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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 34
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 34 |
Hi again,
It has been 3 weeks since EA ended and things havent been too bad.W and me have been trying to make marriage work and things are better but on Monday OM will be back in town for 3 days(no contact is alledgedly being enforced). I need some ideas on how to play this one as it is eating me up at the moment. My W has her own business and is free to move around whenever she wants..I on the other hand am not.The idea of her meeting him does not freak me out as I would then move on but I feel I MUST know one way or the other.Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 2,457 |
If you can afford it hire a private investigator for the 3 days or ask a close friend to follow her. You will then have your answer.
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
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Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044 |
make sure she is accountable for her time in the coming days... every minute of it.
Also, talking to her about your fear is important. It will serve notice to her that you expect NC to remain in effect. Ask her how she is feeling regarding this. Has a NC letter been sent? Are you in MC?
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906 |
gooner...
what does your wife say about him coming to town...
can you two talk openly..
can you ask her how much of a temptation it is to talk to him if any...
can you tell her how scared it makes it you feel...
are you two communicating..
bigger picture of recovery is that both of you are going to have triggering moments...
you two need to learn to turn towards eachother when these occur NOT away in doubt in mistrust...
hit this head on with HER....
have you
what holds you back if you haven't..
in other words what are you afraid of..
ark
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ask her how she will prove to you there is no contact with him. You need that reassurace since she has violated your trust in the past.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
If you can afford it, I would put a GPS tracker in her car. If that is too expensive, put a voice activated recorder in her car.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823 |
Gooner-
You are getting excellent advice.......but please let me give you a word of warning.
DO NOT put it to your wife the way you are putting it down here to us.....do not make it "If you have contact with him, I'm done". Don't make ultimatums you can't keep.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 34
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 34 |
Thanks everyone.. the day has arrived.. W is continuing to act like she doesnt know OM is in town for 3 days.. MAYBE she is telling the truth as she has promised there has been no contact since exposure of EA... I have not told her that I know(OMW is in contact with me).. I am just trying to check if there are any mood changes but of course paranoia is setting in and I seem to find reasons for everything!!! Why the heart shape earrings today for example!! I have set up some checks during the day to see if she is in the office etc.. so only time will tell.. I want to believe her or I would not be giving her this second chance.. I am trying not to talk about the past and concentrate on the future and she is aware of my insecurity.. if she does know OM is in town then it will be an interesting 3 days of bluff and counter bluff... anyway I hope it is just my paranoia but I did tell her if there was contact I must know because I did not want to be lied to again and she pormised she would tell me..Anyway let the games commence!!
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
Hey Gooner,
I agree with MelodyLane and Ark,
You should talk about it with her - not use it as some kind of test. It's a good opportunity to build imtimacy. Don't blow that.
BK
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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Joined: Sep 2001
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I wouldn't want a marriage based on bluffs and counter bluffs...
either you are in a valueable recovery or you are not..
either you are working and building on communication and tackling the fears of triggers and contact or you are not...
why would you not talk about the past...is not reviewing what works and doesn't/didn't work a way to learn from past mistakes....
silence and burying of fears of a killer of marriages..
are you two in counseling
ARK
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