I don't know how to go about this and I DO NOT mean to offend any one here. My h had an affair 2 years ago. Before the a we lived in virginia beach h was in navy. Every thing was fine then he got out of navy and moved to NC where his brother lived. A couple of months being there I found this note saying that his bosses daughter was falling in love w/him and loved the way he'd walk past her and was talking about her kissing him. When I asked h about it he said she only kissed him on cheek and nothing else happened. Well I took his word for it and told him I don't want him touching her there is no reason for it. No hugs no nothing. I didn't confront her about and I so wish I had maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. She knew he was married she befriended me and my son. Looking back on it I think she was playing house him. She would buckle him in his car seat and then start talking about the "rumors" that were supposidly happening right in front of me. Well on day he came home early from work and told me that he was sleeping w/her and she's pregnant. Well the day after he told me I was so stupid and slept w/h and got myself pregnant to. I was thinking she can't be having his baby it's supposed to be me having it. So we moved to a different state right after. I wanted to stay w/h but did not want to be around ow and h agreed. H did not like ow he was just doing it for attention. Everything was ok if there was no sigh of the affair around. It wasn't until a year after oc was born we got a court order to pay cs. Now I know the sex and name and birth day of oc and did not want to. H does not want contact. I believe she got pregnant on so that I would leave h and she can have him all to herself. I want my life to be the way it should have been. I did not get married to get divorced and I did not get married to be a step mom. I feel like woman that purposely ruin a family should not get anything. She kept a child that she can't finacially support and wants us to support it for her. I got myself a job after having to pay child support b/c my h paycheck can't support my family and hers and she won't even get a job. But any way I used to believe in god I never went to church but I believed. But I'm just wondering if god creates how can he create from a situation like this and cause pain to everyone involved. I prayed and prayed that the oc was not his and when the results came in I was devistated. I don't want my kids knowing they have a sibling out there. I grew up w/a step dad and wanted my kids to grow up w/bio parents. Don't get me wrong I love my dad to death but I always wondered what I would look like if i was there daughter i would look like my brother. I don't want my kids thinking that or the oc thinking that. I don't understand why god would do this. I have days where i just want to die so i can get away from the lifetime of pain that i have to endure b/c i didn't do anything. The ow got off on that i didn't know what she was doing w/my h. H told me a couple weeks ago that she wanted to beat me up and take my son. Knowing that and she gets money that is supposed to be my familys and not both of ours it really gets me angry. Yeah i can divorce but it will always be there my dreams are shattered everything that i wanted for my family was taken away. NO one cared what I wanted no cares now. A mother has a right to chose why can't a father especially in this situation. She deserves nothing, she gets what she gets for sleeping w/a married man. And the law is on her side but there is no law on my side. I have to deal w/it and she gets her way. I don't know how to live w/it. And how can I get over it.

I was hoping you would get a response from someone by now...most here don't think I should post on "this" site due to my situation NOT a result of an affair...its hard for me to explain why I feel what I do but I AM NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN having the dealings with another woman in my marriage and another child.
I related so much to your post. I didn't get married to be a stepparent either. I wonder too why God let this happen. I hate that my H and I are the "bad" guys and like she is this saint or something.
I have no advice, I guess.
People say that Time will heal all.
I used not to think that was true....but for now things seem to be OK.
Coming up to the year anniversary of "finding out" about OC, and for eight months or so..the situation was all I could think, dream, breathe about. I cried ALL the time. I was physically ill and drained by all of it.
I was completely obsessed thru and thru.
Now its not the case.
I only think about it when something triggers it. Some days now I just worry about what the future holds...holds for my marriage, my children, this child.........
You will never get over it.
And thats OK.
And somehow you will come to grips with it on your terms and your level.
I found comfort in talking to a therapist and our minister. They helped put things in perspective for me & H...RE: Woman erased all moral obligation due to how she did/how she handled thus situation....financial one yes, but thats it.
I am so sorry.......

hw, I understand your feelings. My H's OC was born just over a year ago. We are trying right now to recover our M. I didn't sign on for this either. I want C with OC but OW will not allow it and since the A continued for nearly the entire first year of OC's life H allowed her to act that way. For right now he is in NC with the OC. I know it hurts him but we can't let OW run our lives either. From what I have been told it just takes time. I ache every day from this. From knowing there is a child my H made out there that I have never met. The betrayal runs very deep. If you and your H have chosen NC. Then pay the CS and work on your marriage. Read up on this site, there is loads of good information for surviving infidelity. Keep posting.

It may not have made any difference. One thing I have observed is that most OW have an issue with honesty and she may very well have lied to you as well. So don't beat yourself up about what you should or shouldn't have done.

This happened because God gives us free will. God did not cause this to happen. Just as your h and the ow chose to disobey God and participate in behavior that has harmed your family, it was their choice, not God's. In the same way, you have the free choice to make the decision you feel is best in your situation. There is forgiveness and an opportunity to heal. Focus on yourself and your family right now. I know it is hard, but you can do it. Are you in counseling now? I recommend it and caution you to be very careful about chosing a counselor, so are better than others and some don't have a clue.

i love ur name

so the girls family doesnt help her that u know of?

I know it sucks but it will get better with time

Sorry you're in the same awful boat I'm in. I couldn't agree with you more that the laws seem terribly unfair for fathers. In my case, OW told H she was on the pill (but wasn't), and got herself pregnant on purpose. Now she's pissed that he doesn't want anything to do with her and their son. He told her when she first knew she was pregnant that he didn't want her to have the baby and didn't plan on having a life with them. She made the choice (as is her right) to have and keep the baby. I understand that the laws are what they are in an effort to protect the child financially, but I think men should be given some kind of 'opt out' period where they can say they want no contact (and legally terminated all rights) and not be held financially responsible. Anyway, just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel. May I ask how your H feels about having no contact with OC? My H really wrestles with that decision and feels guilty for not seeing him. I wish he believed that he really has no moral obiligation to this child given the circumstances. I too asked how God could let this all happen. I've always been a little unsure of my religious beliefs but have always believed in karma and the idea that what goes around comes around. I know this is very immature, but I get a great deal of satisfaction in knowing that OC has a developmental disability. Now don't get me wrong - I do feel terribly for the child as his already difficult life will be even more so now, and he did nothing to deserve any of this. Finding that out kind of gave me a sense of satisfaction that OW's getting her due now. She wanted to steal my life, steal the joy of having my H's first child, now she can enjoy the ****** of being a single parent of a child with problems and all the doctor/therapy visits it entails.

I had to figure out where God fit into all of this as well, and still rethink it sometimes, BUT my feeling is what someone else said. What happened was NOT the will of God, it was the will of two selfishly thinking people.

It may be hard for OW to think of it this way, you know, their child is a gift of God. YES, all children are gifts and deserve love and acceptance, but God did not will this child into any of our lives.

God does not want YOU to feel pain anymore than anyone else, but he had nothing to do with this. We all have free will and use it stupidly sometimes.

Now that it's happened, God can help you find peace within yourself though, whether you choose to stay or leave. It's hard to accept this position we BW are put in with having to deal with all of this. But I have prayed over and over for peace and God's will in MY life and it has helped me tremendously. Good luck to you...and keep the faith!!

Disbelief:
My h and I don't really talk much of oc so i really don't know exactlly how he feels about nc. We try to live our lives like nothing happened. I don't know what oc is like. we don't even know what she looks like. Ow was supposidly on the pill to but being in love w/my h she probably did it so that she can have him to herself. But her plan back fired b/c he did not feel the same way toward her as she did. I have to say i'm alright looking and he chose to have an affair w/someone who is very unattractive not his type. I to would get the satisfaction if something was wrong w/other child. I'm guilty of wishing bad things on both ow and oc. I dont' feel bad for ow but i do for the child. I suprise myself sometimes b/c never in a million years i thought that i would feel this way towards a child.

I'm just wanting to know if god is our creator why would he create a child out of an affair. I get that they were selfish in doing what they were doing. I can forget about that. That would be much more easier to get over. I just can't believe in God when he created something that shouldn't have been here. And until he can show himself to me and let me know that he really does exist I won't believe. Times are different know and maybe now is the time to show himself maybe then will people believe. Just like ghosts you don't believe in them unless you've seen them.

{{{{{hwhater}}}}}}

God did not create this child or this mess. This was all done through individual choices. Don't blame God. The blame lies squarely on our H's and the OW.

I too have wished bad things for the OW, I haven't wished anything bad on the child...but I have wished that the child did not exist; however, she does. My H and I have NC. We have no bad feelings about our very personal choice. We don't live as though the child is not in existence, but we don't ponder it either. For us, life goes, as I'm sure it does for the OW and her family.

Don't blame yourself for your feelings...you are entitled to feel. This is a very messed up situation. You are as innocent as that child. You have no reason to feel bad about your feelings...but please don't blame God, for the mistakes of individuals.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

God gives us choices. The choice to the RIGHT thing or the WRONG thing.
Most of us know when we are doing the WRONG thing and have to suffer for these choices.
This is where most christians say that the devil is tempting you. God does punish for sin.
I am NOT a big church person but I do think that when bad things happen, that IS when people turn to God.
Sometimes I believe when WRONG things happen in the world its like a wakeup call for mankind.

When my situation came out, a year ago this Sunday, I was pushed to the brink.
At that point, my marriage, family was what I thought of as perfect.
I had my H on a pedestal and was extremely happy where we were in life.
We had just had our second baby boy and suddenly things just crashed.....

Now I am slowly putting all the pieces back together and hoping to get back what used to be. Scared of what tomorrow holds and am now extremely on defense mode....
During this time it really brought my H and I to our knees. And even though I am still angry at this situation, this girl especially, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my H and I are strong and able to get through anything.

There have been plenty of times when I was angry & hurt with God. Like when my Grandfather died, 9/11, car accidents, children dying, the loss of pregnancies, or when Hurricane Katrina happened. And I was pretty bitter when the results came back for my H dna test.

My point....I do have one.
I agree with the above posters...you can't blame God for the acts of these two people. They had the choice.

I don't blame god for h and ow cheating I blame him b/c a child was created from it. I thought god was our creator. I thought children were gifts form god. Ok h and ow have to suffer in some way for what they did why do I have to suffer also. Probably b/c I didn't do anything to stop the affair so I have to be punished to. So I know the devil makes us do bad things but does he create life to? B/c I thought god did this. I know I didn't do anything wrong so why is god punishing me to.

God's gift to us is the ABILITY to have children. The rest is on us.

My H and I don't see the child as a blessing....the blessing is that this mess brought us closer together...and that in no way is a slight on the child.

God has nothing to do with this devilment....this is all individual choices and the freedom God gave us all.

Wonderfully said crazyhurt!
Ditto.

First and foremost, God does not punish us, we are just living with the natural consequenses of our actions. And, those actions don't only affect those who acted, but any and everyone who is connected to them. Children are gifts, but do you always enjoy every single gift that you are given by others? You are not being punished for anything, and, in fact, in the bible, you can chose with NO consequenses, to get out of your M with God's blessing. I believe that THIS situation is the ONLY one specifically notated as acceptable for D. BUT, if you want to stay M'd to your H, remember that it's your choice and make the MOST of it.

God created us with free will, and that means that He won't control us, but also that we can't control others actions either. If the xow is being difficult, do what you can from a legal stand point, then just give the rest over to God. Easy to do? NO, but possible? YES! Look at how many here are years into recovery and STILL with their H! I know that this is all fresh to you, but it does get better with time.

You are still in that greiving process, and you need to get through it in your own timing. Just remember that YOU are NOT at fault here, it was NOTHING that you did or didn't do that caused this A and there was NOTHING that you could have done to stop it! There is NO punishment here, just consequenses. Take this time to get the foundation of your M rebuilt and stronger than ever, become a united front when dealing with the xow. You've blamed your H for his choices, now you need to look at forgiveness, because if you don't forgive, it will continue to eat away at your M and you, and I mean TRUE forgiveness. Life does go on, but how wonderful or awful is what YOU make of it from this point on.