Aptiva:

I've not read this whole thread..but don't question yourself or discount your feelings.

One of my biggest mistakes was to do this and to allow my H's affair to go on too long without EXPOSURE...

I think that your GUT is telling you something and as the other poster has said..you should go into SLEUTH mode or whatever...

I was able to determine that my WH was back in contact with the OW by doing underwear checks and it was no laughing matter to me..each time I was correct..each time I was devastated..

There would be spots of semen..white and somewhat shiny..as I unfortunately recall...

When I eventually called him on this, he began to hide his underwear in his gym bag..

What about guys who don't wear undies?
I've gone panty-less once or twice on a really hot day...

You know.. I guess on a serious note, the whole notion of a 30-year married couple living together for all that time... sharing the good and the bad.. .children, death of parents, fond memories, vacations... to be reduced to semen kits and underwear checking.... just saddens me to the reality of the human condition where I have no recourse but to bring humor into it since it's so friggin' bizzare...

If people, of sound mind that is, could only communicate and have the courage and the respect of one another, to really choose a partner that understands them, the good and the bad.. and for these people to be honest, even with their feelings of thought about infidelity.. as painful as it is.. it wouldn't need to come down to this pathetic and embarassing activity.

I guess in essense folks, I'm appauled by Aptiva's actions in empathy for her.. that she can't even ASK the spouse she's been with for 30 years, if he's been unfaithful... and know by his answer whether he's being truthful or not....

I'm sorry Aptiva.. I'm sorry of the space between you and your husband. I'm sorry for the choices you both made to grow apart from each other.. and I wish you the strength and courage to change your relationship so that you can TALK to your H about things like this and not have to turn to an Internet board for advice on semen stains in underwear.

I'm sorry...

Earthman, I had an A after 28 years of monogamous marriage.

You'd think after all that time with the man I met when I was 18 and married at 20 we'd have communicated pretty well. It was actually the death of my father and his parents all in the same year, and our total lack of communication after that point, that showed the reality of how far apart we'd grown.

We had to learn, after 30 years!, how to communicate with each other again. He didn't even know who I was anymore.

OK earthman I don`t check undies for stuff I sort it sweety, my hubby and I DO communicate, but hes the type of guy you can have him on film and he`ll deny its him. got the picture Im sure you do. We`re not talking drips ect, but maybe a stain as if you had sex with your underwear on. And gee does`nt your wife got something for you to do around the house?

Though I agree that it is unfortunate situation, I also am wise enough to know it happens. How many married couples are uncomfortable discussing something? It's not uncommon & it is sad - but it's real. Couples have difficult times discussing SF, finances, responsibilities - the list is long. Perhaps he DOES have a medical reason for the stain - I would imagine it may be embarassing. Even married people can be embarassed about things - we're human. The reason she is concerned. EM, is because she's been here before. She lives that h*ll every day and wants to believe there is nothing going on but she won't be played a fool either.

I know that this simple comment - though not intended to make you angry - will and there's nothing I can do about it.

We have a live in nanny/maid.. so I guess I'm safe on that front should I ever decide to fool around..

Seriously, all that evidence.. you think he would have tossed them in the garbage... Dumb or just doesn't care..

I always ask my Dr. to lower the lights and put on some Enya when I go in for THOSE checkups..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Nicht welche Sprache sie sprechen, macht alles Candians sind Käseköpfe aus

Unfortunately, this is the NATURE OF THE INFIDELITY CONDITION.. My FWH of 26 years..lied and lied..even when I found him at the hotel room, answering the door in his underwear, he lied..saying "I'm ending it RIGHT NOW....

It's part of the WS SCRIPT to be deceptive and to lie....

Aptiva, you didn't respond to me but again I say..this is SERIOUS BUSINESS..TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...



CONTINUE TO TALK TO US, APTIVA...

This board was my salvation...

Folks on here..have been there..done that...

Yes, try to work on what needs to improve about your marriage...

But, if you think that your H is having an A..don't discount your gut...

Again.. I say that was my biggest mistake..enabling the A for too long..

I still wonder if it would have been better if I had interceded earlier when there were CLEARLY all the SIGNS...

Yes, NEW UNDERWEAR..bought by HER..some with stains..some without stains....

YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO, APTIVA..THIS IS YOUR MARRIAGE THAT YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT....


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks mimi1254 and all you others who understand. Im asking him (hubby) tomorrow.

NO! NO!

I don't think you should ask him about the stain ... if you think that he is having an affair.

I would wait to see if you discover anymore stains or anything else..

If he is having an A, he will come up with a lie about the stain..and will go more undercover...

Mixed with a lubricant maybe???

Ignore Earthman

Don't ask your hubby - get some evidence. It is suspicious for sure.

aptiva,

I agree with the others................Don't confront him.
(not yet)

If your gut is telling you that *something* is NOT right.......listen to it!
Watch carefully..................I just think that if you confront him about what you discovered and something is *really* going on, he will become even sneakier and warned to watch his actions.

If something is truely going on and he feels safe enough to just hide his *undies* on the bottom of the hamper, then this tells you that he feels *safe* and he thinks that you will NOT notice it.

More *mistakes* will happen, once he feels that you don't notice anything.

You can *confront* when you have more facts/proof and most of all when your gut tells you that there is *definately* something NOT right!!!!

I once made the same mistake and I will probably always *doubt* that my husband has told me the total truth.

There was a time when OW had intiated contact and my husband lied to me about this. I confronted him and after asking him and pressuring him he finally admitted that OW had contacted him 2 times. He told me that he had lied to me bacause he was afraid. He told me that he was scared that I would fall into depression again and he was scared to death that he would loose me. He swares that *nothing* happened.

I feel that I should of waited before confronting......

I know that something was NOT right at that time because too many *strange* things were happening then.

bb

Oh but I did confront him. Was loading the washer and called to him. Said H are you having problems(showing him his underwear). He says I don`t know where that came from, so I said well maybe we need to make you a doctors appointment to see if something is wrong. He says oh no thats ok, that probally happens when I go to the bathroon showing me how he does it..lol. I said sweety that is`nt urine. He`ll mess up again I can assure you he is`nt the brightest star in the sky.

Keep your EYES WIDE OPEN...for other signs...

Aptiva,
It's not like you're coming out of nowhere by making this possible connection between stained underwear and an affair. It has been a reality in the past! It was unusual at that time. It hasn't happened since. Now,it's happened again. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'd think there was something wrong with you if you didn't explore the possibility!

You have "communicated" with your H. about the situation. You were open with him. His response didn't seem to fit well with your years of experience doing his laundry. I don't think I'd ask him any more about it at this time. He's already told you what he intends to tell you. Unless you want to try and trip him up in his inconsistencies. But as others have noted, there alway seems to be a way that WSs can talk themselves around an issue, leaving you feeling crazy!

I think I'd wait to see if it happens again, or try and find someone to check up on him a bit. My exWS was a housepainter. You're right. You never know where these guys are going to be from day to day, or how late they will be working. You never know for sure how much their paycheck will be from week to week. (You know, a guy needs some money to entertain the OW! In my situation, my exWS needed money to pay the OW's rent. In the meantime, I was struggling to pay our bills, trying to be understanding
of him having a cutback in his hours of work and bringing home a smaller paycheck!)

My exWS did not have a cell phone or use the computer. Additionally, he went to his AA/NA meetings five times a week. Obviously I couldn't go along to those. That's where he met his OW.

As far as being able to look into someone's eyes and know if they're telling the truth or not, I used to have that illusion. I thought I was pretty good at it. I was very familiar with human psychology and had good intuitive skills. My illusion was squashed when I started working with alcoholics and addicts. I actually thought that my exWS had relapsed during the time he was having an affair.

I think part of the reason a WS can be so believable is that they are acting in a way that is so incongruent with their past values that they have to go into denial to live with themselves. (I think this is where the "alien" and "fog" behaviors come in.) This denial is what allows them to be so convincing when they look you straight in the eye and lie through their teeth. Their denial allows THEM to believe what they're saying. This really limits one's capacity to discern truth. If you add the factor that you have had years of open, honest communication with them, it further complicates the ability to recognize deceit.

I do wonder, however, why your H. wouldn't throw out his underwear if he had reason to be guilty. Of course, it sure wouldn't be the first time that a WS has left something around that "told" on him/her! It's like that
"wanting to be caught" stuff. Or....maybe he thinks you count his underwear at the weekly wash in all your "spare time"...and would notice a pair missing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

aptiva

just wondering how things are going...........
How about a update?

bb