I am coming to you guys for advise and a little perspective on where he is coming from.
I am 28 never been married. He is 36 and divorced for 1 and half years. We began dating the same month his divorce became final (after 1 year separation). It is a great relationship and I want this man to be my husband. We discussed our "intentions" last night and found that while he loves me and sees me as a future wife and mother to our kids he is absolutely terrified.
On his side: they dated a long time, the marriage was short and the divorce was bitter. He was a constant giver and depleted quickly. He has enjoyed the freedom associated with not being married, of giving to himself.
On my side: I have felt alone most of my life and fiercely independent. I have found the man I want to share everything with, who it is OK to lean on and share with. I love him and wan to marry him.
What can I do to calm his fear?
And what REALLY is he afraid of?

[color:"green"]GG,

I don't know that there is anything that you can say to calm his fears - either he is ready or he is not.

If you are ready, what are the reasons that you want to cement the relationship? Are you wanting to have children soon?

When I was your age, I wanted to have children with my ex and told him that I would give him two years to move forward or I would break it off with him. I didn't want to wait for him to decide indefinitely and not be able to have children.

If he doesn't have a good reason, then maybe you should give him his freedom and the opportunity to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Some time alone may be all that he needs to convince himself that you are the one for him. It could be too that you would find someone else that you like better.

V. [/color]

greengirl:

sunny offered excellent advice. I also have a couple of suggestions for you to ponder:



This is his to deal with - or not. It goes back to the old carpenter and box of nails analogy... You really cannot help here other than just be yourself.


This may not fit with your desires. I'd explore this a bit more with him.


Any chance this is affecting his emotional/thought process? "Fiercely independent" will worry most men, particularly one who has been stung. We men enjoy a healthy dose of independence in our gals; however "fiercely" can make things uneasy and usually sends us running for the hills.


Sit him down and ask him if your highly independent behavior has a negative effect on how he feels about you. Listen to all he says w/o defending yourself. Talk it out. Perhaps you should consider talking to a professional about your need for extreme independence. I'd bet it's tied to being alone for most of your life.

Another failed marriage! He loves you but fears you. That's a tough place for anyone to be.

Good Luck,

FR

Ask him to work through the MB principles if he is serious. If you do the work, you could have a better life together than either of you may have imagined.

He's only been divorced 1 1/2 years. That is not enough time to completely recover. You expect to much of him at this time. Most people take at least 2 years to get back to normal.

He has to learn to trust women again.
More importantly he has to learn to trust his judgment about women again.

The last one is a lot harder than the first one.

Marriage is a piece of paper that legalizes a commitment. If you love him, let him be him. Dont push your agenda on him. Relax. Be yourself. Let it happen.

He is afraid of being divorced again. It sucks...sheesh....

Give him time and love and patience (but only if you truly have it to give). If not, give him his freedom and your friendship.

After a failed marriage, one has a different perspective on this institution. I have been separated for 4 years divorced for almost 1. I love the woman I am with but will not marry her until we have lived together at least parttime. She has reservations about this and this makes me more hesitant. Moralists will argue against living together and there is merit to this. Prior to my divorce I too was against cohabitation.....but not now......it will be a prerequisite. Getting divorced takes some adjustment.....getting married again takes a lot of preparation. As Svan said "Marriage is a piece of paper that legalizes a commitment." Just let things flowwwww rather than gush, squirt, and trickle!