Post deleted by laura41

Do it with your actions, not your words. Act strong, confident, and walk with your head UP! This will have more of an effect than any words. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Laura, don't try to reason with him. And DON'T TALK about divorce. Simply tell him that he can do what he wants, but you won't talk about divorce. NOT INTERESTED.

Don't try to get your feelings through to him. Just be as pleasant as possible and refuse to allow him to drag you into any debates or fights. SMILE.

Laura, did you read our posts on your other thread about exposure?

Of course you can fight him on the divorce. Be sure and let him know that you will go along with NOTHING. See, he wants you to be amicable so he can screw you over without consequences.

Let him know that you WILL fight it, but you won't discuss divorce with him. Tell him you will leave that to the attorneys to battle out!

thanks Melody -yes, I have been reading my other threads as well, I'm just a nervous wreck right now and can't seem to get a focus. I'm trying, I just feel like I am lost in a hurricane.

dont let your emotions or feelings dictate your course of action....

""I'm just a nervous wreck right now and can't seem to get a focus. I'm trying, I just feel like I am lost in a hurricane.""

then....my advice (from a mans perspective) dont see him tonite...go somewhere...friends, family etc...

from my experience the conversation will ultimaltey lead back towards the relationship or divorce...emotions will run wild!! you will most likely cry and beg only to have him move further away right now....these are very unattractive traits...you need strength and confidence right now....when you replay it in your mind later...you'll want to kick yourself or beat yourself up for not being "strong"

your quote told me alot....your beaten up and very weak...until you can remove some emotions from the contact...or keep your "game face" on at all times...think of it like martial arts....go with your oponents power...use it against him...if there is a "clash of wills" the stronger person will win....

cold hard truth is...if your a "wreck" right now...take off until you get alittle stronger...look at it as a boxing match...if you tire in the first 2 rounds...your opponant will beat you by you beating yourself and being too worn out to go the distance...

it really sucks...i know!!! lifes not fair so be smart and know when to back off alittle...even the best football team has to punt every now and then!! (sorry for the corney cliches, but thats how i think!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hang in there

Breathe....take deep cleansing breathes but don't hyperventilate.

In with the good air...out with the bad.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Take the time to identify your boundaries. Implement them.

R U done with your plan A yet? Work on preparing for plan B.

Put your mind and heart in sync. This will take time.

Realize you can't control or help his actions. So let him go do what he feels he must do. Let him know it's stupid and others think so also but if that is the 'best he can do', then so be it. That's reverse babble. Then expose his upcoming events but notifying your support team.

Yea, tell them he is going to his lawyer.

JMHO,
L.

Laura,

Listen to this advice from Sturgis. Don't meet with him to discuss anything until you are firmly in control of your emotions (at least on the face of it).

I think it was Orchid who said, we do not let the WS call the shots...so you pick a good time for him to say whatever he wants to say to you, and not the other way around.

You don't meet your opponent until YOU are ready. If you are weak and emotional, you have lost the battle before you even started.

You want him to see you on your best Plan A (strong, lovingly detached) behavior or not at all.

Ditto on what Orchid said, Laura. Also, you might find Ark's "Be Still" thread of value. You can find it here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all

Laura, when he says you can't fight the divorce, he's full of it. You may not be legally capable of stopping one, but you can fight the provisions of his petition for a long, long time. Just because he files doesn't mean much in the long run. Contested divorces take extensive periods--two years in many instances--to process. That gives you a lot of time to work on him.

That having been said, you need to protect yourself and your children by getting your own attorney. Get a good one. You want a pit bull who will go for the throat IF you give them the order to do that. When your husband files, tell him simply to forward the paperwork to your attorney. Don't even try to deal with it yourself. You talk relationship while you're in Plan A; let your attorney answer his talk about separation and divorce, okay?

Laura, you can do this. You can implement a good Plan A, followed by Plan B, and regain your marriage. Others out here have done it and you can too. It'll take hard work, but it can be done. Do you have Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair? You need to get it and study it closely. While you wait for it to be delivered, read everything you can on Plans A & B here on the website. Melodylane's signature block has a link you can follow.

As others have said, breathe deep. Let your muscles relax and close your eyes. You will come out of this on the other side in one piece, stronger than when you went in.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Laura. Hang in there.

Well, its done, spent about 2 hours together, started with a hug and small talk. Talked about a good friend of his who the OW exposed to and figured that would be hurtful and he said the friend said he wouldn't pass judgement until he talked to both of them, WH said that was all he wanted to know. We also talked about another friend who he lives with, apparantly he is in town and wanted WH to join him tomorrow to go to city where OW lives but he told him he is not interested in going there. I asked if he told him the whole story and he said no, just that he has asked me for a divorce.

Things were pretty low key, no blow ups. I asked him laughingly if he wanted to make out, of course he said no. I knew that but wanted to lighten the mood. I invited him to stay for supper but he refused saying he just wanted to spend some time with DS and go to his friends and do some other running around.

He said he wanted to know where I was at, I said, I'm here and have not changed my mind. I feel we can get back what we had and more, he said he believes other wise and isn't interested in trying. He begged me to look at financials tonight and talk about things so that the lawyers dont take it all on us, I said no. He started to cry and said it upsets him that I won't see his POV, I said I have a POV too and don't believe he is being honest.

His reply was that he was unhappy before the A that is why he had it, I said, I realize that, but it hasn't been 23 years of unhappy so why not try to do it right this time. His reply was because he just doesn't want to. He cried some more and said he is really upset that I won't consider talking unless it is through lawyers.

Anyhow, he is in town till Tues he now says. He said he has things to do and wants to pick up DS again tomorrow to spend time at gun range. I told him thats all well and good but please don't be just fun time dad, leaving me to be discipline mom, that's not fair either. We may all go to a Football game tomorrow if DS still wants to go.

I told him, I am a married woman and a wife and that is how I intend to behave, I love my husband, family and life and am fighting for it, thats my stance. It upset him, I could tell but he did not give me a reply. I also told him he is welcome to come back for supper and I will be home all night if he wants to talk he can call, but he wants to talk with the friend he is staying with so I don't expect to hear from him.

Oh yeah, he had a wrestling match with my son and they put a hole in the wall of my new house. I asked, how am I supposed to fix that, he apologized and said he would do it, somehow I don't think it is going to happen very soon though.

Ok, thats it, how did I do????

Do I agree to talk about financials for the interim as a plan for the next few months or not???

How do I act tomorrow???

It hurtss sooooo bad to keep hearing him say he just doesn't want to try even with the OW out of the picture, do you think he is serious or will he wake up???

Oh no! You just leave that for the lawyers. SMILE. That way you can be sure to get your fair share! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Ok, it sounds like you have some new names for exposure, huh? Anyone that he mentioned should go on your exposure list. You can bet that whatever the ho and your WH told them is a spinned out LIE. So add them to the list and make plans next week to make all these calls in ONE DAY.

Calling in one day will ensure that the infidels feel the MAXIMUM IMPACT. It will lessen their opportunities to PRE-EMPT you by calling them first. But, you need to get this done SOON as they are already calling people to spin the story their way.

And here is what you say: My H has been in a long term affair with OW and has abandoned our family. I am doing everything in my power to save our marriage, and would like your support in doing that.

On the way from the store tonight my DS told me something his F said he would do with him on one of his trips down to see him, I said on one of his trips huh, why doesn't he just come back for good, my DS replied "OK, Face it mom he aint coming back and thats final", he said it in a real cocky tone - I was shocked!

This has devasted me, I feel so alone and insecure all of a sudden. Does my son know something I don't? Am I just fooling myself and giving myself false hope? Why am I fighting to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me?

WH called back to say he forgot a sleeping bag to take to his friends house to sleep in so would be coming back tonight to pick one up. I am so paranoid right now, I want to rip the cell phone off his hip to look at it and see if there is anything in it I should know.

Gawd what an aweful feeling, all I want to do is fall asleep and never open my eyes again!

Call the Ws back and let him know that he has to get bedding elsewhere because he has informed your son (via words or actions) that he "ain't coming back". So why would you give your sleeping bag to a strange....stranger?

L.

Laura, how about Plan A?

I'm sorry, what do you mean how about plan A, I really want to do it, but am I just kidding myself?

I was just wondering if you want to try and save your marriage? Have you read up on Plan A? Do you understand how it works?

laura.....

look at my signiture line.....ark on Plan A! Read it and impliment it.

Daisy

I'm trying to understand plan A, I really am - maybe I'm not getting it?
He just came to get sleeping bag - I told him what son said and asked to look at phone, he opened it up and there was a call from OW, he seemed as shocked as I was to see it. He said he didnt know it was there, he didn't answer it, it was also in his missed calls file. I asked if he plans to call her back, he said no, I asked if she calls again will he answer, he said his ringer is off so he likeley would not. I said how it made him feel, he said he wondered what she wanted. I said does it matter what she wanted, he said no so I won't be answering.
I asked if he would read something for me and he said the only thing he will read is financial agreement from me, he said he has done one up to my favor. He refused to take the document from me. Then he started crying and saying he is the one who made the choice to have affairs and even though he did not cheat for the first 17 years of our marriage he is a cheater and a liar, that is who he is and he just wants to get on with life and stop hurting me. Said he is dieing like this. I said for 17 years he was faithful, the years that were a problem we lived in a community that I was miserable in and probably my attitude had alot to do with pushing him down that path, but through honesty and effort we can get back what we had. His only reply is he wants out before we become total enemies.

How is all this suppose to make me feel? Is this normal? Is it a good sign or bad sign????

laura, instead of focusing on the FOGBABBLE of an alien who is in the throes of an affair, how about reading up on Plan A and developing a strategy to save your marriage? He is a confused, fogged out alien who doesn't know what he wants.

It will do you NO GOOD to try and figure out what he says. The way he feels today will change completely tomorrow. Besides, about 80% of what he says are lies anyway.

In the meantime, there is much you can to save your marriage, such as expose the affair as we have outlined above.

please go back and read Pepperband's "The Carrot and Stick of Plan A."