I just received a letter from a "Mediator" informing me she will be mediating between me and my H. She is not asking if I want to be mediated, but is issuing a mandate. And is informing me I WILL be taking off more time from work for this, and I WILL be paying her $125 per session, apparently indefinitely.

Meanwhile, I had been working with an attorney, putting together a case for what I want... that I do NOT feel able to negotiate on my own. I've spent thousands on this so far, which now seems to be out the window as a result of someone else dictating a new strategy.

So, I have questions: Have any of you been down this path? Do I have any say in this? What about the legal strategy my attorney has been putting into place - what happens to that if we go into "mediation"? What is the point of mediation? Any suggestions for how I should approach this?

Hey Deja Vu,
Obvious question - what does your attorney say about this? This seems like something that he/she could answer for you via email or on the phone, without incurring additional charges from him.

I never did the official mediation route; I wonder if it's court-mandated somehow (?). Is it possible your H filed something that you're not aware of? I hope not!

On the positive side, at least this is happening now that you're so far post-surgery.

Questions for your attorney.
1. Is state mandated mediation required? In my state, they provide 1 hour of free mediation services to decide parenting time, if unresolved, then it moves to lawyers. No financial settlements are discussed in this mediation session.
2. Did your STBX decide he wanted to mediate and hired her? If so, unless state mandated, you do have a choice about whether to use this mediator. You may not feel comfortable with the mediator and may want to look elsewhere. I would think you should call her up to ask her.
3. If you agree to mediate, costs are typically shared 50/50. (Far cheaper than than 2 lawyers exchanging phone calls.)

FYI. I tried to use a mediator in the beginning, but it doesn't work in a "power over" scenario - where one person pushes the other. X & I did agree to use a mediator to resolve minor issues, and agreed on one - who we saw this fall. Although not all issues were resolved, many were.
I considered this a time/money saver rather than going to court. X, however, followed up mediation with threats to file a motion. So, mediation doesn't resolve all things, but can save time and money to resolve simple issues. I do recommend the use of a mediator if both parties agree.

However, in using a mediator, I came prepared. X walked in with demands for kid time. I walked in with schedules of parenting time and holidays for the next 4 years, and also 3 copies of our divorce decree and other documents. My point is, be prepared when and if you meet with the mediator to save time. Type up your demands. (hold back on what you will give in on - mediation is a compromise - after all).
The mediator called me anal-retentive, but noted the time savings. And I emailed the amended proposal back to her rather than have her retype what we had discussed, to minimize her time spent on the final document.
Be proactive if possible. Using a mediator is a good place for active management of the D process. Your lawyer can always review the results of the mediation session and make suggestions.
Mediation typically doesn't end in one session, so you will have time to rework things.

Very funny!! Unless a judge orders you to mediate, you dont have to. Give the letter to your attorney.

[color:"blue"] Deja Vu [/color] ,
What ever became of this? Did you get to the bottom of the situation with the mediator's letter? Did your attorney know anything about it?

Well, here's the latest. It turns out my H filed in the county where I live instead of the one where he lives. This is odd because the original paperwork he wanted us to use was from HIS county, and his county's process and rules are much easier to deal with, and can be done faster.

In my county, according to my attorney, it is MANDATED that all D's MUST go through mediation, but that attorneys are usually present, and this supplements the regular legal process (not replaces it). So, apparently I have no choice. But the good news is I have to fill out several forms outlining my living expenses, including things I wouldn't have thought of including. We are asking for spousal maintenance, because of how H handled some things (ruining my credit) and because of my surgery and long therapy requirements. (As of now I have bills totaling about $43,000 that my insurance company is not responding to, and the dr's and hospital are sending to me now.)

So, we each fill out our stuff and then meet with the mediator the end of April. Then... who knows? I'm pretty sure this will never end. I'm also thinking for some unknown reason my H is deliberately delaying things. Maybe so he won't have to sell the house.

Glad to see your post on the Narcissism page. I was thinking that your H might be. That's also likely why he's pushing for mediation. He always expects to get what he wants and expects others (mediators & lawyers) to make it happen.
What is likely to happen is that they will tell him what will really occur, and he'll balk and drag things out. (Happened to me).
However, with him filing in your county, where your lawyer likely knows the system, this is an advantage.

I don't think the CIS (client information statement) mattered much in my case at all, and I spent alot of time getting all the finances right. (X was so lazy, he just copied mine).
Really consider how much your long term rehabilitative care will cost, and make sure your insurance is covered.
Good luck with this. I do believe in mediators, but even they know it can't work in a "power over" scenario.
And narcissists won't listen to what they don't want to hear.

Newly,

You've hit the nail on the head. I know his narcissism is why I dread being in negotiation with him, as it will SOUND like we are talking about the same thing, but I know we won't be speaking the same language. From his POV, he presents what sounds on the surface like a logical argument, and to refute it means I have to unravel the fallacies back to where he first rewrote history.

I'm sure that's why I'd rather that each of us present our case and our evidence separately, rather than in a forum that implies we are going to negotiate. For me there is NO negotiation and NO compromise. I want my premarital property, and I want 1/2 the marital assets. Period. Not negotiable.

You know, a narcissist can present an argument in which individual things sound valid - but the picture that is put together is missing a few nails. And the errors of omission are VERY hard to find. I bet he's pulled the wool over his own attorney's eyes.

Just write it all out. Do the work so your attorney doesn't need to charge you.
Have a typed list of where you will and won't compromise. It will help both you and atty maintain your line. (you may want to hold back from atty something as a final negotiating point).
If you didnt' mix premarital assets, they should be protected.
Have several papers typed up in preparation. If the mediator sees that you are prepared, she will be more likely to consider that you're negotiating in good faith, rather than just for the sake of argument.
Consider mediation as a venue to take as many items off the table as possible. The next time you, STBX, and both lawyers will be in the same room will likely be the divorce date. So use this time wisely. Create your wish lists. Get it all done.