This is something that just struck me about this current round with Crystal. For anyone who's WS has been wayward more than once (that you know of), I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

For all sorts of reasons, it was easy for me to accept almost all the blame for Crystal's first round of infidelities. I had fallen far short of the H I should have been. I refused to accept blame for her choice(s) to do what she did, but I eagerly accepted everything up to that point.

I suppose a sober appraisal of how I could be a better H is always appropriate. And, I know I did leave the doors of Crystal's heart unguarded, but I shouldn't have been so eager to accept so much blame, because, in so doing, I let Crystal rationalize that what she did wasn't so bad. As a matter of fact, she's never really appologized for what she did to me. She'll say, "Sorry," in the sense of, "Sorry I ran over you, but geez, Hechts was having a sale, and you should have known to stay off of the sidewalk!" But she's not ever appologized to me for violating her covenant with me.

I think that's what left her open to the subsequen A. She wasn't really sorry. She despised or at least totally disrespected me, and so she really didn't feel sorry, except that she was still married to me.

When this current A started (of course, she adamantly denies it was an A, since she claims she didn't get physical w/ him, *and* most importantly, she was not living at home at the time she commenced the relationship), I was willing to continue to work on doing better at meeting her needs, but that didn't matter to her. And then I realized, I had nothing left to appologize for. I couldn't find any way to blame myself.

When I realized that, that's when I finally had the resolve to move forward, and stand up to her selfish cake-eating demands, and deny them in my, and my kids' best interest.

I honestly don't know if we will ever be a family again. I know that though I'm not perfect, and I am significantly responsible for the fact that our marriage had deterioriated, I know that I did NOTHING to invite this infidelity.

I'm still sad. But, I guess I have the comfort that I AM doing the right thing for my kids and for myself. I do love her. I think I will always have a special place in my heart for her, but I'm done chasing after her and begging her to come home.

The door is still openable for her return, but it's not standing open anymore... It's just not locked. Now, if she decides to return, she's going to have to become accountable and demonstrate her committment to the marriage.

Did any of you have similar revelations or epiphanies, or was I just a tad bit slow not to get this a whole lot earlier? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The truth of a matter generally shows up at about the same time we are able to handle it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kind of OT to your thread....but when do you take your bar exam?

Maybe you accepted the blame for her actions because that would mean you had control over *her* actions. In other words, if you could cause her cheat, you could prevent her from cheating, too.

Make sense?

Of course, now you know that none of that is true.
Mulan

Mulan,

Perhaps you're right. I guess it was the fear of losing her that prompted me to want to believe that I could cause or prevent her bad behavior.

Funny thing, I suppose, is that even though this truth is liberating, I still miss her, and I'm so sad that she's so committed to destroying the family. I don't think she even knows WHY she is compelled to do it, but every time the fortress around her heart shows signs of weakness, she soon redoubles her resolve.

Well, regardless to whether or not I want a divorce, she's gone, and I don't expect her back any time soon, and maybe not ever.

Lemonman,
As for when do I take the bar... I took the Texas Bar exam back in the last week of February. I won't know the results for another month or so. I expect to take the local bar exam in July.

TD with Your's and Crystals history, it's not that surprising really is it. You would do better to move on. SOme marriages can't be saved. It's not lik ethis is a standard case of infidelity IMHO.

All the best.

Can you elaborate further, Bigkahuna? What constitutes a "standard case of infidelity"? And can ones that differ from these not be saved as a rule?

Yes, I had such a revelation...also a bit late in the game. My FWH realized I was done...that this was mainly about his choice to be unfaithful again 2 yrs after having gone through a horrid 4 yrs 'soulmate' A. I actually thought he had gone back to the same OW and was shocked when it was a new one.

The difference is that he became very remorseful, repentant and actively set out to prove that he could be a faithful husband to me. We went through the MB program together. It seems he finally got it. We are 'recovered' (I don't really like sounding 'absolute', because there will never be 100% trust, and according to Harley...there shouldn't be).

BigKahuna,

Let me kindly disagree with you. Crystal's and my "history" up until the past year was pretty vanilla.

You say I'd do "better" to move on. I suppose in the sense of I'd do better to move on than stay in this state of grief, yes. I'd do better to move on than to get her back as an unrepentant WS just waiting for the next opportunity, of course. But, would I do better than to have her back, restored, or, at least, healing into the person she ought to be and committed to this family? No. I do believe that at this point, that's God's best plan for me and my family, but since it's contingent on the willing participation of the players, He'll take care of me if the best plan doesn't happen.

It sounds to me as though you were suggesting that our marriage shouldn't recover. I fully disagree with you there, but "should"s and "shouldn't"s mean nothing when the real issues are "will"s and "won't"s.

So, I will move on because that's the nature of life.

I wouldn't say "swinging" is part of any vanilla marriage.


Hmm. Nice try Counsellor but you aren't in court now so please don't read words that aren't actually there.

I would like nothing more than for your marriage to survive. But you have way more baggage here than a forum such as this can help you deal with and it looks like professional help isn't possible at this time.

BigKahuna,

It appears you're attempting to play out-lawyer the new lawyer. Honestly, it's not a game I'm interested in.

Nevertheless, let me point you to the key phrase: "up until the past year." I take it from your comment that you think we are some sort of long-term swingers or something. That's simply not true. We had all of ONE (count it slowly, ONE) "swinging" experience, and that was less than a year ago. ALL of Crystal's extramarital stuff has happened within the last year.

Let me kindly point out something else, I wasn't saying you did or didn't say anything, I told you what your comments "sounded to me" like. I am more than happy to own my interpretations of what you say. It would be unfair to attribute what I think about what you said fully to you.

Maybe you're right that this forum can't possible help us. At this point, I'm interested in help for me, not "us." Be that as it may, your annointing yourself judge-&-jury over what success we may be able to achieve here or elsewhere, is annoying, and, if I may say so, uncalled for.

i have been on both sides of the fence...when i was newly married i didnt walk the straight and narrow and had an inappropriate relationship, my X never knew of this, it came out many years later...i chose to break it off and stay in my marriage...(fast forward many years) in june 03 my X became involved in an affair with a married fella...it was discovered in 11/03, half [censored] attempt by her (i was destroyed) at couseling...long story short i seperated in 3/04 and our divorce was final 10/06...she married her affair partner 11/06...(all this made my head spin)..

i said all that to get to my point...i BEAT myself up for almost a year...begged...cried and was a wreck...it affected my health (stress related issues) but in the long run, it was ME...who refused to return to what i believed was a treacherous relationship...

i did not know of this website during my time of need and basically winged it...i had sucesses and failures...but i have a favorite saying now..."God takes care of idiots"...yes...i was an idiot at times....toatlly blew it more often than not...

i wanted my life back, (as i knew it) even though i know the road to recovery was going to be difficult. we were married for over 15 years...

i have walked in your shoes and know how you feel, i learned through all this, read some of the posts, and it pretty obvious..human nature is very predictable, whether its addictions to drugs, love, affairs or alcohol...some patterns are very consistant.

i threw in the towel and have moved on...i have a great relationship with my kids, have been dating a great woman for the last 10 months...(yes i went through the "player" phase and rock n roll bachelor life) but im 42...and the recovery time takes longer than being 24!!!!!

i have certain regrets...and i will always love my X, but im now struggling with true forgiveness...i still let her piss me off and i get a little envious with her "fairy tale" life...even though i know its all a front....she looks haggered, put on alot of weight and in serious debt...maybe thats my reward....i ride to sturgis...go to cabo, go hunting and fishing with my kids and have completly re-prioritized my life....

but....there still remains the "what if" question i may never get a true answer to, what if...i would have fought harder...what if she went through a mid-life crisis and woulda snapped out of it...what if...what if... i know time heals this...

your story caused me to refect on some things like...what if...i would have reconcilled and had to go through the same hurt again or again...that was a road i did not want to travel twice...

i read numerous books and self help issues with human behavior...self esteem, getting your life back together....i can pass them along if your interested...

i can say though...that life now is better than its been in years..to have someone really love for who you are is awesome (isnt that what we are all looking for)

im not a proponent of divorce...not at all...however i had to answer the question..."at what price" was i willing to pay to keep a marriage to someone who treated me and our children the way she did...i now know she has a very destructive nature and the major issues are her cross to bear...

i hardened my self and reached the point of no return...

all i can say to you...keep your faith in God, but dont forget about "unanswered" prayers...and that God gives us all free will...also keep your self esteem in tact, take care of your health and if you have kids...put them at the top of your list of priorities....

also...in reading your orig post...i found the harder i chased or pursued the faster she ran away...being needy and clingy are very unattractive...

if you want i can go in alot more details what i did and some ideas that may work for you...its like the old saying "if i knew then, what i know now"...

good luck...only you know when you reach YOUR point of no return.

Sturgis,

Thanks. Right now I'm just standing back. I know she's going to run full-steam into a wall at some point. You can't go after the life she seems to be seeking without consequences.

I wanted to save her from that, but, and this took a long time to come to grips with, I can't. It wouldn't be right for me to save her against her will anyway.

So, now, I'm just standing back. The only things that are really important to me, as far as motivations on what I *do* are (1) developing and maintaining a right relationship with God, and (2) giving my kids all the love and protection I can.

There's a lot of pain and damage I cannot prevent them from incurring because of their mother's choice, but I am still attempting to minimize the damage.

You said you're struggling with forgiveness. Whatever my struggles are, forgiving isn't really one of them. My two greatests resources in this respect are (1) my parents who never let a conflict remain festering or get in the way of family, and (2) a book called "Choosing Forgiveness".

I STRONGLY believe that if my wife ever does read that book (which she *did* take with her) that it would have a profound impact on her.

In the end, I think that for now and the foreseeable future, my purpose is to leave the rescuing to God, and continuing to pray for Crystal. I, myself, don't feel released to seek an absolute divorce until God gives me peace in my spirit that says the time for praying for her has ended. I don't know who else that really cares for her, other than me and the kids, is praying for her, so for now, that's my job. Right now, my "point of no return" is the Biblical limit (if she remarries, I can never take her back). At some point, God may give me peace to cut the remaining emotional bonds with her.

Thanks.