I found this site a little over two years ago. Then I always posted on the pg/child board. Trying to deal with, accept & save my M consumed my life for over two years. If not for God in my life, I would have taken it, the pain was so unbearable, XH’s treatment of me, the way he let OC’s mother continue to disrespect me & our M on a regular basis was unbelievable but it happened. I now see that I allowed it to happen and for that I have no one to blame but myself. Well I allowed XH to push me to the point that if he was not out of my house I no longer wanted to hurt myself, but him. I knew I had done everything in my power to try to save what was left of our M. I worked on forgiving him, his mother, even OW. I accepted OC into my home & tried to be a good stepmother to her. That was something no one understood except my very best girlfriend. So I fought for my M against the wishes of everyone in my life which was a great battle let me tell u. Being that we have no children together everyone thought it would be really simple for me to just cut him out of my life & pretend the last 12 years of my life with him didn’t exist. It is just not that cut and dry, at least not for me anyway.

So last year I filed on Jan. 6 and put him out on Feb. 2 . I then put the D on hold twice, I was so conflicted & confused, and most of all trying to stay in God’s will, while holding on to hope that we could still one day reconcile. I then got fed up and let the D go thru and one year ago today it became final. I celebrated that day, and stupidly thought that was the end of it, and it would have been if I let it but I didn’t, even though I let go of the M, I had not let go of him and since he never wanted the D he hadn’t let go of me either. So for all of last year I played this game with him, “I don’t want u in my life” – “I want u in my life.” “Let’s date and see if we can put this back together, and maybe we will get M again one day soon.” All the while knowing I probably would have lost my mind, my family & would have run the risk of being committed to an insane asylum by my parents if I took him back. This past January I let him play me for the last time, I finally woke up and realized it is over, the M, the relationship, the “friendship” all of it, it happened, it is done, it will never be again and why would I want it? I deserve so much better than what he gave me. Even if I am alone, I will have peace of mind - which is priceless. I told him to not contact me ever again, I told him that in Oct. last year but this time it is for real. I can truly look back on my past with him and take ownership of my mistakes and forgive myself and him for his mistakes since I now know that it wasn’t meant to be. I have no regrets about the time I spent trying to make it work cuz I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did all I could to try to save my M, I will never have to live with the “what ifs”. Of course there is still love there, even after all the pain I have endured. But I thank God I am not “in love with him anymore. I don’t feel that need to talk to him, to see him. I don’t wonder what he is doing or where he is or with who. I see my XMIL and OC at church sometimes & it doesn’t hurt & tear me up inside like it used to. I can hug OC and speak to XMIL and smile and not be fake. It is a peace I can’t describe. A wise woman once told me “Don’t let your desire take u out of the realm of reality.” I lived that way for many years – no more!

I wrote all this out for myself, just to reflect on my “journey” & also in the hopes that it may help anyone who is struggling with letting go of what could have been. God & time truly does heal all wounds.

BG93,

You are on a journey many of us share. God Bless and good luck my friend.

Keith

Keith, Thank u for your well wishes.

I pray that you find peace as well as I see u have a "one year ago today" coming up yourself.

I know this "journey" would be even harder if we shared children, so in that respect I am fortunate that I don't have to see him for any reason. Even that fact doesn't help the feelings die any sooner though. It is definitely an ongoing process that is for sure.

Even though I have accepted the fact we will not be together again, I pray for the day that I don't think about him everyday or something he and/or OW did to me. I pray for the day that these triggers don't arise and make me angry at him or myself or make me sad. Again I know that is where time comes in to ease the pain. I still struggle with total peace over this situation as it seems now my life is divided into two parts, the before the PA & OC's arrival and the aftermath. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. I just don't want this to define who I am, cuz I know I am so much more than what happened to me in my past. I do feel that I will most likely spend the rest of my life alone, unless the Lord sees fit to send a man into my life HE has picked for me. This is my second D and I think I may not get a third chance at M. Sometimes I think I don't want one either.

I am probably sounding really confused again now and like I really don't have it all together. I hope that is not the impression I gave in my first post cuz I don't have it all together, I am just in a better place now than I was this time last year. I did want to share my thoughts on my D and as I said possibley offer some hope to someone who feels like things will never get beter or that this is the end, cuz it is not. As long as u have breath in you body it's not over and there is still a chance to have joy, peace and happiness in your life be it M or not.

BBG,

I have not posted or even read this site for a very long time (6 months or so)and I am so glad to see you and talk to you once again. I miss you and wish the very best for you!! I know your struggle and felt your pain through it all and am glad that you have made it over to the other side.

I miss not talking to you on a daily basis, but am glad that you pop in every once in a while. I am proud of you and the way that you handled this whole thing. You are and have been since the very beginning of this a Woman of Honor!! No one can take that from you not your XH, XMIL, OW, or OC. you fought a good fight and WON! You Won your LIFE back, your soul, your self esteem, your grace, your worth, and most importantly YOU!!!

My prayers and Blessings are always with you and know that I truly consider us "SISTERS By Fire"!!

Love ya,

JT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey "Sister"!

So glad to see u here too.

Too many new names & new pain on the pg./child board so I don't visit there often.

Not sure how honorable I am, Lord knows I have committed my share of mistakes too, but I do appreciate the compliment.

Please give me an update, I miss u too!

Love u!