[color:"green"]OK so my boyfriend is 44 and has no children. Has never spent much time around children.

Like most parents (I think) I complain about my kid's behavior when it bugs me - especially the dd16. (Teens suck)

Now this is a Mars vs. Venus thing I'm pretty sure, but when I complain about the kids BF offers me suggestions about what he would or would not do. Understand that kids are not black and white and he does not have a clue sometimes.

I feel very defensive when someone says judgemental things about my kids or my kid's choices.

I told BF this morning that while I think he was just trying to be helpful and it was a guy thing to try and problem solve for me, that I did not want him to offer me advice on my kids. That I wanted him to just listen and be sympathetic and he didn't need to solve any problems. That it was hard for me to listen to advice from him because A. he didn't have children himself, and B. it hurts me and I get defensive when someone talks harshly about my kids or their choices.

During the early part of our conversation before we were discussing her, my daughter was in the room and I didn't say anything much because she was there.

After I drew the boundary about this expectation to BF he accused me of being in a bad mood and something was wrong and now I was doing this because of that.

I had been in a totally cheerful mood earlier. DD and I were singing laughing and joking while he had listened via the phone.

Now I am second guessing myself as to whether I was too harsh sounding about the boundary, or if I was right to set it and he will just have to get over it.

It is a big red flag to me that his first defense recently has been to try and blame me somehow - my mood - when I tell him that something really bugs me.

I tried to explain to him that talking about someone's kids is taken very personally by the parent. That I've seen him get very defensive himself if someone says anything negative about his dog.

Now he is avoiding me - he usually sends me an email during the day.

I can be just as childish. I'll stay home tonight instead of driving 25 miles to get into his car and drive 20 more minutes to go to an informal reception and then to his friend's house. And then drive back myself. I'm tired.

V.[/color]

LET ME JUST SAY >>>>>>BRAVO<<<<<<<

Further, while it may be more dominant in men, I think it's a people issue. Having a clearly stated boundary in place is a must and I commend you for doing so. If this one is worth keeping, I wouldn't go so far as play childish games with him. It's definately an issue that warrants more discussion. If'n y'all are thinking of someday hitchin' up, you have got to be crystal clear on the kid issue and he has to have a clear understanding on what his role is. This exact issue is a major factor in 2nd marriage failures.

Good on ya, mate...

[color:"green"]Thank you LH - it feels good to be validated like that.

I wonder if everyone that sets a boundary gets as upset as I do when it is not received well.

He is getting over it - he emailed me something neutral to say hey.

V. [/color]

Good explanation, but look at it from his point of view and read your words. You go to him and complain about your kids. He tried to participate in your life and offered advise (even if not good) that he thought you wanted. Now you tell him that you never wanted his suggestions. You just wanted some sympathy, and you don't intend to let him be involved in that part of your life. He's probably feeling a little rejected and confused.

If you can't handle the criticism, don't back down on your boundary. But you should quit dumping your problems on him if you don't want him to try to fix them. You can tell him that you had a bad day and just need a hug.

I'm with you Sunny. I think you have it nailed on the Mars/Venus thing. We women want to be validated and listened to. Men need to "fix."

I have also been VERY sensitive to criticism of my kids by an XBF. Also, he got competitive with our kids. I couldn't tell him a story about one of my kids without him needing to TOP it with a story about his kids being better/smarter/faster....UGH.

I sense that you are not very satisfied with BF.

OUCH!! I think that is a whopper of a Disrespectful Judgement, to put it mildly. I totally agree that people without kids will rarely fully understand what it's like to be a parent. Yet to tell someone that it's hard for you to listen to their advice because they have no kids is rude.

Does this mean you can't give him any advice for his life because you are not a male? See what I mean?

I agree with the other poster, you should not be complaining about your kids to him if you shoot him down the minute he wants to offer advice. You may not like the advice, and you may tell him that sometimes you just want him to listen, but to say that you don't want to hear him because he has no kids is a big insult.


That is fair enough.


Yeah, I think you have many challenges in this relationship.

AGG