I'm not familiar with your sitch, but this sounds more about YOU than him.

Most certainly there are issues with him, but that could be the mere fact YOUR STILL MARRIED, with no divorce date in sight. So really your not single nor have you been for a long time, it may feel that way due to the circumstances but your not free to get married even IF he was. That could be a huge problem for him.


Now, I said a lot of this is about you--so let me share with you what I am seeing...

Your wanting a man to make a semi-committment (dating you exclusively)when your not even available to do so in return. Is that really fair?

Shouldn't he be free to date other people, travel and do whatever he wants without explaining or answering to you what he is doing and where he is going? If not why not?

Your freaking out that he isn't getting in touch with you as often as you apparently 'think' he should, when there is no apparent thoughts on his part of commitment?? WHY???

It really comes across that you are pretty needy, even though you say your not,

Why not mention the fact you seen his myspace? Is there a problem with his having one? And why did it bother you he had another lady on his friends profile? Is he not supposed to have other women friends?

None of us can answer your question about why you are freaking out about this, only you can...but it's going to take some serious self-examination to find the answers.

It could be, but what do you think is the reason? Maybe something you could explore?

well i have been separated from my husband for almost 2 years...the only reason the divorce isn't final is because the mediator takes about 3 months to get back with us...we both have been calling everyday because she is supposed to finally have our final agreement...but she doesn't get back to us in our time frame but hers. I don't even talk to my ex husband unless it's about our son...thats the rare contact we have and thats it.



No because it's not just a realationship thing...it's the fact that we are...intimate. If I found out he was involved with anyone else it would be over...I don't want anything to be brought home to me.



The way I see it...my husband is dead...I did my greiving he doesn't exist to me anymore. Sorry it sounds harsh but it's been quite awhile for me. I am free to date whom ever I choose and I chose him.



actually...i was ok with him having friends...it was that the female had him on her list after he wasn't on there for months. My not mentioning it is because i don't want to start any trouble. If I can avoid problems I would like to. I am and do give him the space that he needs....but I do have alot of anxiety...i want to trust him...it's just hard no matter when you've gone through with a bad relationship to trust again...no matter how long or how much therapy (i had alot) you have had...I am trying to break that.

I can't speak for all men, but I can say that this man would have nothing to do with a woman who asked such questions full of DJ's and sweeping generalizations as the title of this thread.

I'd wonder what kind of chip she had on her shoulder and why does she want a man if she thinks their minds are evil.

maybe they were gellin? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

ummm it was a joke...think of it being said in a sarcasticly frustrated joke telling way....haha...funny .....that sort of thing.

"He is still kind of in the phase where he can't move too quick."

Maybe you should give him some space and take things slow. Being intimate with someone so soon is not taking it slow in my opinion.
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"he's been running around trying to get tons of stuff together

"He was really busy and it wasn't a long call....i asked him if it was possible to run an errand for me. at first he said he couldn't then he changed his mind and said he could....he seemed a bit distant. I know he's really busy but it bothered me.....i called the next day and left a voicemail apologizing if I did or said anything to upset him. I haven't heard back from him."

You know he is busy and still you ask him to run an errand for you? Sounds very inconsiderate to me. I would never dream of asking someone to do errands for me if I knew they were busy, I would have offered to help them out.
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"just the other day I was on myspace (yes I gave in I have one)..... he has one but doesn't know I know about it. He has only 2 people on his myspace one I think is his sister. he never updates his myspace or gets comments or leaves anyone else comments. but by chance i checked one of the chicks on his friends lists myspace and he is now on her myspace friends top 8 list as number 7. There are other guys before him...but this bothered me...but I don't want to bring it up and cause a scene."


Why are you snooping? By chance you checked one of the chicks? I don't think so. If you are so insecure, you need to just end this relationship and do a lot of soul searching and healing. I know you mentioned that you have been separated for 2 years, but have you really healed from all this?
------------------------------------------------------------"I am and do give him the space that he needs....but I do have a lot of anxiety...i want to trust him...it's just hard no matter when you've gone through with a bad relationship to trust again...no matter how long or how much therapy (i had alot) you have had...I am trying to break that.

Perhaps you need more therapy or go to a support group, Divorce Care is an example of one.

ok so your telling me after your divorce you started dating you would not have any anxiety that a person may cheat on you or leave you? Especially after everything that ha happened to you thorough your divorce that the affair would not affect you in future relationships.....it's like the lab monkey who gets shocked for picking the wrong choice...they test it again but they are wary about there choice....but they still test it until the make a right choice.



we live 40 miles apart and he frequently goes to a store I needed an item for....I simply asked him if he could pick something up for me if he was going there. I wasn't asking him to go out of his way...he knows i would do the same for him if not more.



same as above with the divorce thing. I'm a female....who has been burned...i'm allowed to be a bit insecure....but I don't place those insecurities on him....I have been dealing with them myself and I have been making acheivments. End a relationship I have put time and effort into? leave him high and dry when I know he does have feelings for me? that to me is a little inconsiderate. i know alot of people are old fashioned...but i am not a quitter. Frustrated yes....thats why it's dating...it's frustrating as all he!!. But I can't walk away from someone who I have started to build something with. I can't so easily just throw away a relationship like that over dating confusion...it's rude and heart breaking. and we have known each other for longer than we have been dating....we were friends for awhile before we got involved.

I certainly worked through those issues--so that they didn't effect future relationships. I had to realize, the people I was dating were not the person I was married to, so even if I had trust issues, they were NOT caused by them.

I had to learn to trust them for who they were seperate from MY ex., why should they suffer my insecurities that were caused by someone else??

But more importantly, why should *I* fret or have anxiety over whether or not they were to cheat on or leave me???

I wasn't MARRIED TO THEM, there was NO commitment...If they cheated then I wouldn't WANT to be in a relationship with them anyway.

And given the fact I can't FORCE someone to WANT to be in a relationship with me, if they left, I'd let them leave, no biggy, sure it might hurt for a little while, but I've been hurt before, and it certainly wouldn't kill me, so why should I live my life being afraid or fearful they might leave me??


You can't?? Or you won't??

Either way it sounds controlling and like you could be trying to force a relationship on someone who may or may NOT want to be in a relationship with You.

ok i think you might be reading things wrong or not understanding what i am saying...i know he is seperate from my ex....and I am working through my anxiety...i know we are not married...i am not so non-chalant when it comes to having a relatioship....i am a very caring person...and my feeling run deep and i do not like to cause anyone pain...having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a commitment...not the super dooper commitment but non the less it is a commitment. He does not suffer my insecurities at all...because i don't talk to him about them i keep them to myself. like I said I try to give him the utmost possible space i can.



and no like i said I can't and to add i won't break his heart and leave him...he has feelings for me he has told me this...telling me to break up with him and leave him over some confusion....ok where does that leave him. It would be very uncaring of me to do that and I care about him alot I will not unneccessarily break up with him over a small thing and hurt him.
how is it controlling when it's not put on him....like I said I try to keep my insecurities far away from him. I put a smile on. Have a great time with him when I see him....everyone is different...and handles things in there own way...why because I have some insecurity am I suddenly so flawed as to be called controling when I don't control the man I let him live his free life. I don't tell him I need to know where he is every second of everyday. NO because that is WRONG!!!!!!

to "canthurtthekids"...i am a Sgt...i hope its NOT me!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

anyway...in my opinion...if you have fun with this guy...GO have fun...if its stressing you out trying to figure him out....STOP...and just "roll" with it....

if you go trying to find "love" or force "love"...you never will....or GAWD forbid you jump into a coomited relationship and then one day you look over at this dude with "contempt in your eyes" and think to yourself.....

"i settled for YOU"?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

just roll with it....have fun and be SAFE...

Just please tell me you're not from Kentucky! lol

nope....L.A. (Whew!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

sturgi you crack me up......thanks for the lighthearted comments it did help me think and ease up a bit. I don't feel half as wound up as I was.

I get the feeling you have a bad streak in you...you naughty boy you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Surviving,

Two points.

First, your style of writing is hard to read and follow. At the risk of sounding like your Jr. High English teacher, I suggest you use punctuation, break up your thoughts in to smaller sentences and Capitalize the start of sentences. Modern text messaging habits work great when sending a quickly message like "wazzup - how ru", but ignoring the rules makes things hard to read.

Second, the "evil minds" comment was a turn off for me, especially considering that you are still married. I accept your assurance that the marriage is dead, but as one whose wife cheated on him, I am sure she told the OM that our marriage was dead, gone and unsalvagable. The truth was that it was their beliefs (WW and OM) what made the marriage hopeless. Their belief system changed to accomadate the affair (something Dr. Harley talks about). As a result, I always am a little skepticle of those claims.

I hope I do not sound harsh. I wish you the best.

no justin i take it with a grain of salt. But this is the dating board. Marriage isn't concerning me. We have been seperated for close to 2 years and as of last night I found out my ex proposed to the same woman he left us for. In disneyland no less...where he proposed to me. I'm a little irked that he can't be more original...but other than that i don't really care. The thing marrying that woman isn't my husband...he died a long time ago.

Oh and the evil minds thing was ment in a sarcastic joking way. The meaning is that dating is frustrating and at times people think that. It was ment in comical terms....nothing bad. i'm a fun lighthearted person who usually makes a crowd laugh. I am a cartoon character on crack in person. Ask pebbles she survived a whole day with me in San Francisco.

I popped into your thread to see what was so EVIL...

I am gonna put my couple of pennies in... take it at its worth in todays exchange rate...

Ask yourself what it is YOU want out of a relationship and define your parameters. Once you have that, take what he offers to you so far and see if it matches what you need and want. If so, continue on your path but be careful that he isn't playing you. If he doesn't meet the criteria then you should back away from the guy.

Also, you should probably back away a little anyway. Lets see if he misses you communication with him. If so you may be good to go. If you don't hear from him then you have probably been chasing the wrong cat.

I don't know the particulars of who calls who or when, but I can just about bet it is you calling him most of the time.

Let us know how things work and don't feel obligated to use any of this post at all.

I just feel that he isn't exactly what you are ready to join up with.

Careful... OK?

well he's back from mexico.....He called me tuesday when he got off the plane and i saw him last night and he made up for last week...he was so flustered in his trip and his family calling him every minutes about small details he forgot to pick up the things he and I both needed. but we spent lots of quality time together last night...I made him dinner...stir fry...yum!He was very appreciative of a nice hot homeade meal. and he missed me tons while he was gone. So here i sit a satisfied lady....i still have left overs to eat too...blah. I think I ate too much that rice is filling. who said after eating chinese food your hungry 2 hours later....i'm still full from last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Very nice!

It doesn't get much better than satisfied in love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

So does this mean he doesn't have an evil mind? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

oh he still has an evil mind...but in a really good way.... *puts fingers together like a evil mastermind and laughs maniacly* muhahahaha....we shall just say i barely got through the door before i was *sturgi would appreciate this* frisked and detained.