Hi Everyone,
Hope someone can give me some sound advice. After being together for 8 years and married 3.5, I feel like I am ready to throw in the towel. My H and I had no intimacy (sex) for months at a time. We have a great "Friend" relationship; the communication department has no complaints, unless we start talking about sex. He always says that he has a headache, too tired, too hungry, too full, or it's too late, or just not in the mood. For the last 3.5 years, I bring it up, I cry, he tries, and 2 weeks later, we are back to square 1.
Recently, a co-worker and I started to flirt and I feel like I am a teenager again. I feel pretty, confident, and sexy. All I can do is think of this new guy. When my husband touches me now, even when he puts his hand on my thigh, I don't like it. Nothing, but flirting has happened between this guy at work. A part of me is angry that my H has let it come to this. So 2 weeks ago, I told my H that I like it when the co-worker flirts with me, but I don't like that I like it. H went nuts and threw a chair (not at me) and broke it. We had sex twice since then, but there is still tension and this hopeless feeling I have inside. He is feeling sad too, I think he is looking to me for support, but I feel like I can't give that to him right now because I am unstable myself. A big part of me just wants to end it now because I feel like I am no longer in love with him. For the last 3 years, I was depressed and cried all the time. I finally feel like I am numb to it and that I don't have to feel the pain anymore. I don't want to go back to being the depressed and ugly feeling I had. I don't want to have an affair either. I would rather be divorced before I be with someone else. We are both scared of counseling and to be honest right now, I would rather wait until it gets worse and then end it. Trouble is, we just bought a condo. At least we have no kids. Has anyone ever felt this?

Thanks,
Spydee

Why would you be scared of counseling? I think counseling is the one way to salvage your marriage and make it better. Don't be afraid. What do you have to lose?

As someone who was recently cheated on, I would so strongly advise you to seek counseling. I know it seems scary but I bet it will be a lot less painful than a divorce. If you try it and it doesn't work atleast you'll know you tried everything. You have a lot of years invested with your H and I wouldn't toss it away without a fight.

He is scared of conseling because he is scared of the finger pointing. I am scared because I finally feel numb to it, I don't want to go back and open myself up for being hurt and insecure again. Also, how do I stop thinking about this co-worker who makes me feel good.

Fix the one you have before you dive into another relationship. You're trading one set of problems for another.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? I suggest you do.

Suppose you get take your flirting one step further, what are you going to say to your husband? That "it just happened?" What do you think will happen once the the "newness" of an affair wears off? You still have to face reality? The time you are investing in flirting with this co-worker is time and energy taken away from your marriage. Just because your co-worker makes you feel good, do the "right" thing. And doing the right thing doesn't always make you feel good. But it will make you a better person.

Both of you and your husband need to talk and rediscover what was it that brought you and your husband together in the beginning. Try different approaches. For instance, say "When you do this...., it causes me to feel.......". Take one issue at a time and allow him to respond. Also, take time to acknowledge each other when both of you do something nice or notice the change. A simple "thanks babe for..... I really appreciated it." Don't point finger or blame each other.

Good luck.

hi, i am new, but need to comment. I think that you are feeling loss of sexual fufillment. I have felt this recently. my H just had an affair and then refused to have sex with me. I know your feelings and how the strong feelings of this other man want to draw you to his arms for comfort. YOu want to feel whole and stop crying all the time. You need to tell you spouse that you have feeling for the other man and have yet to commit to a sexual affair, because you wnat him to meet your needs first. You are having an emotional affair with the other man and need to end contact with him completely!!! You also need to read his needs her needs with you husband and discuss the vingettes in the book. Especailly the chapter on affection and also on sexual fufillment. Know that you have made a commitment ot your H when you married saying that you would protect him - in sickness and in health- now is your time to protect him even if that is hard for you!!

spydee,

My FWH could have written your post several years ago. In a word, STOP contemplating an affair as the solution, it isn't.

Counseling is. My FWH suggested it several times and I resisted because I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I couldn't feel passion for my own husband. I loved him, but he didn't know it.

If I had had any idea that he was so desparate to feel wanted and desired that he would succumb to the advances of OW, I would have jumped at the chance to go to MC with FWH.

FWH knew immediately once the affair started that it wasn't going to solve any of our problems and that it had created a complete new set of problems.

Before you give up on your marriage, try being completely honest with your H and don't sugar coat it. In a non-threatening way, let him know what is at stake and that you are willing to work on it.

If all else fails and you don't feel you want to stay in your marriage, then don't, but end your marriage before entering into any other relationship. Take the high road and you won't regret it.

Who

STOP! DO NOT DO IT!

Speaking as one who has cheated, once the buzz of the affair wears off and it ends- and they usually all end- you're going to feel lower than dirt and the guilt and remorse will have you questioning everything that you've ever known or thought you were.

Your morals and character?? Forget it- out the window.

Get to counseling. Then, if the marriage can't be mended end it before you think about hooking up with someone else. That way you can hold your head up high when you make the choice to leave. Otherwise you can't.

Please I wish someone would have prevented me from this course.

Thank you so much, everyone for your advice. I moved out and will be gone for a few days to gather my thoughts. I am staying with my parents. I will do my best to stay away from OM and concentrate on my marriage with H. Is it normal that I feel some relief that I am not around H? I feel incredible guilt for leaving, but don't want to go home because I feel sorry for him. I feel like I don't love him anymore. Do you think counseling will help that? Can counseling make you fall in love again?

It sounds as though your "flirting" was really an EA. For you to make a truly rational, objective decision about your M, you need to do a lot more than "do my best to stay away from OM and concentrate on my marriage".

You need to go home, that means "home" to your H, get to a pro-marriage counselor, and throw yourself 1000% into fixing your M, understanding there is NO "quick fix".

Recovery from an A takes 2-5 years (I can see you rolling your eyes). But seriouslu, you need to focus on investing that long to do right by your M.

For you to toss this M aside for your co-worker is a recipe for disaster.

No. Love is a verb. First you must decide your M is worth saving, then you decide to love your H, then you meet his ENs, then your feelings of being in love naturally start to come back. That is how it works. Action before feelings, not waiting for the feeling to be right before you act.

Having said that - MC is very helpful and is highly recommended so long as your counsellor is pro-marriage.

...and you don't wonder "why" this is the situation?

You are married less than 5 years, no children, and you don't have sex for "months at a time". And you don't think this should be checked out? Have you considered the possibilty your H has something physically, or psychologically wrong? As his wife, wouldn't you want to help him? Could HE be having an A? And, you answer is to "flirt" with a co-worker?

You have some work to do.

Spydee - just look at the volume of posts on this web site and the pain that A's have inflicted on the WS and BS. Please do not cheat on your H, focus your energy on solving the problems in your M, go to counseling, do whatever it takes. And if everything fails, then divorce your H. But don't betray him - does he really deserve that much pain?

Allow me to introduce myself to you. I am a FWW. I just recently exposed my EA/PA to my H of 6.5 yrs. We have two children together.

What you are contemplating is going to literally RUIN your life. STOP NOW! You and your H need therapy, now.

My advice -

1. Find God (if you haven't already)
2. Stop ALL contact with OM
3. Find a pro-marriage therapist
4. WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE

Why did you marry this man? Think back, when you were falling in love with him. What where the traits that HE had that you found irresitable???

I PROMISE YOU - you can get back those feelings, but it takes a lot of time and patience. Marriage is hard work, but worth it.

Please reconsider that you are about to do. Take it from me, the images in my mind will never go away. I have to live with that for the rest of my life!!!

Please....don't do this.

Please re-post your original post in General Questions...there is a lot more traffic there.

Be prepared to get bombarded with responses. AND TRUST WHAT YOU READ - THESE PEOPLE HERE HAVE BEEN ON BOTH SIDES.

Don't do this!

So spydee - what's is going to be?????

SPYDEE - I copied your original post to General Questions II - as I stated before there is MUCH more activity there.

Please look there for responses.

Take it easy....

Spydee please move this thread to GQII, there are people there who will help you and quick.

All advice you have gotten here is good please consider it.

An affair is NOT the way to go, you will leave nothing but devastation in your wake. Consider having you H post here and write a No Contact (NC) letter together and have him mail it. If you take the bull by the horns and start working on things first you can avoid a lot of resentment and regrets. The old pro's over on GQII will help you through this. Also think about counseling with the Harleys it is worth every penny.