I have been reading the board for several months now and finally decided to post. I'm kind of amazed at the path this site has taken and wonder where the moderator is, to be quite honest! I was the betrayer in my marriage, and I honestly don't see how my marriage can work out. I've tried to think of every avenue possible, and would like NOT to throw away my 9 year marriage, but where is the dividing line between living life miserably and living it otherwise (which is the scary part, because I don't know otherwise yet).<P>Had a 1.5 year affair with someone that I was friends with at first. This was not based on sex, it was based on some very deep feelings for one another. I know some people will say that any affair is a fantasy, but this took years to develop into a full blown affair, and unfortunately I allowed that to happen. I can never condone what I did, because it goes completely against what I've been taught and what I've always felt deep inside (that affairs are WRONG WRONG WRONG!), no matter how this may sound to others. But I'm not going to sit here and sugarcoat this to try and come across as remorseful, because my remorse runs deep, and I can't really articulate it to the point where words can do it justice. And I'm not going to try to excuse what I did, but let me just focus on my marriage now. My H knows what happened. He has chosen to forgive me under the premise of whatever he wants to do now, it should be allowed. What I did was something to him that opened the gates of perpetual non marital freedom to him. And actually, this sits well with me because before my affair we never got along - our conversations were ridiculous. I would ask him a question (very point blank run of the mill like, "Hi honey, how was your day?" and he would answer, "Why?" I would say because I was curious, and he would start in on me. He was always away with his buddies, never wanted to spend time with me, and when we were together, he would boast of how intellectual he is and how people just can't grasp his level of intelligence. When he drinks, it's exacerbated. We've been to counselors, been to workshops, we've tried, but there is something missing here. And it's called compatibility and understanding. Honestly, we are on TWO separate WAVELENGTHS. I try, believe me I TRY (because I want nothing more than to reach a plateau of understanding!) but it's like talking to a wall. We simply should not have gotten married, I believe. The love IS NOT THERE. We've gone through the gamut here, and have exhausted our options. I guess most would say, do what's best for both of you and what you both feel is right. So that leaves us with divorce. And although I know that we will never be "right" together, I still have problems with this, because it hurts like hell and because we have given up on something that we held so precious 9 years ago, enough to make a commitment by. That's what hurts. Anyone in this situation? I feel alone right now.

No, I'm not in this situation. I don't want you to feel more alone than you already feel.<P>Your marriage may not have many loveunits deposited into both of your accounts. Marriage isn't always about love, but commitment. I'm not preaching to you, but trying to give you a thread of something to hang on to.<P>It is an internal motivation, not external. I would imagine you felt all the things you didn't feel in your marriage in your affair. What made the affair end? <P>What are your emotional needs? Have you communicated them with your husband? Have you identified which lovebusters are the worst, and which ones aren't? Have you communicated to your husband how that makes you feel when something that he does happens? <P>I ask lots of questions! Well, it just helps me get a better feel for what is going on.<P>

Connor<BR>I don't have any advice really. I just wanted to tell you that 2 years ago I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with my H. We were so different.<BR>Several things happened including his affair.<BR>I decided to give it everything I had before I gave up.<BR>Now I can't imagine spending my life without him!!!!!<BR>Sometimes we have to work on ourselves to get what we need from our spouse.<BR>I'm not going to ramble. I just wanted you to know that it can happen.

I should have been more explicit, I'm not too good at that. When I talk to my husband calmly about what I need, he guffaws and says that I'm insecure and depend too much on him for my happiness and that I need to search within myself to find it. When I ask him not to be cruel and listen for just 5 minutes to me (I ask if we could take 5 minute turns) he interrupts me, screaming over me to tell me that no one understands him because his level of intellect far surpasses anyone else's and if I can't understand him, that's my problem, not his. There is a communication barrier here that is impassable.<P>What made the affair end? I guess I was lucky in that it died it's own death. I met his wife, I liked her, and we actually became friends (or close acquaintances). She told me all about their marriage, which was in complete contrast what he told me, and I believed her, because he had already lied to get what he wanted, and she had no reason to. That was the ending. She still doesn't know till this day, and I feel horrible, because I did like her so much. I would say my emotional needs are love, honesty, affection, communication, caring, listening. That's about it. If I could have communication and listening, I would be happy. Yes, I've told him over and over and over again how I need this, but there has ALWAYS been a barrier, it's as if he doesn't even hear what I'm saying! I can't even describe it, because when I talk to him, he will go off on another tangent completely. I'm thinking that he feels threatened and strays off topic because he feels insecure and as if he is somehow being attacked, when I'm not at all doing this, I'm just trying to broach subjects that need to be discussed. But he can't get past the "machismo" of it all, if that makes any sense. As far as lovebusters, yep, I know exactly which lovebusters are the worst, and we have discussed it. I even told him tonight that there are certain things we both need, please tell me and please at least take in what I've told you and think about it. All he'll say is that some people cannot understand him, I'm really thinking the more I write, the more he's suffering from insecure feelings and being threatened, if only he could be open with me on this. I've communicated with him so often about it makes me feel when he treats me like this, and it's as if he's not listening, no matter how often I repeat it. He has a wall up, it's breaking that wall down. And that wall has been up for a long time now.

wasstubborn, I'm at that fork in the road where I'm saying that I would give it all up to be with him, and then I feel so empty inside because there is a depleted love bank. There are things I remember and love so much about my husband. Like holidays, I love the holidays. I can't imagine them without him, and I do love him so much, I'm crying now thinking about it and the fights we get into. It's trying to repair it, and after so much time of trying, the gears have to change. I'm willing to change gears, but I don't think he is.

Connor<BR>I don't know how to explain it. Maybe tomorrow my brain will work better.<BR>All I know is that miracles do happen.<BR>I'm not kidding when I tell you that I was ready to just GO. No hope.<BR>I guess what I did was concetrate on what I could do not for the marriage necessarily but to make me a better person. A happier person.<BR>I guess part of it was I wanted to show him how much better I was than the OW. If we were going to split up it wasn't going to be about her.<BR>Part of it was my severe concussion just before discovery. I found out what it was like to maybe not have tomorrow. I just decided I wasn't going to waste any more time hoping he would change and the marriage would get better. I did what I could whether he cooperated or not. It made me feel good about me and what I was doing. That's contagious.<BR>I'm babbling and probably not doing you any good. I just really wanted you to know that miracles do happen but sometimes we have to give them a kickstart!