I got a call from my step-son this morning inviting me to his son's second birthday party.

Since I have very little contact with my husband's family, I asked him to catch me up on how everyone is doing. Son's mom (drug addict) finally got a place to live, and has one of her daughter's with her. The other one is living with her boyfriend. Son's aunt (used to be my best friend) lost her husband and has been grieving.

Both step-daughters are pregnant and expecting any day. One is having a boy, the other a girl. Oldest step-daughter just became a doctor. My brother-in-law and his wife bought a new home, and their 3 kids are doing well.

I won't go on and on, there are about 20 more family members who I asked about. Then my son asked me if I was going to the birthday party. I told him I had to decline, because OW will be there.

He was very disppointed, and told me he would ask his dad not to bring her. I told him not to tell his dad what to do, that we will soon be divorced, and then I may look at things differently.

It just boggles my mind how many people are affected by infidelity. I suppose I should just go, smile, and hold my head up. But I have no desire to spend time with my husband and the OW.

People may criticise that, but I feel like there is no room for a wife and the OW, and everyone pretending that things are just fine.

I explained to my son that I miss him and his family and am sorry for my part in the way things turned out. He started crying.

Believer,

{{{hugz 2 you and your son}}}.

If your son wants to exclude the OW, LET HIM!

If he wants you t/b there instead. GO!

take care,
L.

((((B))))

Don't feel bad for standing up for your principles. You should never force yourself into a position where you are made to think and act like everything is okay. (Unless in Plan A, lol!)

I thought your H was on the outs with his OW. Are you for sure she will be there? I agree with Orchid, if he wants you there instead of her, that is his choice. Don't feel bad, know that you are better than the OW, and that your son's feelings show that.
JJ

Yep, they were on the outs, they split up for a month. Now they are back together. Their relationship has been rocky for months, with lots of arguments. I don't pay much attention any more.

Actually, I think I'm done with the grieving of the marriage and losing my husband, and now on the grieving of losing the rest of the family.

I can keep in contact with my son, but it is difficult. He works two jobs, has a wife and 2 children. He spends most of his free time doing family things with his wife and children. Then there are the big family get togethers, which everyone comes to. But OW comes too.

Believer, I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope WS allow this pain to penetrate their hearts and feel repentant about the damage they have caused and how reprehensible an act an A is. I know your post affected me that way. NOTHING can excuse the selfish actions of an A.

Believer,

I don't really have any advice for you on this matter, just some thoughts. Do with them as you wish.

I am thinking that your step-son, and step-daughters are losing a big part of their family if/when you withdraw from their lives. I am thinking that YOU may well be the only positive influence and source of guidance and sounding they have given how their father is behaving and their bio mom is doing.

I wonder if your hurt (very real) could be overcome enough to give them what clearly your step-son seeks...your presence in their lives and their children's lives. It seems to me they need YOU far more than you realize and it is also evident from your posts about your situation and how you help other people around here that YOU have a lot to give them, that they really really need.

Just some thoughts from a guy that is just learning.

God Bless,

JL

just a thought---could you go early and stay until they get there---and have son tell dad to come late???

Just tossin' an idea at ya believer.......

How about YOU hosting a get together? It doesn't have to be an expensive party. How about a everyone bring your favorite dish? Invite all these family members and extended members that mean so much to you. Keep in touch. You shouldn't have to give up meaningful relationships because of the OW.

BTW, when your stepson asked if you'd be attending his son's party, I'd have replied "I'd love to but I'll have to decline IF your dad plans on bringing the OW. Perhaps you can get back to me and let me know. If she won't be there, I'll definitely go." That would allow him to ASK your H if he plans on bringing her, and to let your H see the rift this has caused in the family.

That is true, JL. I've known these kids since before they went to school. Their mom has always had a drug problem and has never been in their lives very much. They have contact with her a couple times a year, and it has always been that way.

My WH was always a good man. He has raised the kids by himself for the last 15 years, including his 2 step-daughters. That is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

I've been the only consistent mother in their lives. The OW has been in the picture for the last 3 years, but she left her 12 year old daughter and began living with my WH. So I am sure that the kids realize that she is not too dependable.

I've completely lost my relationship with all of the girls. The only one that I am still close to is my son. Most of it was my fault. You see, my WH's daughters knew about the affair, and went out with WH an his OW. After D-day, all of this came out, and words were spoken which I now regret.

I don't know if things could ever be fixed between us. I raised these girls and we were always extremely close.

Believer,

It seems to me you need to be at that b-day party for your son. Someone suggested going early if you really cannot be in the same room with OW. But, being sort of the onery sort <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I would go enjoy the heck out of the party and let OW sweat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You ARE the mother figure here, act like it. That would be my advice. As for your daughters, if you treat your step -son as someone special, I think they will come around. They are young and foolish and have no idea of the pain an affair can cause. What are those words "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."

Believer it is YOUR call, be a part of any of their lives IF they want you because they NEED you more than you can imagine right now and will in the future.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Have a piece of cake for me. I'm on a diet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PPS: Call your daughters and apologize for whatever you said. Do it today. It may make them feel better and it may bring them back into your life. I don't know for sure. BUT, I do know that YOU will feel better and never regret doing this. If you truely do leave this family, leave it with your head held high, and all of the necessary business taken care of.

Believer hon..I know understand and feel your pain.

GIVE THE OW HECK HONEY AND GO! Tell ds that she is NOT WELCOMED! Let WH explain this part!

And go and look like a million bucks. Enjoy the time catching up with them...and your WS will have to stand there, be pleasant and squirm as HE IS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT ALL THIS ON HIMSELF.

You have NOTHING TO HIDE FROM. The OW doesn't want you there...because SHE WANTS TO FIT IN. DON'T LET HER!

I did it. Sure did. I have endured two years of ow at my ds's birthday parties. She comes to them, yet I AM NOT INVITED TO THE OC'S BIR THDAY PARTY.

Hmmm...did anybody get that one? She comes to my ds's party, but I am not allowed at OC's party? Why?

And I can tell you...the OW will squirm EVEN MORE THAN THE WS if you are gracious, talking to family members, smiling, looking great, and seeing the family love you. She will hate it! She will want to run and hide.

I did it myself. Within five mos. of the divorce and 3 mos. of his marrying the ow, I had to deal w/her at my ds's party. She was there with her newborn baby. and me? I was smiling...all the other kids' moms knew me...and were giving lurid looks to OW. (not to baby though...we're not like that). They did not include her. They did/do not speak to her. They interacted with me and with my XWS.

That is how it is to this day. At my ds's parties, XH and I throw them. She just stands in the back of the room and whispers...she will bring one friend to stay with her during the parties as she feels too uncomfortable to be there really. I guess she's afraid of more exposure! Which I give at all opportunities.

Now I just wink and say "well you know bout them".

GO GO GO.

do not let some cheap excuse of a woman run YOU off from YOUR family. You were a great stepmom to this man. Now be there for him! You don't have to give up rights to your family.

You're still his choice. He wants YOU in his life! Be there! Don't miss out.

The WS is the one missing out on a real life. NOT YOU BELIEVER!

I love ya girl...go, whether ow is there or NOT!

And to beg your kindest pardon my dear ,

when you said there is no room for OW and W...that part you wrote?

Lemme CLARIFY THAT FOR EVERYBODY...THERE IS NO ROOM FOR BOTH OW AND W AT A FAMILY GATHERING...THAT'S WHY THE OW WENCH HAS GOTTA GO! so help her out socially by attending and solving that dilemma for her. Their wittle brains do not work well when perfused with fog! (sorry, medical analogy again)

((((believer))))

Believer,

You have been good enough to give me advice over these last weeks so let me return the favor. This happens to be an area in which I have some experience. I am in a similar situation where I raised two stepsons. Their mother is a recovering drug addict and a paroled criminal. The youngest step son has stayed with me while WH left. HE has stated that I am his parent and he plans to go nowhere else. One of the older stepsons who never lived with us has become very close to me over the years as well. He is married and I will tell you that if he had a son and invited me to his son's party, I wouldn't miss it. I would take him up on the offer to have Dad not bring the OW and if Dad brought her anyway, I would ignore her and hold my head up high. These are your children - parenthood is much more than biology. He invited you because in his mind, you are his mother and this is your granchild. Don't let a thoughtless act on the part of your WH and OW deprive you of this joy.

Nkay

((( Believer )))

My opinion is that I think you should do what you want to do... Do what the voice deep inside of you is telling you to do.... what you are comfortable with...

You have come so far and grown so much and helped many others to do the same. I think after all that has happened, you must remain true to yourself...

If you want to do it ---- do it.

If you don't want to do it ---- don't do it.

You are a very wise and warm woman, and good things will come to you... they will

P.S. I also like the idea of hosting a party yourself and including who you would like to see.... But, if only this is something you are comfortable doing...

My very best to you, Believer

Carnation

Believer, I didn't know your WH and OW got back together. Sounds just like mine. Things got a bit heated between him and OW, so he thought he'd see if I'd have him back. But, being as you are very close to finalising your divorce, perhaps it is time to hold your head high and let bygones be bygones. Your kids probably miss you like crazy but have kept allegiance with their biological dad. Everyone knows he did wrong but he has been a good dad to them and they love him. I think the person who would be most awkward at the party should be the OW - the one who truly doesn't belong! I think you should attempt to rejoin family events, but if it doesn't feel right, then back away gracefully. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. TT

Believer, my opinion is GO TO THE PARTY! Your son threw out a lifeline and you need to catch it. Family is the important thing. You have made the decision to divorce. It's time to move on.

Ask yourself, are you better with or without them in your life? My guess would be WITH. If you want a relationship with these children, children you have helped raised and provided a stabilizing influence, you need to interact with them. I sense that you mourn the contacts that have been broken by your STBXCH's A. Your SIL sounds like she could use an old friend right now. If and when you divorce, your X might have somebody different there for every party. Can you forgive and go to the next place?

Put on your big girl pants, make yourself beautiful, buy a killer present for the kid and go. The present doesn't have to be expensive, just spot on for the age group. I'm sure somebody on this board has a kid the same age and can give you advice.

I like the idea of having your own party but you need to break the ice first. It kind of sounds like a Clue game to invite everybody without any initial interaction.

Don't let the party go on without you.

After I posted, I thought of this:

About 9 years ago, my niece got married. For some reason and I do not know why, she sent invitations to all of her aunts and uncles on her dad's side of the family.

Here's the first weird part: My niece was about 30 then and I had not personally seen her since she was 18 months old. Her mom and my brother had moved to Alaska, divorced and she drifted from our family. She was estranged from her dad. Most of my siblings had had no contact with her.

Here's the second weird part: We all came to the wedding, every single aunt and uncle, most of the spouses and some cousins. My gosh, was she surprised! Several of us flew in and probably added 15 people to the party. Her mom was there was her second husband. My brother was there with his son from his second marriage. We had a great time.

Here's the best part: We all made a connect that has blossomed. Her husband and kids came to our family reunion last summer. She and I write. We have increased our circle of family. It's wonderful.

Thank God, she decided to invite us and we accepted. It's paid back a million times.

Believer.
It troubles me to see you so down. You're always such a rock on this board.

Several folks have said that you need to do what you feel is right for you. I agree. That would be an awkward situation. But, as someone else said, the OW would be the person who would feel most awkward b/c she is clearly the person on the outside looking in. She doesn't have a real position in this family. You have a position that she can never take over. The rift caused by her and your H will only hurt her in the long run.

As hard as it may be, your son asked you to go. Do you think he did it out of obligation or b/c he really wants you there? If b/c he wants you there, go. Be nice. Be wonderful. Be funny. The Bible says when you do nice things to people who have hurt you, you heap hot coals on their head.

You've done nothing wrong. You should not have to lose out on the family connections b/c your H has chosen a different path.

I'm so sorry things have taken such a turn for you. But, you seem to have peace over the situation. I wish you the best.

Believer,

You have been a wonderful source of help for me and I wish I could do the same for you. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong. You are the Mom that you DSS wants to see. Not the OW. She is an interloper and you are the one with whom God is standing. Hold your head up high and take your rightful place as the beloved mom and grandma. You earned it. That wench earned nothing but the dirty looks she gets.

(((((Believer))))))

Loni

Believer, I agree with the others here...you are divorcing the WH....you do not have to divorce those that still want you in their lives like DSS....you bring such a positive influence to so many things...your DSS still want you involved and asked for you to attend. Whether you go to the event or celebrate at another time....you are a desired part of their lives...and that can still go on....it is a way of preserving the positive that came out of the experience would you say?

Hope you are feeling a little less sad....