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#1610877 03/12/06 12:11 PM
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I've been lurking, but never seem to post anymore because I never have anything important to say. But I'm stuck and could use some friendly advice.

It's been almost a year since the D. XH is still seeing the same girl. The D was ugly, but we both have done a lot of growing. I have dated a lot, but have not found one that keeps my attention for very long. Overall I am happy, but to be honest a bit lonely for male companionship. However I could have it, but I'm just never really overly interested in the men that I meet.

So here is the problem. My XH has been acting really nice to me. He has done some kind things and seems to find excuses to call me and then starts talking about other things (like we are friends). He also has apologized for how he treated me, said I didn't deserve it and how he is living with regrets and kicks himself for his decisions everyday. He has made comments to me about his GF that hints that he isn't as interested in her. He makes comments about me moving on and how happy I appear and that he probably did me a favor. I don't know what to say back. He is flirty when he picks up our DD and stays longer than he needs to.

I'm really scared right now. I feel myself falling for him and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I still love him or if I am just lonely. I have prayed for the answers, but I sooo confused. His mom told me that she has never seen the spark between GF and that EX has been talking a lot about me saying nice things. So I was thinking that he was seeing his mistakes and I would ride it out and see what came of it all.

Then, he invites me to have cake at his place for our DD b-day. I immediately ask if GF was going to be there. Yes, she is. Well I can't go. I hate her and I'm know she is imitated of me. So what was he thinking??? In the end, he states that he can't tell GF that she can't be there because she is very good to DD. So that leaves Mom out in the cold. Not a big deal because I had my own party for DD, but it hurt. I felt like GF was again being picked over me. I know we are D'ed and I am not first, but i cried because I hate the feeling of being replaced. Then he offers to bring DD home so I can spend the evening with her on her b-day. He comes in and wants to know what I want from him. I can't figure him out.

How can I keep a clear head here? I don't know if he is just being friendly or if he could be interested again. I know that if he thinks there is no chance with me he won't even try to change things. But I can't set myself up for more hurt and I don't even know what I want for sure. I am just very scared because I find myself thinking about him more and looking pretty when he comes to pick up DD. My counselor is sick and I haven't been there for 2 months and I am really scared. Any advice would be appreciated.

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I'm really not the best on advice, but I'll give it a go...

He is still seeing the GF? Then his words and actions don't really mean that much (or anything, really...) So don't fall for it. If he wasn't seeing anyone, maybe...

But until then?

An ex is an ex for a reason...


Me:29
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"...cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do..." - Jack Johnson, "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing", 2005
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Thanks - you are so right. His actions have never matched his words. I guess that is why I had to D him. I just hate the fact that I am allowing myself to be pulled back in. I know that I am and I don't know how to stop it. It is really scary to me. I am analyizing every word and action. Each time that I think time has helped heal wounds, I am back chasing a life that just doesn't seem meant to be. A life where there always seem to be another woman involved. Why can't I just let go and live my life???

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Nothing wrong with you. I went thru the same thing

You no longer have expectation on him. This cause less disagreements and less arguements.

I guess he is having more arguements with his gf than he does with you so this makes you very attractive. This is why he is suddenly so friendly.

Keep your relationship at friendship level and dont fall for the trap. You need to protect your heart or you will hurt again.

Just keep moving on and dont wait for him.


BS age 38 Sep 03 DDay 30 June 05 Divorce
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I am really trying to move on and with a date last night and one tomorrow with another guy I am. However, I can't get X out of my thoughts. I so need to protect my heart, but I just not sure how. I hate the fact that I am willing to put aside all the pain and crap he put me thru and suddenly I am like a school girl with the "what if" thinking. I am too old for this garbage and I am clearly setting myself up. What is the answer for walking away once and for all?

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You need the strength & confidence to know you're not with him because he's not worthy.

You say his actions & words have never matched up. That's all you need to remember.

I like Zizzy's point about you being more attractive now because you aren't in a position to be in conflict with him. It's like child birth, we forget the pain.

Don't be so hard on yourself with the what if thinking. The reality of that is this, what if he were a different person than he is now, would things be better? Yeah, they would because he'd be a...DIFFERENT PERSON.

I don't know if it's reasonable to expect to completely move on without any backward glances & only joy in your heart for the future. This man was a significant part of your life, you can't just wipe it all away. You can remember the pain & why you aren't with him & let that give you strength to know it can't work.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


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[color:"green"]Hi Lucky,

After my first divorce my ex - who is not a "bad" man was very nice to me. Over time we grew to be friends again. I always looked back wondering if I had been older or more experienced, would we have been able to work things out.

Fast forward to my current age. My first ex had a heart attack a few years back, and being his friend, I flew in to take care of him. With age and experience, I was able to clearly see the behaviors that I had been uneasy about then, but was able to label now.

Just because some time has passed and your ex is not a bad person does not mean that the things that made you "gut" clench are not real. The behaviors that drove you from him are still there.

V. [/color]

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(((Lucky Star)))

I read you post and truly did not wish to respond but it kept tugging at me so here goes….


“””It's been almost a year since the D…..The D was ugly”””

This should be an indicator to you that personal recovery and going through the grieving process is going to take time. Many experts believe that to be 1 year to recover for every 3-5 years of marriage. Many on this site have argued and most were wrong, it is what it is.

“””It's been almost a year since the D….. I have dated a lot”””

I see this as a HUGE RED FLAG to recovery. When you are not healed and you date A LOT, it tends to mask your emotions and delay your recovery. Just a couple days ago xPB posted “Emotionally unhealthy people attract emotionally unhealthy people.” Maybe that has something to do with your dating trends.


“””It's been almost a year since the D….. He is flirty when he picks up our DD and stays longer than he needs to.”””

Why are you allowing him to continue to hurt you?

“””It's been almost a year since the D….. I'm really scared right now.”””

When you are scared, it’s no time to make any type of life changing decision. Heal and grow to the point where you are not scared, then make a decision.

“””It's been almost a year since the D….. I felt like GF was again being picked over me.”””

DUH!!!! You are divorced and he has a girlfriend and if what you are saying is true it sounds like he’s also trying to get Another Woman and that would be you. Of course, he’s smart so he’s not going to let go of who he’s sleeping with until he knows he has you. Does that sound healthy?

“””It's been almost a year since the D….. But I can't set myself up for more hurt and I don't even know what I want for sure.”””

But dear, that is exactly what you are doing right now.

“””It's been almost a year since the D….. My counselor is sick and I haven't been there for 2 months.”””

Get back into counseling. If your counselor is going to be out much longer then I’d highly recommend you find a new one.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
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Thanks again for the responses. I am much more emotionally sound now. I hate hormones and how crazy they can make me feel.

So much of what was said is true. He's acting like he's changed but it doesn't really matter. He still has his GF and we are D. I know I set myself up, but I find I enjoy being with him. Therefore, like always I allow boundaries to be crossed.

Thanks for sharing that story Sunnyv. YOu are so right. The behaviors that drove me away are still there. It is just hard sometimes to see thru them.

LH,
I have read your posts so many times and you always have such good advice. Again this is true. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really like how you took my words and then responded. It made me really think about what I said and I saw hollowness in my words. I haven't dated anyone for any length of time. I can't seem to find a guy I like well enough. I know healing time can be long, but I felt like I was moving on. I am happy. I know that I don't need a man and I am very picky in looking. I was just so surprised when he starting behaving this way that I immediately jumped into the "what if's". I don't like myself for that. It scared me that he still had that much power over me. I'm hoping that with time that will pass.
I'm praying for strength and guidance nightly.

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There is nothing wrong with you. Your ex wants to have the birthday cake and eat it too! He probably doesn't want you, as evidenced by his behavior the night of the birthday party, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He's just trying to control you and keep you from dating and finding happiness with someone else. I would stop dating for awhile, though, until you find happiness with yourself. You won't find it with someone else without finding it within first.


Me 40 H 46 Married 20 years 2 DD 1 DS No affairs, but no SF since 11/05.
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I agree with CantHurt. This is an attempt by your ex hubby to control you, and perhaps to allow him to have something on the side (you!) in case g/f decides to dump him.

You deserve better.

I would think even a mediocre guy who treats you well would be preferable to getting involved with ex-hubby. My guess is you may be remembering the wonderful past days and not what he recently did to you. I did the same thing with my WXW. At times I even dream that she comes back to me!! But, then reality hits and I realize I am much better off dating a mediocre woman than with her.


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I'm curious: a lot of the comments in this thread speak to motivations and such behind the ex-husband's behavior that are neither stated nor implied by the original post. Are folks drawing on previous posts and discussions to come up with these theories on why the ex is behaving as he is?

I ask because I treat my ex-wife very well. I am kind to her. I provide her with assistance I am not legally obligated to provide. I send her friendly text messages and emails on holidays and birthdays. When she calls I do chat with her and prolly stay on the phone longer than I need to. I even include poems in the envelope each month with the equity buy-out check I give her. I'm not trying to control her. I'm not trying to get a little on the side. I'm not trying to woo her or win her back. I still love her, although I seriously doubt I could ever be married to her again, and I simply feel so much better when I'm kind and generous to her than when I'm formal and distant and "professional" with her.

Could it be the guy is simply being kind or is there a history everyone else is aware of that I'm not that strongly indicates otherwise?


and I knew then that I would have to live, and go on living: what a sorrow it was; and still what sorrow burns but does not destroy my heart --Jane Kenyon
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hey, i just read the question about what is wrong with me? it seems to me that you are doing your part and then some. everybody is different. you know like icecream, chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry?, well you can only do so much! you really deserve so much credit for all you do and for the positive approach your taking. when you give and not take you receive so much in return. you seem to be the type of man that will in time have the person in your life you deserve. communication and dedication will play a big part, and believe me it will be more than you could have ever asked for. keep up with the good intentions and hard work.

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mikeb9, go back and re-read her second-to-last paragraph. That's where I'm made my assumption and jumped to my conclusion. Now that I also go back and re-read it, I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe since things were going well between them, he thought she could handle being around the GF? Maybe he was trying to build an amicable relationship and luckystar was reading more into it than her ex intended. I think she just needs to flat out ask him what his intentions are. Even if he's unhappy with the GF, that does not necessarily mean he wants back with the wife.


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JustinExplorer,
I like the idea of a mediocre guy being better than my X, but I am yet to find one. I am so picky. Almost to the point that I know I have let some really nice/good men go because I couldn't get into them. But I'm willing to except my X back, a guy that ripped my insides out and then walked away. Does that make sense?

I'm really confused by his actions and I'm glad to see others questioning his motivations. I see him searching for answers. Probably answers that he should of looked for while I was trying to save the M. I honestly believe that the issues that he never tackled are creeping up again. I don't think he is happy with GF. He seems to try to feel out where I am at. Saying things like I am so happy now.I am better off without him that he did me a favor. Then he looks at me waiting for my response, which I never give one.
Does he want to control me? I don't know. He could of cared less months ago if I was seeing someone. In fact he told me I had to move on with my life. Now I see him really interested in what I am doing in my life. I find him calling often for dumb reasons and he stays much longer than he should. If the GF knew how I was being treated, she would be very upset. No boundaries have been crossed and I would never be the other woman. I just feel myself getting closer to him and I find it very scary. I don't know if I still love him or I am just missing the attention that a man could give. I hate myself for even wondering what could happen.

Could he just be trying to build an amicable relationship? Yes, I know that he thinks it is important that our DD sees us getting along. But sometimes when he calls he doesn't even ask to speak to her. Or he calls me when he has her and I have to ask to speak to her.

I would love to come out and ask, but that would only show my cards again. I put my heart out there too many times. I can't do it again and I don't even know where my heart really is. I know if he thinks there is no chance he won't even make the attempt. But if he just wants to see if I am still there waiting - then I fell into the trap. And if i did ask, I know he doesn't know where he is at. In fact he has said that to me on different occasions, but we weren't really talking about us or even his relationship with GF, but i think he was trying to tell me something. I may be reading into things, but i think he is looking at me differently and wondering. I don't think he knows if he wants me or not, but I think he is questioning it.

At this point, I recognize the only thing I can do is go along for the ride and see what plays out. I think time will tell if he is trying to come back, playing, or thinking we are friends. I just think there is too much flirting for friends, but what do I know? I am scared that as we go through this I will want it more and more. Is there a way to protect myself without completely turning my bback on a possiblity?

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LS,

To me,this last paragraph says a lot and you need a reminder.You are spinning your wheels on "what if's" yet the fact remains: he is still with the GF.And,if he was interested in you again,then why be with her? If he is intersted in you,then doesn't that signal to you that he is now looking to jump to the next thing to make himself feel better than being committed to one person? What about the GF? What if they have talked about marriage or being engaged? What lies has he possibly told her that he could be undermining right now? Who knows?

If it's one thing that has always remained true on MB is that actions speak louder than words.Always tell yourself that.And,another important fact that I have always said is that you have to be comfortable alone and being on your own before you can be with someone else.Otherwise you are always looking to be fulfilled by someone and what they can do for you.And,he is going to have to do the work himself first,no prodding or encouragement to break it off with the GF if you are suddenly available.That shouldn't be the prize.He should want to be with you for having grown and learned from his mistakes and have a deep respect for you and what marriage and relationships are.Not because he's bored or disillusioned with the GF.

You are scared,IMO,because the red flags are going up about getting involved with him again.You were burned badly the first time and now your intuition is telling you to stay away from the fire.There's no indication,from what I have read,that anything has changed for this man.If he has feelings for you still then let him speak it,not play games.

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Quote
JustinExplorer,
I know I have let some really nice/good men go because I couldn't get into them. But I'm willing to except my X back, a guy that ripped my insides out and then walked away. Does that make sense?

No, it doesn't. And you know that.

You must start socializing with and dating other men. Otherwise you have nothing to compare your ex with except lonliness and what-might-have been. Your ex and his what-might-have-beens will probably look good compared to being lonely.

It's time to build a bridge and get over him.

Building the bridge can be fun. Start learning about yourself. Go to some divorce recovery and support groups. Take classes. Pick up that hobby or interest you always wanted to do. Travel!

Right now I am dating a wonderful woman who is fabulous. One thing I know for sure is that being with her, even if it only last a few year or months, is far better than being with ex wife. But, if I was sitting home alone even ex-wife would start to look good. YIKES!!!


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X is really starting to confuse me. Yes, he still has GF, but is clearly not happy with her. He is confessing a lot lately. He sees his mistakes and is taking ownership for them. He told me he believes he screwed up and we could of worked things out. I see him wondering. I am concerned with wanting both or just getting bored with GF, but GF is his bosses daughter that he works with. So I also recognize that leaving her isn't going to be a simple thing. He hasn't stated his intentions yet and I am waiting until he does.

I am trying to move on. I want to see what else is out there. But after a year I have met only two that I was interested in and both ended up not being so interested in me. Others were, but I just didn't click with them. I don't understand men. For instance, I met a nice guy Thursday night. We exchanged numbers and I have yet to hear from him. I thought for sure he was interested.

I am very happy in my life and very busy raising my DD. However I am seeking a BF. I would love to know what "love" could be like with someone else before I even thought of giving my X another chance, but timing seems so poor. I may be wrong, but I see my X coming back. I guess I just need to observe all behaviors and try to keep an open mind without getting sucked in.

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[color:"green"]It almost seems as if he is setting you up as the new "other woman". Maybe he likes a lot of drama in his life.

It is a boundary violoation on his part to be discussing his personal life with his GF with you - how fair is that to her? He sets you up as his confidant and co-conspirator.

I would opt out of the drama. You don't want to hear what is going on in his life. Let him figure out his own problems.

V. [/color]

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first of all, i ask this question "what's wrong with me" every day. it's nice to read someone else asking the question esp from a female perspective.

there's nothing wrong with you except that you are letting him dictate your emotions or at least your emotional response to this situation.

i agree with the above post in that you are becoming the other woman to satisy his need for romantic drama. don't let him do that.

my stbx and i are starting to act civil to each other after five months of crazy. she's lost weight, started taking care of her self, and is obviously dating and or looking to do so. my interest in her romantically is nil. it's over. both of us are moving on and just concentrating on getting the d final and our daughter's well being.

i suggest the same for you. the ex is missing you, or at least the thought of you and that's his problem. don't let his problem become your problem.


I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be (my) style.
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.
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