DDay was in Oct, NC in Nov. OW sent him a couple text messages that he told me since then, and he saw her "from a distance" a couple times since then, but he has said he never contacted her or responded to her. THey work in the same building, but not together.

We had a fight Sunday because WH felt that MC was a waste of time and money becasue we were not getting anywhere. The MC said that was becasue we haven't begun to heal since he is still in withdraw. WH canceled the appointments and after the fight he went out drinking, never came home, never contacted his family or friends and left us all worried where he was and if he was ok. He finally came home and I ran and hugged him to find him ok, but wanted to kill him myself for what he put me through worrying and worrying all his friends and family looking for him. THen he tells me he was with OW. Then I find out that it was not the first time, that he contacted her 2 weeks ago, just to talk and to see how she was doing.

I don't know what to do anymore, he has regressed and now doesn't want to go to counseling. He says he is sorry and want s to make it work, but I can't keep going through this. Esp. now that I find I can't trust him. I knew he was in withdraw and that there was not much I could do, but a couple weeks ago I knew he was hurting and I felt the best thing for me to do was to tell him I love him and I forgive him for the affair and I find that was around the time he contacted her, which is why he must have felt guilty and upset, but still lied to me about it.

It seems he wants to just keep feeling sorry for himself and not do anything to change anything, anything to make it better. I don't know what to do, he says he wants to make it work, but he keeps hurting me. I know the counselor said it takes time, but I don't think I have the strength to do this anymore. We are both on antidepressants, and I know I have to be strong, but feel like a single mom to our two little girls. I just don't know what to do to turn things around.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

tsl, the key will be to bust up this affair. And that will not happen as long as they continue to work together. Your situation is exactly WHY Dr. Harley is adamant that the affairees NEVER EVER see each other again. And working together is the same thing as seeing each other. He won't withdraw until the work situation changes and contact ends.

I would also suggest that you probably aren't going to bust up this affair until you expose it. Exposure will RUIN their affair and likely motivate one or the other to find a new job.

Dr. Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.


READ THIS: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Thanks for the advice. I have been reading alot here and I thought I did expose and break it up. I thought it was over and there was NC. I thought wrong. So, until he gets a new job there is no hope of recovery? Nothing I say or do will make any difference at this point?

ts,

Quote:Nothing I say or do will make any difference at this point?


Melody told you EXACTLY what to do AND what to say.

Unfortunately, until your WH decides that it is over, no amount of persuasion on your part will work; it will only alienate him more. A good book I would suggest on this very topic is James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. Your WH must also be ready to fight for the M. You deserve that amount of respect.

I just don't know what to do. I thought I fully exposed in NOV and I thought it was over in NOV, that's why it hurt so much when I just found out he was still in contact with her. I have been reading, doing Plan A, I planned a cruise which is next week,(which is an issue in itself I need to deal with) and I don't know what else to do.


I'm getting desperate and ready to give up-

TS

BS me (32)
WH (32)
together 13 years
married 8 years
dd4 dd2
DDay Oct 2005
NC letter written Nov 24, 2005
thought we were in recovery working to rebuild.....

tsl, it won't be broken up until they stop seeing each other at work. To whom has this been exposed? Is the OW married? Has it been exposed to her H, her family, human resources?

What does your H say about leaving this job?

There is ALOT you can do at this point, and most of it involves making the affair as uncomfortable as possible. And the way you do that is via exposure and confronting him.

I exposed to the OW's husband back in NOV and he just said thanks for confirming my suspsions, and hung up. THey have only been married 2 years and have no kids. (we have been married 8 with 2 kids). I hear that he has since left her which has made my WH feel sorry for her and want to "be there" for her.

They work for the same company, as do I, but we are all in different departments. They work in the same building, I do not. THey have no manager/ co-workers in common to expose to. They met through the company softball team which I could no longer be apart of when I had kids. He said he is looking for a new job and knows that is what he needs to do, but NO progress has been made. I don't know what I could do to expose to HR, they are not in the same depart, do not work together, are not reporting to one another, HE is contacting her!

I don't know what to do....

ts, probably your best bet then might be contacting her H again. Even if they are split up, they might be trying to get back together. Even so, they are married. It is often very helpful to expose to the Human Resource Deptartment. Even if they can't - or won't - do anything about it, they most likely will set them down and have a "chat." Being exposed like that brings great conflict into the affair and ruins the secrecy. Another good exposure target would be your H's parent and her parents.

Since this has been going on for so long, you might want to take a hard look at Plan B if it seems he is cake eating.

Going to such an extent with pursuing such full exposure will only serve to completely alienate a WS. It will not accomplish any goals of recovering the M without much resentment.

sfjaj, it actually has the opposite effect. What "alienates" a WS is the affair; exposure only makes them temporarily angry. Exposure is ruinous to the affair, which is the goal. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so removing the secrecy causes great damage. To NOT expose is tantamount to enabling the affair at the expense of the marriage. Ruination of the affair is what saves the marriage. It is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle.

I agree with the idea of exposure, I just thought I did everything I could. I don't think contacting HR at this point would do anything. I don't want them to turn it around on me and say I am the one harassing her. I don't know how I would go about contacting her parents. I had a hard enough time contacting her husband and that was a dead end, he has moved on.

I am just stuck that he doesn't want to move out, but doesn't want to end the affair. I have read others are in the same situation, but I don't know how to deal with it. He's tring to be all nice to me, and do things for me, but what does it matter while he is still continuing the affair?

TS

Read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. It is not fair to you to allow this situation to continue. If that is not acceptable to you, he should move out

ts, are you certain the OWH has moved on? I would suggest at least trying to contact him again and finding her parents data. This information is not that hard to find. Sometimes it can be found on www.peoplefinder.com. A PI would be able to find this information for you, probably.

Outside of that, the only path I see is Plan B. As you can see, them working together will never work. In Plan B, you would have to file for a legal seperation to get him out. But, it may just be the only thing that will bust up the affair and motivate him to REALLY end contact.

Another thing you might want to explore is counseling with Steve Harley. He is a PRO at this stuff and could analyze your situation and help you set an effective strategy. He won't waste a minute of your time and is worth every penny. [$185, I think]