Just a question I have for WW, FWW, and any female who's willing to answer.

My FWW has told me that sex with the other men didn't mean anything, it was meaningless. Two weeks ago we were talking about this and I asked her if sex with me (her husband) always had to mean something or if she could ever have meaningless sex with me? You know, a quickie here and there and so on. Her answer was "Not with you". What was that supposed to mean? To me that says "When we have sex, I want to feel emotionally connected but when I do it with others, it's meaningless".

I know that for a woman sex can be very emotional, but why does she say that with other men it was meaningless but with me it always has to mean something.

My question: Is it possible for a woman to have meaningless sex with her husband or is it always supposed to be this big emotional connection, love making thing?

The way I see it, there is always that connection between man and wife anyways and if a WS has sex with someone else, there will always and forever be a connection between them even if they believe it was meaningless.

Hope this wasn't too confusing.

For women in general, there is an emotional connection with SF. That's why I had my A; my EN were not being met at home. Your WW may have been trying to spare your feelings, however misguided that attempt was.

well in my case

there was no emotional connection in sex with OM. I would have been just as happy to just talk and spend time with OM...but you see if we weren't talking sexual or being sexual - then we didn't talk about anything else...and when we talked about everything else it made me feel good, alive, happy, etc...so sex for me was a way of giving him what he wanted which made me feel good - but ultimately a way to get what i wanted - since during that time I was very sefish and it was all about me feeling good..........

as for with my husband - sex has always been meaningful with him. for me - if I didn't want it with him - I rejected him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> There is a connection for my husband and I...there is a love there that even though I thought it to be gone, really wasn't - it's just deep and layered....and totally different than any other love....

Oh, and allow me to clarify one more thing. I did not have my A because my ENs weren't being met. I had my A because I too was selfish and only thinking of what I wanted. My husband wasn't meeting my ENs, but, rather than approaching him, I pursued my own self-centered route.

Hey Beatndown

You make a good point with this thread! It would be interesting to get the view of the women who have had affairs to get there input.

I heard the same thing that the sex was meaningless. I do not believe it for a second but my STBXW said the same thing. My wife refused to have meaningless sex with me our whole marriage so that does not make any sense.

I think it is just an excuse to try and save our male ego's. I don't believe for a minute that it was meaningless. If it was meaningless then why do it.

I am sure it was exciting and better than what I could give her. I mean if I would have gone and found a "Hot" looking chick with big boobs I bet I would tell my wife it was meaningless too. At least to try and minimize her pain.

Pretty much what Dorry said. I fantasized that sex with OM was going to be like being "swept away" (ick gag)but the truth is I just wanted the attention. The sex was not fulfilling or meaningful. Frankly I had sex with OM very few times and mostly just to keep getting my needs met. All the time I knew it was wrong and it felt dirty. I remember crying after a few times.

Ihad: You obviously are not a woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Sex is different for us. There has to be a deep emotional committment for me, however since I grew thinking the only way to get love from men was through sex, I used it. Same thing with OM. I do not have fond memories of sex with the OM. Sex within marriage is highly fulfilling when both partners are fully committed.

Thank you all for your input.

One more thing I want to add,

What are some things that make sex with your husband an absolutely fulfilling thing for you. Is it different for every woman or are there similiarities?

My wife says she's only turned on about 50% of the time we have sex and she cries after sometimes or gets upset when she isn't fulfilled.

What do you suggest I could do to make it a better experience for her so that it doesn't look like it's about me or that I'm using her as she puts it sometimes?

Dorry...this answer is EXACTLY what my FWW said...word for word...except she added she was "not even remotely attracted to him"...


This is a question that I still ponder, even now. I do not get it. As a man I never had that be an issue. To be honest this is one of the statements that hurt me deeply....and in a way always will....

Well this is what Dr.Harley said.

"Sex is actually not the driving force in most affairs -- it is conversation and affection. In fact, most people who have affairs regard the sex as a minor player. What they appreciate the most about the relationship is the love and acceptance that is communicated in their conversation. But sex is usually the inevitable outcome, and since sex works best with great conversation and affection, the sex is also great."

My OM wasn't even that good looking - i never found him handsome - I told him he was. But he was smooth - his words could make me feel like I was a supermodel - super woman - he could put me up on cloud 1 million when he started talking. I would have done ANYTHING to keep feeling that way.....

I think that your wife must have some underlying problems. Crying after SF is a warning sign. Has she ever been sexually abused?

believer,

W's dad has sexually abused two of W's cousins when they were young but W says she hasn't been sexually abused but wonders if he has and she doesn't remember. He has though physically beat her up and things like that.

Hmmmmm. I wonder. Has she been promiscuous?

yup, that's how i found this site.

She has been with 7 other men during the 1 month we were separated. Sounds insane doesn't it?
Well....it is. Much of that had to do with the dump she worked at. It was a pub or coffee shop but at night it was a bar/crap hole. All these men hitting on her all the time and her loving to dance ended up in her making stupid choices.


That's why I have a hard time understanding or believing her when she says sex is no big thing for her.

With us already having problems and all those a**holes hitting on her buying her drinks basically put me in no-man's land.

It makes me so angry sometimes.

I completely agree with Dorry and FF. SF was about getting the other needs met. Not because there was love. Dorry explained it very well.

I, like FF, had used SF in the past to feel valued/loved. So, it was a natural progression to that with OM. I have always had SF too early...in all my relationships.

SF/sexual activity with OM was meaningless. It was dirty and made me feel awful, but I was too weak at that point to be willing to stop having my ENs met by him.

SF with my H (currently WH) was so much better, and more meaningful. Even if it was a "quickie", it meant something. After awhile, I had lost my desire to have SF with him because I felt he did not love me anymore and I felt used. It was a visious cycle with each of us not getting needs met, and not putting forth the effort to meet the other's needs (though WH seems to feel he was the only one not getting his needs met). And, round and round we went. My ENs were not being met and it did affect my libido. As Dorry said, the love gets buried under pain and resentment and it does affect a woman. But, I have also learned that it is not my H's (nor anyone else's) job to make me happy. I need to get that from me...and now I am and I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life, depite what is happening.

Hope this helps.

Okay, beatndown, I think you know that this has nothing to do with where she works. It has nothing to do with your sexual techniques, or her love for you. It is all about her issues with her family of origin.

I see that your wife is very young. Please INSIST that she get some long term individual counseling. Until she has recovered, I hope that you won't have any children.

sfjaj - Allow me to applaud you for the honesty. It's refreshing to see someone admitt something like this.

I cried after SF because I was not able to O (due to health problems at the time) and this was very frustrating. How well are you meeting this need? Is there any foreplay, oral sex, etc.? Do you hold her? Think of what you did sexually when you were first in love and that will clue you into what you should be doing now.

My WH told me he thought I had a "sexual problem", which was insulting as I have always been a very sexual person. Again, in the beginning of a relationhip, the man meets the ENs of affection and conversation, gives gifts, is very thoughtful, takes you out to special places, lots of foreplay and SF is longer and more effort is put out, etc. All of this makes the woman feel sexual towards a man. I explained this to my H a few times. It's easier to believe I have a problem I guess, than trying to understand and meet my needs, so I will want SF more. When we were first dating and he was meeting ENs, SF was great. We had a bad year, with little SF (medical issues), which started the cycle of not getting needs met on both our parts.

A man needs SF to feel loved, a woman needs to feel loved to want SF. It is as simple as that.

believer,

we have 1 daughter. That's what made things extra extra tough because she turned 1 the month we were separated and later found out she was with OM the night before.

She only started to be totally honest with me this past January when she told me there had been 7 a**holes. I believe that one because we met with our pastor that night and he told her if she wanted to work on our marriage that she would have to be totally honest with me and she promised. But now it seems like she wants me to get passed all that and right away meet all her needs and ignoring how I feel inside.
She complained the other night that I did too much research on why WS screw up and all that crap that they do during and after and not enough research on how to meet her needs.