Post deleted by friend4life

I am sorry you are back here and sorry about all the other troubles in your life. I can only give you my personal opinion. I would go ahead with the divorce if that's what you want. The children are smart, they KNOW what is going on, and I think it will be more devastating for them to live in such a dysfunctional situation for two or more years with two parents who are going to grow to hate each other. If you are going to divorce, I personally think it is better for the kids to get it done so they can adjust and move on.

As far as the school, I disagree with your opinion that it will reflect badly on you. Quite the contrary. On top of how shabbily your children were treated there, the stress of it all had dire consequences on your marriage. You following my line of thought?

My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself and your kids.

S.

Ladyinred - I remember you. Sorry you are back.

I would definitely snoop and find out what is going on.

As far as staying awhile for the kids, I think that is fine. Your kids are need stability now, and I see nothing wrong with postponing legal action.

I think I WOULD tell his dad about the affair.

Hi Friend4life

Sorry to see you back here agian because of your husband not getting it, seems like he will one of those who run from their problems, never did understand when they would rather choose drama, then liveing peacefuly with their family, as for you staying until the case against your childreds school is resolved if it helps, and is not too much for you to bear, then I would for the kids.

Please document all od hiis doings for your own safty since he seems to be in the sneaky stealth mode, all if your kids find out whay is going on please do not lie to them, as they know they can trust you and not their father.
Also with his dad these are the consequences when you cheat and the truth comes to light, you can't be single while marreid with kids.

Please take care of yourself , gather your friends and love about.

Post deleted by friend4life

LIR,

So sad to see this happening....again. Thanks for the painful recap but let's see how we can help U. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You know the basic steps. I will jump right to the meat of it and say that you need to get you and the children to a protected place (financially, mentally and emotionally).

You can't control the Ws.

Know when the WS is babbling vs your H talking.

It sounds like your H is a 'conflict avoider'. Work on your plan A or B from that angle.

Put your mind and heart in sync and move forward. If he chooses to move forward with you, implement your personal boundaries. You have them already identified, right?

Revese babble as needed. Remember that?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Expose. Even to FIL. Don't allow your FIL t/b manipulated. Expect his family to back him up more than you may want or expect. STand your ground anyways.

Strengthen your support group. Put 'em to work.

Never mind what the rest of the world may think or say. Do what you need t/d.

Hugz,
L.

Friend is it possible to do an in-house plan B, I mean cook for you and the kids only, do laundry for the three of you, if your husband wants out of his marriage so bad and wants to live his shallow single life then let him have it, no more meals, no more picking uup his faves at the store, since you no longer share a bedroom just your behavior towards him should be one of a annoying roomate that you can not wait to see the back of, this is what he wants this is what you should give him.....

Friend,

I am in a similar situation, only fast forward about 8 years. WH disclosed (what he described as an EA) 10 years ago. Told some of his buddies from a new community that we just moved to. Afterward,they told me he was bragging about it! One guy blabbed, and the entire community knew, except for me and my best friend (we've been friends for 25 years, they bought land behind us and moved in first). Kids were in middle school and trying to adjust to new school, community, newly-built custom home on 8 acres.

I stayed home w/3 DS and worked some part time. The year we moved in (1996), I got a part time teaching position at a local community college - perfect schedule around the kids. But talk about stress - preparing classes for the first time involves a lot of unpaid work! Anyway - H got involved with someone at work. Insisted it was just an EA. Said he ended it, but found out a year later that he was still making contact. He finally sent an NC to OW fiance in order to disclose to him to "make her leave him alone".

Went through three MCs, no IC. MB, books, etc. I was devasted. Kids saw me crying alot - I told them I was going through a hard time and reassured them that it had NOTHING to do with them! There were always issues in our relationship, but I always felt that it was my high anxiety level that was causing stress. So, I've tried everything - yelling, crying, screaming - talking calmly, open, being more spontaneous, laid-back - I think just about everything. Finally settled on just the right mix to feel like we were truly communicating and reconnected - totally recovered. I thought things were wonderful....

Fast forward 10 years....On Jan 14, 06, my H was about 2 hours away taking our youngest to an NBA game. My computer was crashing from virus. I called him and said I need to restore, were there any files in his folder he needed me to keep? He said no - while I was scrolling, I came across a word file called "my love" - while I was on the phone with him! That is the pet name he has always called me. I thought it was a poem he was composing so I opened it. It was beautiful, but not meant for me! Called him on it right then and there. He said he would call me back as soon as he got some privacy (youngest in the car). I was devastated, started searching his work laptop and found other evidence, emails, pictures, etc. I was sick.

We talked twice that night and he disclosed - different OW. This time he searched out his "first girlfriend" from 7th grade!. I had gotten busy, doing text editing on the side to get us out of some debt - working about 70 hrs a week total. He told me he felt "lonely", but I told him to hang in there, the assignment would be done in December. Anyway, on D-night he didn't come home, stayed with his sister up north. By 6 AM I was on the floor in a fetal position - called my sister and his other sister nearby. Needed comfort. Saw my physician two days later and put me on Xanax to get over the shock. Helped alot!

Anyway - he also said this was an EA - then backtracked to say only OS, then I finally caught him in another lie and he confessed to full intercourse (w/ both affairs). Found out from his friends after this last discovery that, at least on one other occasion, there has been inappropriate behavior out of him during guys fishing trips - groping and kissing another woman at a bar.

So, now my youngest is 16 and almost done with school and I have a huge decision to make. Only this time it's much easier to see clearly. I have a good, secure full-time job. We're seeing separate ICs and I met with his last week. Basically said he had huge issues to overcome - his family doesn't ever engage in anything confrontational. Everything is always perfect. I don't think H quite sees it. Valentines day didn't go well - put his needs first like he always has. Tried to talk with him some last night, but I think he is disappointed in me for telling family and best friend. Now we feel isolated because people are leaving us alone. Best friends are extremely angry w/H, my family doesn't understand. Spend the weekend evenings in front of the TV. Our home phone doesn't ring, but I get supporting calls on the cell from family and friends.

Last time I said I'd give it five years - this time I'm giving it one year. But it's time that he do the work of repair. He has to repair himself. I didn't ask for this work - I wasn't consulted or notified. The enneagram that stillwed is an expert on has helped see where we are both coming from, and MB with POJA, POTH, and needs are good, but deep down, my WS is injured and that has to heal. If he is willing to do that hard work, I might stay. If not, I can't continue.

I'm glad I gave it this last 10 years - my two oldest boys are on full academic college scholarships, the youngest is a caring, responsible young man. If I got out 10 years ago, I feel I would be much better off, but my kids would have suffered a lifetime.

So...hang in there - focus on your kids, and make good, solid, careful decisions about what you want out of life. It's time for you and your kids. Disclosure? I don't know - in my case, I think I needed validation. I think his family sees me as "the problem". Interesting, considering that his brother's wife was discovered running around and she's a "slut". Anyway, disclosure has hurt us by isolating us. We're still trying and working - sleep in the same bed, even sex (yes, I made sure STD-free prior). But it's awfully lonely. And he is blaming me for that....said everyone didn't have to know. But there's nothing I can do about that now. And frankly, it's a consequence of his behavior.

Take care and let us know how it's going.

Hugs from me

Post deleted by friend4life

Hi LiR ~ sorry to see you back. I remember you.

Personally, I would snoop. I can understand the need to postpone filing, I did the same when I was pregnant and couldn't deal with my physical problems and a divorce at the same time. Even though I had decided to file, I kept snooping, not because I was trying to save my marriage but because I needed to know what he was doing in order to protect myself.

My obligation to my children's security - emotionally, physically and financially - always comes first.

LIR,

I remember you too....and am sorry to see you back under these circumstances. If you wanted to save your marriage.....I would suggest an immediate Plan B with very extensive conditions for reconciliation that reflect the serial nature of his abuse. You say you are done....but also mention it would be better to be in a real Plan B (marriage saving strategy)....so that's a little confusing. If you are really done....and that's certainly a decision I can support....then the timing is really never going to be right....so if you have enough lead time for the exam preps....I'd do it now since there are no guarantees that things won't get worse and you'll be forced to separate even CLOSER to the exams.....especially if he's been explosive and abusive. Are you talking about the 11-plus exam? Yeah....that's a tough time to make changes!

I also remember you too. I was going thru a very very bad at same time you did my friend.

What to do...what to do.

Orchid has said some really key stuff.

I'd kinda like to build on it though.

Lemme see...you did not full recovery...which means it's back to drawing board.

During this recon time, I'd go back to plan
A. Do FULL BLOWN PLAN A. But since this is the THIRD TIME...I would not do a very long one. Maybe 2 mos. at best...

I'd make a real and true effort to meet his EN's....MEMORIZE CARROT AND STICK OF PLAN A. Do it!

and part of A is to expose. I'd find out who this OW is and expose her. Expose to the high heavens. Do it soon. And after the sky high exposure, I'd do maybe 3 more weeks of a great plan A...really let WH see you're trying to meet his EN's...and then

time to cut the switch.

Dark.

He goes.

Out the door. If he has not been repentant and it's fully documented that he is still adulterous, then that's fine. I'd do a very hard plan B. Let this man see that you're not playing games. You remain kind, sweet, but tough in resolve.

Learn plan B...relearn it and do it well!

Notes: B/c i was married to a serial cheater, I learned that anything short of 100 percent committment and NC and resolve to go to counseling, work tirelessly on the marriage, will result in failed recovery.

He has to WANT IT. And he has to see the CLEAR CUT DISTINCTION THAT EXISTS between HIS MISTRESS and his WIFE AND KIDS. Draw the line in the sand for him. DRAW THE LINE CLEARLY.

That means it's either the ow or his FAMILY.

Make it powerful.

You can do this.

Don't give up. Give this the best shot and then eight weeks from now, let's reconvene on the divorce talks

You see Ladyinred, I KNOW I DID ALL I COULD DO IN MY HEART 10000 PERCENT FOR MY M. That there was nothing left for me to do...and I relinquished my then H to my Creator and continued forward with my divorce.

I don't wish divorce on anybody. It's not kind. It's the complete opposite of love. And it's funny how a wS can believe that a "family" just goes thru growing pains and changes thru a divorce. Not so. It divides a family forever.

My wh doesn't "get it". But he is seeing a bit more clearly since spring of 2005. But it is too late for my heart anymore. The OC is almost 2 now. And I will not ever be an accomplice to anything that would hurt a child.

He married ow...three days after our D was final as she put tons of pressure on him...and was very pregnant. Seven months. Sadly, they had a COMBINATION wedding and baby shower. What geniuses huh? Not what I'd call in any way romantic. No honeymoon. Nothing. XH just jumped outta fire into a hotter frying pan. They have both strayed. He has never been faithful to his affair wife at all. It's like watching from afar (and I stay afar ok?) a very slow train wreck nearing closer and inching day by day to another train...both going to explode when it happens.

You have one more chance. Do this for your kids. Do it for what love you had for your WS ..remember when you first met him...and do it b/c God hates divorce.

Be able to say either that you recovered nicely and your family is on track to healing or that you have the cleanest conscience because you tried all you could do.

can you say that now?

we're pulling for you.

Again, let's do this and reevaluate legalities in about 2 months.

Post deleted by friend4life

F4L,

One of the first things my H's IC said to him (we went jointly first time, now separate) ...."Would you raise your kids in the home environment that you were raised in?" My H said, without hesitation..."absolutely not!"

I was floored. His M&D are always civil, polite, and nice. Five children - all have good jobs, educated - good-looking too. But there is no intimacy in that family - I noticed it when I was 22 and just met them. No hugs, no anger, no arguments, no discussion of anything that could be confrontational. My family is the complete opposite! Man, if you do something that bothers another - you hear about it! But at least you know where you stand and how to deal with opinions different than your own. Guys learn how to be men from their Dads.

It sounds like an excuse, but I have to hold on to the last hope I have of saving this union. WH has to figure out why he can't be truly intimate with me or anybody else. Affairs are about weaknesses in the WS. His IC saw me separately last week - the intent was to go together but I started crying - the hurt came out again, and he wanted to talk to me alone. IC said..."this isn't about you - it's about him. Affairs aren't about how much you did or didn't do, they are a reflection of WS's injury and lack of respect for boundaries".

Sounds like you are still on the fence. Read stillwed's signature - if they can make it - anyone can! It's about marriage, love, life, future and family. It doesn't get any more complicated than that. If you can help your H see his injury and he is willing to give at least two years of intense therapy to overcome his intimacy issues, then it might be worth it in the long haul. But if he can't see himself as the problem, then hang on, get your kids settled, and D the guy.

Love to you and your family

It's hard to know what to say.

I would like to greet you, encourage you, and have you know that life can still be good. I know that is true.... Life can still be good.

It is so heart wrenching to have you back under these conditions. I was hoping you would come back one of these days and tell us things were wonderful.

Greetings, welcome. Welcome once again to a place where you have friends who care about you.

What are you looking for LIR?
How can we best help?

There are many reasons people come here.
Do you understand what you need the most?

SS

Ladyinred..

Blessing to you and your family....

If I were you...
and your husband was mine...

here is the question that I would as him...

In your mind...
what is the type of marriage you envision having with me...
what does a marriage to me look like to you....

start there...
small questions

see what he says...

ARK

LIR:

Sorry 2 see you back under these circumstances.

What 2 do?

Obviously, your choice. But I think exposure 2 family is in order. How could your H be upset by the truth being told?

I don't know whether you need 2 snoop or not. That's got 2 be your choice. But again, the truth being known can't hurt anyone, can it?

Consider the choices you're making for you, and how the consequences of those choices are affecting you. In effect, you're supporting your H's secrecy by not exposing 2 family. I understand the motivation (not giving the school fodder for their case, perhaps), but please consider the ramifications 2 your own mental and even physical health.

I sure know about how my own choices have affected me over the past 4 years. Much of the time, not good. Lately, better though.

-ol' 2long

Post deleted by friend4life

praying for ya. if you email any mb oldies (think orchid, lemonman, lost husband) you can email me by asking them for it...i just don't post it here.

I just found out today that this is you, LIR, posting under a different name. I've missed you and often wondered how you were doing. I am sorry you are back under these circumstances.

I think your insight about how you didn't start your recovery with all the boundaries secure and your H not really being on the same page was right on. He still didn't completely 'get it' and the clue is the belief that he still felt entitled to privacy and his rejection of all things MB.

I just heard Dr. Willard Harley on the radio last week restating that he believes that privacy has not place in a marriage (he has a better way of putting it). He is now on with his wife, Joyce, every weekday afternoon from 3pm to 6pm CST, You can listen on the internet, if you are so inclined. Top of the page "Marriage Talk Radio" button.

My H has had 3 A's in our marriage that I am aware of. There were many years (9 or 10) between the first and the second, but 4 yrs between the 2nd and 3rd. (he actually befriended her a couple of years after his longest and most serious A ended but didn't see her again until she called him a couple of years after that) I also thought we were done. I believe he really grasped the concepts after the last A and we've been in real recovery since very early in 2003. We attended the MB weekend Mar. '03 and did the followup.

I understand if you feel like you are done with your marriage. I do think it is only possible to recover if he were to totally commit to do the necessary work on himself, his boundaries, and his marriage. At this point, he seems clueless that he even has to do anything. If your going to stay there for the time being anyway...you just may want to try the MB plans one last time and see if you can cut through the fog. I understand if you don't want to.

I hope he will agree to speak with the priest sometime after your next meeting with him. Maybe he can be of some help to him. I know he already said he didn't want to speak with the priest before...but maybe he would change his mind.