I thought we were getting somewhere the other day when my H came over to sit down and talk with me. I still do not know what the reasoning was behind that talk (See the My Update post for the whole story) but this morning he called to "get everything out in the open" and told me that the EA I thought he was having has all along been a PA, that he has been lieing about everything, that he is a complete f**& up, sorry he has f**ed up my life, and our kids lives and evidently he is living with the MOW somewhere.

So I left the house, took the kids and myself over to my parents for the day. All the while, he is calling my cell ALL day long and I am not answering, I refuse to talk to him right now. He left me a text message that said, "Can we please talk. I had to get everything out in the open so that we could move on. I was trying to end everything with her this morning so I wanted everything out so there would be no secrets and no surprises." I did not respond. Then he sent a voice mail that said "Please call me. I want to talk to you. I want to see my children and I want to talk to you. You said in as many words that there would be no chance for us - I had to start somewhere - I have to clear my head - and telling you everything is part of clearing my head - I had to start somewhere" So he continues to call me all day long and I waited until about 9:30 pm to finally answer. I told him if he wants to talk to me, that he can come to the house and talk to me. He says "Well, I'm exhausted at this point, honestly, so I am not driving back out there" I said "fine!" and hung up. He called back and I answered like an idiot and I said "tell me right now, DID you end it with her?" He said "As of right now, no" So I said "goodbye!" Then we got into a text messaging conversation and I told him to just go file for the divorce and have a great life - you two liars and cheaters deserve one another. His response was "Is that what you want" I replied with "Its obviously what YOU want, or should I say SHE is obviously what you want" His response was "Nothing is obvious" - so I replied "then why did you not end it?" His reply was "Because of my feelings." And I replied "As I said, file for the divorce-you have made your choice-thanks for making it so clear" - His reply to that was: "When can I see my kids?" I got mad at that response so I called him and he was just so "in the fog" I guess, it was all babble to me pretty much. I said one last thing to him (as I have said 15 times now) to only call me if it's regarding the kids, the house, or financials. Otherwise I have nothing to say to him.

I was doing so good in the past week or two, with being strong and getting ready to just move on. Then he throws this monkey wrench in Thurs to have a "sit down talk" (see the MY Update post)

I am so sick of being on this roller coaster of emotions. I am so sick of everything. I just don't understand how this man could do this to me. I am so disgusted that he is just not who I thought he was. I want to puke.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I really needed to get this all out.

I'm sorry for your pain, Thankful. Yes it truly IS a rollercoaster! Our strength just comes and goes. We never know when the rug will be pulled out from underneath us.

I really don't have any advise, just wanted you to know that I understand this feeling, and having to puke. It's called the "Infidelity Diet". I divorced and lost 160 pounds in one day and his name was *****! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It was dead weight, and has stayed off for 11 years, now! Kind of like a crash diet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, hang in there, I know this stinks when we get dealt these ugly hands! Take Care...

Jennifer

T -

I'm not on the D track, but it sounds to me like your H is having severe second thoughts. Having him want to discuss ALL of it openly and honestly is a huge step. If there is any chance for recovery for you, I would give him an audience and let him explain. Sounds like reality is finally hitting him square on. Do you think you still love him? If so, please don't pass up this chance at recovery. M is too precious to throw out if WH is truly remorseful.

You're right - he has to completely let go of the OW if it is to work out. But D might not be the answer, especially if you have young kids. Blended families are really tough.

take care and keep us up to date.

Thank you for your support and words.

No, I truly don't want a divorce and yes, I do still love him. I am so hurt right now, words cannot even describe. I don't know what to do at this point. I guess I have to wait to see if he still wants to talk to me about everything. I am literally going out of my mind. The pain I am feeling is undescribable. I would never do anything, but I wish I just wasn't here anymore. I can't take this. I want to die.

He called and he's coming here this afternoon to talk to me. God give me strength.

Hi Thankful,

I'm so sorry that your worst fears were confirmed. I don't understand how someone can do that to someone they claim to love. There really is something to the "Alien" theory.

I don't understand why he would confess everything unless the fog is lifting. This doesn't sound like cake-eating, as a cake-eater will never really confess to anything. He may be at the end of his rope with all of this and decided that he wants to come home.

The thing is now that you have a choice to make. I know you still love him and want the M to work, but he will have to go the extra mile to make sure that you heal, that you can trust again. HE SHOULD BE WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK. If he doesn't show you that he will do whatever it takes, then you are probably wasting your time. Remember tough love, and ask him if he is willing to do whatever it takes.

Be strong, and remember that we are praying for you.

Your friend,

Tired

Thanks for the encouragement Tired. I needed that. I guess you are right about the reason he is confessing everything. I never looked at it that way, but it makes sense. I don't get the feeling though that he wants to come home. He said he tried but didn't end it with her yesterday "because of his feelings"...so where does that leave me & our marriage?

I just don't know what to do. I guess I have to wait and see what he says. I am afraid he is going to be in an angry frame of mind b/c of all that was said last night.

Thankful, I will be online tonight if you need to post. Let me know what happens, ok?

Praying for you,

Tired

T4kids -

When was discovery day? Just curious how fresh you are. Men don't see clearly when they think they are "in love". My H was "in love" w/OW twice (that I know of) during our marriage. I'm in a different spot than you, but I know exactly how you feel. The pain is worse than a loved one dying. Please see your physician as soon as you can - your brain receptors get all out of whack when you are shocked like this. The physical reaction is akin to post-traumatic stress syndrome.

My Dr. put me on lexapro and in about 3 weeks, my emotional side was able to handle things much better - I can actually be practical about the situation and think a bit clearer. I still cry, but I no longer feel so desparate. You also should see a counselor - individually - one can help you sort out your feelings of inadequacy and betrayal. Please remember, these things are ALWAYS about what is missing in your spouse. Yes, communication in the marriage can contribute to dissatisfaction, but it doesn't MAKE someone stray.

Please don't give up on this man. He sounds like he's really confused. Have you been to the "in recovery" post? There are good folks over there who have taken back a WS who has been there. Those posts can help you immensely.

I am very concerned about your state of mind, please seek help immediately if you have any thoughts of harm.

Let us know how the talk went - we care.

-TT

From what I understand "this" is "when" men confess everything. I was told that years ago when I found my husband's cell records, that when i went to divorce him he just might 'tell all." He still hasn't but then again it's been four years since that mess and to him it really didn't matter anyways, if he had an affair or not as he has no compassion or empathy for how this has impacted me.

Sermon in church today by our liberal pastor was about "sex" believe it or not. Not to get "religious" here but there are reasons there are rules, that when we make a commitment to our spouse it is to keep sex in our marriage and not outside. These "rules" were meant to protect us from immense pain. There's a huge over 50 percent divorce rate, sick thing is Chistians are no different, he even said the divorce rate is higher in churches - might be because so many go to churches to deal with this muck as stats would be hard to prove. Anyways he gave the example of a friend of his who was hurt, had a nerve hanging out and would have rather died at the time. He said a nerve like that wasn't mean to be in the open - but he said in infidelity the emotional pain is even more intense then the physical pain, and like the nerve, it was never meant to be out in the open.

We get married and believe in commitment. When we discover infidelity the pain is deep. I'm one for "second chances" as I grew up with the Christian faith - although had I not been rebellious I wouldn't have made such a poor choice in a marriage partner who too defied our marriage vows and caused much pain... However even though one would like to give second chances, it would ONLY be if the other party is truly sorry, only if they are able to empathize with the pain they've caused, and only if they will do anything to make it right. Words are cheap. A man who has one foot out the door "wondering" perhaps if he made the wrong choice I wouldn't say is truly asking for forgiveness. He wouldn't even have his foot in that door of infidelity. He'd be trying to make your marriage work out.

Yes he's likely confused like you are. In some ways I agree that infidelity is something wrong with the other person, however in my own case I always look back feeling like I was selish too and neglected his needs. In a perfect marriage we'd try to meet each others needs. But even trying our hardest there are times when both parties get lonely. Temptations are there, yes, but the "strong" will ignore those temptations and will uphold their marriage vows. My husband chose not to, he even flirted with other women right in front of me during our marriage, having no clue to this day how much pain he's caused. No, you didn't make him stray, that he was weak, that his true character came out is what made him stray...

I'm sorry for you, for me, for anyone who's had to go through the intense pain of cheating. I think the preacher this am was right, the pain is so severe and marriage wasn't meant to hurt like this. I personally keep trying to get on with my divorce, through the healing process just to "feel sorry" for him again when he calls to tell me he's lonely (of course after I left him a year ago when I was at the house some woman left a voice mail about when they were going to "hook up" again so it's likely he's been out cheating as he's waited for me to return)... it's at the point where I'll likely not talk to him, or I'll keep every conversation short and sweet. A man who really wanted to make things right would have worked on his marriage during our separation rather then showing how weak he was running around with someone he said he could care less about, and I believe him. He's a user and I'm sick of it.

In my case I needed to see a man who repented, who was sorry, who was willing to be a grown up instead of a big baby out running around. Our marriage "could have" been saved and that choice was mostly his. Instead of working to change, of being sorry his true character came out as it does with most people in a crisis... and that was of a cheater, a liar and a manipulator (lied about seeing his child more then he did, about his job, and much moer while presenting himself in public as the perfect, nice banker). I don't know if you need "drugs" but to sort through this maybe with the help of a shrink and decide if you give the guy another chance or not. If not, get on with your life and make a clean cut, it's hard to open the wounds over and over again, believe me I've done it for years with my husband that I'm finally divorcing. I need to get on with my life.

Excellent post, Horsey. My STBXW is doing the same thing as your H. She couldn't even wait for the D to finalize before she and OM began dating.

I'm sick of it also, and need to get on with my life.

Tired41

Two,
Thanks for your support. D-day was 12/25/05 (yeah, I know...Christmas) - that is when I discovered he had been "talking" to MOW. The week prior is when he told me he was unhappy with us. Yesterday (2/25) is when he came clean and told me it wasn't just an EA and that he had been having SF for appx 2 months. We've been separated since 1/16.

He was here for about 3 1/2 hours this afternoon. We talked and I assumed he had made up his mind, but he told me he needs to "clear his head". That he cannot make a rational decision right now and he would rather have a clear head to make a decision that will affect the rest of our lives. Said he isn't trying to give me false hope and isn't making any promises. I agreed that he should make the decision with a clear mind. He said part of clearing his mind was to come clean and have there not be any lies - he can't continue to lie/or withhold truth anymore. Says one of his biggest struggles is that he honestly "misses us" and "misses our family". Before he left I said to him, (after thinking to myself for a bit and struggling with the fact that he is still continuing with MOW) "Just as you can't make any promises to me, I cannot make any promises to you, during this interim period of you clearing your head...I don't know if my feelings for you will still be there, once your head is cleared and you are ready to make the decision." (I wanted to make him think a little bit & understand that he stands to lose me, by putting a little urgency on this but not giving him an ultimatum) Did I do the right thing? I don't know, but I'd love to hear opinions.

His response to that was "well, if that happens and you know in your mind that there is no chance for 'us' to work things out, will you please let me know-I know I don't deserve to know, but I would appreciate it if you would"

I'm anxious to hear thoughts...TIA.

Hi Thankful,

Now this is starting to sound familiar. My STBXW went through about 3 months of "clearing her head". I would insist that she have NC with OM, and she would agree, but after a week or so, she would be back in contact. In her case, she was trying to figure a way out of the marriage without making herself look bad. She did get out, but she looked like a complete tramp.

I think that you did the right thing in letting him know that you might not be there if he decides to come home. It is good that he doesn't want to lie anymore, but the rest is sounding like cake-eating. Really, what does he have to think about? Do you think he wants to save his family? I just don't understand what goes on inside their heads.

Stay strong. It sounds like you did great today. I'll be praying for you.

Tired

Thanks Tired. My brain is on overload right now. I am so confused. I feel like, by giving him this time to clear his head, that what I am really doing (in my mind) is allowing him to continue his relationship with MOW, no questions asked. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can accept that that is going on all the while. It makes me feel like I'm some desperate wife, just allowing her husband to continue to disrespect her. I am having such a mind struggle right now with this. Do I give him an ultimatum or do I not? I guess the other thing that is really bothering me as well, is that I know they are going on a business related trip from Wed thru Sunday (which is my b-day BTW) and that makes me sick - this will be their first time away together and I just don't know if I can accept that he hasn't made a decision w/regard to us, but is making a decision w/regard to them & that is to continue it. I'm so confused as to what to do. My mind is racing. I hope I can sleep tonight.

I know how confusing this is. I went through the same thing. I couldn't allow my STBX to continue contact with the OM, so I made demands. I also went and saw the OM and told him to back off.

Be sure to consider it very carefully before giving an ultimatum. Be ready to go all the way in other words. I gave my W and ultimatum, and she defied me yet again, so I asked her to move out and I'm now waiting on the divorce to finalize. I really don't think that I would do anything differently if I had the opportunity. I love and miss my wife very much and I cry for her each night, but I couldn't live with the alien another minute.

Thankful, I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. If you are like me, you know in your heart what you need to do. Knowing and doing it is very difficult.

I will be thinking of you.

Tired

Tired,
Well, I called him last night and told him that I wasn't sure if I could "do" this. Meaning, I think I might need a decision from you. I told him I feel disrespected with what he is doing & it is not fair to me. He said "do you want the decision right now?" and I said "How about tomorrow?" and he said "I won't have any time to even breathe until this business trip is over" (it's for a trade show and he'll be very busy the whole time) And so I said "Well, you tell me you need time to clear your head and I said, don't you think that part of clearing your head is ending it with MOW?" and he said "Yes, I agree that I need to separate from both of you in order to clear my head" and I said "Well, you are already seperated from me...so it has to be from her, too" He said, "I know" and I said "Does she HAVE to go on this trip" and he said "Yes, b/c of the business, etc..." I said "So when were you planning on separating from her too then?" and he said "In the next couple of weeks" and I said "Well, how are you going to handle it on the business end - I mean, she would have to be.." and he said "I know, disassociated from that too - it will happen, if it needs to happen"

So, other than few more things that were said that I can't remember, we left it at that. I guess I am still uneasy that he can't begin the clearing his head NOW. That she still has to go on this trip. I know clearing his head and separating from her will need some time involved. I mean, he can't just separate from her and then in one day, have his head cleared, right? That will take time, right?

Am I being a doormat?? What am I saying??? What am I doing? I'm so confused still.

T4K -

Have you been to the recovery posts? There are lots of good threads out there on plan A and plan B. If your H really wants to clear his head, he should "get the flu", call in sick and not go on this trip! Stay strong in this - you are NOT being a doormat! You are trying to save your marriage and your family. He needs to see an IC right away!

You are in plan A right now. Some folks here, and I agree, that you set a goal. Give him one week (or whatever you're comfortable with) to break it off w/MOW. Then cut him off completely. No seeing his kids, no phone calls, no contact whatsoever. Also, has MOW been exposed to her H? Tell your spouse that if he doesn't expose, you will. It has to end now and he has to end it. He can't have it both ways.

You are doing great T4kids - Keep up the great work! In the end, no matter what, your kids will have a great role model for a mother!

Take care - hugs from me

-TT

Thanks for your advice. The A has been exposed, (including MOW's H) it is out in the open. Everyone and I mean everyone now knows. My husband is self-employed, he cannot NOT go on this trip. It is for the business & he is the president. Also, I could never cut him off from seeing his kids. I just don't have it in me. I can easily cut off contact on the phone with regard to me (and have done that repeatedly lately) but we always end up "talking" again somehow.

Still so confused...

Thankful, I jsut got through reading your posts. I am so sorry for the things that he had to tell you. I know you didn't want to hear it. But I do believe that this is part of coming out of the fog. He didn't have to tell you this stuff. If he wanted the MOW and not you, then he didn't have to tell you this. He could have just kept it to himself and went on lying about it. I know it hurts, this is just part of it.

YOU ARE NOT being a doormat. I agree with the earlier statement that someone posted, you are only trying to make your marriage work.

Tell me again, when is this business trip?

I agree with Soon. There is really no reason for him to come clean unless the fog is starting to lift. I know WSs can be mean and cruel, but that's usually when they get caught in a lie.

I think being a doormat means that you allow the A without doing anything at all. You have definately let him know how you feel and that you will not tolerate the A indefinately.

Your doing great, Thankful!