Well, the D is finally done! My now XW agreed to settle at the last minute and we avoided going to trial. The big thing is that custody will stay the way I want it. What a relief!

Over the last couple of days leading up to court, I had a kind of peace come over me. I was actually happy realizing that it was really going to happen this time. But by the day of court I wasn't feeling much of anything, numb would be the best way I could describe it.

As the day wore on and our negotiating continued, this apparent lack of feeling also continued and by the time I walked out of the courthouse for the last time I didn't know what to think. I got many phone calls from friends and family congratulating me. They were all SO happy for me, it was very touching. I have felt very alone at times going through this and hearing from everyone reminded me of how blessed I am to have so many caring people in my life.

I told everyone thank you when they called and told them how relieved I was. I acted happier than I actually felt because I still wasn't feeling ANYTHING. I figured I would soon start to feel happy as soon as it sank in, I mean everyone else was so happy that surely this feeling of freedom and joy was just around the corner.

The next morning I woke up feeling much the same way. Added to that was a kind of sick feeling, like when you are just starting to recover from a bad case of the flu. I had actually gotten over the flu just a few days before so I figured it was some lingering effect from that.

I got the kids off to school, still feeling a bit under the weather, but emotionally empty. Not happy, but not sad or depressed at all either. At least not on the surface. I climbed in the shower and that's when it broke loose. Completely by surprise I started crying. I am not someone who cries easily. I don't think there is anything wrong with showing emotions, I just don't have that feeling come over me very often. Well I had it come over me big time now. I literally sobbed uncontrollably for half an hour. It got to the point that I was actually laughing at myself while I was crying because I was in such amazement. After I was done those lingering physical feelings I had were gone. It also allowed me to start feeling what I had been bottling up.

There is so much relief that this is over. The stress of not knowing what was going to be decided about the kids was a daily wear. Always thinking about being extra careful with everything I did so it couldn't be used against me in some way. The freedom of being able to move on with my own life and pursue the things that will make my life good and whole and pleasing to me and my loved ones.

I also have a profound sense of gratitude to God for leading me to this place and all of the wonderful people here who gave me so much help when I was completely lost. I can look back on this knowing that I did all I could and with very few regrets. I owe all of you so much for that and thank you more than I can convey in words.

But I also have a deep sense of sadness. Finalizing the D has brought what I have lost to the forefront of my mind again. Having to do this to my kids, even though I know it's what had to be done, is so very hard. As long as this has taken I didn't think simply finalizing it would hit me so hard, but it sure has.

I know it will all be okay, though. I have a developed a patience through all of this that I didn't have before and it gives me an underlying strength. For those of you who are in the middle of your own situations or maybe just starting, patience is the one character trait that I would suggest you develop as fully as you can. It will make your life and your trials through this so much easier.

I have a couple of issues I am still working on and need help with (for another thread), so I'm not going anywhere soon. I just wanted to take the time to write my thoughts and hopefully give back at least a little bit of what I have received here.

God Bless all of you,
starman