Hey, I am new here and just needing a word of encouragment.

I was married for almost 8 years and with the same man for over 11 years. I am 28 years old and have 2 children from the marriage, a five year old and a 3 year old. The marriage became abusive in every way during the last 2 years. I finally had to leave, it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life.

I have been separated for 14 months now and I am doing much better than I was in the beginning. But, there is not a morning that I wake up that my ex husband is not on my mind, there is still not a day that I don't think about my old life, when if ever does that stop.

Seriously, I am a much stronger person today than what I was and I know I did what I had to do, but that does not make it any easier. I know that time is the greatest healer. But, I am just wondering if 5 years from now I am still going to wake up and think about my old house and my old life. Am I going to think of my divorce every day for the rest of my life?

Sara

Hi Sara,

I'm sorry that you have to be here. I can't imagine the trajedy you must have endured with an abusive spouse.

Those feelings will end with time. It took me a couple of years to get over those feelings after my first marriage ended. My XW wanted out of the marriage and I still loved her and wanted to hang on. At the time, I didn't think that my feelings would ever end, but they faded.

Try to keep improving each day, and you will feel good again.

Tired41

Thanks Tired for the reality check. I have a friend here at work who said that he has never gotten over his divorce...that was very upsetting.

Do you think you have to fall in love with someone else to "get over it"?

Hi Cis,

I've been wondering how you are doing. Hope all is well.

I don't think that you have to fall in love with someone else to get over it. In fact, I think that the ability to fall for someone else proves that you are over it. With me, I started feeling better about myself and became happy to be alive again. When I met my STBXW, I was already over the first one, and in fact, when I fell in love with STBX, I completely had no remorse at all about the first marriage. I do know that time will heal a lot of wounds, even the deep ones.

Tired

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can say that yes it will stop and things will get better. I dated my ex for 8 years and was married for 3 then separated for 4. People use to tell me I would feel better and I just thought.. they have no idea how bad I feel. However, with time I really don't miss my ex, I don't miss him cheating, I don't miss him lying, etc. I do miss my life, house, etc. Don't get your LIFE confused with your EX. You can still want to be happily married, in a different house or whatever. That doesn't mean you miss your ex. Don't tie the two together. I miss being married, having a best friend, my house in a neighborhood, etc. However, I don't miss him anymore. You will find the "happy" life you want without someone that treats you like crap.

You are in my prayers. Keep your head up... things will get better and you will feel better.

I don't get my LIFE confused with my STBX. But he was my life. It's hard to seperate the two when they were once the same exact thing. It was wrong of me to ever make him my life I know. I should have never done that. Big mistake. No I have to deal with it.

I am reasonably certain that I am never going to "get over" the divorce. You don't "get over" someone you love. It has been seven years, and I still miss my H and my marriage. I definitely think of him every day, probably dozens of times a day, and he appears in my dreams at least a couple of times a week. Geesh, I still dream about my parents occasionally, and they have been dead for over a quarter of a century.

I was told it took 2 years from the divorce for a person to get back to normal. I doubted it. But, I found that was true. It took almost 1 1/2 years from the divorce (not the separation) for me to start to feel normal. At two years I was pretty much my old self again, except that I was single. At 2 years I was able to accept myself as single and embrace being single, and start to enjoy it.

It takes more time than we would like.

My word. Two years. That's a long time. And it's been seven years for Nellie. i've got a long long road ahead of me.

A divorce( in my opinion) is not something you get over it is something you learn from..When you start thinking of your marriage ask youself why am i thinking of this situation and what should i learn from it ..as you grow and get to know who you are your thoughts wont be as focused on those feelings or him...

I don't even know who I am. My boys and my H was my life. I guess that's what I have to learn. I have to learn to find myself, and to never ever ever ever ever let a man become my life again. I need to be more dependent upon myself, not a man.

There you Go .. That is a start.. Learn to laugh again to be content with yourself ..I know having been in a abusive relationship your self esteem is low...Love you and some how the rest just fall into place

Oh, I wasn't in an abusive relationship at all. Maybe verbally sometimes, but for the most part I guess I got what I deserved. Ofcourse this has continued over the past two years. And he could still give it to me now just as easy has he could then. He is a very angry man. But I took it. I deserved it. Would still take it. If I thought it would help us.

It will get better. I had built my life and put my happiness around my ex. It IS a hard road and took longer than 2 years for me to feel like I have moved forward. I still miss him, our relationship, our house, etc. I think of that all of the time. But finally I can look back and be glad that I am not in a relationship with a man that in the end treated me badly. I deserve better and so do you. It might not seem like it now but you will move foward, be happy and enjoy life again. Give it time and you will heal.

It has been three years since my divorce from my WS. And it still hurts. Not as bad..but it hurts. I don't know if I "built" my life around my spouse, but the reality was that there are only so many hours in the day. By the time I worked all day, I was ready to go home and spend time with my H. It wasn't that I couldn't do other things, but that he was my friend, lover, husband, and that I wanted to spend time with him.

The worst time for me is holidays or special occassions. They're just not that special for me anymore, because I don't have that someone special there for me. I love my children, but it's not their job or ability to fill the gap of a 1 to 1 loving relationship. I miss hugs and kisses. I miss making love. So, no matter how independent and self-sufficient I am, I still can't provide these types of interactions with myself. And, it's like an ache inside.

The last year or two with my WS were terrible, but we had many good years together, and those memories don't just go away. I don't miss the lies, and cheating, and missing money, and finding out he was having an affair with a "woman" 26 years younger than he. I don't miss finding out that the OW was 7 months pregnant when I finally confirmed there was an affair.

I wish to gosh that I could say it doesn't hurt anymore. I wish I could say I don't think of him every day. It does lessen....but not enough......not fast enough. I want him to not matter anymore. Just be "neutral". I guess that we all grieve in our own way and time.

I've been divorced for almost 12 years now, and I am OVER it! We were separated during the last 2 yrs. of our 7 year marriage. So I guess it was just paper that made it official in the end. But it was still hard! Very emotional and dramatic! I was definately co-dependent! But like Newandimproved said, it was all a learning experience, so nothing was lost, only gained!

Itsoonwillend...How in the world would you ever have deserved any kind of abuse, whether it was only verbal or not? That kind of statement frightens me for you. I hope you don't really believe that! Sometimes, words cut deeper than anything physical!! Please, don't base your life on this one person, who you feel defines you as a human!!

Heartmending...I remember your pain. Holidays, special occasions, everything. You feel like nothing will ever be the same again! And the part where you said the OW was 7 months pregnant when you finally confirmed...well, I think my X had one at the same time I was pregnant with my 3rd. And GET THIS, it was his first wife's SISTER! This was 17 years ago, and it never was ever really confirmed or resolved. No...I don't miss this crap, I'm now FREE from it!

So Sara8, if some of us can get over this kind of junk in the trunk, then this will seem like nothing, 5 years down the road. We all adjust in our own ways, in our own time, but there IS hope, and it WILL happen, and you won't be sorry when the day comes, that you realize that you are free and in control of your OWN life!! Hang tough!! It gets better as you go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Im wondering whether the pain will ever stop myself. I try and I try. God knows I try. But it still torments me. So often I still feel like I cant take it anymore but I have to.