But an Affair MOST DEFINITELY disregards the feelings of the BS...EXPOSURE is NOT recklessly disregarding the "feelings" of the WS...it is part of Plan A...and Plan A-ALL OF IT-is one of the most selfless acts that I have EVER witnessed...BSes are to be admired for their ability to do that...that is the epitome of STRENGTH...I'm not sure that I would have what it takes...SERIOUS GUTS...they ALL absolutely AWE me...AMAZING...REALLY, REALLY AMAZING...I hope that you will someday see that about your husband, sfjaj...

And YES, it is the responsiblity of either spouse to save the other...but ESPECIALLY when one is acting as CRAZY as does an active WS...when you are married you become one...you are to look out for the other...UH HUH!!!

And, sfjaj, we all KNOW that you can't see the FOG that you ARE in...you will someday...when you do, come back and read your old posts...you will be astounded...I always am when I go back...I had NO clue...and took offense to being called foggy too...I DO UNDERSTAND...more than you know right now...I will pray for you...

Mrs. Wondering

Well, what an interesting debate. I've been feeling rather spunky lately, so I'll jump in. Many of you have been great advisors and sources of help and support. Many thanks to you. Hopefully, I will not offend any of you.

I see this debate as two different topics, that seem to be getting jumbled around.

1) Newbie advice on exposure in general. Am I still a newbie? - oh how it would warm my heart to be designated a non-newbie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2) Exposure maximization.

On point 1, I think we can call the first exposure event D-Day. (Isn't that the first time the light of day shines on the A?) In some cases, this exposure is enough to end the A. In the instances where it is not, the BS is crushed. They come to the MB site and their mind is flooded with thoughts, questions, like a drowning man flailing in the water. When they get here, they get a heavy dose of the MB principles. I think most who read this post know those, so I won't go into them.

Early on when I got advice from folks, it was a mixed bag, but clearly had a common theme. Rprynne, you can do this, step 1 end the A. I'll not rehash the details, but along the way, I was told you need to expose the A.

I personally never struggled with exposure. Melody was always there to keep pushing me and supporting me. I had questions, and Melody would answer them, but her message was always a consistent no BS you must do this. No wiggle room, no exceptions. I believe Melody tried every technique to encourage me to expose. Nice, tough, goading, pleading, etc.

As I look back on that now, I understand and appreciate her actions. I don't think Melody is a vengeful woman (although she is from Texas, and its probably wise to stay out of her crosshairs). I think Melody has seen many people pop up on these boards feeling the chaos that is the short time after D-day. She knows what they have to do. Knows it. End the A, end the A - exposure is the best tool in the toolbox.

As a BS, when your drowning, this thought or idea frightens you. If I expose, this will be the final strike of the axe that destroys my M. (Maybe some are worried about appearences, etc.) So, they have objections and concerns about the advice that is given. The answers to those objections or concerns that comes from the experts is (in general) don't worry about it, just do it.

To some, I can see how that seems like cold machiavellian advice. (I know when my FWW first read Melody's post she said "That woman frightens me. She sure is H*** bent on exposure). But I don't view that advice as cold. It is simply what must be done. Most newbies are terrified of exposure. They will use anything to justify avoiding it. The experts know this, they have felt it themselves. This is why they don't back off or let up, they care about the other folks and want to help.

So when giving advice to a newbie, I also refrain from even hinting about using any sort of finesse when exposing. A crack in one's position about this is more likely to result in the BS avoiding or delaying exposure. IMHO, this just causes more pain. For both the BS and the WS. (I know some may say how can delaying exposure cause more pain for the WS, but I think it can - I'll save that for another post).

Anyway, IMO advice on exposure for newbies, has to be all go, no quit, no finesse, end justifies the means, don't worry about using a scalpel, a sledgehammer will do the trick, etc. I think when veterans see anyone, back down from this, they get nervous. They don't want to see any BS shy away from this crucial element in ending an A. They will go to great lengths to defend that position. It is just too important that newbies get this point, usually when they first get here, they are already dealling with a thousand thoughts and emotions, and some need the message board to virtually rise up in one voice and say expose the A, no if's and's or but's about it.

Now, let's get to the exposure maximiazation question. I think this is what SC is asking. What method or principles can be used during exposure that generates the desired effect (ending the A) in the shortest time possible, while minimizing the negative feelings the WS may have about the exposure. I think she accepts that exposure is neccessary, but wants to know if it can be improved upon.

It's a finesse question.

I struggled with should I expose my FWW at her work. She did not work with the OM, and the OM had nothing to do with her work. I asked advice around here. The first advice I got was consistent with the above. But after awhile, when the veterens knew, I was not having any doubts about exposure, some engaged in the conversation and some conceded that I could consider using a scalpel. (To be fair, some did not, they still advised the sledgehammer route). My question was simple, if I exposed my wife at her work, she would get fired. I had no doubt about this. Her getting fired would most likely force her to move back home (at least for a time) and since her new job is in another city, (the city in which the OM lives), I could feel even safer about NC.

I pondered this for quite some time. I ultimately decided to not expose at her work. Maybe it would have made recovery go faster or easier, maybe there would not have been a relapse. I don't know for sure. But my head and heart tell me that my FWW would not have forgiven me. She would never have viewed this as anything but venegeful. But, I would not advise this or share this with a newbie. It can be too easily be twisted into their own justification for not going through with exposure. I would not want that

So if I was talking to a non-newbie or someone who clearly got the idea of exposure, but was looking to mazimize it, I would say maybe their is some finesse in exposure. But, honestly, I would say its very little. I think the only finesse comes in deciding the people that have influence with the WS, and the message you give the people you are exposing to. I took this very much into consideration.

In the past, my FWW has expressed to me that she is upset about the exposure I did. I understand that. She would just as soon had nobody find out about it. I calmly say to her, I wish I didn't have to do it, but you would not end your A. I did what I thought was the best thing for our M. I have told her who I exposed to and why. I did not tell her friends, because they had no influence with her. I told my IL's because I hoped they would have some influence with her. I talked to her sister about it, but my FWW had already told her sister. I told her aunt, who I believe does have influence with her. I did not tell her brother. (To be honest, while he may have influence with her, I was too ashamed. - sue me, I'm not perfect)

In all cases, I used the MB principles - meaning I told them what I knew, what my intentions were, I was fighting for my marriage, and any support they were willing to give was appreciated.

I told my parents, but not for any influence, I was just a mess and needed some support.

So, if your asking theoretically is their some principles to follow, so that exposure does not impede recovery. In my mind, yes. But this is dangerous talk on these boards. Unlike recovery, which is a very narrow path, exposure is a very wide path. IMHO, the only contraints should be; it is only used to end the A (not to punish or deter a WS who has already ended the A), limit it to people who have influence with the WS (if its a workplace problem, you don't have to e-mail the entire company, just the manager and HR), and stay on message with the people you expose to (no WS bashing, just here's the facts, I want my marriage, any help you can provide is appreciate).

But, I feel like if your going to make an error in this process, you are more likely to recover your M from over exposure, then under exposure. I think many vets feel this way, and this is why they don't advise dwelling on these constraints. Let's face it, if I wanted too, I could have convinced myself that none of the people I exposed to have any influence with my FWW. I think the vets work very hard to keep newbies from going down this path and thus shy away from any finesse when talking exposue. Its just too likely to blow up on you.

I know for me it was very hard for me to do. I got no pleasure or satisfaction from it. I hope my FWW will one day realize that I did it because I care for her and wanted to fight for our M.

As always, just my opinion, and always open to new advice. If anyone thinks, my finesse comments are going to mislead any newbies, I'll be more than willing to consider deleting them.

rprymme, you might also want to post your message on the exposure thread started by worthatry.

My question is did you try just THREATENING to expose before exposing? (In Pepperband's post, Dr Harley said that is often all it takes.)

I would think the least exposure to DO THE JOB would be the best route in the long term. (The rest of your lives together as a recovered married couple.)

You said about exposure: "IMHO, the only constraints should be; it is only used to end the A (not to punish or deter a WS who has already ended the A.)"

That is excellent advice and should be a main header in all exposure adice.

I still believe that threatening to tell children, parents etc should absolutely be considered before actually exposing to others. It might be all it takes to STOP the affair, dead in it's tracks as WS DO NOT want others to know their SHAMEFUL SECRET. (Often all it takes to stop affairs is informing OP's spouse.)

Um, celt, no not exactly...you took that quote COMPLETELY out of context...the quote that Pep used in her post was this...


-emphasis, mine...

Notice, if you will, that what is being talked about here is a threat from third party exposure, or perhaps the other infidel...it is NOT refering to the BS exposing. As a betrayed spouse you NEVER threaten exposure...Forewarned is Forearmed...the infidels will merely warn everyone in advance about the "nut job" who is spreading lies about them...you CAN see this, right?



Yes, and rprynne is RIGHT about this(with ONE exception that I will explain below)...Ending the affair is what exposure is designed to do...No one here EVER advises exposure for punishment...or retaliation...that would make NO SENSE whatsoever...Exposure is part of Plan A...Plan A is for ENDING the AFFAIR and ATTRACTING the WS back to the MARRIAGE...Exposure is NOT EVER recommended to be cruel or humiliating...again, that would not make sense...Here's something that may surprise you...exposure is NOT recommended in Plan B...because that WOULD seem like retaliation and punishment, et al. See we are not zealots...no one here advises exposure because they enjoy it...that would be perverse...



NO...NO...NO they are NOT!!! The ONLY person that the A should be exposed to AFTER the A is over is the OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSE...Dr. Harley advises that this be done ALWAYS...It serves to keep the affair from resuming and it is a moral obligation...You, and many others, have been led to believe a lot of things regarding exposure that are FALSE...THAT is EXACTLY why I spoke up on the other thread...

celt, you are VERY MUCH helping to prove my point of how dangerous that these type threads are here...you are relatively new to this site(2/06)...because of this controversy, you are NOT learning the MB program properly...that makes me very sad...I honestly am sorry for that...without MB, Mr. W and I most likely would not have recovered our marriage...It is a truly wonderful program...I hope that you will stick around and learn what MB really is about...


Mrs. Wondering


P.S. celt, I don't mean to pick on you...BUT...was the "shout out" on the other thread about this one really necessary when you think about it??? smartcookie specifically brought "this" away from that thread...you don't HELP anyone by doing that...that IS pot stirring...EASY, ok?

"Frequently, merely the threat of exposure causes an affair's end."

Mrs. Wondering, I do not think that was taken out of context at all.

Ok, add the entire paragraph:
"Removing the secrecy of an affair by its exposure is often the only "upset" necessary to end it. Frequently, merely the threat of exposure causes an affair's end, even before a BS knows it's happening."

Common sense would be not to use a bomb of exposure to stop the affair if all you needed was a threat.

I thought the entire goal was to get the blankety blank affair STOPPED!!! For the future of our marriages, the less people that know, the better!

Of course OP's spouse should know what is going on; that is a given. And often, that is all it takes to STOP an affair.

If a WS becomes a FWS; then no exposure or even the threat of exposure is needed.

Hi all,

My, my... this has been a busy little thread while I've been away from the computer. So much to catch-up on.

First one bit of houskeeping: Top Rope, Nice way to take something I wrote out of context so you could get your little dig in. Nice to meet you, too.

<=== smartcookie takes a long, deep draw from NT's peace pipe... exhales... and proceeds with the next post... ===>

Smartcookie,

Regarding the WAY (HOW) an A should be exposed - I personally believe in the “concentric circles of exposure” technique to help the BS bring the A to an end. This technique is best described by the following old post of star*fish:

"Exposure is one of the strongest and most necessary parts of ending affairs....especially when NC cannot be established or affairs have become entrenched. The right time to do it is Plan A. Why? Because in Plan B....it is viewed far more as revenge, sour grapes and simply vindictive. When you are actively trying to save your marriage is when you should expose.

The model of exposure I like best is done in steps. Because exposure is so traumatic...and can cause huge withdrawals...do the exposure that is necessary. Is the OM married...if so...then exposure begins with his wife. Wat and I recently discussed this....he called it a model of concentric circles:

At the center is the WS....they are the first to be told what you know and how you know it. Just outside of that circle is the other BS (if there is one). Together...they are the first line of defense against no contact. If contact ends....exposure goes no farther. If contact continues after it has been revealed to them....close family (parents, siblings on both sides) plus a trusted pastor or priest... are the next circle. If contact ends...it goes no further. If contact resumes, close friends/neighbors who are also friends of the marriage would be informed. If contact still continues....the last circle are work and church."

I know there are posters who believe in exposing the A to everyone (key people) in one fell swoop in one single day (a method which certainly have it’s merits and advantages), but personally I believe the above technique (“concentric circles” technique) is better. I don’t have any personal experience on exposure (I'm a FWW who didn't need to be exposed by my BH although I've exposed myself to my Mom and some of my close Girl Friends after my EA ended), so this is just my humble opinion.

ummm no. You don't understand HOW exposure works. The goal of exposure is to kill the affair by REMOVING THE SECRECY. Making threats does not achieve this. Secrecy ENABLES the affair.

Making threats to expose is doing nothing more than forearming the AFFAIREE with your BATTLE PLAN. Before you go into battle do you GIVE YOUR OPPONENT YOUR BATTLE PLAN? Of course not!

Making threats not only defeats the purpose of exposure, but it takes away that weapon for any future use. When the affairee is forewarned, they simply get to the exposure target first and spin the story with the BS starring as the "insanely jealous nut" who thinks I am having an affair with everyone." Then the truth never gets out.

IMHO, I think exposure is a good thing, but as has been said, only to end the A or to allow the OP's spouse to make their own decisions in their own M. In my case, there was MASSIVE exposure AFTER the A had ended, in fact we had been in recovery for nearly 7 months, when my MIL took it upon herself to tell her WHOLE family, under the impression that, "We need to pray for them" and this after my H BEGGED his father for them NOT to say anything! The only damage that caused was a rift between my H and my MIL and caused my H's brother's and their wives to be frustrated as well with MIL. I had already spoken with my parents and my sister all with in 2-3 weeks of D-day(my parents the day after) and that was to ask forgiveness for what I had done. The only reason(for personal reasons we wouldn't have told them anything) my in-laws knew anything, they were visiting the week of D-day and certain things happened in which they HAD to know, like my H wasn't home for a short time due to the way the military deals with things like this to keep everyone safe.

So, from an oldie who's been both the WW and the BW, exposure is good to end the A, but it is not good for the M in cases like mine, when someone OTHER than the BS chooses to "inform" the rest of the family against the M'd couple's will. I also feel that the OP's spouse should be told, although they weren't told in our sitches. I agree that it helps with keeping any further continuance/reoccurance of the A. Having been on both ends of the coin, it's not easy to be either party, but the relief that I felt when the A was over(it was starting to go WAY south and I was beginning to fear for my safety and that of my kids, and xmom actually attacked my H in our driveway on D-day and threatened his life!) was SO much better than anything I ever felt even during the A. In fact, the fears were/are so great that it was a MAJOR deciding factor in not telling xmom about the P. Unfortunately, my case is a rare one, where there was no issues with withdrawl or wanting to continue the A. My H's first A, there was very minimal exposure and he kept up an EA with the OW who had a history of this behaviour, probably would have been a PA if the distance wasn't a factor. I feel that if I had exposed, maybe our M would have been different. Who knows, but I do know now that we are VERY happy, and anxious to be together again(H's on the other side of the country and the kids and I will join him after school is over) in June. We are coming up on 6 years in recovery and though it's been rocky at times, we know what's worth fighting for and now, thanks to MB, how to do it right.

Good luck, and good night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Suzet, I agree there are times when concentric circles are warranted, but I think it is dangerous to offer it up as a general principle. And let me tell you why.

Many fresh BS' are paralyzed by fear about exposure and do not want to do it AT ALL. I have seen them take the "concentric circle" advice and use it to no effect in order to take the EASIER, SOFTER approach. What happened is that the affair went on and their exposure was useless, rendering that weapon completely useless for future use.


Often, there IS no one beyond just those who should be told in the FIRST circle anyway and giving this advice encourages them to chop up a meaningful expozure list to acheive what they think are concentric circles. I think circles needs to be CLEARLY DEFINED and it is never defined here, to the detriment of many newbies. And it really can't be defined because every situation has a completely different cast of characters.


For example, a BS used the "concentric circles" and instead of exposing to parents and OMW, he exposed to only his MIL. And then waited. Nothing happened except the WW was annoyed and she was able to pre-empt others when she found out her mother had been told. By the time the BS got the nerve to expose to others, they had been told he was a jealous nut who was imagining things.

However, if this BS had made up a list of ESSENTIAL TARGETS and done this all in one day, the tsunami of truth would have had the MAXIMUM IMPACT. The affairees would have suffered a shock from which would be hard to recover and they would not be able to forewarn others. They would know that many others were watching them, which would be RUINOUS to the affair.

Concentric circles can work in some cases, such as doctors or nurse - or other professionals - in workplace affairs. I think that HR should always be a first line of exposure in workplace affairs, but if that doesn't work, then the hospital board, and beyond, needs to notified.

In cases like that, I can see how concentric circles could work. WITHOUT FOREWARNING. But in most of the cases we see here, they can do nothing but HARM when the fearful BS uses it as an excuse to avoid doing a meaningful and effective exposure.

In most of the cases I see here, the best tactic is to make up a list of key targets who should know anyway, such as parents, OP's spouse and employer, if a workplace affair. It is best done in ONE FELL SWOOP in order to reap the maximum shock and prevent pre-emption. To do otherwise is very ineffective and rarely has any impact at all. It is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight, IMO.

MrsW, Celt is a newbie who only comes here to stir up trouble and annoy others. His speciality is piling on, inciting, name calling and then crying to the mods when the going gets tough. A real treasure to our board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, rprynne, you understand me EXACTLY. I am not vengeful, but I am PASSIONATELY HOPEFUL. [and locked and loaded, baby <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />] And when a newly destroyed BS comes here, I so badly want him to do the things I KNOW WILL SAVE HIM. We see him sitting in the path of a steamroller and we are yelling GET UP AND MOVE! But he is often paralyzed in fear and cannot think or move.

I treat people exactly how I would want to be treated. If I came here paralyzed with FEAR and you had the experience and the knowledge necessary to possibly save my marriage, I would want you to HOLD ME DOWN until I listened to you!! Don't let me cave into my fears! Be my FRIEND!

Those of us who have been here for a long time KNOW WHAT WORKS. We also know what doesn't work! That doesn't mean that there are any guarantees, but the odds of a good outcome can be greatly increased if one follows TRIED AND TRUE MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE. That IS the sign on the door, after all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SC,

I ahve followed your sitch and understand where you are coming from, however consider this.

Have you ever heard of intervention? Exposure is a l;ot like that. The BS is interveneing to keep their addicted WS from destroying everything. If your S was addicted to Crack or Heroine would you not intervene, gather as many people you could to help bring the addict to their senses and come clean and dry out???

Exposure does the same thing to the A, at the time the WS is really pissed, but in the end the FWS is, more often than not grateful for everything the FBS did and had to do to end the A.

In my case I was embarrassed and afraid to expose, I also didn't want people to think my W was a slut or tramp. I love her and do not want harm or anything else bad to come her way, but I cannot stand for nor tolerate another man in our marriage. Period! I did not bring this mess to my marriage, but I am certainly able to clean it up.

Did I expose? Yes very selectively, but I exposed to everyone who was important to her. It did end the A, not the way she would have preffered but it ended it. IMHO if you have to nuke a WS to end the A so be it. The WSs are just 1 of many who are damaged and scarred for life from the A. My 2 children will never forget the A, their lives have been changed forever, they have been forced to grow up way too soon. Why? Because my WS was selfish and lonely. They are collaterally damaged, but damaged just the same. If for no other reason the A requires exposure at all cost to protect the innocent children who are affected more deeply than anyone else involved. Would you not do anything to protect your children from a moral deviate??? Your call SC!

Smartcookie,



Well, generally, most WS become extremely angry over exposure no matter HOW it's done. And, certainly, it would be a barrier to recovery if the BH told everyone, "Hey, my W is a sl**."

Just a simple, "My S is having an affair with OP, and I'd appreciate your support in helping me get my WS to stop the affair and save our marriage." should do.

I also believe in exposing to the people who would be most influential on both the WS and OP. I agree with MelodyLane that the most influential people should be told at the same time or on the same day. Then, if the A goes on, exposing to more and more people.

It is not effective to THREATEN exposure. Just DO it.

For instance, I never threatened to expose my H to our children when we had confrontation about his "friendship" with OW (I only suspected, and H found out I suspected when my best friend's H overheard us talking and warned H.). But, he THOUGHT I was going to tell our children, so he got his story in first. He convinced our adult children that I was going crazy, because, of course, DADDY would NEVER cheat! Truth is that he had cheated and finally confessed to an earlier ONS, although he has never admitted to an EA with the last OW. Still, I've never exposed him to anyone else other than a couple of close friends.

I wish, now, that I HAD exposed my suspicions of the EA to his family. They would have given him h*ll. As it was, it took over 2 years before he stopped deliberately making contact.

As for minimizing resentment, risk of the WS' resentment over a BS exposing the affair is NOTHING compared to the risk of the BS' resentment over a WS flagrantly continuing the affair.

Exposure is not cruel; having and continuing an affair IS.

Want to avoid widespread exposure? STOP THE AFFAIR AND HAVE NO CONTACT!!

Mel, I can see your point – thanks for sharing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It seems both techniques/methods have its possible advantages & disadvantages and the decision on which one to use will depend on the specific situation and circumstances. I can see how the “one fell swoop” technique will often be more effective and/or appropriate for certain situations than the “concentric circles” technique, but there are also instances where the “concentric circles” technique will work better. I think the type of method to use will probably also depend on the intensity level of the A (EA/PA/long-term A etc.) and how deep the WS is in the fog etc. Probably a person who is not too deep in an A and not too “foggy” yet, will need less exposure to end the A and become real than in situations where the A has been going on for a longer period and where the deceit, lies and betrayal are very severe (such as long term EA/PA's).

I agree with this 100%.

Mrs. Wondering:

Since you were called out here, I just wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for your unfailingly thoughtful, caring and intelligent posts.

You speak for many FWW's... and do it eloquently.

Bless you.

celt06 you have it WRONG


correction...

I was NOT quoting Harley

I was quoting WAT

and I do not believe WAT was saying THREATEN exposure before you do it ... rather, I believe he was saying that when the affair is DISCOVERED by the betrayed spouse .... there is an automatic THREAT to the secrecy of the affair ... in other words

The jig is up .....and .... who else is going to find out about my affair?

the threat is the FACT that the affair has been discovered!!!!

I NEVER recommend threatening exposure ... JUST DO IT .... as I say in my "carrot and stick of Plan A" post

Pep

Debate and Questions on this Forum:

I want to address the issue of whether or not it's appropriate to ask critical questions and initiate debate on this forum in general, and on the "Exposure 101" thread in particular.

Mrs. W, please believe me when I say that I mean YOU no disrespect. But people who tell others they should blindly follow a priciple or program without raising questions or expressing doubts scare me. Seriously -- Scare me. Ala George Orwell's "1984".

As you yourself and others have acknowledged, newbies come here full of doubts and hesitations. They come here that way. Pre-wired. In fact, newbie BS's almost always express the very same concern about exposure that I did -- that it will create long lasting resentment and become an impediment to recovery.

But instead of taking my question as an opportunity to fully address that concern, in a careful and thought provoking way (as rprynne did above in this thread) there seemed to be more of an effort to stiffle the question. To dismiss it. What message does THAT send to newbies? IMO, the message is two-fold: (1) If you want to get along and get help here, don't question the principles, just do them. (2) The principles are not strong enough to withstand careful scrutiny.

Mrs. W, You suggest the mere presence of the question might lead a hesitant BS not to expose -- as if I put that question in his/her head and he/she never would have asked it otherwise. But that very qestion gets asked ALL THE TIME by BS's around here. Personally, I think lack of a well thought-out response is the real problem.

As you say, the title of the thread -- Affair Exposure 101 -- suggests it's a place to learn the basics. The Who, What, Why and How of exposing an affair. You likened it to a college course. I agree. So I ask you to think back to the courses in which you learned the most. Were they the courses in which the professor stood at the head of the class and droned on and on? -- "Here is what you need to know. No room for discussion. Learn it, live it, love it." Or were they the courses in which the professor allowed -- even encouraged -- critical thinking and tough questions? Personally, I learned a lot more from the profs who did the latter. Especially if they had really good answers to the questions!!!

At one point, you offered to go find some FWS's to come on the thread and share their stories. I sincerely hope you will indeed do that. Not only to say... "yes, I'm a FWS who was exposed and now my marriage is great"... but to share the details of their experience (as AtPeace did in her second post). What better way to convince a frightened BS that exposure can kill an affair AND help lead to recovery than to hear it from FWS's themselves? To hear not only THAT it happens, but also HOW it happens.

Now, to the issue of whether my question is even relevant or not....

The question: Is there a way for the BS to handle/orchestrate exposure in order to minimize WS resentment and maximize chances for a recovery?

The only way that question is IRRELEVANT is if WS resentment doesn't matter and never enters into the recovery equation. It seems there are some who actually hold that view. Okay. But I don't buy it. And here's why....

(1) There are marriages that have ended after exposure. And while there's no way to know for sure how much of a factor the WS's resentment played in the eventual divorce... or whether exposure, handled differently, might have lead to a different outcome... I think we would be burrying our heads in the sand to think it wasn't a factor at all. In other words, it only seems reasonable to think that resentment can get in the way of the START of recovery. No start -- no finish. (I happen to think there IS a way to minimize resentment -- which I will address in a seperate post)

(2) While I agree that a fully recovered FWS does not harbor any resentment toward the BS for exposure -- or any other reason for that matter -- This world is full of people who stay in their marriages, harboring all sorts of secret resentments, until the day they die. How very, very sad when that happens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not only for the person holding on to the resentments, but for their spouses, children, and everyone else around them. Again, I think we would all be naive to think there are no FWS's out there harboring secret resentments about exposure, while putting on the "mask" of recovery for the rest of the world to see. Nobody can know for sure what's in the heart of a person who claims to be in a recovered post-affair marriage. But what a powerful message it can send when a FWS says to a newbie BS -- Yes, you can make this happen. Here's how...!

(Someone is bound to come along about now and ask -- "What about the resentment of the BS over the affair? That's a much greater risk!" AGREED! I'm only focusing on the WS's resentment because I'm talking about the effects of exposure on the WS in this post.)

Okay, actually, there's another reason the question could be deemed irrelevant: If the BS has either no way or no responsibility to orchestrate the outcome of exposure. Outcome -- meaning the way freinds, family etc. react to the news. Again, some of you hold this view. I respectfully disagree. Which I will get into in detail in my next post. (I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Oh goody, can't wait to read that one (groan)". lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. But I started this thing, and I'm going to see it through.)

Bottom line about questions and debate -- I believe it's how some of us best learn. And isn't that what we're all here for? To learn?

Mel,

You wrote..


I had resolved not to address you directly, because whenever I do that it always seems to degenerate into a cat fight, and I really don't want that. But you have called my motives into question at least a couple of times now. If you have followed my situation at all, it should be clear to you by now that I am indeed here to learn and grow. I have learned a ton. I also believe I have been of help to others on occasion. However, I learn best from posters who take the time to explain things to me without being snide or accusing me of nefarious motives.

Thanks.

I hate to be picky or technical here....and at this point of the discussion, it likely makes no difference....but, my H didn't disclose to my parents that my A was physical because he did not know. I had told him it was not PA. Go figure, a WS lied. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and he also told our pastor (a few weeks after he exposed to my parents). And, a couple of his co-workers (police officers) knew because they were helping him gather information about OM, etc. I don't believe I mentioned that before.

Anyway....just wanted to clarify!

Lori