I'm trying to put myself in the BW's position. I receive a communiqué from a complete stranger telling me that that my H had an affair 2 years ago. And what evidence does this complete stranger have? The word of the alleged affair partner who is actually a complete stranger, other than some contact on a message board, to the person telling me about the affair. And I am supposed to believe this second hand account over the word of my H. Any WH who couldn't talk his way out of that one must be in a persistent vegetative state.

I think in order to expose one needs to have some real evidence or first hand knowlege to expose. "Someone on a message board told me your H used to screw around with her" just doesn't count as either, IMO.

He doesn't want to involve others in our situation. Also, we still run the same risk if someone, even anonymous, called this woman. This OM or his wife could still call our house as a result of informing her this way. I am sure the OM still has our phone number. This could still cause havoc for our marriage and family if this would happen and our daughters were exposed.

edited to add: As stated by the above poster, we both believe the OM would lie to his wife if informed this way too. I even believe he would flat out lie to her if I called her myself.

I cannot bring this up again with my husband at this time. It caused alot of stress last night between us.

"2BNormal, did your H explain why he is not willing to go this route? What is his reasons for this? I mean, this would have been the perfect opportunity for OM's W to get the truth without getting you OR your H involved. Would you be willing to go this route if your H agreed to it?"

And betray her H yet again? Is that what you are asking?
Her H says he wants no contact with these people, he says he doesn't want 2B to have contact either. He wants these people out of his marriage forever. I think, obviously a minority view here, that this man has the right to decide what he wants in his marriage; especially considering what he as been on the receiving end of.

Let this go 2B and get on with your life.

Actually, 2BN was willing to let this go after the radio show the other day. It was all the contrary advice here that convinced her to follow up with DR H again and bring this up to her H one more time.

At this point, I DO think it's in her M's best interest to drop it completely. Continued talk (disagreement) on an area that they've already resolved will do nothing but make matters worse.

Interesting to note that Dr H DID tell her to stick with her H's choice in this.

Point: Sometimes even SH will tailor the advice to fit the situation...not everything is an ALWAYS proposition.

Elspeth, I understand what you’re saying and your arguments are valid. I’m just concerned about the fact that without going this route, the BW might NEVER have a chance to learn the truth about her H’s adultery (especially since the A was physical and involved sex). Obviously 2BNormal’s H will not become willing to call OM’s W and 2BNormal will not be allowed to call her either. So where does this leaves the BW? Maybe the OM slept/is sleeping with other woman too and his poor BW doesn't have a chance to protect herself from it...

I understand a third person is not the perfect way to expose to the BW (especially if it’s coming from a person on a message boards who doesn’t have first hand knowledge and real evidence)…I was just thinking that this route would be better than nothing.

No, not at all... HUHH??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add:
I agree it's for 2BNormal and her H to decide. And they have already decided - so obviously she has to move on from this. I was just trying to help and offer my opinion. That's all.

Suzet,
Let me explain further. My husband doesn't like forums at all. He doesn't like the idea of talking to a bunch of anonymous people and getting advice from people he doesn't know. He would much rather talk to people in person than on a forum. I have found this site helpful to me for my recovery, but my husband doesn't view this forum the same way.

That said, he would not want some anonymous person from this forum of which he doesn't have any idea of who they are, contacting this woman or getting involved in our situation.

I understand this...and for pre-caution purposes I would suggest you to change your phone numbers in case this would happen.

I understand... As I have said earlier, I was just trying to help AND I'm feeling sad for the BW who will never have the chance to learn the truth about her H. Oh well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Suzet,
I know you were trying to help and I appreciate that. My husband and I both feel bad for this woman. I hope that no one here believes that we feel otherwise.

We did discuss different scenerios in which we could let her know. He thought about calling the OM himself and giving him a chance to tell his wife on his own. This OM does not know that I revealed to my husband all of our secret further communications from Oct. 2003 - August 2004. I explained this to my husband that this OM could still be in this "fantasy" about me and possibly contact me in the future.

After discussing the different scenerios, my husband still made the decision that we will not contact either the OM or his wife at this time. IF this former OM should contact me in the future, we will take action then. And, you never know, my husband may decide on his own at a later date that he does want to contact this woman.

I hope that you all understand that I have to let this go.

I do understand 2BNormal... I know you are a good person who is trying to do the best for your M and honor your H's feelings & decisions. But I do hope on some later stage things will work out in such a way that the BW will get the chance to be informed about the past A.

Best wishes to you, your M and continuous recovery 2BNormal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2B, your gut instinct seems to be that you are uncomfortable continuing to re-hash this issue with your H. Listen to that; your M is of primary importance. Elspeth, I completely concur with your thought that hearing such news from a complete stranger will, at best, generate disbelief. At worst, it seems cruel.

2BN,

I think you should concede to your H in this, then. It sounds like he knows precisely what he wants.

This POJA you did with H does not sound quite right, IMO. He stated what he wanted and that was it. Period. Does not seem like enthusiastic agreement to me. But I enthusiastically agree with you, time to let it go now.

You might think a bit about a contingency plan for when OM's BW does find out, though. They usually and eventually do, you know. What do you and H plan to do when she calls then?

Your H is afraid of anyone else at all finding out about your As? Like Dr H, I am concerned he may not recover long-term very well then. Stuffing it, sounds more like it. Watch out for the five year mark.

You know, one thing Dr H does adamantly state is the children should be told. That was in the thread last week. He went through infidelity as a child and he strongly believes children should be told the truth (age appropriately as they grow).

One last clarification: The underlying assumption with my offer to speak to OM’s BW is that I do have some proof to give her. There was just enough proof in the anonymous letter OM’s BW and I received for me to believe the person knew what they were talking about. I would not have been anonymous, and I would have offered to remain as a go-between so she did not have to call you or your H directly.

With prayers, especially for OW's BW,

Aphelion...sometimes it is easier to advise what we think is the right thing to do in others lives; it would be no skin off your back to call this BW.
However, what would you do in this example below?

EXAMPLE:
Let's say your sister confided to you that she had an affair two years ago with a man from her previous church. She has had no contact with him for 2 years except one email 15 months ago where she told him it is over and not to contact her anymore. We will assume that her husband knows and the WH'S wife doesn't know.

Would you break this confidence and immediately run to the wife of the man she had an affair with to inform her. (For her own good?)

Would you make sure your sister's children and the BW's children knew also?

If you are going to give this ADVICE, you have to believe it is the right thing in your own family's situation. True?

Your answer will be either "Yes" or "No" on what YOU would do.

I am just curious what you would do in a real life situation instead of an over the Internet situation with someone that is anonymous to you that you really know very little about.

(Threadjack:)



Aphelion (or anyone else), could you point me to this thread? I must have missed it somehow and I'm curious about the discussion about telling children.

Thanks,

G

Why would children need such harmful info? I cannot understand that...

Amphelion,
I appreciate your willingness to help, but as I stated in an earlier post, my husband is not willing to let an anonymous person on this forum contact this woman or get involved in our situation.

All I can ask is to pray for this OM's W. Pray that she will be exposed in one way or another (either by us or some other means) and for God to direct the way and timing. There are several of the OM's friends that do know of our A. But, they are not the kind of people that would tell his wife. They actually encouraged him to come see me. But, you just never know who God may use to tell his wife.

About exposing children...I am not sure why you would do so unless there was a reason they need to know. I am sure that Dr. Harley was traumatized as a child if there was infidelity in his family. If the reason for telling children is to help them not make the same mistakes, then I'm not sure that exposing them will always help them not make the same mistakes as their parents. The 2nd OM's father in my situation committed adultery and left the OM's mother when the OM was young. This greatly affected his life and he vowed that he would NEVER do this to his wife. Well, he committed adultery not once, but twice with me being the 2nd.

There may be valid reasons for telling children in certain situations and I can accept that. But, I don't believe that it is a must in every situation. Our MC did not recommend this to us and she knew our entire situation.

2BN,
I'm going to pray for you. I think the guilt of her not knowing is going to eat you alive. I'm sorry you can't put this to rest. Despite the fact that you are dropping it with your husband, you are not dropping it in your heart.

Maybe before long you'll be in a place in your recovery where you can bring it up to your husband and he'll see that you can't get past this until all the shadows are cleared out.

Thank you moveforward. I have been praying about this today and I believe that prayer is the "action" I need to take right now. God knows my heart and God answers prayers. He may not answer them how I want them answered, but I'm believing on a way for this to happen!

IWRA,

Short answer: Yes.

But, as with 2BN’s situation, the devil is in the details. And there are usually an awful lot of details.

No adultery in my family, anywhere, that I know of. Pretty sure, actually. But just the same, I have finally figured out, at the ripe old age of 55, hiding truth always makes things worse in the long run. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Pretending things are not what they are is very harmful over time to everyone, including the individuals at the root of the problem. Especially them.

Contacting OM’s BW would be a lot of skin off my nose, actually. Not something I would look forward to nor really want to do. I just feel so bad for her. Altruism? Maybe. I have been known to go way out of my way to help strangers IRL. This seems not much different. Besides, I’m a ten-year LTA BH with multiple D-Days. I sure wish someone had clued me in before D-Day 1, but at any point in time would have helped me. Such a kindness during the LTA from even a stranger would have been appreciated. (Some of FWW’s friends did know and kept the secret. I have not forgiven them yet, but I am working on it. I don’t think they care if I do or don’t though.)

This is all moot, you know. 2BN and her H have decided. I congratulate 2BN on talking to her H about doing the right thing and following his wish/demand in this. That is good, in general. I just don’t believe her H is making the right choice for long term personal and M recovery. IMO, stuff is still being swept under the rug. This whole issue of exposure to OM’s BW looks sort of like the canary in the coal mine, to me, regarding 2BN’s husband’s personal recovery. Makes me feel bad. Like watching the plot of an opera unfold. You know where it’s all going to end up after the first aria.

Anyway, there you have it. And I’m sorry, but if you want to argue for argument sake I am not your man. The personal improvement part of my Plan A was/is not to argue any more with anyone when I don’t have to. Sometimes, not even when I do feel I have to.


OK, let’s see if I can get this lousy search function to work….

Here is one of the threads, there were two of them going if I remember correctly, that talks about letting the children know the age appropriate truth:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

Stupid search function couldn’t find itself in a room lined with mirrors….

Post #2952405 - 02/28/06 01:26 PM especially. As usual, you have to filter a lot of noise on a thread to get to the information content.

For context, I told DS11 the age appropriate truth, almost right away, at the recommendation of an MB trained marrriage coach. When FWW finally came out of the fog (at about nine months) she did also, but only at the insistence of DS’s child psychologist. DS asked additional questions for a few months then he felt lot better. He felt more protected, valued and included is the way I would put it.

Added: And DS has learned something important about marriage - it isn't all rosy light, happy feelings and easy sledding. I belive he will choose a life partner much more wisely when the time comes than he would have otherwise. He has even told me this.

With prayers,