Hi, folks, I am a lurker for a while, and finally decided to try talking about my problems instead of trying to suffer in silence.

I guess I could go into some background, but I don't know if I am ready, yet. I thought maybe I could give you a sense of it with a piece I wrote that I think will resonate with a lot of folks here. I hope posting a poem isn't out of line. I didn't see any rules against it, but if it's out of place, just let me know and I will pull it.

I think this might speak to some folks here.

"Time Machine"

I am Morlok.
I tend the machines and call forth the energies
That others cannot fathom.

My back is stooped
From a lifetime in low tunnels,
Carrying others' burdens.

My skin is pale
For I have rarely seen the sun
And then, only in dreams.

My body is malformed
Because I focused on things other than flesh
And there was not enough time.

My face is worn and lined
From endless hours of labor and worry
That I should work harder.

My words are sharp and pointy
Because there was no time to learn diplomacy
And still learn the machines.

In the dark places beneath the Eloi,
Where shadows run together like water as they sleep,
I labored to bring life.

The hum of the engines
Was the tune of the song I sang to myself,
Words they would not understand.

Once I loved a girl
Who dwelled in light that burned my eyes.
Her name was Weena.

I gave her food and shelter,
Medicine, comfort, devotion, and love,
As best I could.

But I was still Morlok.
My words still sharp, my body still twisted and pale,
My back still hunched.

Perhaps she had nothing better
And so she said she loved me and settled
For a creature she despised.

For long years I was fooled.
I did not fully understand her language, that her gentle words to me
Signified hatred and rage amongst the Eloi.

I labored on,
Far from home, bringing the food, tending the machines, unable to see the truth,
For I was blinded by the sunlight.

And then came the time traveler,
With smooth words and body, soft, lineless hands
And charm that I could not match.

She spent more time with him,
Listening with rapt attention, and at first, I thought it was good
That she had a friend.

Sometimes I was lonely,
And she had no time for me because of the time traveler, but I thought
She would remember me soon.

But she never did.
And when I spoke in my sharp, Morlok tongue of my loneliness,
It only made her long for him more.

And so I went on,
Listening to the engines, my singing troubled but still strong,
A callow fool.

Until one dark, moonless night,
I was able to open my eyes and see them together, close, laughing,
And I crept upon them to listen.

He said I was a hideous monster,
That I would devour her, and that she must flee me to save herself
Before it was too late.

I knew he was treacherous,
And I knew my Weena would call him a liar, for I had given her my life.
She would not believe!

But she did.
She thanked him, and told him that she loved him, and that she must find a way
To be rid of me.

I crawled away in silence,
My knees too weak to hold my hulking, hideous frame
And crept back into the earth.

Many nights, I called out to her
But the time traveler had turned her heart against me, turned it to stone,
And she did not believe in me any more.

All that I could say to her,
She twisted, and claimed it was manipulation and clever attempts to control her,
To steal her will from her.

How could she forget I was Morlok?
That I did not have the words or the skill to do such things?
Such deception was Eloi art.

If I had not the skill
To show her my love when it was true, how could I have the talent
To trick her if it was not?

But the Eloi do not love logic,
Or counting, or machines, or the hum of engines in harmony, or sharp words,
Or Morloks telling them they are wrong.

They love passion and pleasure,
Emotion and artifice, form without function, love laced with lies,
Beauty without truth.

And so I returned to my tunnels,
Desolate, alone, the memories of the warmth of the sun burning my soul
As I descended into darkness.

If I only I, too, had a time machine,
I would change my past so much that no one would recognize me
Or know I was ever a Morlok.

I would be an Eloi.
I would unmake this hateful thing that God has made me, and be someone else,
Someone Weena would love.

But even I cannot make such a machine.
I am condemned to be this hateful thing that God has made me, a hideous Morlok
Who knows only sharp words.

I rock back and forth in sorrow,
Keening in the dark, liquid shadows pooling in the glow of lichens,
Whispering her name.

But she does not hear me.
I lay upon the cold ground in silence, with no words for my pain, and dream
That I am a time traveler, too.

If only I were a time traveler,
I could right the wrongs, find the words, understand the Eloi
And Weena could love me for what I am.

For I know now
That no matter how hard she tried, she could never love a Morlok.
And she never did.

wow!

Double WOW!

Nails a BSs feelings and the treatment we recieve at the WSs hands!

Grendel,

We hope that you will come out from the earth and talk with the rest of us Morlork's. We are all here, learning to come out into the sunlight and see ourselves as Gods creation. The time traveler might have fancy words and pretty skin, but it is fleeting. It is only what is on the inside that remains.
Please come and tell us your tale of sorrow and woe. We will not laugh, nor will we snicker. We will weep tears of sorrow with you and bring you along in our journey to find the sunlight. Our journey to find the best in each of us and a new life in the light, not in the shadows of hurt and sorrow.
Please come.

Wonderful post katie.....

Grendel we are all here for you and to help you. We know the pain of this and want nothing more than to help and give you some safe place to vent, cry and be angry.

Let us help you and be there for you...

Hurting

Whew. Wish I'd written that!

Wow, your poem brought me to tears....and I'm a English major.

It's exactly how I felt at the time of my husbands affair, and I times I still feel like Morlok 2 years later....

We're here....when your ready....even us resident lurkers

Rachel

Grendel,

I noticed you posted at 3am...do you only come out at night? Do you lurk about in the wee hours?
Come out and talk to us....

Well, thanks for the kind words, folks. I guess I should tell my tale, and I'll try to keep it as brief as I can. But any way you slice it, this is a novel.

Me 38 (29 next month), her 30. Been married almost ten years, would be ten years end of June. I am a former military man, and currently a programmer. I'm boisterous, a little hard headed at times (but mostly because my experience has shown me to trust my own judgement), and fairly logical. And my wife hates me for it, though I have never been any different, really.

My work is unstable, so we end up moving around a lot. We had no choice most of the time, but you know, she tells me I drug her around, and didn't vare what she thought, though as I remember it, every time, we discussed things and knew it was move or go hungry.

She says I didn't pay her enough attention. As I recall, I told her I loved her at least once a day, at bedtime, and almost every day I gave her a hug and a kiss. And I tried to include her, I never went out and left her behind, though a few years into the marriage, she seemed to stop enjoying the same things we used to do.

This was about 4 years in. We were having some problems. We were both working high stress long hour jobs, but added to that, she was working with a younger crowd of people, a lot of single people, and I didn't like the affect it was having on her. It seemed that she wanted to live the single life again. There were issues of her making constant excuses to ditch on plans we had with other couples we knew. She began to go dark at times, not answering her cell for hours. She would pick fights and then disappear for hours on the weekend and not answer her phone. She began going out with friends from work when I was not able to join. Sometimes she said it was a 'girl thing' and I couldn't come. On several occasions, she came in after 2am with high schoolish excuses like "We had a flat tire", etc. Naturally, I asked if something was going on, but she denied it. Later, I found a pair of men's underwear in the car. Her brother's, she swore.

Well, it kept getting worse, lots of big fights. She started getting all secretive about her activities on the computer, closing windows as I came up to give her a hug, etc. Fog talk like crazy. I finally went in and dug out all the IM's she had, originally though she was having an EA with one guy, and she let me believe that. But I am a programmer, and I know when there is a bug in the system. I feel it. So I dug more, and found out about the PA with another guy. In my house.

It was a tough deal, but I saw my fault in it. I had withdrawn because of my suspicions, and started playing Everquest way too much. She blamed that, saying I didn't pay her enough attention. Me, I still wonder about those underwear, which she swears even now were her brother's. Maybe it was a third guy.

We reconciled. I wanted very much to leave the area. OM was still around. He was really afraid of me, thought I might kill him (I wouldn't have, but I didn't mind him thinking that one bit.) Plus, the people who enabled the affair were still around. I wanted to move back to GA, where I had been raised.

We bought a home there in 2003, supposedly to raise our children. We couldn't live there right then, but I was trying to fix it so we could. In Feb 2004, we did move there. She swore she wanted it.

In Mar 2004, my father came begging for help with his drug problem. Long, sordid story, but at the end of March, he put a gun to his head and ended things permanenently.

As the eldest son, I had to be strong, had to assume his mantle, and so I did, to bring my sister and Mother through this. My brother was ok on his own, I guess. Tough to say, he's still angry about it.

In Sep 2004, I was laid off from my job, and I was really afraid of losing all we had worked for. I guess I was distant during this time, irritable, stressed out. I had been stressed out for years. Basically, I had not had a year pass since her affair where I didn't have some crisis to handle, a whole new set of circumstances to shoulder.

Got a new job working from remote. In Nov 2005, we bought a couple of copies of World of Warcraft, figuring we would kind of obsess over the game, quit smoking, and save money, and also spend time with each other in game.

Didn't turn out that way. She very quickly found a reason not to actually play with me, and went off on her own. Fine, I figured as long as she was happy, I'd roll with that.

She got in hot and heavy with a guild there, really tight, a 'raiding guild' which for those who don't know, tend to be really time intensive and require a crapload of coordination. She was spending all kinds of time on the phone and on the net with these people. It got to the point where she just wouldn't do anything much of the time. She neglected the house, doing the bare minimum. She didn't have time to watch the shows we watched regularly. She couldn't be bothered to stop playing to do our sunday night rides we always took. Dinner from a restaraunt was always good, but it was always take out.

I warned her how you could get sucked in, and reminded her how she said the same thing about me when I was playing too much EQ, and how she had justified an affair over it. She shrugged it off. I think she hated me for 'lecturing' her.

A friend of mine from childhood came up to live with us a while, as he was a carpenter and helping fix some things about the house. I let the situation with my wife and the game go on a long time, reasoning that it made her happy, and I could hang out with my pal, all was ok, maybe not great, but I could live with it.

But I really needed her to do her share of the work, i.e. keep the house. She distained it, but I was working eight hours a day, and I felt she should, too. It wasn't fair, it wasn't a partnership. We fought often over this.

Well, around March of 2005, I end up getting called back to CA for a while to help with finalizing our product. She continued to obsess over the game, ignoring her oldest and best friend, even, when she was 'raiding'. I ended up talking with her friend a lot. Big mistake. She eventually accused me of wanting this friend and not wanting her. This despite the fact that said friend had come to our house years before and outright propositioned me and I turned her down.

So in Arpil, I get the first of the 1000$ plus cell phone bills. And stupid me, I still hadn't figured it out. I was furious that she was running up the bill for the _game_. I didn't realize it was because of someone she was playing the game with. She countered with the complaint that she was not getting enough sex from me. She has often complained of this to a greater or lesser degree, but she refused to acknowledge that she did things to damage my feelings of intimacy, and worse, I was usually exhausted, stressed out, and lived in a 3500 suqare fot pig sty. More to the point, if I had known what was going on, I could have told her right then that her being in love with someone else probably did a lot to erect a barrier between us. Of course, I didn't know, so I couldn't explain. She said it must be because I thought she was ugly, and I really wanted her friend instead of her.

Before I go on, I should say something else, too. After her affair, we had dabbled some in 'alternate lifestyles'. That means swinging, but only with a very select few friends, it was not 'open season'. And we had even played around with her friend, too. I (and I think she) felt that if I were honest with myself, and could forgive her affair, the truth was that the sex was not the real violation: what I felt violated by was her throwing me under the bus to justify it. She also confessed to me after the affair that she was bisexual, a fact she had hidden from me for years. So our 'alternate lifestyles' also allowed her to feel fulfilled in that area from time to time.

I say this to let you understand that we were not jealous people, and that emotional bonds were the heart and soul of our comittement to one another. I am sure someone will suggest this may have contributed to our problems, but as far as I know, this is not the case. In fact, one of my chief points of anger with what happened next is that she had alternatives if it were a case of wanting sex, and she did not avail herself of them.

Fast forward to October. I had again been laid off, and we moved back to CA and rented an apartment. My wife had become incredibly distant now, but she did get a job, something she had not had in a long time, and I thought it would help her with her self esteem. But she became even more hostile and distant. She began spending lots of money on her appearance, etc.

Finally, Dec 7 05, D-Day 2. I had become increasingly suspicious. I had let things go on far too long, thinking that I was simply paranoid from the last time, and no way would she do something like this again. I got into her mail and found them, hundreds of emails with this guy from her guild. It's the same old story, it started with her telling him we had our problems but I was basically a good guy, and ended with him telling her I was a pathetic 400 pound loser who was destroying her life and that she had to get out. And she agreed, toild him she loved him so much, and she was just trying to find a way to leave with some honor.

Honor. How hollow that word rings, here.

I left my ring on her keyboard, packed a small bag, and went to a hotel to try to sort things out. She kept trying to call me, leaving messages saying how sorry she was, but this was killing her, she had to go or she would kill herself, and how it had nothing to do with this guy, it was all her. She left and went to stay with her mom, who lives locally.

Since then, it's been a dark time. I have spent most of the time since then alone, far from my own family, and without any real friends to speak of.

There is actually a lot more to the story, but this is enough for now. Maybe later I will do more.

Go home. the BS should never leave. Read the articles on this site and in 'surviving an affair" regarding plan A.

Your situation is rescuable.

In case it helps Click here for some useful stuff

Well, perhaps I left off at the wrong spot, or I wasn't clear. I didn't leave. Well, I did, but for one night, during which time she moved out and went to her mom's.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to finish the story.

For a week or so, I was very angry. I told her I didn't want to discuss reconciliation, that i was over. She had betrayed me again and now abandoned me, and I couldn't see it ever being right again. But as we all know, there are high emotions at the start.

For the next week or so, I drank too much and talked with some friends who had also been where I am. They were heavily invested in the 'divoorce at the first sign', 'you should have never taken her back before', etc. I also looked around on the net, and found MB.

As Christmas approached, I tried to find a place in my heart to forgive. I called her, and tried to convince her that we could work things out. She was noncomittal. She was very foggy, claiming that this was her decision, something she had to do for herself, and the OM had nothing to do with it, he was just a friend. She was very adamant that I accept this version of things. However, having lived through this with her once before, and also having done much research here, I was simply not going to accept this tale. She left because she did not want to face the consequences of her actions, and because she wanted to maintain her contact with OM. All else was rationalization for these simple facts.

I did not do a very good plan A. With her being gone, it was difficult enough, but her repeated lies and her twisting of our history were enough to try the patience of a saint, much less a far from perfect man like me. I made DJ's and LB's. She said I was a cold, cruel person who had ignored her our entire marriage. I told her she was a cheater, a liar, and a traitor, and whatever my faults, I had never betrayed her or left the table. These things are true. They were also not useful to say.

We at last came to the agreement that she would come here on the weekends, and live with her mother during the week, as her job is near her mother's house. I thought this was progress.

During the time leading up to Christmas, she had begun spending a lot of time with an old friend, a guy who has been friends to both of us for years. She has known him since high school, and he has always been a good, solid friend to both of us. So I saw nothing untoward in the fact that she was spending more time with him. He lives near her mother's, and it made sense that she needed support.

My wife decided to stop playing Warcraft about this time, I supose to prove it was not a problem after all. And at this point, she began to spend much more time with our old friend. She was supposed to spend Christamas Eve with me. She came over, but repeatedly mentioned how she couldn't stay, because she was supposed to meet this friend. I thought at the time that this was odd. She called him several times from here, saying, "Oh, I'm still coming." She left here around 2am, intending to make that meeting.

She was supposed to come back the next day. She spent most of it with family, and at last called me around ten in the evening, suggesting that perhaps she would come tomorrow instead. But she said she had made aplate of food for me, so I said why not bring it, I could do with dinner. I later discovered that she immediately called this friend of ours right after talking with me. A small thing, to be sure. But there is much more.

New Years Eve, she begged off, and apparently was home, and our friend was here. She came down New Years day. She said she felt tired and took a nap, during which time the friend called her cell phone. I did not answer, but called him back on my phone and told him she was here, asleep. He seemed very shocked, and was momentarily speechless, stammerring "Oh, I didn't think she would be there." And I began to wonder.

Over the course of the next month, things became more and more strainge and strained. She would come here, but then not stay the whole weekend. I would see that right after she left, each time she placed calls to someone. I began keeping a journal of events, because I only get the cell phone records once a month. But I notice strange things, nonetheless. I notice that when I call, she often does not answer. I call him, he doesn't answer either. Much later, one or the other calls me back. Sometimes, they tell me they were together. Sometimes, they tell me not. The friend is a poor liar. He is very nervous and stuttering when I call him. He doesn't feel like he is much my friend anymore. He constantly mentiones how there is nothing going on between them, how he hopes I don't think so or want to kick his [censored] or anything. Protest much?

During this time, there were several times my wife and I would be going out to dinner, and at the last minute, this friend suddenly became part of the deal. I was aware they were spending much more time together, as well.

I also learn that they are spending several nights a week together, alone, having dinner at nice restaraunts.

Near beginning of Feb, things came to a head between me and my wife. She came down on a friday. The next day, she says she wants to go to the drugstore, and is reluctant for me to join her. I end up not going. The plan, supposedly, was that our friend was bringing a movie by for us to watch that evening and we would all hang out. It came to my attention during the movie that she would be leaving after it was over. I was suspicious. As she packed her things to leave, she placed a small bag on the couch. Thinking little of it, and wondering what the bag was, I openened it, and was shocked to discover it was an overnight bag complete with everything from toothpaste to a row of condoms.

I waited until our friend left, and confronted her. She claimed she had bought them for us, because she was worried about getting pregnant. And yet, she had not discussed this with me at all. And why did she need an overnight bag? If they were for us, she would just leave those things here. And why did she need to go to the drug store so urgently? She knew she was leaving that night, and that our friend would be there, so there would be no opportunity to use them. Not with me, at least.

During the discussion, our friend called several times. He was expecting her to already have left, I presume. He offered the excuse that he thought he had left his DVD.

After she left, I called our friend, still not really thinking he was a problem, but nervous. The ringer on the phone beeped, indicating that he had someone on the other line when I called. He answered, and I aksed him if he needed to go, since he was tlaking to someone else. He said it was this other girl he knew that he was trying to date, a specific person, but I won't give her name. I talked with him about how upset I was, and asked if she had mentioned the condoms to him. He said no. I asked him not to say anything and see if she brought it up.

Things go on for a few days, until I finally get the cell phone bill. And here I see that he lied to me. He was talking to my wife when I called. And right after I hung up, he called her back and talked for almost an hour.

I begin to go through the phone bills. There are a few calls to the guy in her guild, but that have dropped off. (And she had told me she hadn't talked to him in weeks, but when I confronted her she weasled and said she actually said "What would you say if I told you I hand't talked to him in weeks?") But what I see here is worse. HUNDREDS of calls between her and our friend. Every day, him inititing many of not most, many conversations lasting for many minutes, in addition to the time they have at work and the fact that they are going out to dinner one on one several nights a week.

I dig deeper. I compare phone calls, origination points, and times to my journal. I compare receipts I have acquired. And I see that have lied to me numerous times about being together.

In fact, they are behaving as love sick fools.

I called our friend and asked him to meet me for a drink, and he agreed. Ten minutes later, he called back and said he was tired and needed to study for a test the next day. (He is going to college late in life.) He was, again, very nervous. I decided to go ahead and go anyway. I called him when I got to his place and said, "Hey, I figured I'd come on by and give you another chance, I'd like to talk with you about some stuff anyway." He told me to hang on and he would coe outside. I waited a few then went to his door and knocked. He opened it, I went in and asked to use the restroom. He seemed very nervous. I noticed that his bedroom door was closed, something I have never seen when I have visted before. I chalked it up to paranoia. Surely should wasn't there? He said he had been at home all night, studying.

We went for a beer, and I confronted him about lying to me about who he was talking to. He said he felt bad, but he didn't want to be grilled, and that was what I was turning every conversation with him into. I felt bad at that point, and said I understood, that perhaps I had not been understanding of his position. I am such a fool!

We talked for a long time, he urging me to move an and divorce my wife, that she was clearly messing me up, and that she was happy being apart from me, and how he hated to tell me because it probably hurt. I told him if I was just sure she had again had a PA, I would feel I had done my duty and I could let it go. I asked him point blank if there was anything going on between them. He swears not. I leave feeling as if I have been foolish, and that he is truly my friend.

That weekend, my wife writes me a very hateful letter, saying I have been 'talking ******' about her. She brings up several very specific comments that I made to our friend, things I said when I was near tears and believing that I was being counseled by someone who cared about me.

I had to borrow the truck a few days later, as I had to move some things and I have a sports car. I swapped vehicles with my wife, and just on gut feel, I searched thhrough the receipts I found when I was cleaning it out.

Found a credit card receipt from my 'friend' where he paid >40 bucks for dinner at a nice restaraunt. It was hours before I spoke with him that night. He was with her, and he lied to me about it, and it looks like he sprung for her share, too.

So basically, all the people in my life that I trusted have been lying to me, working at the edges of my world, undermining my marriage.

I have tried a few more times to get my wife to simply tell me the truth, but it is no use. She is too invested in the lie at this point. If she backs off now, she has to admit to herself what horrible things she has done, and I don't think she feels able to accept that. She becomes furious at the notion that I believe she has allowed herself to be influence by her internet EA and her real life EA (and possibly PA on both counts, as the internet fellow axtually flew out to visit her in GA, I found out later.) She accuses me of telling her that she is stupid, that I am saying she is a brainwashed fool by not accepting her version of events.

"This is why I left you!" she rails. "You're so selfish! It's all about you!" I think if I hear "It's all about you, isn't it?" one more time, my head will explode.

Honestly, I am at the end of my rope. I am not the best looking guy, but I am a fun and cheerful person, and I make good money. I know full well that this nightmare will pass for me, and in a year I might have someone else who would love me and be honest with me again, start making some headway on recovering the years that were torn from me. I am nearly forty, and I have no children. If I don't have some soon, I won't live to see them grow up.

I certainly was not the best husband in the world, but I was mediocre, at least. I feel like I was better than most, but the things she tells me weigh heavy on me sometimes, and make me question my own judgement. And worse, she goes back and forth, contradicts herself, tell me I made her life a living ****** and got what I deserved, that I don't deserve friends, and then later says she never said such a thing.

I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I am slowly coming to realize that I married someone with severe issues that she kept hidden from me for long years, issues that have nothing to do with me. I swore vows before God, and I would never have broken them, but she has at least twice gone outside our marriage, thrown me under the bus, and she is not even remourseful this time. How much does God expect a man to endure? I feel so wrong about ending things, that this is the "worse" I promised to take with the "better". I feel as if she is throwing her life away, that she is in desperate mental anguish, and that now, of all times, she needs me, even if she spits on my attempts to help. But I am losing my grip.

The poem I wrote, I am shamed to say, began as a suicide letter. I never thought I was the kind of person to do that, yet all I have thought of lately has been of how my father must have felt when he took his own life, how lost and alone and hopeless he must have been. I have prayed each night for God to bring some light into my world, to help me remember that life is worth living, and that even being kicked to the curb, fat and middle aged, is not insurmountable.

I know that is some villain beat me down, raped me, and stole my wallet, I would not have the least emotional trauma about it. I wouldn't be confused who the villain was. I wouldn't feel it had any bearing on who and what I am. Why is this so different? Why does the fact that these people were trusted friends make any difference in how I see myself when they have victimized me? I just don't know.

Even as I was writing the letter, I was telling myself it was just therapy, that I wasn't really going to do it. And I guess God heard me and he gave me something else to pour the hurt into. A line at the end of a goodbye world letter turned into that long poem. And then I felt like I had exorcised some of my demons, that putting it down made it somehow more bearable.

And then I came here. So I guess God looks after fools and mad dogs, as they say. I guess I qualify as both.

Grendel - I'm a sucker for a poet. Quite a compelling piece of writing and better than many I've seen published.

Firstly, your life is precious. You have been through so much over the past couple of years. I'm so sorry your dad chose to take his own life and you have had such a burden to carry with this, let alone your wife's A's. But you have found a wonderful place here for support. When you feel low or miserable, no matter what time it is, there is always somebody who can guide you through some dark times. So make the most of this amazing resource you have found.

I will come back to this thread later. I've just got in from work. But one thing jumped out at me - I think it is time to back off from your wife. She's your obsession at the moment and I think she needs to see that you can manage very well without you. If your body is bothering you, (I know the feeling) sign up for a gym, get out to the park. Anything - it will be for you and make a difference to how you feel about yourself. I don't want to disrespect your wife, but I think she is currently playing you for a trusting fool. My WH did the same so I understand the insult. You have a lot to deal with at the moment. Take care. TT

Grendal,

Thank you for being so honest with your story. I know this is a marriage building site, but I am not sure if there's much left to rebuild your marriage. You can't change your wife, because it seems she's perfectly comfortable (and has been) taking advantage of you for many years.

We are all human, susceptible to error and inconsistencies, capable of hurting the people we love and even ourselves. This doesn't mean we deserve to be lied to, used, cheated on, and manipulated repeatedly.

I think this is a good time for you to do the things you've always wanted to do for yourself. Distance yourself....Plan B.

This person you have loved and exchanged vows with, hasn't lived up to her side of the bargain, and it sounds from your posts you are really drained.

One observation before I go.... Start keeping a journal for your journey though this pain; keeping track of evidence at this point is fueling and prolonging your recovery. You know the truth.

Rachel

Hi grendel,

Welcome to MB. Your pain is palpable, and I'm so sorry for what you have endured that has brought you here.

It saddens me to see you identifying so strongly both with Grendel and the Morlocks (although I'm "Patient Griselda," so that's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black). I don't know why affairs take such a toll on BS self-esteem, but they do.

I don't know what to suggest about your wife - the situation is fixable, as bobpure notes, but you may not wish to do so. It would be good to get some individual counselling as well - keep journalling and posting, but also speak to someone who might help guide you through your personal healing.

Blessings,

G

g-g-g-g-geez! Your rivers run deep, my friend.

I guess I identify with Grendel because I truly feel like an ogre, and I feel like Grendel felt much like I do. Grendel was evil, of course, destructive, violent, and I am not those things, but Grendel was also very alone, confused, guilty, isolated, and bitter.

As Grendel lay bleeding to death, surrounded by the animals he thought of as enemies, he said, "Poor Grendel's had an accident. So may you all." I have often wondered if he was speaking a warning or a curse. I guess it's both, really.