We've been married for 8 1/2 years. We have two children together....8 and 4. D-day was 11/23/05. WH had a one night stand followed by e-mails and phone contact until caught on 11/23 (a month and a half). I just can't seem to take the next step to move forward. I will make some progress just to fall again. WH is doing everything to make this marriage work, but I'm not accepting it. I would love to hear success stories from BS's and WS's. I'm just at the point where I need to hear some positive stories with some good advice on how to get past this pain and anger. Any help would be appreciated!! Thanks!!

There are many people who would consider themselves successful at recovery. I guess success might be different from one to the next. I consider mine successful for the following reasons:

1 - We both share a common goal of wanting to have a happy and loving marriage
2 - We are attending IC and learning more about our personal problems
3 - We are spending more quality (not just quantity) time together than in the past
4 - I have seen her remorse in her poetry (which I have posted here)

My situation isn't the same as everyone's. My FWW approached me and exposed her A by choice. She immediately begged for my help (not forgiveness) to get the OM out of her life. This didn't make the recovery process easy... I just didn't have the crap to deal with that many here have had.

cheated_on:

My wife was the wayward spouse---her affair went on (post discovery) for several months and resulted in a child. But we're together in a recovered marriage, the affair is over, no contact with OM, and that child is 7.

Pain and anger are natural reactions to stimuli and events that aren't good for you. The question you need to ask is why you're still having these, and what can you and your husband do to make the situation better. Are the two of you in counseling? Structuring a recovery process would probably help you tremendously---because you're still early in this, the feelings you have are completely normal, and there are things that you can do to work through it to recover the marriage.

If you like the MB way, they offer phone counseling that is very good (888-639-1639). Give it a try.

Suggestion...

it isn't about getting past pain and anger...it is about getting to it. It is yours.

LA

There are stories of success and failure on this board. LA makes a great point....my story...at the bottom of this post..

Thanks for your replies. Yes we are in counseling. Next week will be the first time I go alone. I'm not to into the counseling. In the beginning it meant a lot to me and then it started feeling like now it is all my fault why I'm not happy. Since my husband is doing everything he can do for us, the focus has changed to me and that is all we ever talk about is the pain I'm going through and what I have to do to move forward. The thing is, I know what I have to do, I just am not there yet!
LA.....thanks for your suggestion. That is so true. I do have to get to it.
Hopeful4future....I enjoyed your list on why your M has been successful. It makes a lot of sense.
I was wondering if anyone could give me some reasons on why I should stay and work this out? There was a post a little while back on reasons to stay and work on it, so I'm wondering if anyone has any to share??
Thanks!

Cheated On,

I'll give you two reasons to stay and work on it...your children...The only way I got through the last few months was thinking of my kids.

About a month after DDay I had a revelation that if I knew that I had done everything that I could do to rebuild our M and it still failed, that I could at least leave the M with a clear conscience. I knew my H was committed to our M, so that was never an issue in our recovery, because he had no intentions of leaving me to be with OW. So I set about reading everything I could, trying to be the best person I could, and working on myself and our M...I accepted responsibility for the pre-A conditions that led him to choose to have an A, but I know that I was not to blame for it....

You will get there...go to counseling with an open mind. You and your H together can make the M stronger than it was before...there is hope...

I should probably chime in here. Some days I feel like we qualify, and other days I don't, so that must mean we're right on target for our stage of recovery, lol.

In spite of all the pain and garbage that have been, and still need to be dealt with, our marriage has been better since day 1 of R than ever before. It's not like it was bad before, because it wasn't, but we are both more thoughtful of each other, and open with each other.

Like Mamafish, the "lightbulb moment" I had was also about my kids.

After D-Day, I was so angry I was ready to bolt. I was looking at real estate that I could afford on my own and making plans for a divorce. But my FWH had expressed what appeared to be sincere remorse, and asked for a second chance.

Every time I looked at my beautiful children, I couldn't escape the thought that I owed it to my kids to give him that chance. How would they feel if, years from now, they learned that they had grown up in a broken home, not because of their dad's affair, but because I had refused to even try and forgive him? I couldn't live with that. If I tried my best and things still didn't work out, then I could divorce with a clear conscience. That made my decision for me.

As for success stories . . .

I am too early on this road to call my marriage a success. But I have come far enough to believe that it will be. And that is saying something, considering where I was just a few months ago. So these are the few words of advice that I can offer:

1) Don't expect too much too fast. And don't let your FWH either. This is going to take time to work through, and that is okay.

2) Make your home a soft place to fall for both of you. Be friends to eachother. I think I was able to let go of my anger (okay, that just sounded like Obi-Wan Kenobi for a minute, lol) because home felt safe to me. We spoke kindly to one another, and talked about things that we used to talk about. I do not feel for him like I used to, but I can say that we are building towards that.

3) Find healthy ways to express what you feel. For me, that has been coming here and reading what others feel, and talking with others about how I feel. I read that others wrote in journals, or wrote a letter to the OW which was ceremonially burned. That sort of thing.

4) Serve your FWH. Someone, who is much wiser than I, once said: "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Matt. 25: 40 Look for simple acts of service you can do. Nothing helps you love someone more than service.

5) Keep your chin up! You are allowed to have bad days. Pick yourself up and try again. You can do this.

God bless,
-CSJ

I think you'll find many success stories of recovered marriages here. I also think you'll find many success stories of people working to "recover" their marriages. We fall in that category. It will be 2 years in June since I found out about my husband's affair. And we are successful in that we are working together toward a strong marriage.

It is hard work. And it is doable.

Together you can do it!

hns

i just have to say... csj, that was beautiful. not to take away from anyone else's responses.... i was rather touched when i read csj's.

cheated on, i'm on the wayword side. i am very lucky, as are my kids. my BH has found enough reasons to give us a second chance. i hope you can find yours.

Hi CO,

Today is my D-day 2 year anniversary...I was sitting right here on the computer when I found out. FWH left for a trip and I found an email to OW on computer...luckily, I found MB that same night.

My story is a little different than yours...FWS and I have been together for 24 years, no kids and his A was for 1 year, actually it continued for 7 months after d-day. NC was finally in place at the end of 2004 after two Plan B's. All of 2005 we were in recovery, but I was not feeling it...wondering why I stick around. A few months ago, I asked H if we should just D since neither one of us was happy...I was very matter of fact...I could move on with my life....then H started to try...really try and the last few months have better.

Last night H left for a trip again and I was thinking how it is different after two years (what Harley's say is minimum recovery time)

Early on....H would say--"I like to being alone." When H left, he said, "I'm lonely already."

Early on...H said, "We have nothing in common." Last night, H said, "We have fun and I want to take you everywhere I go."

Early on...H said, "I NEED to miss you." Last night, H said, "I miss you already."

Early on...H said, "I may never come back home." Last night, H said, "I can't wait for you to join me." (I will be joining him on the trip.)

CO....it really takes time for the sharpness of the pain to subside...but more importantly it takes time to unlearn bad habits and relearn new ones. I think about what I use to do and I cringe when I think of it...but I am trying to be patient with myself and our new M.

I ask myself all the time...why stick around....we don't have kids and "because we have history" is not good enough for me. So why did I stick around? I guess because H is becoming my friend again and because I took a vow which I wanted to keep.

CO, I hope you will give it some time, continue to practice MB and be patient with the process...it really takes awhile..but I think it might just be worth working at. May God keep you safe on this journey, CO.

ss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"A whole life is more than one experience."

Thanks so much for that csj. I never thought of it that way, but it is so true. The fault is now shifted to me.....not fair, but true.

mamafish,
I agree about the children. I keep telling myself that and that they deserve to have us stay together if he is remorseful, which I believe he is.

ss,
I can relate to your story. I also see the difference in my husband the same way you do. He always wants to be around me now. He calls me every chance he gets and leaves me messages when he can't get ahold of me. He, too, told me when he went away the night of the A that I shouldn't come because he wouldn't get to spend much time with me. Now he wants to be with me every second he can.

I must say, though, we did have a GREAT M before the A. We have not yet to find what was lacking except maybe not as much communication as we should have, but we still had a GREAT M, one everyone envied. And that is what makes this all so hard for me. It would make more sense if there were things lacking before. I know, it will never make sense, but it really, really bothers me!! Why would he just go and ruin the M for some worthless girl??

I know it's not fair! I had a bit of resentment over that one, too. Sigh.

((((((((((((((((cheated_on)))))))))))))))))

Oh, how I wish I could look you right in the eyes to say this.
I understand. That same thoughts tortured me for a very long time--and they still rear their ugly head from time to time.

My FWH and I had a good marriage, too. Not perfect, obviously, but things were GOOD. And trying to understand WHY he did this to me--to US--has been such a struggle.

And when I finally got to the point where I felt like I had figured out the WHY--it was dissatisfying to me. Such a stupid reason. And the bottom line is that there isn't a good reason. There isn't an excuse. And in a crazy way, I think it helped me to understand that. You will never find a satisfactory explanation for why it happened. Let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But time and emotional energy is better spent on rebuilding the relationship than on surveying the damage.

Find comfort in knowing that affairs happen in good marriages. When I first started posting, someone gave me a quote by Frank Pittman that helped me. I pass it on here to you--maybe it will speak to you also:

ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.

God Bless,

CSJ

csj,
You are such an inspiration to me. I am really impressed by where you are seeing that your d-day was right before mine. What am I doing wrong??
Thanks for that Romantic Infidelity Story.

I need help with some answers and maybe since you are where you are, you can help me if you don't mind.
If there is anyone else that can answer these for me, your answers would be greatly appreciated also!


Question 1:

How am I supposed to be ok with this? How are we supposed to make sure it doesn't happen again if we don't know WHY it happened? That really bothers me.

Question 2:

I really care for my husband but I am feeling NOTHING between us. When we are together I am bored. Is this normal? How do I get that feeling back?

Question 3:
I have no desire to be nice to him. I feel he doesn't deserve me. How do I change that? See, in our realtionship before the A, I was the giver and he was the taker. That makes this even more of a slap in the face to me.

Question 4:
How do I start the forgiveness process? I have been trying so hard to start that process and I just can't get over what he did. I've been told I have to stop thinking about the past and what happened. But how do I do that with such a tragic event like this?? I will never be able to not think of it. Any advice??

Sorry it has taken me awhile to respond--I was away from my computer over the weekend. Anyhow--I am so sorry for what you are feeling, and I am by no means over it myself. I read somewhere here that it takes about 2 years to recover from an A, so I try to remember that often and not get too impatient. Which is hard, but at least it keeps you realistic.


This has been a sore spot with me, too. Especially because my FWH, like yours, has been unable to give me the reason. I have figured out a few things on my own, but FWH has not been very helpful in that regard. I don't think he is trying to frustrate things, I think he honestly is so disgusted with himself he doesn't want to think back and analyze why his A happened. Maybe your FWH is the same way. Instead of focusing on the negative of "what bad thing in our marriage caused this" I have tried to focus on the positive of "what thing(s) can I do better?" I went through the "Surviving an Arrair" and the Emotional Needs described there with my FWH so we could both focus on better ways to show eachother our love for one another. That has been really helpful to us.


"Question 2:

I really care for my husband but I am feeling NOTHING between us. When we are together I am bored. Is this normal? How do I get that feeling back?"

This, too, is something I cope with. I had an exchange not too long ago with MAMAFISH about that very thing. Gaining these feelings back is a gradual thing, I've come to realize. I think I have pretty much worked through the anger and resentment part, but I have yet to reach the point where I can say I am "in love" with my FWH. I feel more like he and I are really good friends.

Obviously I want more than that from my spouse--but I think it's just going to take some more time to get there. I believe I can. Part of the journey, I think, is learning to meet eachother's EN. The more my FWH tries to show me affection, be a good father, etc., and meet the needs that are important to me, the more I feel my love grow for him. I am trying to do the same thing for him. I really feel like service plays a big role there. Doing meaningful acts of service for our WS's really helps get the love back.


"Question 3:
I have no desire to be nice to him. I feel he doesn't deserve me. How do I change that? See, in our realtionship before the A, I was the giver and he was the taker. That makes this even more of a slap in the face to me."

He doesn't deserve you. And if he has any sense at all, he'd be the first to admit that.

But he USED to deserve you--and you've gotta believe that he can again. It's going to take some time for him to prove himself to you--and he is going to have to do the work. But you can give him a little direction. I've always thought a failing of the male gender was a total inability to read subtlety--and this situation is no different. He may need you to be a bit blunt: "I need you to do X for me."

I think this approach helped me and my FWH. When I filled out the "Emotional Needs Questionnaire" (found on this website or in the "Surviving an Affair" book), I took the liberty to write out A LOT of how I felt. If I'd have said the words out loud, much would have been a LB I think. But to write it out I could pick my words and make it not sound too angry. But I wrote out paragraphs about things that he used to do, and recent gestures, that meant a lot to me. I wrote out "you need to do more of those things." And he took the hint! He surprised me one evening and told me that he had been looking into places we could stay in Tuscany for our 10th Anniversary next summer, and I wanted to cry out of relief to think that he was really, really trying to make things right. He doesn't deserve me--yet. But he could--he can.


"Question 4:
How do I start the forgiveness process? I have been trying so hard to start that process and I just can't get over what he did. I've been told I have to stop thinking about the past and what happened. But how do I do that with such a tragic event like this?? I will never be able to not think of it."

Webster defines "forgive" as "to pardon, to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for an offense." That still strikes a real chord with me--because it contemplates that the penalty is DESERVED. You are entitled to exact punishment, but instead you pardon the offender.

I don't think I can say that I have completely forgiven my FWH for the pain--and for the dark place that I continue to walk through. But the penalty for what he did would have been for me to divorce him. And I have chosen to not exact that penalty. In effect--by choosing to try to keep your marriage together, you are already extending your FWH GRACE. Something beautiful that he didn't deserve. A pardon from the penalty.

It sounds strange, I know, but somehow it makes me feel more like I WANT to forgive my FWH to know that I have already started. It is a process. And as your FWH puts in the effort to deserve your love, the forgiveness will come, too. I believe that for me as well.

God bless all of us on this road. None of us wanted to be here! But I find strength when I realize that, through this whole thing, I am a stronger person than I thought. I like who I am. I like that I can look at my husband and not feel the hate. I like knowing that I can rise above.

You and I will make it, even if we have to drag eachother along!

-CSJ

csj
Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my questions. I appreciate it.
Before I get into your answers, I have exciting news I want to share. I'm not sure if you are christian or not, but if you are you will appreciate this story much more....
Yesterday I was talking with my mom in the morning and telling her how the hardest part for me is not knowing why this happened. She told me to ask God why and that maybe he will give me an answer. Her mom had committed suicide when she was a young girl and she struggled with the same question of why. To make a long story short, God answered her prayer and gave her peace.
I have never really gotten answers from God before. I have always had signs and so forth, but yesterday on my way to IC I decided to ask him that question. All of a sudden this feeling took over me and I felt him working through me answering my question. It all came to me so quickly. I felt God was telling me that he wanted us at this church we are at now and there was NO OTHER WAY to get us there but to do this. There was nothing I could do or say or question. I also feel he told me that he needs my H and me at this church because he needs us for something there in the future. I can't even explain how I felt at that moment.
Just to give you some background.....we had been going to the same church since we got married up until the beginning of last year. We just weren't feeling it anymore, so we stopped attending. We were trying to find a church that we both liked that was good for the kids too. We tried the one we are at now but had no interest in it because it was too big. Two of my brothers go there and kept telling us to try it again, but we wouldn't. We convinced ourselves we didn't want to go to a big church, which it is.
The Sunday after D-day the pastor spoke on forgiveness and my brother, who does sound, always makes a copy and gave it to me and my husband to listen to. After listening to it, we knew we wanted to go to that church again. We would have never given it a second chance if it wasn't for the A. This is all just so unbelievable to me, but I feel so special to have gotten an answer from God on why this happened. I feel now I can truly start the forgiveness process. That one question has been holding me back since this happened.

Ok, now back to the answers.


I totally agree with this. In the beginning of my recovery I told myself I will not do these things anymore. But it is who I am and without it I would be losing a part of me. This also shows our WS's how much effort we are trying to put into this M (In case they haven't figured this out already.) Hopefully, in turn, our WS's will do more for us.


This quote should be put on billboards all over America <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. This is one of the things I wish I knew before. I finally figured this out! So True!


MB is so great thanks to all the people who are there for eachother in this time of need! I hope I can be there for others too! I realize I still have a long, slow road ahead of me and it's good to know MB is going to be there every stop of the way.
____________________
BS (me) 28
WH 30
Married 1997
DD, 8; DD, 4
A - One night stand (10/8/05) followed by e-mail and phone contact.
D-Day 11/23/05
In recovery

I am so glad to hear that you are getting some answers that are meaningful to you! It doesn't make the pain go away, but it's a place to start to move forward, anyway.

It's funny that your church seems to be the answer for you, because I had thought that, in my situation, some added spirituality for my FWH might be the "silver lining." I have always been more overtly religious than my FWH, and frequently ended up taking our kids to church by myself. But in going through the repentance process with our ecclesiastical leader, my FWH is having to shoulder his own load. My going to church doesn't "count" for his spiritual growth. I think it will be a positive thing for him that could benefit our whloe family. I just regret that he couldn't have taken this step on his own--without having it be the fallout of an A.

Prayer is amazing, isn't it? I hadn't thought about praying about the reason for the A, but I have prayed many, many times for help to forgive, and I know that those prayers are being answered, also.

Good for you, c_o, good for you.

God bless,
-C.

csj
I agree with you....I wish it didn't have to come to an A to bring us to this church or, for that matter, to have my husband finally appreciate me.

Right now I plan on focusing on the forgiveness process. I still haven't forgiven him. I have been praying for God to help me with that as well. Any other suggestions?

I was wondering, in our M, my husband has been really strong since this happened. He had had anxiety attacks and crying spells in the beginning, but after seeking God more, he has been a lot stronger than me. Although, it seems as though whenever I get into an OK place, he seems to be down. Is that how it is with your M? I think maybe he tries to be strong for me when I am down and when I begin to improve, he just shows me more of what he is actually going through because he knows I can handle it at that point. I just hope it doesn't bring me down too then.

Have a good day!

--CO

CO-

For us, my FWH has been pretty up-beat for the past few months. Since I have known him, he has always been a very reserved person and rarely verbally expresses any of his negative feelings. Probably not very healthy, but I think he likes to think of himself as a "strong, silent type."

After DDay, however, he was more emotional than I had ever seen him. He wept--WEPT!!! I had never seen that before. I think I actually felt worse for him than I did for myself for a time. That may be what carried me through Christmas, actually. But since then, he has seemed very positive and doesn't appear upset at all. We talk a lot, about everything BUT his A.

Part of me feels this is good, because I think the positive tone at home has really helped me to not be angry. Plus, he is making some real efforts to spend more time with me, meet my needs, and focus on our girls. And it always brings a smile to my face to see him playing with the kids. He never did that during his A.

But part of me feels awkward, because I am sure that he still feels guilt and pain for what he did, and he is not expressing that. And I rarely express the hurt that I continue to feel--mostly because I know that it would be hurtful to him for me to walk around the house crying all the time. It has been nice to have this forum to express all of that.

The forgiveness thing is going to be hard for all of us here. I haven't forgiven him yet, but I am in a place where I believe that I can. And that is such an improvement from where I was before! I honestly didn't even want to try in the beginning. So I do feel hope for my family, and that really keeps me going.

One day at a time!

-CSJ