I just told him a couple weeks ago that I cheated on him. I had an EA going on with some guy for several months and I met him one night, got drunk, and ended up sleeping with him. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I love my husband more than anything and I regret more than anything what I have done. Like every relationship, we had our problems, but NOTHING that should have made me go out and do this. Anyhow, I've taken responsibility for what I did, I told my husband, I've cut off all contact with OM. Of course my H was shocked (never saw this coming) and was upset and angry etc. But now he seems like he is withdrawing from me. This was one of our problems before all this. He's pretty quiet and I felt kind of alone.

Do I just give him time and leave him alone? I don't want him to think I don't care because I do.....but I want him to have his time if he needs it.

I have never been through something like this and I want more than anything in this world to have a better and happy marriage and love my husband forever. I know I would never do that to him again. I know he loves me too, but I don't know if he can get past this. How do I convince him that I will never do this again and that I love him more than anything?

Tell him to come to this web site and post, that way he can get help with his feelings from people who have been there.

Welcome to MB. One thing that always comes to my mind is the fact that you had all of the time during and after the A until you revealed it to him to know and deal with the feelings. Your BW(betrayed spouse) has only had since you revealed to come to terms with this.

I am not bashing you here- I really respect FWS(Formerly Wayward Spouses) who come here honestly seeking help for their marriage.

He did not have a choice in this - it was dumped on him. Before you revealed, I am sure you dealt with the guilt, confusion, whatever else you were feeling. He didn't have the advantage. Now you are ready to move on and get life back to normal, but he is not quite there yet.

The big question is what to do about it, huh?

As lealas suggested, have him read here.
Purchase Surviving an Affair and read it together.

Is counseling an option? If you can afford it, I understand that Steve Harley is wonderful. If not, check with your health insurance. Mine provided 10 free sessions at any counselor in my network.

Everyone reacts differently to discovering their spouse is in or has been involved in an affair. For me, I wanted all the details- why did this happen, where did you meet, how didy ou communicate, etc. Have you asked him what he needs?

Have you been tested for STDs? You really should- even if protection was used.

I hope the very best for you and your husband.

No STD's.....I was tested and I met this person only once and am not really sure of the details myself because I was so out of it. But, it has been months and after my yearly exam in Jan, the doctor said everything is normal.

I'll tell him to come on here. I think he has been talking to people on some board anyhow.

I just see all the complaints on here about your WS not wanting to work on things, I am trying that, and it doesn't seem to be working. I thought someone might be able to lend some advice as to what you would want your spouse to do.

I understand and this place seems like more of a place for the people who have been betrayed. That doesn't mean I'm not hurting too. I made a mistake (a terrible one). But I don't expect anyone on here to understand I guess because you are on the other side of the fence.

Thanks though.

No way, girl, this is for everyone- BS and WS. I so hope I didn't make it sound that way.

I know you are hurting. I have several friends on the boards who are FWS and I see how they hurt. Heck, I'm married to a FWS and I know how he hurt and still hurts sometimes.

I'm very sorry if I sounded that way.

I only wanted to remind you that because of the time since the A and d-day, he is in a totally different place in the recovery process from you.

I was very sincere in mentioning for you to ask him what he needs from you as we all do react differently. I also think that seeing a counselor is a good thing, too.

Blessings

I didn't take offense to your post.....I am just wanting some feedback on how to help him (from a perspective of someone who has been in his position). I know this is still new to him and you are right, I dealt with this for months before I told him. I am just lost really.

I am seeing a counselor (he has gone with me twice). But he says he doesn't think a counselor will do anything for him. And I constantly ask him how he is feeling, what I can do, etc. He really doesn't have much to say. Maybe time will heal him. I hope so because I really love him more than anything.

Hello! I am a WS. D-day was in late July '04 then second D-D was in middle of August 2004.

Be prepared for a long bumpy road. It's not easy. I am struggling every day to gain back trust from my husband. Be honest with him. From my experience on the web-site, you have to be transparent. Answer all questions. Don't leave questions, unanswered.

Start dating your husband again Plan it now. If you have childen, get a babysitter and plan an evening. Just tell him what to wear. You need to do this at least every month.

Good luck! Time heals.

Good idea on dating your husband. I know the one on one time we have spent together has really helped us.

We try every few weeks to go out of town and stay in a hotel. Priceline has made it very inexpensive to stay in a 4star hotel.

Dr. harley recommends 15 hours a week of couple time for even healthy couples. For couples who are struggling, he suggests even more couple time a week.

I must say there have been times that I didn't really want to spend time alone with him. This was because when it was just the two of us, my mind would wander to 'them'

It has gotten so much better and I thoroughly enjo our time together. That is not to say, I never have a trigger or feel weirded out about something, but it is better.

Have you asked him to come here? Maybe reading here and posting will help you both move into recovery.

Blessings

I've been trying to get him to go out for two years. I wish dating was an option. I'll keep trying, but he rarely wants to go out of the house. Now that this has occured, he probably won't want to leave at all. My counselor thinks he may have depression issues. He says he's just a homebody. Hopefully he will continue counseling and we'll see.

************EDIT*************

******Rick, this is a SUPPORT site!!!!!!!**JustUss*********

Rick, please remember this is a Marriage Building site. I am sorry youu are hurting. How about sharing your story, maybe someone will be able to assist you in dealing with your pain.

I am not a WS. I am a BS. I admire WSs who come here hoping to find out what they can do to make ammends. I did not read anything blaming her husband. In fact, she takes full responsibility.


I'm Back,
Does your husband have a doctor he sees regularly? If so, maybe he would discuss the situation with him or her. Depression is very real and finding out your spouse has been in an affair could definatley contribute to that.

I wish I had a magic cure for you.

Do you have children?

Maybe you can set aside time for the two of you to spend quality time at home together if going out is not an option.

Let's look at it differently maybe. Do you know his ENs? What are his top 3? What can you do to meet those? Maybe sort of a Plan A where you do your best to improve yourself and meet his needs without expecting him to meet yours. Maybe that will have the effect of him desiring to meet yours.

Hang in there

You still here? Don't let anyone scare you off.

Hi ImBack

You came to a great place. You have my respect since you are remorseful. Did your husband find out about it or did you confess?

Men and women process things different. A lot of times the men can forgive the emotional affair but the physical affair is hard for us to overcome.

I would suggest he go to counseling by himself and talk to someone and then go to marriage counseling together.

One word of caution is some of us just can't get over this. I am divorcing because of this and I just could not overcome the betrayal. My wife was really not a good wife but the only thing she could do to make me want a divorce is to sleep with another man. Well she did that and nothing can change my mind anymore.

Good luck to you, I hope things turn out better for you and your husband.

"Did your husband find out about it or did you confess?"
I confessed. I knew he would never find out, but I couldn't be dishonest with him anymore. This really wasn't the person I ever wanted to be or become. I can't explain it except to say that it just happened. Up until this point I was a very good wife. I devoted my entire life to him. I did everything for him. I think I reached a point where I felt alone and I made the biggest mistake of my life. I should have done more to get him to share my life with me. I just felt I had, but really I didn't.

We actually had a very good week up until today. He is angry today. Which is understandable. I guess I just need to be patient.

I'll just keep doing what I can do show him I do love him and want only him in my life.

I'm so sick and tired of women saying that they love their husbands more than anything, right after they meet some guy on the internet and have sex with them. You don't love your husband at all! But now that you've had your little fling and gotten it out of your system, suddenly you want to make it work with your husband. You're right, this is a support site. But it's should be a support site for people who were cheated on. Not for people who cheat and then want everybody to tell them their not the ****** that we all know they are.

Rick,

I am a BS. So please do not consider yourself the voice of the betrayed.

I would have loved it if my FWW would have come here for help during our crisis seeking help.

I have also found myself pissed off while reading others post because it struck a nerve with what I was dealing with. But just how is it you feel you are helping anything with your comments?

If Imback leaves this site because of comments like yours. Who do you think would really suffer from it? My guess would be her H.

Imback,

Did you know you can put a member here on your ignore list?

Imback,

Your H has an emotional rollercoaster to deal with, and is going to be hypersensitve for months to come.

Make a continuous effort to ensure him you are there for him.

Expect to live your life like an open book so he never has to nervous or insecure about what you are doing.

Read all you can on this site, also the books you will find on the main page. HNHN (His needs Her needs), SAA (Surviving an affair).

Try to get him here also.

"I'm so sick and tired of women saying that they love their husbands more than anything, right after they meet some guy on the internet and have sex with them. You don't love your husband at all!"

First off....who the ****** are you to know what I am feeling? And who said anything about meeting someone on the internet? I've been on the other end of this as well. I've been cheated on too. But my problem NOW is that I cheated.....once in my life and I regret it. I had ALOT of issues going on in my life and my husband wasn't there for me emotionally. Is it ihs fault, did he deserve this.....absolutely NOT. But that doesn't mean that I am not hurting for selling my soul and hurting the one person I love the most. We are human and we make mistakes.

"You're right, this is a support site. But it's should be a support site for people who were cheated on."
Actually, the reason I started posting on here is because ALL the people who have been cheated on (on this board) seem so frustrated that their spouse doesn't do anything to want to try to work on things. I DO and I'm just venting about my concerns that it may not be enough. I thought someone would have some advice. And I could have lived the rest of my life with this "fling" never being known. I told my husband because I DO love him and I've been in the other situation, and I know I would want to know and decide what the future holds. I confessed knowing full well it could be the end of my marriage to the one person I love in life. That takes alot of courage. In fact, I would have rather have been the one cheated on (cause I've been there). I would rather be hurt than hurt AND not able to look in the mirror everyday.

"Not for people who cheat and then want everybody to tell them their not the ****** that we all know they are"
I know what I am and what I'm not. I don't NEED a perfect stranger telling me. But thanks for trying to make others feel badly because you are hurting.

Anyone who has been through this (on either side) hurts. ANd I've been on BOTH sides. So don't judge me. I've NEVER once claimed that anyone is to blame but myself. I made a horrible mistake in a weak moment of my life. I've been with the same man since I was 17 years old. Am I a ***** for sleeping with 3 people my ENTIRE life? I don't think so and I don't care what you think about me.

Thanks for the kind words Justkeeptrying.....I have opened my life to him.....email accounts, cell phone, etc. I WANT him to know everything I am doing and with whom. I never want him to feel like I would ever do this again. I won't.

To ImBack, I just wanted to say that you seem to me to be doing all you can do. I just noticed that this all seems to have come to light in only the last few weeks. From my outside, somewhat unbiased, perspective, I think that for now you're just going to have to let the dust settle. It's going to take some more time for your husband to "digest" your indescretion. In the meantime, my only suggestion would be to continue to be open with your husband and let him know that you want to work this out with him, but remember to give him some space of his own too. I say that because he sounds like a bit of a loner and he might need some extra time to himself to figure out what he wants. Just a suggestion, I hope that helps.

Also, don't be TOO hard on yourself. You obviously feel regret and many folks don't even feel that. I've more or less been on both sides in these situations and I understand that just because you are the WS, sure as ****** doesn't mean that its been all fun and games for you.

thanks for listening.