Okay I've been wondering so I figured I'd post something....Did you get the details of your spouse's A....I mean the sexual details what they did etc.....if you did....did the information make it easier for you to forgive or did it make it harder for you??? I don't know all the details of what happend and he refuses to talk about just keeps saying it was nothing really...I know there was some sexual activites I just don't know what....part of me has a big desire to know and the other part of me tells me I'm out of my mind for wanting to know.....Any information would be appreciated....I'm just trying to survive a situation I didn't choose but now I'm stuck in........

Do you know why you need to know?

L.

Hi,

I got all the details. I was one that had to know everything. This showed me the extent of what was going on. I found out locations, times, and what was done. I didn't get gorry details. I'm sure a lot of things were left out, but I got the picture. From this I derived that the affair was not a full blown love affair. I knew the actual physical part was only twice. For my own piece of mind, I had to know. Thank goodness, I put a stop to it, when I suspected.

I also found out that once the intimate part came, he was not attracted to her and he wasn't "turned on". The second time the same thing happened - the OW approached him - and the same thing. Only, my husband was too weak to end it - afraid of hurting her feelings. So I had to do it for him. I also confronted the OW, to find out the truth - made a lot of things clearer and answered a lot of my questions.

Some people may not want to know the details - but I did. Some people may not want to discuss what they did with the OP - this will be between you and your spouse.

Nope and probably never will.

Am I OK with that? Nope and never will be.

Do I want the minute details? Nope, just what I need to feel safe, secure, confident, and comfortable that this will never happen again.

Will our recovery depend on knowing the details? I don't know, but will guess probably as all MB principles address this issue and recommend full complete honesty and transparency concerning this issue.

The desire to know will continue to grow until you get the answers you need!!!! Knowing will help the desire, but it will hurt like H*LL. Yes I got all the details and still struggle with the visual images. So you have to decide for yourself if you can handle it. But for me having my FWW be totally honest about "everything" was most important. For me this was proof that she was willing to be totally honest.

I can't even get him to admit to the affair, much less give me details... I would settle for anything... something....

My very best to you, this is tough

carnation

Only you can decide what you need to know and how much detail. One thing to remember is that this is one thing that you can't really verify and you have to accept that.

I never really wanted the details about the sex. I was more interested in knowing if there was affection. It still means alot to me that even after SF, there wasn't any snuggling, just slam, bam, thank you ma'am, now get the heck away from me. It really annoyed OW but FWH just didn't have those kind of feelings for her and he couldn't really fake them either.

For me, I think knowing explicit details would have made things worse. Even now, I sometimes feel the presence of OW when we are intimate and it totally ruins it for me. I sure would hate for her to know that cause it would make her day.

Who

My h NEVER wanted to know DETAILS.

His imagination was good enough i guess.

ME? i want to know details.

Part of me wants to know because when we are "together" my imagination runs wild and I'm wondering did he do this with her and it just kills the entire mood for me.....he just says to me its just you and me no one else its you and me.....and I'm thinking no its not....he just keeps saying it wasn't like that.....but my imagination is running wild....he has had zero contact with her for 3 weeks not a long time.....the A lasted about a month....it was fast they didn't see each other that much since she is married.....I had asked him to leave so he had more times on his hand and quickly realized he had made a BIG mistake.....I'm trying to move on but my mind is playing games on me.....I just want to by happy but right now I'm not sure if I'll be happy with him or w/o him......

I do know the details. I needed to know them. Does it hinder my recovery now that I do? Well the OW is still in my bedroom (in my head). Not as much as early on, but the thoughts pop up at the most inopportune moments. I know she is better looking than me and according to FWH and the FOW she is "talented", not having any problems having multiples. I'm sure that's more than you all needed to know, but it shows you that because of my knowledge I do have thoughts of inadequacy. Which in turn causes some disfunction there. I think I can overcome that though. It will take time. However if I hadn't gotten all the facts it would have driven me crazy FOREVER. But that is just me. Short term disfunction versus imagination running wild forever?...Just be careful, it can hurt.

It's like they said...You may NEVER get all the details. I mean really, how much do you trust his honesty at this point? Most of them will deprive the BS of all the info they need. There are things they will take all the way to thier graves...
Sorry, wish I could help. I'm still looking for answers to some questions, and probably always will be.

I got more info than I needed to know...as OW called me
exposing the whole thing, when she found some "holes" in
WH's stories, and she was trying to find out the truth.
Unfortunately, even after finding out the truth (he was
still married, etc.) the A continued on for a couple more
months, until WH got a DUI and his anxiety and fear brought
him home, temporarily.

While attempting to reconcile with me, WH moved back home
which drove OW nuts, of course. I then received a package
from her in the mail, which included not only all the notes
and cards my WH had given her, but also VERY explicit photos
of the two of them, so know I not only have mental details
but visual ones as well- yuck !!!!!
Guess WH liked something about her though, they are now
back "on". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think I would have liked to know less...
Slammed

I got the main details at first...where, when, who, what, how, how long. But that only held me off for about a day. I just kept going with questions and still am. It drives my H crazy!! Every time I ask one question, it snowballs into five. My questions never end. I think of at least one new one a day. My H finally decided to stop answering my "stupid" questions. This really irritates me. I want to know it all.

My position is I feel I need to know everything. One of the down sides is I when I find out more info, I just use it against my H in the next argument.

Am I sorry I asked and still do.....no. I'm the type of person that needs to know. It depends on who you are and if you're willing to deal with the consequences of knowing the answers.....more pain, more tears, more thoughts, more images, etc., etc. It's totally up to you. Do what you feel will give you the most peace. For me I would have never been satisfied not knowing what I know now.

-CO

I asked WW all the questions I could think of at the time and got "round about" answers. The one answer I will never forget was to the question..."Where did the two of you have sex"?....She answered"thats none of your business and between me and OM". I filed for divorce the following day. I need to know everything. It'll go along way to reestablishing trust. For me the questions will never go away. Better to deal with them now.

Asking for details is like letting the Genie out of the bottle.

You can’t get him back in you know.

The thing about “all the details” is that you are hungry to find out how awful the betrayal was. You want to know what they were thinking while they were scrumping. You want to know how they could have looked you in the eyes and lied. You want to know if it was a mistake or was it because they are a bad person.

It’s one of the few detective tools that you have to help you piece all of this together.

I asked about very few details. I asked vague questions about them doing it. I asked how many times. I asked where. I wanted to know if it was in my house. I wanted to know what she was thinking about while she was doing him.

Now 8 months later. I am personally glad that I never got the full raw gory stuff. It would serve no purpose for me personally except to produce more vivid imagery in my already overtaxed mind.

Most WS’s seem to want to divulge goodies on the front end of R to relieve themselves of the burden of guilt.

Then something happens where they think you have had enough and they clam up.

Also consider that they will be feeling you out continually to figure out what you know and then start crafting their story along those lines to fill in the blanks that they know they have to.

Whatever you do, you have to make it safe for your FWS to talk to you or they will simply quit doing it. Don't club them over the head with the details that you just asked for.

So really really think hard about the questions that you do ask and request PORH in answering because there is no going back.

Back under the rock,
Plank.

For me, I had to know ALL the details in order to put it all in perspective. Like Joseph's letter, it is all part of puzzle that is not complete unless the facts are known. Without the facts, one cannot comprehend the CONTEXT. This was exactly how I viewed it. And I deeply RESENTED my H's withholding of the facts. Because as long as he didn't tell me, that meant that he and the OW had secrets to which I was not privy. Not exactly a trustbuilding exercise!

However, it always comes to down this basic point: the BS has to decide for himself/herself how much detail he needs in order to recover. And often, just the fact that the WS is WILLING to answer all and any questions is enough to satisfy the BS.

I think this letter puts it best:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

My husbands affair lasted 10 months with three d days. After the first d day, and one time with the OW my husband pretty much told me every detail because I needed to know. After the second d day he told me a lot, but not everything. At this stage he was still in contact with OW, unknown to me. After the third and final d day, which was after the affair ended, I was told everything.
Even now, 18 months after the affair ended I am still asking questions, most of the time just in my head because I know my husband has tried to put that whole episode out of his head and get on with our life. If only it was that easy for me. One big difference with us, after the affair ended, was that my husband was willing to answer any question I asked and talk about everything whenever I wanted or felt the need to. before it ended, but before I knew that, he was not as willing to talk.
I don't know if knowing everything helps or not. I believe that he is telling me everything, but there's part of me that says 'he lied to you before, why not now. maybe he is not telling me stuff to avoid hurting me". He swears that he has told me everything. he has ecen told me that sometimes he feels like there are certain answers that he feels I want but he will not make up answers to suit me. he will only tell me the truth. I still have visions in my head of things in my head that I know he didn't do, but I can't help imagining that he did. He tells me that he never loved OW and that he continued the affair because he was worried that OW would tell me things I didn't know if he didn't keep her happy. he also tells me that there was never any affection, it was just sex, plain and simple. It would kill me if I he had loved her and shared the intimate lovey dovey moments that we do and always have. I couldn't have stayed with him if that had happened (well I don't suppose I could have, but who knows.
Reewil...

After writing what I wrote previously to you and having found out more truth today from OW, I would advise you not to get the info. WS will never, ever tell you the whole truth. I thought I knew it, but I was wrong. It is like I am back to square 1 with this whole situation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Don't even bother, it won't be the whole truth anyway. These WS's are selfish people and do whatever they can to make it "easier" on themselves <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />! They will tell you what THEY think you want to hear.

-CO

Great Letter MelodyLane. I can really relate to that. I just sent it to my WH....not that I'll ever know the whole truth anyway but at least he'll see what I'm going through.

Thanks!

-CO