OMG OMG

He just served me with D papers. I don't want this. What do I do?

{{{{{{{Loni}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry!

I have no advice to give.......I am sorry.......but it still doesn't have to be over....

Please take care of yourself....

Daisy

Loni,

You're going to have to practice some deep breathing and relax as much as possible. Understand that the stress of the moment does not continue indefinitely. Yes, you've been served. Yes, it's a horrible moment and incredibly hurtful. Yes, there is still hope. Being served is a LONG way from the end of the road. It's a serious step but not a complete deal breaker.

Keep posting and talking it out. K?

-Fluke

Oh Loni I'm so sorry yor are going through this.

This is hard to handle right now.

Please try and stay strong.

Loni, how are you doing?

Flukeboy gave you some good advice. It really is not over. Just keep telling yourself it is not over until its over.

You can still fight for your marriage. Not by fighting him and reasoning with him but by following the plans here if possible. Your H still doesn't know what it is like to live without you. You see yesterday when he picked up the kids he was not mean or hurtful to you, he recognizes the pain he is causing and probably like my H thinks that you two will one day be just some good friends..... He does not get reallity. He will not be able to come by and grab the kids when he wants. He may have to pay allimony and he will definately pay child support. He will not be able to come as he pleases to your home...etc.... REality of D has not hit him.

So, it is not over yet.......try to just 'be still'.....take a bath.....I know you cannot not cry...that is doing the impossible right now....but you can try to calm yourself and care for yourself.....

{{{{Loni}}}}}}

Just know, that it will get better with time......

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Loni,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have been keeping up with your sitch for months. You have tried so very hard.

With that said, my WH also filed divorce papers and I felt on that day it was the end. I know it hurts and you can see nothing but the end. But thats not the way it really is you still have hope and its not over until you say it is.

The consequenses of his actions have not hit him yet and maybe won't until a D happens. Even if it does happen it still does not mean its over, its only a piece of paper. I know that sounds harsh but its the truth. I finally figured this out myself.

Even though my WH has filed and we have had mediation he is still waffleing about. It may happen but its still up to me when this is over.

Take this time to think about you and th children and make yourself strong. I do believe that once reality sets in he will rethink his choice. Then it will be your call if you want to be with him or not.....

Take Care,

Hurting

Loni:

I have been in your exact same shoes..many of us have been in your exact same shoes. I know how much it hurts..

You said:



I think it's great that he plans to have the appt. with Jennifer with you.

Now is the time to begin focusing on yourself..not on him..not on what he is thinking...focus on yourself...

Time to begin or continue the FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...

What will you be wearing on Sunday? What will you have cooked for him? Candles burning? What will make your house cozy...feeling like home?

ALl that talk about never being in love with you again, etc...ALL PART OF THE WS SCRIPT...ALL STANDARD WS CRAP...

That's why you can't focus on him and what he says...A lot of what he says will be BULL..HE IS A WS....

My H was here and gone..wanting me and then not wanting me...now we have been HAPPILY RECOVERED for almost 3 years..THIS IS FAR FROM BEING OVER FOR YOU, LONI..but it will be a ROLLERCOASTER and a BATTLE...

I don't think having him to read SAA will be worthwhile now..I tried to get my H to read it when he was a WAYWARD and he said: "THAT BOOK DOESN'T APPLY TO ME"..it's almost comical now....

I am so sorry that you have to go through this..this is an AWFUL, AWFUL EXPERIENCE..but you can make it ..you can do this!!

Loni:

I really doubt that the A is over....

I would definitely disagree with this approach...I haven't read Carol's story but it doesn't fit with the MB PRINCIPLES..PLAN A and then PLAN B...THAT IS THE SYSTEM!!!

You need to continue with your PLAN A....

Being busy is not recommended according to MBers in either of the PLANS....

(((((Loni)))))),

Were the kids with you when you were served?

If so, How are they taking this?

If not, When a how do you plan to tell them?

Is he still going to be with you on the call to Jennifer? If he is then I would make it a big plan A event for your family. Remind him of what you and his family represent. Then he get to go home to Mom & Dad. If he is not going to be there now keep the appointment anyway. I'm sure that Jennifer will have some very valuable advice to help you and your children.

Focus on you and the kids for the next few days.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Stay Strong!

Loni, Carol did the 180 degree program and that would not be the best plan for you right now. You should be in Plan A. Please listen to Mimi and do your best to calm down and woo him. Your emotions are your biggest enemy right now, so please focus on getting them under control.

As the others have said, divorce papers mean very little. It does not mean your marriage is over. But it does mean you are going to have to get to work if you want to save your marriage and follow through on some of the things we have suggested, namely exposure. But we can help you with a strategy next week. Right now, it is important to calm yourself down and get ready for your couseling session on Sunday.

You will be alright, Loni. Just let us guide you through this minefield.

Folow the advice you 've already been given..Be still..Stay calm..FOCUS ON YOURSELF..WORK ON YOUR PLAN....

Your marriage is far from over..

I agree with keeping your appt. with Jennifer whether he comes or not and get her counsel regarding the next steps...

Loni,
I would not focus on the 180 and Carol's way right now. I think it may mislead you and make your H think that you are indiffirent and that is not the way to go. Carol did it when she was in a differnt place all together. Plan A, if done right, can send the message that you will not be here for ever as well....Please read ark's post on Plan A. I always thought she put it really well. Plan A isn't about you being walked on......You have the carrot and then the stick of plan A. Ark has such a nice post on Plan A, I'll try to find it for you......


Daisy

Loni,
Have a look at the links in my sig line......

I really think the first is helpful! You will need to be really strong to do Plan A.
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you everyone.

I am at my friend's house right now. I will be sleeping over here tonight. I don't think I could be alone right now.

Here is what happened. I came home from picking up the kids and my DD15 was giving me a hard time. My WH was home when I got there and heard our DD going off on me. He told her to cool it. Left some money for groceries, then went to leave. His intiention, I thought, was to take our DS17 to his friends house, drop DD off at practice, then bring our DS13 home. When he left, I told him that we needed to talk at some point and he said ok. Then, He handed me an envelope and told me to read it very carefully and not to do something stupid. He said this isn't about being hateful. I told him that I would promise not to do something foolish, but can be promise not to file for divorce. He shook his head and a tear fell from his eye.

The letter, I left unopened until I got to my friend's house. Except, I saw the letterhead from the lawyer's office, I almost drove off the road. By the time I got to my friends home, I was hysterical. The letter is one telling my that he has filed and to pick up the official papers at the affice before the 27th. Or they will be sent to my home.

He told the kids while they were with him. I wasn't even there when my kids heard about their parents. Much later, after talking a long time with my friend, and my pastor, I went home and called my DS13 at his Dad's. That's when I found out that he had told them. I talked to him for a minute and told him that what he was doing is cold and low. That he made all kinds of lies up to cover this and that it wasn't fair to me or the kids, how he handled it. He just said that he wasn't going to fight with me about it. I told him that I wasn't fighting, I told him that I should have been there with the kids when they heard the news. I said that was low and cruel. He said that he couldn't handle telling them with me in the room. Then he hung up on me.

I know that he had to have been planning this for a long time. Papers don't get written up that quickly, even in this small town.

I am scared to hope. Right now, I am just trying to breath. OMG this hurts more than when my mom died. How much can you hurt before there isn't anything left inside you?

I don't hate my H. I really hate this WH though. No I don't. I just wish that I did. I want to hate him so that when I see him, i am happy to not be with him.

I don't think he will be at the session on Sunday night. I think he was just pulling my chain to keep me quiet while he got his stuff going.

My state does NO Fault divorce. THat is what he is wanting. We have 6 to 9 months if it is uncontested, before it is final. I don't think that I can stall it for too long. They will just finalize it without my agreement.

I am in a huge amount of shock right now. Please forgive me for any mistakes in my typing.

Loni

Many people here have gone up to the eve of the divorce, and recovered their marriage. Don't let this throw you. Stay with your plan.

I think it was not right that he told the kids first, but these WS's tend to be cowardly.

I agree with believer, 6-9 months can be an eternity in the middle of this stuff. Stick with the plan.

I don't know if I can. I feel so weak and tired. I honestly don't think I can even look at him without bursting into tears. I will talk with Jennifer tomorrow night but I don't think there is any marriage to save anymore. He has given up on us. Why shouldn't I just give up too? He doesn't love anymore. All he feels is guilt when he looks at me.

For right now, all I can do is be still, like Ark said. I am so afraid of all the hurt that is coming my way. I don't think I can bear to see my H with the OW. I have a lot of school activities that will include my kids as well as hers. I couldn't hardly stand to look at her when I thought that my M was getting better. I can feel the knife in my back just thinking about seeing them together.

Loni

Loni,
Is the OW married? If so, I think you should contact her H and let him know what's happening.

Here's a quick synopsis of the events


Me(BS) 38
Him (WS) 38
OW 34 Seperated 4/03 D final 3/7/06 Former friend of mine Her kids DD15, DS13, DS11 The oldest two are best friends with my youngest two.
DDay 12/24/03 I found out he didn't want to be married to me anymore
DDay #2 2/2/04 Found out he was in love with OW.
I have had little DDays ever since. Both continue to deny that it was ever sexual.

He left 3/13/06. Recieved Divorce notice 3/17. He denies being with OW. Blames this action on "he's not happy".

Loni