Hi, I posted on divorced and divorcing the other day and not much traffic there.
My wife had an affair 2 years ago. Thats how we found MB. It was working pretty good, then we were transfered 1/2 way across the country. House hunting, the move and the new job put a dampner on our marriage builders time. I thougt we were getting along good, loved out area, lots to explore, nice house, I thought we were in love again! Then 4 weeks ago, she tells me she wants to separate, so I moved in with a friend. 2 weeks later I am served with divorce papers and a protective order baring me from seeing or talking to her or the kids. 2 weeks later, she is calling my attorney asking him to do what ever it takes to drop the PO. (direct violation of legal protocal) she tells him she was never afraid of me just didn't want me to be able to talk her out of it. It was dropped that day. Now she tells me she is moving out of state, as a matter of fact over 5000 miles away and is going to give me custody of our 2 kids (4 & 7), then she starts going wishy-washy on that. Right now she is leaving for Her new job in a new state on Sunday. I am still devistated, I had the kids over last weekend, when I dropped them off at her house this morning, I never felt like I had been in a deeper hole. I want to save this marriage so bad it hurts. I don't understand what is going on. She says she "just has to go home" She never got along with her family that well. I assume there is someone else there. I don't know how that would be, she did not go there very often, and I don't belive she called there much, but I do not know. I have been trying to go with plan A, but its hard not to grovel and beg her to take me back, so for the most part, I just talk to the kids, and when they ask if I want to talk to mom, I say "if she wants to talk to me I do", that is not how I really feel, but its keeps me from begging. Then when she says "no" I get hurt inside. Can someone please give me some guidance. I need her!, I miss her,!, and I want her back!

I read your posts with Dr. Harley and I agree with him that your wife is not acting rationally right now and is likely to change her decisions. I would not be surprised if she is seeing someone or at least talking with someone. My relationship isn't terrific either so I can't give any advise but I understand how the whole situation makes you feel crazy. I do think consentrating on being a terific dad and working on your anger mannagement is also great advice from Dr. Harley.

Triwing,

Could it be that she never lost contact with the OM from 2 years ago?

I would think that or drugs!! This seems very sudden and dramatic. Mentally how stable is she?

Was it you that had to move half way cross country? And how did she take this? How long were you there before the bombshell?

The new job in the new state...is this where she is from? Why did she pick this one?

Might be time for some all out snooping..phone records, emails, questioning friends & family.

Make sure you keep those kids close to you.

""when I dropped them off at her house this morning,""
HER HOUSE??? Is this the house that you moved out of? If so, I would pack my bags and move back in NOW!! Insist on it.

That restraining order was a very crappy thing to do. And she wants to leave the kids with you?? Sound like there is someone else.

Stay strong, no begging or crying in front of her. Plan A as best you can. Snoop and move back into YOUR house, if possible.

IMHO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

I can not move back in to the house, the temparary order from the divorce gives her the house and custody of the kids. however now there is a new twist. My attorney has advised me she has hired a new attorney. She is now wanting to take the kids to Hawaii. I have done the snooping best as I can, I did not record phoen calls, but ever since her affair, she has given me carte blance on the emails at both home and work. So I don't know about another man. She is moving back to where she is origanlly from. She says she is home sick, and just needs to go home.

Trivving,

First of all, I am so very sorry you have been handed such a horific sitch...

I do agree with Krusht.

Get on A/D's as soon as possible because you are going to HAVE to detach enough where you can think clearly regarding the kids and your own welfare.

Keep posting, keep talking.

TW,

""She is moving back to where she is origanlly from. She says she is home sick, and just needs to go home.""

What if you said you wanted to go with her? Hawaii is not the worst place to live.

k

I have told her that. I offered to transfer my job out there, or find a new job, but it must be as a family unit. We can not afford it as 2 familys. She said she would love for us to each be closer to the kids, but she can not do it as a family. Our marriage is over. I want to call her so bad and beg her to try, but I know that is the absolute worst thing I can do at this point. I miss her and the kids so much.

TW,

""but she can not do it as a family. Our marriage is over.""

So it's not just that she is homesick.

Something else HAS to be going on.

This is such a radical move, like you said out of the blue!!

Has she been and is she now mentally stable?

She said "our marriage is over"?

Very curious.

k

I am worried about her mental health. I am really worried about sending my kids with her. I think something has gone wrong in her mind. Am am very worried about her, I just don't know her anymore.

She is from Hawaii? Just to let you know....you've got at least one MBer out here willing to keep an eye out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Work with your lawyer to have her seen as unstable. So you can get custody of your children. They need at least 1 stable parent. If your W used to read MB, she would know her actions right now are not stable. As a parent, they are down right scary and you need to protect your most valuable assets, the children. How are they doing?

L.

TW,

You have to remember that you are the one who messed up with your relationship first and that your wife has given up on you. There is still hope. After all you came to your senses when for a while there you were not acting right toward her either. Keep trying to do the best you can toward your children and wife. Try not to make this into a battle if you can. Remember what here needs are and try to meet them if you can. Also remember what the love busters are. Do you have a close friend who has heard the whole story and can help keep you accountable. In other words, if you are tempted to act in a bad way they can point out the bigger picture to you. In this thread you haven't disclosed enough information to get the best advice I am affraid.

rb123,
His wife was the one who had an affair 2 yrs ago, not him. It is likely she is at it again. I am sure he bears some responsibility for the state of their marriage before any A...but how did you come up with that he the ONE who messed up their marriage?

Sorry about the mistake on who had the original affair. I went back and read the original post with Dr. Harley and now have the situation clearer in my mind. I still think it is important to focus on not getting angry and trying to meet needs though and taking excellent care of the kids. That was what was mentioned as the sourse of problems in the beginning. I'm a betrayed wife here, I certainly agree that the betrayor has to accept responsibility for their actions. The problem is that each of us are only in controle of our own actions and are on this board to get advice and perspective on what we are doing.

Thanks for the advice, I am not using love busters, I have not had an angry outburst, nor have I been disrespectful, some of my worst traits. I try to be cordgial, and try to talk to her when I get the chance, but all I get is you'll have to have your attorney talk to mine. She has delayed moving to Hawaii for 2 weeks, I believe she is trying to get a court date to overturn the ruling she can take the kids out of the state. I had my kids yesterday and found out she is telling them that she is talking to the judge and he is going to let our daugter move to Hawaii right away and then my son will have to go after school gets out for the summer. I talked to my lawyer, and he says he really doubts any judge will let that happen. I try to believe him, but it is so scarey. I don't know when or how often I would ever get to see them. I can not afford to go to Hawaii every other month, much less once a month. How can I continue to work on our relationship from 6000 miles away and she wont talk to me on the phone when she is 10 miles away? For the record, she has NEVER taken responsibilty for the A. It was always my fault she ran to him.

Not sure what state u r in but let all involved know there is an A afoot. That she is indoctrinating the children with lies and you don't feel they are safe in her care.

Not t/b taken lightly.

L.

Orchid,

Were you talking about me or you. If you were talking about you, then there's two.

S&C

S&C,

I completely forgot. Please forgive me. Howa' been?

Ok, so there are 2 and a few more on this rock.

I think we can cover the island from this vantage point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

rb...you are horribly biased. I can only imagine what you would've said if this had been a woman thrown out of her home like this. I doubt you'd be encouraging her not to get angry.



I think he's got every right to get angry. This woman is out to destroy their lives. A little anger might help stop knuckling under to her.She is NOT looking out for the kid's best interests.

FIGHT, MAN, FIGHT! STOP LETTING HER CALL ALL THE SHOTS! Get an injuction to STOP her from moving. If SHE wants to pick a fight...you can give her one.

You've already messed up by moving out...make a decision to get on the right track and stand up for yourself and your kids NOW.

LO, thanks for the advice, I have talked to my attorney, and he is doing everything in his power to keep her from taking the kids, but we want her to go. That way, I will have the kids full time and a custody battle will lean in my favor and I belive she will cave in pretty easily when she get out of the state. Too hard to fight from 6000 miles away. S&C and Orchid, are you on Oahu?

Orchid: Good.


Orchid: Yep, on the leeward side.

L.