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Ok I talked to Dr. Harley today and I must say he was shocked by all of this and especially how DD reacts to this mess.
He says its very rare for a child to not side with the BS. He says I need to let her know just how painful this all is and how much WH has hurt me.
He did say that the divorce will likely happen and to stay in planb for at least the 2 year time limit. He felt that once the affair is over WH may try and come back and for me to keep the door open for at least 2 years.
He said the other thing is once WH realizes he will lose me or I have found someone else is when wH will try to come back.
He also said that tomorrow during mediation I should show emotion and tears. Tell WH is need his support since I don't have a good paying job and since i have been a SAHM for so many years. He did say that if/when WH comes back we need to have a plan in place to meet the 15 hours a week and he needs to have a job were he is home....
Joyce and Dr. Harley were also shocked by WH'S request at first to have both OW and myself. Joyce said he actually said to you he wanted both.....
So now all I have is time...... Dr. Harley says time will end all of this and then its what I feel at the time that will decide what happens...
Hurting
Last edited by hurtinginokla; 03/06/06 12:35 AM.
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Wow, Healing... that is pretty cool that you got all that great FREE advice from the man himself... Good job.
Now you know how you should act tomorrow.. I know it will go well... we will all be there with you, you will not be alone..
what exactly did he say about being a truck driver ?? too much free time on his hands ?? I know I hate it...
Prayers going up for Healing tomorrow....
carnation
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
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He said him being a truck driver is hard on a marriage and if /when he ever comes home we need to come up with a plan to for him to be home.....
Carnation my only thing is the waiting for this to end. He say it will most likely end within the two year time period.
He also said with OW not being divorced and her H not caring that does not help at all.... He does feel that at some point WH may try and come back but the question is will I care at that point.
I am still not sure about how to act tomorrow. I think being emotional will just have WH think I am still clinging on to him and not letting go which in my mind lets him think I will wait forever..... Plus it also give him some ammunition to push my buttons and say cruel things to me....
I am still just as confused as I was yesterday.....
I don't know whether to just give up or still hope.....
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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I heard you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love your accent! I must tell you a secret. When I was a little girl, I wished for that accent. But I guess I would have to move there to get it, so not possible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> You got the best advice today. I was very surprised by much of it too. I know tomorrow will not be easy, but may God give you the strength for it. Blessings, Lady
Last edited by ladysheep; 03/02/06 05:44 PM.
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He said him being a truck driver is hard on a marriage and if /when he ever comes home we need to come up with a plan to for him to be home..... Yes...He said principle being... never to be away from home overnight. Not healthy for the marriage. I can see what he meant. I know Hurting, you probably never saw it, you had been married for so long. You were really great at helping him reach his goal/dream of being a truck driver. What I am thinking, without his knowing it, it may have created the independant attitude in him...and then he just carried the attitude further.
Last edited by ladysheep; 03/02/06 06:03 PM.
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hurting, Showing emotion tomorrow is NOT acting clingy, it is showing your WS how much this has hurt you, and don't forget to say you need his help as you were a sahm for so long and it will take awhile for you to make your own way in life. As for your dd, well I am not surprised that the Harley's were shocked. I have been very shocked by her behavior and acting out. Her calling ow 'mom' is something that would have crossed my line in a big way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I would have sent her over there pronto to live with the infidels. Your dd has been very, very immature, and if her father and ow were all that then let them have her. Yes, I know that is not an option now. So you just continue with the tough love with dd. You have been great during all of this, so just be your sweet, but heartbroken self tomorrow. The mediation people need to see that you and family have been abandoned and you deserve SS after alll the years you spent raising your family while your WS was on the road. You go girl, let this play out. In time things will get better. You deserve better. You are WORTHY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Wishing you the best tomorrow. Love in Christ, Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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hurting I'm glad you got to speak to Dr. Harley. I really hope things work out for you. You seem like such a special person. Good luck tomorrow and don't be afraid to let your feelings show. I'm praying for you.
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I heard you! I'm glad you get advice from the man himself.
Actually it's the same advice he gave me:wait 2 years.
I'm waiting and making a good life for myself. Don't see any better choices.
cc
"Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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Glad you got to talk to Dr Harley ~that's cool.
I think you're as prepared as can be, so all you can do is
be yourself.
Will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
Slammed
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Post deleted by Cherished
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oklahoma
how long until the 2 years is up?
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2 years from the start of the A or from time of seperation?
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Jennifer told me that it's 2 years from the time the affair "sees the light of day" by being exposed completely
and I remember reading here or in the book:
most affairs last 6 months at the most....and a few rare ones last as long as 2 years after being exposed to "reality" and the fantasy bubble bursts
Last edited by eav1967; 03/03/06 11:10 AM.
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I think showing emotion is ok just not throwing yourself at his feet and letting him drag down the corridor of the court house while you sob uncontrollably. YOU so would NOT do that now. But perhaps a regal quiver in your chin, a catch in your voice, eyes welled up with maybe one tear so it does not ruin your make up. You don't want him thinking you are a stone cold betch, but the class act in the nice fitting jeans who he shared many nights of passion with.
ya know I almost feel kind of sorry for him
aka-confused42
BS-45 me
WH-42
DS-14 & DD-12
together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs
"I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04
D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06
5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06
Recovery finally began Jan 2007
We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Thank all of you for being so supportive and my dear friends.
My heart is so heavy right now with fear and dread of tomorrow.
As hard as I know I want to show independance and being strong I know my emotions will take over. They usually do when I see him. My heart just leaps with joy when I see him. I see the man I love and it kills me to know he does not care anymore.
Yes Cherished he has lied to the OW many times. She has caught him in most of them though except for the last few times we were intamite. She has no clue about those.
I sometimes tell myself this is not what he really wants but feels he must do it since he started the process. But that could just be me not facing reality as well.
As far as the 2 years go it would be June of 2007 since it hit th light of day and exposure was done. So I still would have a ways to go before that time is up. I am going to try very hard to hang on but I just don't know if my heart can do it...
Yes she is married as well and been seperated over 6 years. He H is living his own life and does not care about what is happening now so he is of no help.
Not to worry all I will not throw myself a him and beg or plead. He is going to know how I feel though and that I refuse to partcipate in destoying our family. He will have to do this all by himself with no help from me.
I am so scared right now. I have been a bundle of nerves all day. I couldn't concentrate at work because my mind was just racing. My boss let me come home early as she saw how i was. Everyone at work is so kind and concerned as well.
I spoke to my MIL today before work and told her what Dr. Harley said and she was impressed. I started crying and she just hugged me and said BS it will be ok, I am here for you. She asked me what time tomorrow this was I told her 1 PM she said she would be home by then and when I was done to come to her. I am sure I will need her tomorrow.
Why isn't there something that can break through this damn fog? Why can't he see what is happening?
Hurting
P.S. Lady I am glad you liked my accent. Not many people want an Okie accent... LOL Its definatly different......
Last edited by hurtinginokla; 03/03/06 01:44 AM.
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Posts: 3,609
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well I am off to bed to try and sleep.....
I have to be alert and on it tomorrow .....
Again thank all of you for the prayers...
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Dear Hurting, Glad you got to chat with Dr Harley. U will do fine tomorrow. Sending hugz from the middle of the big blue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Aloha, L.
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Hurting I'll be thinking about you today and praying for you to have strength and do what you need to do. Be strong, lots of people are pulling for you.
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Iam,
Thank you so much. 4 1/2 hours to go.....
I am so sick to my stomach right now...
I don't know if I can do this......
I don't want to do this......
I don't want to see him or hear his babble or justifications anymore ...... I can't take the lies and blame he lays on me......
I just want to scream at him and tell him what a fool he is....
Lord please help me get through this day .......
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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I've got my arms around you RIGHT NOW!
We're all sitting in that room with you....a flotilla of MB angels.
- Kimmy
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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