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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 163
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OP
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 163 |
OK, OK, I am trying to let go. It is very difficult for me. The best way I can describe it is that it is so difficult for me because I KNOW it doesn’t have to be.
I know that I am remorseful for what I have done to hurt stbxw. I know that I am committed to addressing my issues and correcting them. I know that I do love her. I KNOW that she still has feelings for me. I know that I love my kids and am willing to do ANYTHING to keep their family intact. I KNOW that if we approached reconciliation again in a committed and spiritually focused approach that we could build a happy, loving marriage and family.
But she says I don’t show true remorse. She says I act cocky and arrogant. But she is mis-reading me. When she calls being cocky and arrogant is me trying to put on a happy face and cope.
It is devastating to me to see her throw everything away based upon her belief that I am not changing, won’t change, things won’t be different, etc…. When I KNOW that this belief is WRONG. And the more I try to get her to see that her belief is mistaken, the more she digs her heels in for a divorce.
18yrs together, first and only loves, best friends, 3 kids….. I just cannot let go and accept the D when I know all of that is being thrown away on a mistaken belief.
But the D is underway, the clock is ticking. And the tick-tock is driving me nuts.
Me (XBH): 39
Kids: 13yoS, 11yoS, 6yoD
"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time."
-GOOD RIDDANCE!
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 144
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 144 |
Tired Dad,
I feel you pain and I believe you. My husband would be saying the same thing. He also tries to put on a happy face to cheer me up. I think it backfires because I don't see his pain and therefore don't believe he has much. I just can't believe him and you wife is the same. I don't know what would make me feel any better and your wife doesn't either. Don't make her try to understand your view on this, try to understand hers. Empathize, put yourself in her shoes. If she lets you back into her heart, she is afraid you will betray her again and she wouldn't survive it a second time. She is protecting her sanity.
Everytime I decide my husband must leave or a divorce is the only answer, he digs in and just refuses to give up. At those moments (and I have a lot of those moments)he will do
anything to help. HOld me, cry, plead,beg and show real emotion and remorse. I don't trust him yet, but I haven't given up and hope to have a stable marriage one day.
It doesn't help to defend yourself or minimize what happened. It doesn't help to say she's taking this too
hard. What helps is to be truly remorseful all the time for as long as it takes. Let her cry and rant and rave at you for as long as it takes. Don't get mad or frustrated. Say again and again and again you're sorry and it will never happen again (I mean hundreds or thousands of times) If you can't do that or don't want to live your life that way for a few years, then give up. If you really love her and she still loves you there may be hope.
BW--Married 35 years, 3 children, mostly grown. business owner and very busy.
D Day November 5,2005
FWH -55 yrs old , PA in July & August 2005
NC since Aug. Admitted to several other brief A's going back 20 years.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 957
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 957 |
"Never argue with idiots or WSs, They just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 14
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 14 |
The clock is ticking towards the signing of a piece of paper. She will still be in your life afterwards.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 777
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 777 |
Yo, dude.
I know how you feel.
And Light Year is right. Just because a judge signs and orders a dissolution does not change your kids father. It does not change your love for your wife.
In fact - if she sees that even after the paper is signed you continue to change you, and continue to love her - it will sink in. Slowly.
What can you do that she will take notice of? Maybe even talk to her about it.
Be the man she needs. Follow Harley's advice. 30 hours a week of intimate communication.
What can it hurt?
far
foundareason
D: March 2006 (xw - multiple a's)
I have found a NEW REASON!!!!
A Treasure!!
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