I just wanted to create a thread away from the judgmental attitudes that prevail in many posts. I am FWW new in my recovery and wish to possibly speak with others new in their journeys who wish to support each other in their quests for healthier M. I'd like for no one to be ridiculed or shamed for their posts.

LOL

S, you do understand those who support MB principles can post here also, right?

Go for it, longhorn!

Just in case you didn't see my question on your other thread:

How can NOT exposing stop an affair?

I don't know all of the answers. You bring up a good point: I'm not saying it won't work in all cases; I just thought people might want to consider the possibility that widespread (aka...beyond immediate family) could produce the reaction of a fleeing WS

HI....I am a FWW, not so new anymore...almost two years since DD, but I can help you in any way I can. At the beginning I felt just like you, that everyone was against me. Some people's comments are mean sometimes, but it should not discourage you from posting.

Good luck!!

Myrta

Myrta, a friendly voice!! I would welcome any input. Right now, I am struggling terribly with withdrawal, but I made a commitment to NC. Any good suggestions? And how long does the process usually take?

Withdrawal....it can take anywhere from a month for some people to up to a year for others. It took me like six months to get the fog completely off my mind. Just mantain NC, and it will happen. I mantained occasional phone contact and thats why it took a bit longer. I wanted to let go slowly for the sake of the OM (I felt sorry for him),but also for me I suppose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Anyways...its hard no matter how short or long the withdrawal is. You think you are never going to get over it, but you do.
It will be two years for my husband and I in June 1st. Long time already.

By the way, in our case , there was never exposure of my affair!! Thats the way we BOTH wanted. It has worked so far!

It's good to hear that. My H and I both want that. I will continue to keep up the NC. The only time it was broken was when the OM contacted me,and I hung up immediately

sf...the only suggestion I have to you is day-by-day & truly owning your actions. Until that happens, true recovery cannot begin. As far as how long the process takes? Months..maybe years. It all depends on your level of ownership. If you live in denial or convince yourself that it really isn't all that bad - that you were "forced" into that place, it will take your lifetime...and will continue to drive a knife in your BH's heart...regardless of what he may tell you.

There are a number of benefits to exposing outside the immediate family.

For one, it limits the ability to hide a continuing affair because someone you know may see you and tell your BS, especially in a small city. Having to look over your shoulder all the time can kinda cramp the romance and excitement, don't you think? Oops! The affair is no longer as much fun as it was before everybody found out!

Secondly, since MB advises initially exposing to people who have influence over the WS, this could include extended family, friends, the pastor and church congregation, employer and co-workers if it's a workplace affair, and neighbors.

When a WS ends an affair, it is very common to see him/her trying to dictate the terms of recovery. For example, many WS balk at being accountable for their time or sharing all passwords and phone calls. Many of them refuse to answer the BS' questions and tell the BS what the BS NEEDS to know. The truth is, most would rather just pretend nothing ever happened. A WS or FWS insisting that exposure will not help the marriage is also trying to dictate the terms of recovery.

The WS is the one who CHOSE to make this huge mess, so why in the world should the WS be the one to dictate how to repair the damage caused by the affair?

LC...you are wise.

If I had been able to dictate how our recovery worked, it wouldn't have worked.

Habiba here,

I agree with your post, LC...when I realized that my H was about to expose the A to my MIL (my A is w/ my FIL, her H), it really scared me for the first time and showed me the consequences of my actions...up until this time I've been hoping to keep him, stay in town, and try to marry him someday...but how could I even think this when it's exposed?

My H hasn't exposed it yet, and still may not. He's away this week at my request, and I feel so much calmer. Life is easier when we don't have gut-wrenching talks every night. Anyway, sfjaj, I wanted to dialogue more with you, since you invited me to on your reply to my thread.

For me, I would have a difficult time NC'ing my FIL unless we move away. Even if we do, and my MIL doesn't know...we'll still have each other's phone numbers, kids will want to talk to him, etc. I know we'll maintain contact "when the going gets rough." If MIL knows, she'll hopefully take steps with my H to prevent us knowing each other's phone #'s until the worst is over.

The downside of her knowing is she might D him. They've always had a difficult M...this won't help, I think. And if he's suddenly alone, I would feel so responsible, and care for him, that I'd prob. be tempted to contact him again. Ugh.

Good Q, sfjaj. Someone referred me to Suzet's thread on W/D. Find the link on my Plan A/Plan B post. I'm going to read it right now...

Hugs to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Sfjaj -

I hope your journey is a prosperous one. Please don't get discouraged. If people didn't care, and situations like these weren't so important, they wouldn't take the time to comment. Just remember, people post because they care. If you can look past their style, their tone, not take it personally, all of it will help you on your journey. Maybe you already do this, I don't know, I wouldn't presume that I can get inside your head.

If you want to make your own decisions, that's certainly okay. When you post them here, some are going to agree, others are going to disagree. You know, that's just how it is.

What I do, when I disagree with someone, is I take all of my emotions out of it. Second, I remove myself from the position of advocate.

I'm neither for or against either side of the debate. I start with the other side first.

I treat it like if I was hired to give a presentation on the ideas, data, facts, etc. No commentary, no opinion.

Perhaps what can help you on this journey is to attempt to do that with the MB principles that you've read in books or on this site and lay them all out. Demonstrate that you are an expert in all of those principles. Each and every element. Ask the experts here, did I get this right or that right. Not debating whether you agree with a principle or not, merely did you get it right.

I think if you make this a whole hearted attempt at demonstrating that you understand all these principles, you may still disagree with some and you may change your mind on others. But you will find that first understanding them, and then seeking to be understood, may well be the best way to make the most of your journey.

Lot of work, I know. But for what's it worth, when I have taken this approach of trying to understand someone else or some idea that appears opposed to my own, I emerge with considerably better conclusions.

As always, happy to discuss. Good luck.

sfjaj...

I am really sorry that you feel that I was hostile towards you...If you will look back on that thread, I hope that you can see that my intial communication with you was caring in earnest(I know the fog stuff is off putting to you-it was to me too last year-skip the word fog in those posts if you must for now, but remember that "fog", "foggy", et al. is not a name, but a state of existence)...please believe me when I tell you that I care)...In one in particular I told you that I wanted you to have the JOY that comes from true recovery...that IS what I want for you and your husband...

Now, I am also human, so yes, in my last few posts, you did have me riled...but it is because I really have been where you are...kind of how you butt heads with your child when you see them make the same mistakes that you did...you don't want that hurt for them...THAT is where I was coming from...I am sorry if you didn't see it that way...really I am...

sfjaj, I am so adamant regarding the principles here at MB because I have seen them work, in the lives of others, and my own...when you see something move mountains, you want so much to share it with others...I want to share that so much that I am really and truly upset that I upset you-that is the kind of person that I am-I'm NOT a meanie, at all...NOW, I won't back down from MB principles, and I won't tell you only what you want to hear...that wouldn't be caring...and I do care...

You see, Mr. Wondering and I are a success story from MB...and also, we are one of a handful of couples that post here...I think that says a lot about how very much that WE believe in the MB program...how could we not believe in it? To not believe in the principles of MB would be to not believe in us...and we do exist...recovered...because of the excellency of MB...We would be fools to downgrade it at all...Really...can you see that? It has also worked for us rather quickly...one year ago THIS WEEK was when my A turned physical...I can't tell you how far we've come...You should read my old posts...I'm pretty sure you wouldn't recognize me...you *might* actually identify with me...anytime that you'd like I'll pull a few for you...

I wish you the best...I do, honestly...with all of my heart...

Mrs. Wondering

Guys, I've been on the board for 2 years. I've been part of two threads such as this. One was called "letting go of the OM" which wasn't what it appeared from it's title. It was a group of us (very foggy) who were doing EVERYTHING in our power to recover our marriages. Certain things were banned. One of them was "foggy" talk. Sadly, very few of the people I talked to then actually recovered their marriages.

You'll appreciate there's a fine line when FWS's get together - you want to support each other but you don't want it to become a "poor me" thread either.

I can't remember the name of the next thread I joined but I was "unfoggy" by then and used to come into it waving a big stick around quite often. Unfortunately, that thread degenerated very badly and was finally locked by the mods.

I guess all I'm saying, it's a good thing to support each other but if this thread needs a big stick waver, I'll be in here like a flash.

Every thread, BSs or WSs, needs a big stick waver I can assure you.

Take a look at the SmartCookie one, the MrWondering one and the Mrs Wondering one Jen. They could use some stick wavers

LMAO, BigK, like I said to you last night, I think I'm being really rough and tough and all people say is "isn't KiwiJ sweet." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That may not be a downside for her, though, and that is what COUNTS. It is her safety and security that is at issue here, she is the victim, after all. She must be told so that she can protect herself from you and her H.

And she may very well want to end the marriage, that is HER RIGHT, and ONLY HER RIGHT, to make this choice. NO ONE ELSE has the right to make that choice for her. To not tell this woman about your affair with her H is cruel, manipulative and DANGEROUS. No one has any RIGHT to deprive her of the right to make that choice. It is HER LIFE.

I am also utterly SHOCKED that you would ever allow your children to see the OM again. There should never ever be contact between the OM and your children again. That is extremely disrespectful to your H and to your children. You and your H can never recover if there is any contact again. You will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal and your H will suffer a new D-Day on every contact.

Habib, you and your H have a moral obligation to tell your MIL the truth. Anything short of full exposure is only compounding the CRIME. Truth is the solution to adultery, not more lies and deceit. To allow this woman to go another day without telling her is heartless, MEAN and CRUEL. Do the right thing, Habib. Think about HER well being.