, and was not
"talking nicely" to him. I tried to keep it as short and
business-like, and just to the issues at hand, as possible.
Did not intend to "open the door" to contact or being any
kind of "friends" with WH, and hope that isn't what he is
thinking. Due to his actions, he has LOST ME, and that is
what I hope he realizes and what I've tried to make clear
to him, all along. That's also what I meant by saying he
was "burning that bridge, bigtime !"

I'm NOT done with or giving up on Plan B, or on what SH
told me, either. He didn't think that WH would go forward
or "push" for D, felt it was more a "ploy" to appease OW,
but suggested that I "drag my feet" on the D as much as I
could, which is what I've done.
SH also said, in case WH did push forward, that he knew I'd
have to deal with some of the "reality" issues (such as the
house) and that I'd have to handle it as best I could while
staying in Plan B as much as possible, so I've tried to do that also. (He was aware I did not have money to be able to
have a lawyer handle it all).
He said I could call back if things changed, and I'd love to
do that, but don't really have the money right now. I guess
he might say pretty much the same thing since there isn't
really much I can do other than Plan B - ??

I have NOT given up on my marriage, still LOVE my husband
and would give or try ANYTHING to have him and our life
back and a chance at a fresh start together. I have never
wavered in believing in him and M, and never will, even
if we divorce.
Hoping has gotten harder though, the longer time has worn
on, knowing the affair is still apparently "alive and well"
and recently fueled with a week in the Caribbean, the more
WH has detached and distanced from me, with his seeming
to be able to convince himself that we had a "bad relation
ship"from the start which kept him from being "happy" and
especially by his now racing to have me "out of his life"
and our M "done" by end of the year.
At this point and down to so little time, I really feel like nothing I do or don't do, say or don't say is going to stop WH from the "freight train" to disaster he is on, determined to get D. I have prayed and prayed, feeling that only God has the power and ability to "intervene" and make
a miracle that can change things enough to make a difference
at the last minute..

Is there is any hope ? Nothing more I can do ?
Slammed

Slammed:

I'm so so sorry.

I just don't know what to say to you.

Remember, We put our house up for sale and sold OUR house during my PLAN B...

Do you know what lengths I took to make sure not to see or to talk to my H? I was THAT SERIOUS AND COMMITTED at that time about sticking to PLAN B. The realtor worked within my guidelines because she wanted the listing.

I don't think there's any PLAN B for you now.

Yes, it is in God's hands now, I think...

UNLESS you REALLY MIRACULOUSLY develop some TOUGHNESS...

That was the TURNING POINT for me...learning and believing that LOVE MUST BE TOUGH...

So, so sorry...


(((((Slammed))))

Slammed,

I think the very best thing you can do for yourself AND your marraige is to truly move forward and go on with your life. As long as you hold on, as long as you act like you'll take him back, he won't be interested. And I don't think you'll be happy again until you can leave him behind and focus on yourself. Try to find yourself a sweet little house that is all yours and exactly what you want. Focus on your life and making the best of it. You'll find happiness that way and it's probably the only way your DH will ever want you back -- and by then, you may truly find that you want more than he's capable of giving.

The next couple of months are going to suck. But keep in mind that you have a future ahead of you. Make it clear to your WWWWWH that you are over him and ready to have new life without having his multitude of issues dragging you down. I'd even act cheerful about it around him. Let him know that after this is all over, it's better that you stop all contact -- not even businessy emails -- since you are excited about your future and all the hurt and betrayal drags you down. Then, stick with it and ignore him and work on yourself and getting your life where YOU want it to be.

You can do this. I've seen other people move on and you can too.

Hang in there.

Agreed....



I wish SLAMMED could STICK WITH IT as you say...that is what she was supposed to have been doing during PLAN B...

Slammed never made herself TOTALLY UNAVAILABLE to her WH...which is unfortunate...

Well, the meeting with the realtor went as well as could be
expected (actually maybe better, as it was a chance for an
"exposure" and realtor has recently dealt with affair too-
see details below) and the house will be listed for sale as
of tomorrow-

I was upstairs changing clothes when WH arrived a little bit
prior to the appointment time last night. I heard him knock
on the door coming in from the garage then use his key to
come in, so just continued getting ready in the bathroom
and shut the door. A few minutes later WH yelled up the
stairs to say "He'd let himself in, thinking it was probably
hard for me to get around" (ankle) and "Did I need him to do
anything before the realtor came ?". I just said "No, I'd
taken care of everything already".
A few minutes later the realtor arrived and I took the lead
in doing the "walk through" around the house. WH came along
too and ocassionally added a comment about something we were
looking at or an improvment we'd made, but really didn't say
much. The realtor thought things looked very nice and had
few suggestions of anything else that needed done, which
was nice after all the work I'd done.
Then we went to sit and look at the comps and paperwork.
WH got a call and went out to the garage to take it, so
was sure it was OW with one of her constant "checking up
on you" calls. While he was gone I told the realtor I was
sure he'd noticed my lack of enthusiasm and it was nothing
to do with him but that I loved the house and hadn't wanted
to sell it. He said "Yes, he'd been made aware of that".
Then, he said he understood because he was selling his own
house right now, due to having gotten divorced earlier this
year. He added that his wife had a boyfriend and had married
him the month after the divorce, so he also understood how
hurtful and frustrating it was ! Told him I was trying to avoid all contact with WH and wished he'd not needed to be
there for the meeting. He said he was sorry that it had been
required, but that WH wouldn't need to be involved after
last night, and that he'd do all he could to make it as
easy and smooth as possible and to get a good sale for me.
WH returned about that time, so we determined a sales price
and finished the paperwork and the realtor left.

As WH got ready to leave (was glad he didn't try to linger)
he gave me my new insurance card (effective tomorrow) and
he said "he knew there were still lots of his things here
and that he could come get them so they would be out of the
way and less clutter for showing the house". I said I had
already started cleaning out and sorting and was putting his
things in boxes in the garage that he could get when I was
done. (Thought this was best way to handle it so he would
have no reason to keep coming over, to be around me in the
house, or to take things if I was gone). He actually looked
a litte surprised and maybe a bit hurt...
Then, he said he'd better get home to the dog so he'd talk
to me today. I said, "NO, that we'd had to talk about the
insurance due to my surgery, and about the house stuff, but
that nothing had changed and would'nt as long as his affair
continued", and that he could "re-read my letter to refresh
his memory on why there was no reason to call or have any
contact with me" (meaning the PBL). I turned and came back
in the house, and he left-

Thought I'd feel really upset last night, but perhaps due
to being tired and already being upset all day, I did ok.
I realized that were we together we'd still be selling the
house, as our plans (before A and during "false recovery")
were to sell this house and live in the house WH renovated
and lives in now- but of course, this is different when I
am selling it and likely will be moving to a different home
alone...

Today I'm working and hope to run some errands later. I'll
also do a little more "touch up" around the house, as the
realtor is to come to take some photos and put up the SALE
sign tomorrow. His best "guess" was that it would likely
take 80-90 days for a sale, in which case it is going to
definitely get old keeping the house "ready" all the time,
especially with the dog ! They also are working with me
as far as knowing I have to be in the house and working
during the day and can't leave for showing during that
time- they will either come with me here, or have to come
during my lunch break, after work, or on weekends-

Thanks GrownUp-
I know I'll never have this nice of a house again, but I
will try to make the process of finding a new place and
making it comfortable, cozy, and "my own" as fun as I can.
Other than that, there's not really anything left to do as
far as "moving" on from WH or the marriage- that's all done
and I've had to become used to living as a "single" again,
as much as I HATE it !
Won't be around WH to act cheerful or otherwise as I have
no intention of having anything to do with him now that the
insurance and house are dealt with. Won't have need of even
businessy emails anymore either if D, as there will be no business or anything left between us to discuss...

Hard to imagine I'd ever not want to be with H (H, not WH)
as the H I loved and knew so well for all our (almost) 13
years ago was a man who met all my needs and was the most
loving, kind, caring, generous, fun, and smart person I've
ever known. I understand what you mean though, since he is
not that same person now, and due to illness and/or A may
not able to be that person again... that is so hard and so
sad too.

Mimi-
I do remember you had to sell your house too, and can surely
understand how difficult that was, although I really would
have liked to keep mine, despite the memories and sadness
that some of them bring..
I know you did a better job at being creative and able to
do a "darker" Plan B than I have, and have appreciated all
the suggestions. I'm sure I could have done some things
better, although I have really tried to avoid all contact
and "work" the plan as best I could when still having to
deal with finances and a few other joint issues. It was
very strange to see WH last night, and realized I'd only
seen him once before (day he came to the door with papers)
in the past 6 mos., and have talked to him just once prior
to last week (re: insur and house). Everything about him
seemed so familiar, yet realized how little I've know of
his life, family, job, etc. and that really it makes you
almost strangers after so much time..

Slammed