I am dating someone who has been married twice. I'm not sure why but it makes me uncomfortable for him to maintain a relationship with his stepkids. He was married to his ex for 3 years and didn't want to divorce. I know I shouldn't have anxiety about it, but I kind of don't want him connected to her anymore. Any advice?

How old are the kids? All situations are different, and there isn't a "pat" answer, but I think that age would play a big part.

I understand that you may feel she might use the kids to somehow threaten your relationship, but let me give you my point of view.

My DD was 7 and my SS's 10 and 6 when I married my H. Most of our marriage, SS's lived out of state but would visit for almost the entire summer and Christmas holidays. During the school year we kept in contact by phone. I was always the "mean" stepmom that made them eat their vegetables and gripped when they misbehaved.

Four years ago, the oldest SS came to live with us. I watched him play football, praying he wouldn't get hurt. I took him to get his tux for prom and made sure he had flowers for his girlfriend. He was my DD's big brother. I helped him fill out his college paperwork and even took out student loans in my name when his father was declined.

The last time I saw oldest SS, he hugged my neck and told me that he loved me. Now, he won't answer his phone when I call. Both boys have been told not to talk to me by WH and his family. Younger SS, who I sometimes butt heads with, snuck a call and told me that he wants to see me when he is back in town because I'm the only one that ever cared enough to disapline him. However, he is only 16 and I worry that it might cause legal problems if I'm not careful.

For almost 10 years, I have loved these boys as my own, not just as part of my WH. Of all the things I have dealt with, including A, losing contact with these children is the worst. My wanting contact with them has nothing to do with WH. I've been there for over half of SS's lives. They must be feeling confused and hurt as well.

"You divorce wives, not children." -- quote from the movie Clueless, in response to the protagonist's complaint that she shouldn't have to put up with a step-brother when their parents had only been married a matter of months.

As the others said, it's really a complicated issue. In my extended family when I was growing up, we didn't have to deal with it, but we did have the whole thing of is your uncle or aunt by marriage still your uncle or aunt when the marriage tie in question is gone. We always assumed the answer is "yes".

I was and am a step child to my fathers second ex wife and his current third wife and I never really gave it any thought until I started recently seeing "T" who has a 13 year old step daughter. "T" and his ex wife were married 5 years and together 3 years before the marriage so he's basically raised this girl. At first I was a little put off that he spends so much time going to her basketball and softball games and spending ALOT of money on her but the more I get to know him I realize that he really does love her like his own and that I shouldn't get so bent about it. He even spoke to her on the phone while he was here visiting and I could tell the love that he has for this girl...as if she was his biological daughter. I say don't be so jealous over a kid. It's not the child's fault that he/she has a step-parent.

On a side note...It makes me wonder what my first step mothers now husband thought when she maintained a relationship with me after my father and her divorced.

My STBXH wants nothing to do with my teenagers and it is so sad. They lost their father when they were 1 and 2, now, the only father they have known abandoned them too.

Depends on the children, and whether or not they want a relationship...

It is never the children's fault, so they should never lose out on a special parental figure....

I, too, think it depends on the situation.
I was married to two men that had one son. The first I was with for 6 years. Met when the boy was four. (I don't have any kids.) He was an awesome kid, I think losing him was even harder than losing WH. But soon after I left, WH married OW. Now WHERE do *I* fit in to that? I feel that I abandoned the boy, he has no idea why I just fell off the face of the earth. I spoke to his mom a couple of times about it and she said she would be happy to let me see him. But I had to think about him-was that in HIS best interest? I mean, here his dad is on his third marriage, OW had 2 or 3 kids of her own, mom was remarried, so he had step brothers/sisters on each side and a half sister on the mom's side. I felt my wanting to see him and keep in touch would NOT be in HIS best interest. That poor kid had enough going on. I know people that know him, have followed him on his growing up, still miss him terribly, but had to do what was right by the child.

Husband number 2 with kid turned crazy on me. I wouldn't have been able to deal with him to see the child and we really weren't that close. Again, I felt that it would not be in HIS best interest for me to try to see him. He's going to have enough problems with his dad, let alone the confusion of why a step parent is getting visitation!
They both had moms, good moms. I was never out to replace, just add some love. In my case, I lost everything-spouse and kids.

So I think that's what has to be looked at-what's in the child's best interest. Sometimes you DO have to divorce the kid too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

nid
It's been 5 days since you posted your original question. Six people took the time to respond. Have you read any of them? Were any a help to you? Did they provoke more questions? Did your situation magically solve itself?

My concern is NOT that he desires to maintain a relationship with the Step-children, my concern is that "he didn't want to get divorced".


It sounds like your anxiety is more :That if He's still in love with his ex-wife, that there is a greater chance they will get back together if he continues contact with her children. And you will be hurt in the long run.

I realize that you 'feel' in love with this man, but if he is still emotionally attached to his ex-wife then HE is not ready for a relationship with YOU!!

It really sounds like he is using you to 'get over' his ex-wife. If he has someone else in his life then he doesn't face his feelings of loss. He doesn't look at himself and what went wrong in the marriage. In other words you sound like a re-bound relationship.

I realize this has to be difficult to hear, but I'd rather have you hurt for a little bit now, than A LOT later, because they decided they wanted to try again on their marriage.

If I had that much anxiety over a man continuing contact with children, especially in that he is still emotionally connected so much to their mother, I would suggest that he go back and TRY to work things out with her, and to stop calling me so that they might have a better chance of making their relationship work.

I would want to know in my heart that this man WANTED to be with me, and not deep down wishing he were with someone else.

If it is just about wanting to maintain a relationship with the child (which is wonderful) because he loves her as his own, and not for any other reason, then he would be making sure you feel secure in his love.

In reading your post, it doesn't sound like that is happening.