STBX has just come to pick up the girls for his regular Wednesday afternoon with them.

I have decided that it is no longer necessary, nor in my girls best interest, to maintain NC. I am no longer hurt by seeing him; I don't even really bat an eyelid whem I see him with the OW. I feel I should now be making contact with him, but only when it relates to the children. Beyond this, I have no desire to extend our relationship, now or ever again.

So, as STBX picked the girls up, I was waiting there with them. I told him that DD6 had her parental consultation this afternoon, and that she was doing very well at school, working very hard, and so deserved lots of spoiling with him this afternoon!

He wouldn't look me in the eye, not once. I looked at him directly, during this 10 second exchange, and he isn't looking very good.

I just wonder how long he is going to keep on hating me. He moaned and bellyached to all who'd listen that I was being 'unreasonable' when I avoided contact with him for my own sanity, but now, when I begin to make tentative contact, he won't look at me.

Am I being punished now? For what? Will we ever be able to successfully co-parent our children? Will he ever be able to look me in the eye?

Is it guilt, or hatred? Both perhaps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I can empathize Alphin. My WH is angry at me if I am being friendly, if I am not in contact with him at all, or if I am angry with him. I have asked him what it will take for his anger to subside, he told me to stop pi$$ing him off. I pointed out that he was still angry with me during our weeks and weeks of no contact at all (by his insistence), so it appears that no matter what I do, he is still mad.

Of course, it is not about us. you can see it in WH face. I have started treating WH like I would an elderly dementia patient. I am very cheery, speak slowly and simply and if there is something I need him to do, write it down and confirm his understanding (then follow up and be prepared to do it myself). My brain feels better if I expect nothing at all from him.

Alph

If he looked directly at you, he'd have to witness your humanity ... and then treating you like dirt on his shoe would be more troubling for his slumbering conscience.

Jean and Pep - thank you for your replies.

Anything I can do about him? Should I just keep being cheerful for the kids sake, or go back to not bothering with their dad any more?

BTW, the girls were so incredibly happy to see their parents face to face, and speaking to each other, even for this ten-second, one-sided conversation. The look on their faces nearly broke my heart.

Poor, poor kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

PS .... his reality check is on it's way ... it may take years ... but there is a "balance due" with his name on it ... and that will come to him sooner or later .... but not directly from your hands .... perhaps handed to him by one of your girls. It will eventually arrive. You might not witness the arrival of his "balance due" .... but, I think this "balance due" will be made evident by it's absence....

~respect~

meanwhile

the best revenge is YOU live splendidly

go live in a lovely home your parents provide ..... and grow a garden your children ~will~ respect .... a life NOT filled with poisonous weeds watered by lies, deceit, and selfish disregard for family .... you KNOW what I mean ...

YOU are finally getting to realize something Believer said to you a long time ago

YOU are in the ~catbird~ seat .... and your adulterous robotic STBXH is yesterday's newspaper on the bottom of the birdcage

ooooohhhhhhhh

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How about you AMP UP your niceness.... BAKE something you know your STBXH has always loved to eat ... something the SpanishFly might not know how to make ... and SEND it to the Casa de Adultery via the children on the next pick-up-the-kids-for-visitation opportunity.

this will FUME the witch but how can she say anything but "thank you" ???

LOL

start blowing sunshine up his azz at every opportunity

just for fun

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Funny you should say that.

DD was 13 on Monday. I made a fantastic (even though I say so myself) birthday cake for her - a walnut sponge layered with strawberries and fresh cream. I did think about sending some over to the Septic Lovenest, but the girls have scoffed the lot (and I've had the odd slice myself...)

I guess I should get baking again... the trick would be making the girls think it was their idea to take some over, rather than mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I know that look on your DD's face, isn't it sad that they get excited about something as small as that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You are probably more grounded than I am, I am lagging in the "high road" department. I am just starting to let go of the idea that I can be on the karma committee. Sometimes, the gutter looks more fun and I take a ride into Jerry Springersville. But, it is no fun at all, and it causes my children additional pain.

Even being nice to WH is something I do with ulterior motives. I figure that he will have to wonder why he is so mad at me and maybe he will look at himself and yada yada yada.

Right now, I am being supremely nice because it makes the girls happy and it makes me more comfortable. I am not on the karma committee (I do hope that I am still around though to watch the committee kick some wayward butt!)

See, I am not too far on that inner peace thingy yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

{{{Alph}}}

Mine acted the exact same way. He never looked at me in the eye. And he always looked either depressed, unhappy, or angry. People used to compliment that he was a good looking guy, but not anymore - he just looked horrible.

The truth is, your STBX might be mad, but he is mad about everything. He can't look at you in the eye, because no matter how he put it, he KNOWS that he created this mess and put you and the girls in this situation so that HE can have fun with OW. He knows deep inside that he is guilty. But he does not want to face it. If he looks at you in the eye, all sorts of emotions might come up and he can't handle that. If he truly believes he did the right thing, he should be able to look at you direcly in the eye!

You are doing great. He needs to go through this and will suffer, for sure. But that's not your problem.

Hugs,
Milk

LOL

I'm quoting myself ... how odd <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Try this:

next time you see him .... ( and the MORE witnesses the better)

COMPLIMENT him ....

but you MUST sound sincere ... erase ~any~ hint of sarcasm

say this

You look very handsome today by the way

EVERY time you have a chance ... send him a verbal flower ... it will PAIN him much more than any insult or snub ever could !!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alphin,

He won't look at you because of shame.

That is a very good sign. A WS that exhibits shame, is a potential returning spouse. BUT only if you continue to demonstrate that you don't need him for your happiness.

Alph

Different outcomes perhaps, but circumstances similar. bear with me.

When I plan A'ed, one thing I ramped up, with Pep's gentle hobnail boot up my [censored] was taking REAL pride in myself.

While plan A'ing I did not APPEAR earnest, concentrated, clenched. I APPEARED hurt, but confident, self-respecting, self valuing.

I dumped my old wardrobe, and exploited by 'infidelity plan' diet physique. River Island intead of Debenhams and Marks if you catch my drift. NICE underwear,even nice SOCKS dammit ! Several nice after shaves. Expensive haircut every month. Plenty of well-dressed nights out with friends. I felt I was DYING inside, but that was not the impression I gave.

And guess what ? I started to believe it after a very short while. I BELIEVED I looked smart because i WAS smart, was capable of happiness, that I need not accept crumbs or pollute my life in any way from infidelity unless I chose to allow it.

Squid told me since it KILLED her when I was going out without her, as she feared others may see my butterfly emerge from the pupa as she started did.

Alph, it wasn;t a delusion, affairs make BS believe we ar eshit, that its our fault in some way. They're not. They're sad, but they are not value judgments on us, even though active WS would tell us they are.

Give yourself PERMISSION to invest in yourself, like yourself, be PROUD of yourself IME only good can come of it.

NOTHING to do with your arsehat WH, for YOU be all you can be. It worked for me. I've just forgotten that a bit lately <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

All blessings friend. Bollocks to your H however. He's a twat.

LOL

eshit

and

twat

.... just goes to show ... where there's a will .... there's a Bob

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Hi Alphin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FF!

Happy Birthday To You!

Here, have a slice of the Strawberry layer cake I made for DD13 - it was her birthday on Monday!

Alph.

How many candles????

OOh I love strawberry cake! Pep, shhhhhhhh...45

My honey took the morning off to be with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Now he is at work and I get some ME time.

That's great! Whatcha got planned?

Alph.