I'm new to this site, but have found a lot of what people are saying to be quite informative and very helpful since I found nowhere else online that talks about a lot of this. I'm looking for advice, suggestions, etc, and a way to vent what is happening to me in a forum where others would understand.
I have been married for 15 years, and I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. I'm only 34 years old and my husband is 4 years older than me. I obviously got married young, and will constantly be reminded of that by my mother. I have made the most of my life, having gotten married young, didn't finish college and having children so young. I think of myself as quite successful, compared to where my parents were at my age. My husband is originally not from this country, but ended up here due to war in his own country. When he originally got here, his father left his mother (married 20 years) for another woman. I have always expressed my fear that like father, like son, but I was always told he would never be like his father.
As family we have been through a lot, emotionally and financially, we are finally at a place in life where we have everything that we dreamed of - big house, kids in private school, nice cars, stable jobs.
For the past 3 years, my husband had changed. He started to come home almost every night very late. When I would ask where he was, he'd tell me that he needed time to breathe since his job was very stressful and he was cooped up in an office all day and was required to work late hours. I never liked this, but I learned to accept it after awhile since he swore to me that it was innocent and nothing was going on, he just needed his time. he always knew what he was doing was wrong, but he would at times swear that he would change and ask that I just be patient. During this time I learned to check up on him, meaning constantly checking the bank, trying to read his emails, looking at his phone bill, trying to check his phone on occasion. I felt that by doing that, I could see more or less what it is that he was up to. Nothing seemed that suspicious and I never threw it in his face or used it against him. He had an idea that I checked on him and asked that i didn't, but I did anyways. I figured that if he continued with his behavior, I was allowed to do what I was doing.
There was an issue that we've been having over the years and that was a female friend of his. This female friend used to be married to another friend of ours but they since divorced. we all 4 used ot be friends, but after teh divorce, she seemed to only speak to him. I used to get angry about it and I would be told I was just a jealous wife. My husband seems to give off a very caring attitude towards people and woman just eat it up. He continues this friendship with this female friend still to this day.
I started to suspect something going on about 3 months ago. Needless to say, last week, he finally admitted to me that he had cheated on me and the ow is pregnant. This ow is not the same female friend I mentioned above, it's someone completely different. Someone who I suspected and even asked about on a prior occasion. All my suspiciouns came true.
As you can imagine, I am hurt beyond belief, as I got married so young and have given all of myself to this relationship that I do not feel that I have an identity of my own.
A lot has been said between then and now but to sum it up, he says he is not turning his back on the oc or the ow. He says that he has to maintain a relationship with her for the sake of the oc. I have been working on getting him to give me a definition of what "relationship" means, but I haven't gotten anything back concrete.
my h is the type of person who feels that unless he leaves the house, he is not the one who broke up the family. I tend to believe otherwise, since he chose to betray us, emotionally he left us a long time ago.
He claims he loves me very much and doesn't want to leave the house, but it's ultimately my decision. I am confused of course.
I am a person that likes to plan or at least know what to expect, so it hurts to feel like everything is uncontrollable at this time and it's hard to make a decision not knowing what other people's expectations are, etc.
He told me at first when ow found out she was pregnant, she told him she didn't want anything to do with him as she was aware that he was married and didn't want to ruin anything. But being the good guy that he thinks he is, he has since reassured her that he will always be there and wants to take responsibility. I told him that he should have let her go at that time since she should have known what she was walking into when she did this with him, and if she chose to keep ths baby, she has to expect to go this alone. I explained to him, which is what the therapist told me, he has a financial and emotional obligation to the child, not to her, he just doesn't seem to see that. I understand the obligation he feels to the child, but I cannot accept the obligation to the ow. I feel that it's unfair. Now he tells me that she lives with a friend of hers and he doesn't want to see his oc living in a bedroom, that he wants to get her into her own place. Knowing how he is, I think he's planning or hoping to buy something, which I know that we cannot afford as it is.
My biggest problem is that I cannot get that clear definition of relationship. Does that mean you go to dinner with her? only go to the doctor with her? I'm sure he's already speaking to her daily, what more does she want or expect? My fear is that he will continue having his cake and eating it too, since what more can happen at this point, she's pregnant already.
I have asked him to not lie to me anymore, to only tell me the truth, even if it hurts me, but I'm starting to second guess that decision as the truth is seriously hurting me as much as the lies. but when he does tell me truths, I make sure to be calm and tell him that I appreciate that he's telling me the truth.
He claims that if I ask him to leave, he would understand and he would keep me and my kids in the house we are in now, and not change our lifestyle. I think this was a factor in why i put up with the going out all the time, I figured that if I made a stink, my kids lives would change and I didn't want that, so I thought I'd sacrifice myself for them.
I know that he does love me, but the hurt does not go away. How can someone claim to love someone but have done this at the same time? Obviously, my questions of why are fruitless. It happened, these are the consequences, I have my choices, and now I have to decide. I cannot dwell on the past and how and why.
I did ask him to not have contact with ow, but he refuses. I have asked him to swear to me that they are not going to have sex again, but how do I know to believe him. I told him I didn't think it was right for her to believe he was her boyfriend or something and he didn't seem to give me much answer.
He claims she's a good girl and that this is all his fault, which I totally disagree with, it took two. He claims he doesn't think she'd go after him or us, but he also said that he would much rather prefer this stay friendly so that there is not that threat of her coming after us. Am I supposed to believe that this is the better choice?
I have warned him that he needs to understand that she needs the right to be able to move on with her life, but with him constantly there or her knowing he's paying for something, she may never move on because she knows she has him there or she feels obligated because he's paying.
some days I think I am strong and have told him that i thought he should move out, then some days, the days that he spends quality time with us, I get all wrapped up in how much I love him and then I think about trying to make this work. I have also thought about giving this some time. Friends have told me to wait because you never know if she miscarries or something and I would have kicked him out for nothing, but child or no child, he still betrayed me so does it make it right? I also think about not giving him time, just doing it now and cut my losses so that I can move on without being further hurt. I am so confused.
I did seek a therapist last week and she seems to be leading me down the road of kicking him out, but I'm unsure if thats because of what I said and maybe she thinks that's where I'm pushing. I asked him to come with me to my next session but he really doesn't want to. i reassured him that he wouldn't be beat up, that I needed him to go to help me out only. I truly think he will just make an excuse and not go.
He says he needs to see her while she's pregnant, and obviously doesn't feel comfortable telling me, oh I'm coming home late, I have to spend time with ow. so he has to lie to me, which I am obviously going to be looking out for anyway and will probably know when it's happening. I'm not sure I can live like this.
I'm a very spiritual person as well, but I don't have a priest that I can talk to to try to help me either.
I just don't know what to do, I'm sorry if i've gone in a million different directions with this, as anyone can imagine, this is not an easy situation.
and then I also think about how this is just the beginning. Can I live with this?
I really do love him a lot, and I am trying my hardest to figure out if I can forgive him or not. I have already told him that if there is any chance at all, that we have to work together with this, not against each other.
I even suggested me meeting this woman, but he's against it. He seems to defend her more than he defends me. He's more worried that I'll do something to her, than if she were to try to do something to me or my own kids. I've asked him if he loves her, he's only said that he can't say love, but that there had to be something there for him to start a relationship with her. I asked if she loved him, he only said, imagine, she's pregnant with my child, she must be feeling something.
I think I should end this now, it's getting too long.
Any advice or suggestions anyone has are very welcome. I thank you in advance.

Oh, I'm not a big fan of the "fog" excuse, but maybe someone will come here and help you out with that one, as it seems he is definitely hasn't given up OW completely.

I think I would tell him what you can and can't live with. What is acceptable to YOU. I know it's hard to know right now, but I think he should be playing in your ballpark, not the other way around. You can still be a spiritual woman, still love the man and appreciate his good points and still keep yourself safe from any more unnecessary emotional upheaval. Sounds like he does want his cake and to eat it to. You are not the one who sabotaged this marriage, so get rid of the guilt. Sounds like a plan A or B time.

Im' sure someone else with more experience with this type of behavior will chime in soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your advice.
I unfortunately think that he's not willing to play by my rules, even though you would think he would want to if he wanted to save the marriage. I think he would just lie to me to appease me, and I have to figure out if that's something I want to have in the back of my mind all the time. He says that he's just as confused as I am, although I have told him I will not feel sorry for him or allow him to try to be the victim, he definitely isn't. I don't know if time will make him realize what he shouldn't have in mind or if time will only make things worse. The ow is only 3 months now, so I'm not sure his timetable in trying to find her somewhere, I don't know if I should give more time to see what comes about with this or not.
if someone has been through this, with a husband that is not that willing to play by your rules, how have you handled it? how did you work to get back together?
If I ask him to leave i'm not sure I would want to take him back, that's why I'm very scared to make the final decision one way or the other. I'm scared that if I tell him to leave, he won't try to work his way back, and I guess that would probably be a sign that it wasn't meant to be. but how can I take him back when I will have no idea what he did when we were apart and if he's truly working to reconcile or his life is just easier that way?
Part of me wonders if it's not better to let him stay and be able to see how he treats this situation and whether he truly is making an effort, or let him go and then not see if he's making an effort, and possibly pushed him into the arms of the ow.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Only you can decide how much you are willing to bear. My own H also felt that he ought to see OW through the pregnancy but wasn't as undecided as your H. He wanted to try to save our marriage so he did play the game mostly by my rules. He felt responsible (as he was) but did not support OW during the pregnancy in the way she wanted. There were phone calls after doctor's visits but no going to visits or visiting her at all during the pregnancy. Your H is truly only responsible for the child and during the pregnancy can be a time for you two to figure out what you both want--but not with him continuing close contact with OW. As one poster said, he wants both of you.

Don't blame yourself--he is the one who upended your marriage. Stay strong and take care of yourself. It's truly a traumatic time.

I agree I think your H is pushing his luck and being a cake eater. He needs to realize that he must choose what he wants. And if he decides on the marriage then he needs to fully commite to that.

You need to draw a line on what you will be comfortable with, and then stick to them. And your H will need to respect your wishes.

I have other post this and I agree with them, there should be NC with her until the baby is born and test prove he is the father. This will give you guys time to really work on rebuilding the marriage.

We are NC but if my H did want C with OC (after proven he was father) then I had rules for that, like phone calls would be while I was in room, if she called while I was gone to tell me about it right away, and I even asked that in beginning if we could pick up OC at GP for a while just to give me more time to recover. But he decide on NC.

But during the pregnacy I would say NC at all, yes he is partially responsiable if he is the F but so is OW and if she wanted someone to be there for her while she goes thru the pregnacy then she shouldnt of gotten involved with a married man!!!! I wouldnt feel sorry for her one bit.

It is really important that you guys work on your marriage right now, it is time for H to start thinking of you instead of Ow. I did like 25harriet post too, but that is the most that I would give in too, there is no reason for anymore.

I know your scared, and putting your foot down, and drawing the lines in the sand is hard, cause you dont know of the outcome, but it is not fair to you to come in second place, you are his wife and you deserve to be put in first place and it is time for him to step up and do what he needs to do for you.... not the OW.

You just got to trust that the decision you make will be the right ones and hope for the best. When you talk to your H about it try to get the venting done before hand so that way you can calmly talk to him, be strong when you do, look him in the eyes and let him know that you mean what you are saying. That you love him and that you are willing to work it out but you can only put up with so much, and that you need to see him working at it just as hard.

HUGS!!!

Stacey


I too married young. I meet my h at the age of 16 and married at the age of 17. My h and his 1st w had a d who is now 22 out of wedlock in hs and then they m when she was 3 months old. I got involved with my h while he was physically seperated from his w and they had drawn up d papers, but their d was no final. I am not proud of that but I must acknowledge I played the OW at one time. Don't discount yourself. I am sure you were involved with your children and you do have an identity of your own. It is probably just really difficult to see it right now.


An abbreviated version was posted here in the last couple of weeks, entitled new here. You have to set boundaries. You can't allow contact with the OW "for the sake of the child". The OW and my H both claim she was just a ONS and then he only visited in secret to see the child. And look what happened. Another child. Contact with the child can be arranged through a relative or through a neutral party. Has paternity been established through DNA? If both the OW and your H claim they need to have c regarding child, then you can be part of that contact. Beware, the OW will probably try to insist that you be excluded. Don't put up with that. Your h will have to decide which is more important to him, c with the OW, our his marriage. In time as things settle down, maybe you will be able to be OK with unsupervised contact.


I agree and my h is very much like your h. My h has went nc with the ow. So I am willing to give him more time for us to work things out. I don't believe I would have been able to allow it if he insisted on c with the ow. A person can divorce a person in their heart but not get a legal d.


Start thinking about boundaries you need to set. What can you live with and what can you not tolerate?


And you should not accept it either! Have you asked him what about his obligation to his w and his children?


Are they open to the oc living with you and your h until the ow finds her own place? I doubt it.


She never had a right to as much as a private conversation with your h and just because she became pregnant, she doesn't have anymore rights. As painful as it may be, you may have to tell him to leave, out of love for him.


You are right. I question the same thing. Your h has some internal issues he will have to admit and deal with our it will not get any better.


It is your decision, but I don't think you have much of a choice, he must chose.


Also, a DNA test needs to be done, period. The red flag I see is that he is unwilling to go nc or supervised c with the ow, he may still be in an emotional affair with her.


Only you know what you can live with.


If your h had a drug problem, would you be OK with him visiting a crack house and lying about it or would you in love make him get help or leave?


There may be hope for your m but you have to set boundaries and stick to them. As my h has went nc with the OW, he doesn't have the rose-colored glasses on so much as in the beginning. This is another red flag, why does he want to protect her and not his family?

My heart goes out to you. You have a difficult decision that only you can make. I can only tell you what I believe and what I think I would do. I think he is still having an a with her and that has to stop for there to be any hope for restoring your m.

Ann

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my post. I certainly appreciate all the replies, as this forum seems to be more helpful than the therapist because everyone has a similar situation.
Since I last posted, we've had further conversations. I did bring up the boundaries and how I was not willing to accept him treating her as another wife, not just because it's unfair to me, but also to her. I explained to him about the cake and eating it too. But unfortunately, he takes time to process information until I know whether what I said had any affect.
Night time is the most difficult time for me because of my anxiety. Since he works from afternoon till night, I'm fine in the morning because I know he's home and she's at work, but then in the evenings I start to get anxious about the night and whether tonight is the night he is going to go and see her and come home late. I have already told him I didn't want this happening, but again, I'm still waiting to see if what I said went through. I have a bad feeling that it didn't register.
Part of me is really trying to take the time to see if he changes and if this is something i can live with, but it's not easy. This is really tearing me up inside.
when we talk, I start to have that feeling that maybe this could work, but then during the day and into the evening, I start to feel otherwise.
I'm so confused.
And I hate this uncertainty of not knowing what even tonight holds.
He said he'd have a DNA test done, but, he's quite sure the baby is his. And I believe it is too.
I wish it were that easy that I could demand he stop contact and he does, but I just hate to think that he'd just lie about it, which I'll figure out anyways.
He claims he could not live with himself not having contact with at least the oc, and i'm still trying to convince him he seriously doesn't need to be there for the ow. I even told him i'd rather she took him to court and got court mandated cs, so that he would not have to deal with her personally, and we would know what the set amount would be every month. I'm not sure if this is a good thing to wish for or not.
thanks again for everyone reading and replying.

Sweety, it's time for you to start protecting yourself and your children . Child support will probably be huge for OC, especially if H's income is good. Either way, it will impact you & your children. At this stage of the game, my suggestion would be to focus on your children, get a legal separation ( this is not a Divorce ) and file for the sake of your children & you. You don't know which way this is going to go with H & OW and you don't want your order coming in after hers. There won't be much left for your 2 children. This will also show H that you are serious and if he isn't going to make the right decisions, you certainly will. Don't sit back waiting for him to sucker punch you again. This may be just the thing to knock his as* out of his fog-one way or the other. He has to make a decision. It's not fair to anyone that he gets to have everything his way. Stop this madness NOW. He's not leaving your home because it's just one more way of him testing the waters to see how far you let him go in having his cake and eating it too. If you force the issue and he leaves, unfortunately, he was probably going to leave anyway, just in his own time after pulling you through the ringer some more. Don't sit back and wait for it. You'll only be destroyed by it even more.

I understand you love him. Believe me I do. But just because we love someone doesn't mean they are good for us, should be with them or that we are at the mercy of their abuse. No one deserve that reward from love. Love yourself more and get yourself & your children protected.

I'll pray for your strength. [color:"purple"] [/color]

As I've think I've mentioned before, everyday I am feeling different.
Today is a day that he works early, so he has the evening off and I think that he is hoping to make plans to see her for dinner. Knowing this, I have been saying since last night that I don't want him to and laying out my boundaries and what I see as right and wrong. But he never responded, probably knowing that what he says is going to hurt me. So, the last thing he mentioned last night was that he thinks it may be best for him to move out, but it was not like a definite statement, it was more, let me say something so that she'll let me go to sleep.
My question is this though: How is time apart supposed to heal any of this? Isn't this just sending him into the arms of the ow? Or isn't this just giving him freedom to do what he wants, when he wants, with no one to have to please?
I believe, or at least I hope that he would hurt by leaving, but I also think that he may see it as the easiest way for himself to handle this, again, not having to see me everyday or hear me, not having to try to work on things with me, and he can go and see her and fulfill the ridiculous obligation he thinks he has to her.
How do people try to work on reconciliation or their marriage when they are apart?
As I've mentioned before, I'm scared. I guess I will always have these feelings of anger. As I told him last night, I feel as if I've been tossed from a boat into the rough ocean and I'm trying to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel as if I don't have the strength to keep treading. But I'm trying my best for the sake of myself and my kids to keep my head above the rough waves. sounds silly but I don't know of any other way to put it.
I did wonder if I made a mistake by asking him to not see her today, and if I should have just not said anything and see how things went tonight, but my anxiety that builds every night is becoming unbearable.
Thank you for reading and any responses.

Hun, I got to agree with some of the other posts. Protect your family and yourself. Set the rules. I think he is wanting both lifes and it is not fair to you or your children, what example is he setting for them?? He reminds me of a child, testing to see how much they can get away with before getting into trouble.

Be firm..... dont let him run all over you. If he does move out, I know it will hurt evn more, but you just got to hope for the best will come out of it. That he will realize that he cant treat you this way and that he wants to make a go of this marriage, or if he doesnt come back that you will find peace knowing that you tried your best and maybe find a better future.

It is hard draing the lines, it scared me, but I am glad I did in the end. It gave me a little dignity back that he had taken away with the A. I love my H and I cant picture life witout him, I am glad that he made the right decsion but I know I could not live in a marriage with him having a OW. I dont deserve that, I would of let him go if he crossed the lines.

I had read somewhere, that the one having the A will have to go thru withdraws of wanting to see the other, but if they really wanted to make the M work they will fight the temptation. He might think that it might be easier to move out but he will have a rude awakening, and you might find after the initail shock of him doing so that you do have more strength then you realized and dont need to go thru all that.

Be firm hun and even tho it might not look like it in the beginning and maybe not the way you wanted it to be but it will come out for the better in some way. Tell him no way will you put up with C with OW, not saying you should but if I told my H that and he walked out the door to have dinner with OW the locks would be changed before he came home.

It's not about his needs anymore, it is not about OW needs anymore, it is about you and your children now. Hold your head up and look him square in the eyes and say enough is enough.

And even if stayed I would file for CS right away. Trust me on that one, I didnt know about this site, and was never told to do that, and really wished I would of known, because we have been taking to the cleaners bad, now no matter what happens COM will always be in last place to the OC and that is not fair.

{{{Hug}}}}, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

It doesn't seem like you and your H is on the same page...if your not on the same page, then it won't work.

What do you want? That's the question you have to keep asking yourself. It's not about him or anyone or anything else. If you want things to be different...then something different is going to have to happen.

I agree with some of the other ladies...I think its time to look out for you and your children now. If he threatens the separation...then tell him that is his decision...you can't control him. Then if he leaves (it just may be a tool to threaten you with, and if it is...be concerned...very concerned) then go and file child support.

I'm not telling you that your marriage is over. I'm not telling you that this can't be fixed, but I am telling you that it can't be done with things going status quo. Don't do anything thinking he will respond in any particular way...whatever you do, be prepared for whatever. He may stay, he may go...now it is time for you to think about you...noone else will.

I will be sending special prayers to you.

If I was the only one fighting for our marriage....I'd lose. Now you need to sit and really think about what you want.

File for the legal separation, DO NOT WAIT. You WILL get screwed if the OW files before you. Please, read the other posts on this board, there are many who wish they had filed. It does not mean you are divorcing, it is mainly to protect you and your assets.

Please listen to these women, they have lived thru this and know how to handle these situations.

To give an update to what's been happening.
First of all, I have been putting off writing anything here because I feel guilty that everyone has given me advice, and I have not followed it. That's another reason Ive also only told a few select people around me. Everyone has advice and i appreciate it, but I feel that when i don't follow it, people will give up on me. I don't want to look like a sucker, I have already been able to go past my feelings of why me or any other feelings of guilt.
My H is still at home with us. After a few sleepless nights of venting, crying and frustration, I can't say we are 100% better, but as of this moment, we are okay. He still does have C with OW, but it's been very limited, as far as I can tell, to phone calls. He has said that he will go by and see her once a week, but with a time limit and I will know ahead of time when that is. I know many will think I'm stupid for accepting this, but if I'm willing to try and see if this will work, this is what I'm willing to accept and what I can bear with during this trial period. Honestly, I'd rather I know, than not know.
H and I have been getting along a lot better than before. Our lines of communication are a lot clearer. I know, I know, again, many will think I'm dumb for thinking all this, but I genuinely feel that he is trying to save this marriage. We have been spending a lot more time together, and I limit our time talking about the OW and OC to once a week.
He knows that his future in this house depends solely on me. He will ask every so often, so are you going to kick me out? I only tell him that I still don't know because that's how I truly feel. I don't mean to string him along, but I need him to know that if he doesn't live up to his end of the bargain, he's out.
Of course, there are those quiet moments that I start to think of OW and the whole A and get upset and wonder whether I'm making the right decision or not. But again, only i can decide what I can take and what i can't, and at least for the moment, I can say that we are both actively participating in saving this marriage and only time will tell where it goes from here.

StaceyT -

Please don't ever feel like you are judged or have disappointed someone on this board. We are all here due to a common sitch (OW/OC) - that doesn't mean we are the same personalities or have the same R w/H or have th ability to handle the same emotional load.

People here write in a give advice based on their experience. There is no pressure to use the advice. It is only information for you to process in your own personal sitch and use it how you see fit.

I lost many close personal friends (so I thought friends)when I chose not to get D and it was painful. But no one on MB ever judged me for my choices - only offered advice that I could take or leave with no consequences attached.

Please try to feel at home here to vent and ask questions and probably be given advice - but use it as you like and don't feel like you are labeled on this board.
One thing I have learned through this ordeal is to stay true to who I know I am and I believe that has ben a large factor in our recovery.

Hang in there and keep posting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Beth

Stacey

It is your life and no one can tell you the decisions you have to make. They are yours and yours alone. We can only tell you about our experiences and give the best advice we can give.

Have you spoken to the OW? Does she know the terms you and your h have agreed upon? I would be extremely cautious your h going to her home and being alone with her. It may work for you and it is great if it does. My h "secretly" visited the 1st alleged OC only for 5 years later for another 2nd alleged OC. I just think visits to the OW's home is disrespectful to you and may be placing your h in a situation where he may be tempted and it may be an another affair waiting to happen. Maybe it will be OK since it is in the open, and you are far more trusting than I am. I just can't allow my h to ever set foot in the OW's home again (OC ages 16 & 10, secret visits all along, they both claim no relationship, just 2 ONS). I still do not trust my h and I trust her even less.

I wish the best for you and hope it works out. Don't worry about following anyone's advice. It is your life.

God Bless You

Ann

Stacey, we each live our own version of this situation and what works as a compromise for one wouldnt for anyone else. Dont feel bad because you have made a decision based on your own particular circumstances. That is your right. None of us are there living your life and we certainly wont judge you on it.

and as for advice, it is just that, advice. Offered freely in the spirit of friendship and common circumstances but never with a requirement it should be followed. so dont feel bad sweety and keep posting.

lots of love

Carolyn

I can relate to your situation withyou being married so young and really making your husband you you children you life. I know i did and I married to stay married for ever.

Its going to hurt you health wise to feel all that anxiety when he is out seeing her or if you do not know where he is. Have you lost a bunch of weight yet? if not you will.

I feel everything you are saying in your posts so deeply because i have felt similar things in the past with my H.

Its gut wrenching. You feel sick to your stomach at times i am sure.
I am glad I found boards like this as well I really needed to find someone else to talk to my poor best friend was constantly getting calls from me so when i found boards like this she got a break from my extreme sadness which really hurt her as well since she felt my pain.

I hope we can be your sudo best friends or sister here so you can get it all out and then eventually you will realize that you just dont want to talk about it as much any more that is the place I am at now. I got so tired of reliving the stories and drama over and over that I decided to let it go and not tell my story any more just help others with my experiences.

Take our advice or leave it - we will still listen and offer you cyber ((((hugs)))

I am sorry if I came off as pressuring you. I would just hate to see you get the short end of the stick in all of this. I have seen posted here time and again that the courts stick it to the MM and leave nothing for the COM. Maybe you could talk to your H about filing a legal separation and getting CS for your children before OW has a chance to file. It will protect your family in the long run. No one has to know you're not actually separated. Explain to him the benefits of doing this, maybe he'll see that you are protecting your family from losing money that should go to your COM.

If you don't use the advice, no one will judge you. Like the others said, we just give you advice because we care, we are not saying you HAVE to use it.

Take care, we wish you the very best.

Thank you everyone again for taking the time to read and reply. I am so lucky to have found this site and to be able to hear from others who have been through the same.
this may be short-lived, but it appears that ow is mad at my h and is not taking his calls, only informed him by email of her doctor visit. I cannot tell you how elated I was to hear this, but again, this could be short-lived. From what I've been able to gather, she went to the doctor on wednesday, which is also his day off. He had no intentions of going with her to this visit, but he did know about it since he talked to her in the morning. Well, since I had taken the same day off, and we spent the day with our kids, he never had the chance to call again, which he would never be allowed to do anyway, and she didn't call him, knowing he was with us. I think what got her mad was that he knew she went to the doctor and he didn't call to find out how it went. so when he called her on thursday, she was already angry. She never answered his calls yesterday, only sent him an email stating that she went to the doctor and he scheduled an amniocentesis. He replied to her, asking what her problem was and she didnt respond. He tried calling her again, but she didn't answer. He finally left her a message telling her that if she is choosing to go this alone, fine with him, that if she's mad about not calling on wednesday too bad because she knows he was with his family and that's just the way things are (meaning she has to remember her place), and that he would still be providing his part of the responsibility regardless if she wanted it or not. He also told her that somehow, someway, he would still go and check on her once a week to see that her stomach(baby) was fine and that's all that he wanted. She has not called him back.
We'll never know if she's mad that she's now realizing her place in all this or if she is feeling overwhelmed by his attention or if she truly just wants to go this alone. We'll never know.
The way he talked yesterday, it appears that this is the same thing she did in the beginning and he claims that this is the last time he's going to try to reach out to her. I wish I were sure that he means that.
but do I hope that this stays like this??? Heck yeah.
I guess it would be selfish of me to pray for this, right?
Is there anyone out there that's H maintained C with the OW during her pregnancy?

Sorry cant help you there. When I found out I said no more contact, no matter what the reason. In the years that we have been married I have never really put my foot down before but I did then, no more contact, he choose to sleep with the OW, and now I had to choose to forgive him, and if he had the choice my way or leave. He had no problem with doing it my way. To me it would of made me feel like I was 2nd place, that it was disrespecting me and our marriage. I would hate to go thru a pregnacy alone but I would of never put myself in the position of having to do that either. But please keep in my mind that is me, the type of person I am, and just because you might choose another way I would not think any lesser of you. I just hope for the best cause it is going to be tough. It is hard enough with just the knowing trying to work it out without the OW, there is no way I could made a go of it with OW still in the picture. If you do decide to let the C continue during the pregnacy, I would say that it can only be by a brief phone call or email after a dr. visit. Going to her house, is really to much to ask of you, something your H shouldnt even be asking to do!! And it could lead to alot more problems, besides being just rigt down wrong.


I hope so too :-)

About the other woman calling.... I think she is playing head games, trying to get your H to run to her. Dont let her win, and hopefully your H wont fall for it and keep trying to contact her. I can see it now, he will stop and after a while she will be calling and saying you dont love me no more.... and all that boo hoo. Nothing more then a head game and I hope your H will realize that the OW is a pro at it.

Stay strong, search your soul and decide what is best for you and your COM, not for your H or OW. Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.