Okay, so as I've posted before, I found out my husband had been having an affair for a few months 1 week ago today and since confronting him with it, he has fessed up, cut off all contact, changed his cell phone number, everything you could possibly want him to do, I mean bending over backwards, even going to counseling. We are getting along better than we have in almost a year, I mean just like when we first fell in love seven years ago. Today I found out that his lover is going back to her husband and four children. Apparantly in her words it is time for her to grow up, etc. (she is 12 years older than my husband). So as you can see, things are going too well, I am looking for the catch? Should I take this all at face value? Or should I be paranoid? Is this too good to be true??????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I think your situation seems very promising. It often happens like that - the WS realizes he made a mistake, cuts off contact, and will go to counseling. These types of cases are much more favorable for recovery.

I hope so, I just can't help but be a little paranoid about it.

Oh, I didn't say not to be paranoid. I just said it seems encouraging. Now that your husband has betrayed his vows, you cannot trust him like you did before. You will need to keep checking and verifying. That is one of the consequences of him having an affair.

It won't always be like this, but you need caution until he rebuilds your trust.

Also you need to let him know that you are not willing to go back to the old marriage. Insist on a new and better marriage, where an affair can't happen.

afuast, I just want to caution you about something so you won't be disappointed if it happens. Often contact resumes when the relief of not getting kicked out wears off. It is not uncommon for a resumption to take place. Watch your back. Trust but verify...

Does her H know all about the affair? His knowing will increase the odds that it doesn't resume.

I have to say, he is really offering that. Ever since I can remember, he has been very shut down, he kept to himself. Now it's like all the sudden he wants to be open about his feelings, and share everything, it's almost scary, refreshing, but scary. And at the same time, I'm still don't trust that he is being completely honest. I don't know what to believe. I was very encouraged to hear that the OW was going back to her husband though. I just don't want to not trust him and this behavior stop. I mean all of this happened because we weren't able to be there for each other or confide in each other. Now that he is, I don't want to be the one that brings the house of cards down.

And you shouldn't trust, afaust. Not for a long time. Trust has to be earned. If I know anything about these affairs, I do know they don't always end overnight. So, please watch your back. It may be that your WS and his OW had a fight that will blow over. That is why I am suggesting you contact her H and compare notes. You can't count on your H to tell you the truth.

I'm not sure if her H knows specifically or not, but her H cheated first (OMG I am in soap opera ******!) and I'm sure he knows she's been sleeping with several people (My husband found out about one of them. He says he was looking for a way to end it anyway without her going psycho and telling me, so that was the perfect out for him.) (see... soap opera ******). Anyway, that is my worst fear, that he will talk to her again.

afaust, your best insurance is to call him and compare notes and make sure he knows. Make sure she is telling her H the same story you are getting. And you don't really know if he does know unless you tell him yourself. This will be extra insurance against a resumption to stay in touch with him.

Oh well, that brings up the other part of the story, I found out about this affair because she blogged every detail on her myspace site. After finding out, I also had a 6 hour long IM conversation with her. (PS I was very proud of myself, I was completely mature about it. I really thought I would freak or cuss or act like a Jerry Springer side show) Anyway, from my understanding she was soooo bummmed out because my husband had broke it off a week before I found out (ie the sleeping with other guy) He still emailed her as "friends" supposedly to keep her from going psycho and calling me. She blogged that she hated that he expected her to just be friends.....and so the saga goes

They can have NO CONTACT for life. It would be best to tell OW'S H....even if he had been unfaithful. You can let him know that it is poosible for them to have a better marriage than pre-A's. Let him know that you and your H want to rebuild a better marriage and it is best achieved with NC. See is he can be on board to help insure NC happens.

afaust, her H probably has no idea whatsoever about the affair. That is another reason he needs to be told.

Do you have spyware on your H's computer so you can secretly keep an eye on his computer activities?

p.s. here is a good article by Dr. Harley about how affairs should end: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Here's my dilema with contacting the OWH, she and he are trying to work things out, and they have four children, who am I to stir things up again if he is willing to overlook all of the indesrcetions. I mean, I am 99% sure he already knows just simply because he has posted replies to her blogs about my husband. He would have to be deaf dumb and blind not to. I mean if the WS has to cut off all contact, shouldn't that apply to contacting the OP and their spouse. Wouldn't we all be better off just letting go of the past and moving on? Then again how do I know I am not the only one doing so.... See I can't make up my mind to save my life. Here's the deal, I have control over evry aspect of our financial life. His paycheck is deposited directly into our mutual account, I take care of the budget. He has no other sources of income. I have detailed billing on our phones, have blocked IM and text messages,changed his cell phone number, canceled his myspace and yahoo accounts, keep very close tabs on our computer, and the only place he goes by himslef now is work. If there was any contact it would be nearly impossible, so i feel very secure on my end that he will not contact her and she has no means to contact him...new cell number, no email, no text or internet on his phone, we live in a different state now, etc. So, as you can see, I don't think contact is the problem. I'm more concerned about us slipping back into our old ways of fighting, and neglecting each other and spuring another affair with another woman. I mean this wasn't a sex thing, and I am meeting his need for converstation and affection now, so the only logical way for this to become a problem again is if both of us relapse. That's what I worry aout. I mean we women have instincts. I knew in my gut when the affair was going on and I knew when it ended. And now I feel in my gut we are good....for now. That's where I fear the catch is.......

I recognize what you're talking about. I was also very afraid of slipping back into the "old pattern". I think lots of folks worry about that in the recovery phase.

If you haven't already done the Emotional Needs Questionnaire here at MB, you might start with that. You'll also want to read His Needs / Her Needs. Staying on top of ENs will help you both feel more secure. The Five Love Languages is also a good reference.

If your husband has wrapped up his affair, is maintaining NC, has already gone through the withdrawal phase, and is living with transparency....it's mostly maintenance after that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had a couple of good talks with my husband after our marriage crisis in which I made him aware of my fears regarding the "old pattern". We had suffered through some pretty bad emotional distancing for half of our 20+ year marriage. I didn't want to go back to that.

In our discussion, I referred to that as being in "the bad place". I'm not willing to live in 'the bad place' anymore. I experienced a sense of panic at times when I noticed it, and I've made him aware of these feelings.

These days, when old patterns occasionally crop up, I nip them in the bud. I can only control ME, so I make sure I talk to him about it. This is in-line with the agreement we've made together. And I make sure that I LISTEN with an open mind if he notices the pattern and wants to talk.

Sometimes a WS wants to put their affair in the past and leave it there. They don't want to talk about it. Often, they feel like their spouse will never 'get over it'. But like any other agreement you make together, you can implement POJA for some rules that will make this kind of communication a positive experience for both of you.