My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We got married young (19-21). At the time, we were both drug and alcohol users. My husband was into much harder drugs than I and he was extremely paranoid. He thought I was cheating with all his friends and was emotionally and verbally abusive. I became a Christian, but continued party a bit to cope. The first 6 years of our marriage was like this. I had several miscarriages and when we finally had a son, he insisted it wasn't his. When my first son was 2, my husband was in a near fatal car accident at which time he came to Christ. Instant change in him. He quit drugs, his personality changed. I mean total change. It has been 11 years since that time.

Recently, we started counseling because he was being raised up more and more as a leader and I was having difficulty giving up control. He was also invited to attend a men's church group. Within the first couple weeks of attending this group, he started having flashbacks from his past. He had a private appointment with our counselor a month ago after which he confessed to being unfaithful during those first years of our accident.

Basically, most were drug and alcohol induced. One night stands. Some were people I knew that he got drunk and had sex with 2 or 3 times. 8 in all...I hope. We started with 4 and then he remembered more over the next week. When he would remember, he would get physically sick.

I have probed with questions and probably asked for too many details. Now I visualize often the events which were so hurtful. I mean the man didn't care if I was asleep in the same house when he did these things. He even had sex in my current home which has been my place of refuge in life.

He says it was all him, I was a wonderful wife, he was sick and twisted in his mind from all the drugs (even though he says that is not an excuse), he had no remorse when he did them, he didn't give them a second thought, he put them away in his mind and hasn't thought about them for all these years except for once when we were waited on at a restaurant by one of them. At that point he said he felt he had God's forgiveness becasue he was born again. He says he has not had an affair, or even struggled with the thought of having one since his accident when he quit drugs and came to know Christ. I don't think the man could do anything more to take responsibility for this and to feel the pain with me.

Since he told me, our marriage is closer and better than ever and I am getting to know his deepest hurts, fears and dreams. We talk and are connected as never before.

I have tried to read books, but none pertain to my situation. Does anyone have any advice on how I can stop visualizing and living in the past for most of my day. Also, how to really come to terms that he was not a good person during that time. I never saw him as he really was. Also, my counselor suggested I don't forgive to quickly. How do you know when you are ready?

Thanks for any input.

Hi beautyfromashes. Sorry to hear your situation. I think you will get lots of useful help here.

This is just a personal subjective insight, not a general recipe. But for me, it's gone this way: I was betrayed, and angry/frustrated/resentful etc with similar movies in my head. Eventually my FWW stopped her multiple affairs, mainly because she wasn't willing to destroy our marriage and hurt our kids. Anyway, to come to the point..

I started thinking hard, and I mean hard - about the bad things I've done to her. No infidelity, but several other sins. And I committed to addressing my own flaws. Joined a men's group at church, read great books about the way to treat one's spouse. Really focused on my own errors rather than hers. And over time our mutual love is growing back, due in part to her realization that I love her enough to forgive her and repent for my own errors.

I haven't gotten over her affairs, and I still have resentment, although less than before. I don't know how the story ends, but recently the trend has been positive. Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

Thank you so much for your reply weneedhelp,

I have been going to counseling for my own issues for about three years. I had just stopped and we changed to a new counselor for our marriage. I pray that during this counseling, he can go through his past and baggage. I know he is a changed person and I remember what our life was like. We were kids hooked on drugs and alcohol...he was just way deeper than I. I have worked through my issues that caused me to use back then. I pray he does as well so he gets full healing. I have confessed and apologized for the areas that I have wronged him...and he says that is nothing compared to what he did.

Back then, I thought he was troubled, but had a good heart and I could change him. Now, I am looking at reality and the things he did, the people he did them with and the places he did them show me that he was not a good person at all. And realizing there was nothing I could have done to change him is difficult. Only God could change him and he did, but it is hard to reconcile my "two husbands" into one man.

Finally, you know what is so silly. I can hardly watch tv. Last night we are watching "Fever Pitch" and there is one scene where they are passionately going at it. Immediately my husband came over to me and put his arm around me. I said, that is what I picture it like with the excitement. He said no..it was dirty, shameful and dead. I just don't understand...why do something that is so horrible? I know he thought I was doing it to him and for him it was intoxication, payback and notches on the belt. I told him that what he imagined I was doing is now my reality and I just don't know how I can go on the rest of my life with this information. SOmetimes I feel like he got to do what he wanted, have his fun and now he gets the blessing of knowing he had a faithful wife after it all and once again, I am stuck with the pain.

Anyway, I could ramble on and on making no sense at all. I know I am in complete victim mode. That is just how it is right now.

Thanks again

Hi again beauty. Initially I spent a lot of time in the 'relationship' aisle in bookstores, scanning everything I could get my hands on about affairs. Then moved to a search for meaning, and spent my bookstore time in the religion aisle. You are probably familiar with many terrifically helpful books to be found there. One that jumped out at me was by Joyce Meyer, 'The Battle Belongs to the Lord..' There are many others as well. I'm growing quite a library of them!

From the BH perspective, "Every Man's Marriage" is tremendous. It helped me focus on my own flaws rather than those of my FWW. Not sure what the equivalent is for women, but that approach might help.

Another great book is Philip Yancey's "What's so Amazing about Grace?". What a book! The tremendous healing power and importance of forgiveness...

If you work at becoming a better person, you will succeed, and improve your marriage as well. If you focus on the betrayal it will just take you deeper into the depths. Please don't do that.

Great reply weneedhelp. You are so right. Focusing on the betrayal does no good. It only re-opens the wounds.

Beauty, you mention that he was not a good person before. Well, think about this: What if he was ALWAYS a good person, but some of the ACTIONS he did were wrong. It's a different way of thinking about it. I know you feel you are the only victim, but he is/was a victim too. -a victim of temptation.

Suggestions for books on forgiveness are great. It seems forgiveness is so misunderstood. If your councilor is telling you not to forgive to quickly, they do not really know what forgiveness is. It is for you, rather than your husband. And the quicker you do it the better, or you will be a slave to your past and become bitter. Reconciliation is separate, and that comes afterwards.

Thank you so much for your advice. I have been having ups and downs. Some days, I do fine, but others I seem tormented by images (I really asked for too much information). This happened so long ago, and his is an entirely different man now. I can't get over the fact of how he could do this to me. How on earth do you get over that? I know he is sorry, I know he is repentant, I know all those years ago he was drug addicted, alcohol induced, paranoid, thought I was the one cheating, etc. Still, I don't know how he could have done this to me...and with no remorse at the time and done in any way he could think of to hurt me the most.

Also, how could I be so clueless? I am a person who suffers from control issues. How could I not have known? I have controlled nothing all these years. How could some of these women who were friends of mine do this as well? They must have gotten many a good laugh throughout the years when I have run into them. One even waited on me and my husband a few months ago. I am a joke.

I have never been a jealous person, now I look for signs of everything. I really wish he had not told me. We were living a ok life. Things are so much more intimate and better now that there is truth (he has been able to open up and show love)...but you know what, part of me thinks I would have rather not known and stayed at ok.

I love him and my children and our life now is so awesome and there are so many years passed since this has happened, but I am angry and I don't know if this will go away...I want to run away.

Sorry, I am really in pathetic, pity me mode. I had my son's birthday party all day and now I am throwing a pity party for myself.

Anyway, I will try the Joyce Meyer book. I am going to her conference next week and will get it there. Maybe God can meet me there and heal my heart.

Sounds like u need closure. Best to read His Needs/Her Needs (HARLEY) and call Steve H @ MB to help you get closure with a plan.

L.

Beauty,

I understand your situation very well. My faithful wife is going through the very same thing with me at this moment. Unfortunetly, my wife is unable to cope at this time as is leaving me. Keep strong and I wish you the best. I can tell you from the perspective of the cheater, if your FWH had those actions some time ago and nothing current, he's probably all yours today and gets a lot from religion to keep him grounded. I'm in those shoes today, but having a hard time convincing my wife that she's the only one for me.

Actually no...they are the joke. They were used and then thrown away liked soiled kleenex.

You situation is a bit similar to mine, my H was a drug addict however our d-day occured before H stopped doing drugs. My H had an ONS and an EA (two different OW`s) and d-day for both occured at the same time which was long after the actual ONS.

I knew both of these women and had even had them in my home before d-day.

Yes your H does have two sides...but you knew that already. You knew he was a drug addict. A`s are just another form of addiction, just another form of self medication. That`s the way you have to look at this. Those women were a fix for your H, nothing more.

In a way I think when you have a spouse who is an addict and has cheated it`s a bit easier to understand and to recover from. They didn`t fall in love with the OP`s, addicts can`t fall in love with anyone. They love the high they got but not the person. While your H was an active addict he didn`t love you either.

But your H is not an addict anymore. Not an active one. He`s seen the error of his ways and straightened himself out. It does sound like he loves you very much now. I give him alot of credit for coming clean. That took alot of courage.

About being clueless...your H gave you one MAJOR indicator of what he was up too. He began to accuse you. My H did the same thing even asking me if our second child was his. That`s a BIG red flag when your spouse starts to accuse you. You know this now and it won`t get by you again.

It will go away. The two of you are doing what needs to be done so I am certain it will. It will take some time approx 2 years before you are totally back to feeling "normal" all of the time but it will happen.

Please realise that your H did not do this "TO YOU" he just did it. It was not done to hurt you, certainly he wasnt thinking of you but that is not the same as deliberately doing this to you. Just as his addcition was never about you either.

When you see these women around please realise that they are shamed. You did nothing wrong. They did. Hold your head high and look right through them as if they do not exist. They were just recepticales for your H. And they now know it. I am sure when they see the two of you together and happy all these years later it compounds their humiliation.

Beauty,


The visuals will lessen and dim with time, but you will not forget this happened anymore than you will forget other major events in your life, both good and bad. What you are experiencing is completely normal for a BS. I am nearly 29 months past d-day and still have times when I think overly much about FWH's betrayal and the sadness is overwhelming during those moments.

I still struggle with the reality that my FWH was never the wonderful loyal man I always believed him to be. I am still surprised that I still love him in spite of knowing what he is capable of. I don't know if future infidelity would destroy my love for him, but I do know that it wouldn't really matter because I couldn't stay with him if it happened again.

I wouldn't give half a thought to the opinions of the OW. THey simply do not matter. THey didn't matter to your H way back then, if they had, he would have moved on with them and not you.

If I had to estimate who lost the most in my FWH's A tho, I would have to say that he did, then me, and lastly, OW. You see, she never really had anything to lose to begin with. Her time with FWH was stolen, his committment to her and her dreams of a future with him were a fantasy that only she had.

I am sorry that you are hurting, it is hard to have to go thru this, but remember that we are here for you and all of we BS completely understand.

Who

you recover by working your program

one day at a time

one hour at a time

and sometimes ... on your knees

how long have you been clean/sober?

Pep

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice. I really needed that today. I just spend the last three days at a Joyce Meyer conference. Somehow I thought God would miraculously heal my heart and mind and it would all be better.

Now today I am dissapointed, depressed and angry.

My husband got irritated with my kids and then me for the first time since d-day. I responded quite inappropriately with a side comment about the affairs...had nothing to do with what was going on. Just a hurtful dig. I guess there is no magic solution...Somehow, I keep thinking there is going to be one thing that will take all this away. When I think that there isn't I wonder...can I stay and live the rest of my life like this? I honestly don't know...

On a side note...at the conference someone asked how long we had been married. When I told them 17 years, they said they thought we were newly weds by how wonderful my husband treated me and the way he looked at me and how lucky I am to have him. I know he loves me now...I don't doubt that he has been faithful since he became a Christian 11 years ago. He has been a good husband and father since that time. Since d-day, he has been so loving and treated me like the husband I always wanted. But, I can't...or won't...stop living in the past.

Anyway...I guess it is time to get on my knees as Pep suggested. And to answer Pep's question, we have been totally off drugs for 11 years, drank "socially" until last June when we totally quit that also.

Thanks again for all your support.