When I say long term - I mean over two years.

Calling all XBS, XMM who have repaired their marriages and have/had successful long term C with the OC.

Tell us why it works for you and how you got there.

Thanks

Inanutshell,

You have been in C for almost 2 years too, right? I'm interested too.

Does OW call your home, or do you all have plans set up? How do you do it?

Whew, that's a loaded question! We tried so many different things, some worked and some didn't.

OC is five years old, we have had contact off and on and have just recently gotten custody of her.

First, you must have a paternity test and a custody order. We went a year without a paternity test and nearly two years without a custody agreement and it only brought us heartache. A custody agreement just makes things fair. OW in our sitch would keep OC away for as long as nine months at a time, whenever OW got angry with us, and without an order there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. When we finally got one, the court ordered every other weekend and two weeks in the summer which wasn't a lot, but a relief that no matter what happened we would get to see OC.

Also, at the suggestion of numerous lawyers and MarriageBuilder members, we documented EVERYTHING. We have the last six years of calendars documenting every pertinent piece of info regarding OC/XOW. This was very useful the last couple of weeks while we talked with OW about giving us custody. She was floored when she saw every mistake she ever made in black and white. Even if things aren't that awful, it's best to be able to show a judge how much time OC spends with you, when she visited the doctor or had an injury, and what days OC missed at school. We also had a logbook that traveled with OC between households when communications between OW and my H were too strained to handle over the phone. This was a wonderful tool! It kept things calm and at the same time it documented all the contact between OW and H.

Other than that, the rest is easy. Make sure to keep any and all stress regarding the situation away from OC. Always reiterate how much OC is loved, by all parties. Always keep OC best interests at heart, never do anything out of anger, revenge or jealousy. Pray - ALOT.

Make "couple time". Talk about everything with your spouse. Open lines of communication are a must - even if the topic is ugly or the feelings are painful. Honesty is key. My H and I have fought about OC/XOW countless times in the last six years. But, the fights get fewer and further between, and it gets easier to say what needs to be said and hear what needs to be heard, even if it's sometimes painful.

Finally, IMHO, I truly believe that one must put the marriage first under any and all circumstances. If contact with OC and/or XOW is causing a rift in your marriage, you may want to rethink your choice of contact.

Eventually, we had to work with XOW very closely to get the custody agreement we wanted. In the end, patience, love and persistence were the keys and we retained custody for the cost of one legal consultation and a paternity test, about $300.

Our sitch was extremely difficult and wrought with bad experiences for OC, but contact can work even if you don't have custody - as long as you try to move forward with a good and loving heart.

Good luck and big hugs.

For us... I got off easy. It has been 4 yrs now. I have had no contact with the OW... I have fully, completely & legally adopted my son. Her rights were removed and she has no legal rights at all. My son will be 6 in April and has begun to question things so I anticipate having to contact some of the OW family for his peace of mind and to answer his questions that I can't answer. But for now I haven't had to see or hear from her since the last court appearance 3 yrs ago.

Stillstrong, I knew your name sounded familuar and just re read your story. I remember you now. I'm so happy for your family. Your son does have a happy ending and so lucky to have you in his life. Congratulations on the continued success with your marriage and family.

Crazy:

OW does not call our home and never has - - at least that I know of. We used to get hang up phone calls and so I got caller ID, then blocked phone calls. I went through the tracing thing and was one phone call away from police involvement and that series stopped. I told H to let her know of the phone calls and that i was tracing etc. So - - do ya think she just might have been making them. DUH

Now, I block all blocked calls. She used to put her 12 yr old son up to calling for her just a few times. H told her if she needed to talk to him, she needed to call, not put the 12 yr old in a that position. Grow up. So, now no phone calls even on the fairly rare occassion she isn't going to work and won't be dropping OC off. H shows up for pick up and she doesn't. What flipping fruitcake. And - - - she's darned near 39 yrs.

Yes, arrangements are all set up. Pick up and drop off are at a neutral location except Tuesday and Wednesday mornings when H takes OC to her tin can on his way to work.

For the most part she's left me (us) alone for along time. I guess she finally figured out her deceit and story fabricating wasn't working and gave up. She's sent me nasty letters, told H I called CPS on her, called her work and etc, etc. None of it happened.

We just carry on with daily life for the most part. It's not perfect, but from what I read on here could be worse. Long story, but no court ordered visitation or CS set up. She's very adamant about wanting it this way as she frauded the system with first OC and made flipping fool out of herself.

Had to have four men tested for paternity and the alledged father who paid her off 60K turned out to be not the father. The father to OC#1 didn't remember who she was and had to have a picture sent to him - - eight years later after she'd gambled the 60K away and had to apply for welfare benefits.

It's (judge signed orders) are going to have to take place sooner than later, but for now, I'm not going to worry about it. I have other things to occupy my time. We have everything going for us in the courts. I have notesbooks of documentation on visits, we paid for 100% of the OC's hospital, lists and receipts of what we've spent on OC and what for. And we've had him 4 days (not 24 hrs/day) a week since he was 6 weeks old. That's the biggest thorn in my side at this point is that we shouldn't have to be doing the daily drop and pick up. It's not fair to him to have to wake him up at 6:00 a.m. so he can be taken back to her tin can until 1:00 on Tuesday and 5:30 on Wednesday, just to turn around and come back here. Eventually, I believe we'll have full and complete physical and legal custody.

In the mean time, we continue to work toward keeping our marriage together and working through issues. LIke I say - an Uphill battle.

Since dday dh and I have jointly had contact with oc and ow. Now dh mostly deals with both oc and ow. but we are overseas so for the most part communication is via phone , email and cam. We do visit and see oc mostly nce or twice a year. i'm sure it will progress once we return to the states. i still bothers me at time that ow calls the home. But I get over it. It's not like there can really be anything done. Custody hasn't been handeled through the courts. i wish it were however but I've tried to leave that up to dh. I have told him that from reading on the boards I no longer feel comfortable with oc in our care unless it's court ordered so ow doesn't flip or call the cops or something silly. I know everything seems to be going well but I just want to cover our butts just in case.

Our situation is unique (4y long-distance; 2y no contact; 2y visitation). The years away from xow/oc were healing for marriage, though full of ugly bitterness from Xow. We did everything the counselors said, read books, took quizzes, rebuilt trust. Is very unusual that Xow *wants* OC to know us (maybe because she never knew her own father)and has cooperated in visitation.

Counselor's support during the months prior and beginning visitation were important to us. We made a plan: under what circumstances we would allow contact; what behavior would make us break visitation!; and we took visitation very slowly: first couple times in public only, then at our house but not overnight, then overnight, eventually a whole weekend, and summer she comes longer.

Not only did this allow time for OC and us to get to know each other, we could see if Xow was causing trouble and back out before we got too involved!! Counselor said it was better for OC to meet us and lose us than not meet us at all, so we went with that.

I know it doesn't work for everyone. I do 90+% of the calls, dropoff/pickups re: OC. I maintain my boundaries and stay polite to XOW. OC loves us and we love OC; she's a nice kid. It's working well. We do not make big demands, we're flexible, and Xow behaves similarly. I hope it continues thus, and if not, OC will be old enough in a few years to contact us on her own!