I'm prod of you, AGG.

I understand your concern about creating the wrong impression. However, you can't control her impressions. You can only be direct & clear & honest in your talk about the future. Some of that honesty will include how sad this is for you...even though there is no future.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />


(If you didn't quite understand my short post above, connect it to these conversations and you will know why... What you are planning to do... that is not a small thing at all... just confirm my(our, I'm sure) opinion how strong and wise you are and know yourself and your needs... I got more 'between lines' than you might think... would be more proper if we talk about some time later on, if needed at all...)

Regards & a big hug (even if you change your mind till tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

Here's another little story: I dated a nice man. We were getting close & at a point where physical contact was looking like something to consider. He told me he had a condition that made me decide not to consider further physical contact. He's a nice man & I was sorry things went this way. I told him had this not been a go no further position for me we'd be...having fun right that minute. I was clear I liked him, clear he...appealed to me, clear I was sorry things couldn't have worked out differenltly.

I'm still in touch with him & after just a few emails after the course of not being in touch for a few months, we'll be meeting for lunch soon. As friends.

Awww, thanks...


I'd be happy to listen.

AGG

That is sweet, nams. Unfortunately, G and I have crossed that line, and the "friends" thing is much more difficult to establish, without one of us (her?) hoping to restart things. I suppose at some point down the line it might be possible, but we are both so attracted to each other that I doubt the "friends only" thing would work. But yes, I have to admit that in the back of my mind I am wondering if we can be "just friends", but I wonder if my mind is doing this simply to soften to blow for both of us...

Really, as you will see when I describe all the details, I still adore her and am totally connected to her. I love spending time with her. I just know that she can never be marriage material for me - I know, some of you will say "why get married? just have fun dating!), but I know that she wants marriage, and really so do I - and for every day I am dating Ms. Wrong (gawd, I hate seeing that label attached to G all of a sudden <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />) is a day I could be missing out on meeting Ms. Right. Not like I have that on my mind right now, I cannot get the image of G's lovely face out of my head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Yeah, just "friends" can't work for a long time....we're talking at least a year of no contact, where healing has occurred, and you've both moved on....it just sucks b/c all of a sudden this person who was so prominent in your life, whom you adore, isn't around, CAN'T be around, and man does that hurt like a mo' fo'...but you know this AGG and will work thru it.

Still makes me sad. I too had high hopes for our "good guy" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Damn AGG, are you 100% positive about this? I guess we'll know more when you are ready to dish....

I guess it's never 100% sure...

In the end, I think this is a weird example of being off-the-charts compatible with someone in the Wavelength and Sexual Dimensions, but totally off-base in the Practical Dimension.

So, the chemistry was incredible, and I love/adore/enjoy being with her. If that is all I wanted (a great, fun GF), G would be my #1 pick. But, I want more, and so does she - and with our strong Practical incompatibility (at least in some key areas), I cannot see myself being happy living with her - nor her with me.

So, yes, I have not started liking her any less, or adoring her any less, but I know we cannot live together - does that add up to 100% sure? I would love to say "no", but I know it's "yes".

Interestingly, I think this is exactly why I am so against LDRs or "casual" dating - if G and I had not really focused on each other and spent the time together that we had, it might have taken us years to figure out just how incompatible we were. Again, if we were only looking for companionship, that might have been just dandy, but with both of us "spouse shopping", as wiftty calls it, this quicker ending is much better. IMO. Especially with her still having hopes of having a child <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG~~

Wow, that's a tuff one. It shows maturity that you aren't all about fun, but looking at the practical aspect in a partner as well.

I have to tell ya, your sitch hurts my stomach, honestly it does.

I'm wishing you all the best [and G] and honest to goodness, wanting to learn from you on handling a break up.

Take care,
Karona

My point in telling the above little story was not to say, "Oh, don't worry you can be friends.". It was more to illustrate how being honest, not trying to project what ifs into a situation, direct others impressions, allowing your feelings to show & be known can make a difficult situation open for the future.

Last little story, I promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My 15 year old son had his first girlfriend this past summer. She is a very pretty girl, sweet & thoughtful, but not as curious or informed about the world as my son. He clearly enjoyed being wanted but I saw him struggling with the fact they didn't have much to talk about.

He started to lose interest. Fortunately she lives in another state about 2 hours away. He started corresponding with a girl he'd gone to middle school with. Someone he could talk politics, music, books, etc. with. He didn't know how to brake up with his first girlfriend. He knew he had to but couldn't muster the courage. Too much time went by & I reminded him he was being unfair & before he saw the girl from his middle school he had to break up with the other girl.

He wanted to tell her they had nothing in common, he couldn't talk to her, but it sounded a bit harsh. Even though that was true, the new girl was also playing a role too.

In the end he said he'd been back in touch with the his old friend, felt they had a lot in common & had much to talk about & wanted her to know. He said he'd see her this summer & felt they could be friends. The honesty was there without the harshness, he left open the door. The first girlfriend called him about a week after this (one brave girl) & they talked both feeling good about their conversation.

Who knows if they can be friends or will want to. But, being honest about what you want & showing respect for the other person lays the ground work for a future with the other person in you life. In what capacity, to what degree? Time will tell.

AGG:

Been reading this thread and I feel for ya! It is a tough deal. Your sitch reminds me of a thought that I've been having lately and I'd like to hear how you feel about it. (Please - everyone share your thoughts as well.)

Due to our respective. historical circumstances (Divorce, betrayal, etc.) - is there a chance that we tend to focus on only the negative aspects of potential mates and run the risk of passing up a great relationship? I mean let's face it - if we set our minds to it; we can find fault(s) in everyone. I'm sure there is a balance - however sometimes I wonder if we have placed our expectations on an unreasonable level!

FR

Good question, FR. I think there is definitely that chance, and I know I am somewhat guilty of wanting the "perfect woman". I am trying so hard to separate dealbreakers from annoyances, and am still not sure I know what I can settle for and what I can't.

And perhaps it is precisely this thought that was in the back of my mind when I was chatting with G last night, telling her all of my concerns, and <drumroll> decided to give things some more time.

Anyway, I think you are on to a very important topic, and I'd love to see what others will say. In the meantime, I am starting to compose an update for you all, to catch you up on developments and observations, and then I'll look forward to your comments and 2x4's...

AGG

My thoughts exactly FR.

I mean what ever happened to love, to letting things happen naturally, to acceptance...what ever happened to the journey?

It would seem to me that the only deal-breaker when you meet someone who really does it for you would be the inability to compromise, and the inability/unwilingness to work towards solving the various problems that arise in all relationships.

It seems to me AGG, that you have completely managed to remove all the mystery, the beauty, and the acceptance loving someone brings.

I happen to be attracted to those that are a bit eccentric, so someone who is too perfect would just bore me senseless.

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I am having major trouble with red-flags as well as triggers, but they happen for me before the R even starts...if I get to the point of intimacy with someone than usually I am already a gonner, and have decided to overlook the little anoyances already.

That's possible, too.
But I think the main thing is that we have NOT learnt 'the lesson', although we are proud 'how far we are', and giving 'time to heal'...

Most people STILL put main compatibilities in this order:
1. Sexual Dimension
2. Wavelength Dimension
3. Practical Dimension

and that is just OK if only dating, having fun... but NOT if someone wants Marriage where priorities should come totally in opposite order (not excluding any of these compatibility, of course)...

That is quite possible. Maybe this is what I get for looking at things "clinically", like some have referred to Harley's concepts of ENs and the Love Bank. As for me, I am a believer that love does not conquer all, and that if the ENs are not met and the compatibility is not there, then love suffers. But that is just me, of course, YMMV <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Agreed. It's all matter of how "little" the annoyance are, isn't it? If they are big enough, they could grow to be the most painful Love Busters of all, over time.

AGG

Well, y'all, being the official Red Flag waver, let me chime in a tad...... I almost believe the polar opposite... You see many of us forged through our 1st relationship(s) color blind, seeing only green flags until we were too far down the path or destruction had already occurred. So where does that leave us? Some would say jaded, however, hopefully some of us are smarter not only about relationships but about ourselves. Wise enough to now know what we can and what we can't live with in our lives.

And yes it is all about the acceptance and the journey and all that jazz, however, you have to start dancing with the right partner before the journey begins. If anything, I think some of us are too slow with the red flags, thus we further invest ourselves and our loved ones in a situation that obviously isn't a fit for us and cause more hurt and more pain......

Anywho, that's my couple of pennies....

As I recall, the author actually says that if you had to choose, you should make sure you have Wavelength compatibility above the others, because that is what helps you "get" each other. I agree, for pure dating, the order above is great; I think for marriage, it should be 2,1,3. Or maybe 2,3,1, depending on how important AS is to the partners.

AGG

What book is this from?

I know, it is such a fine line...getting to know someone enough to know they are a good fit, but not to get so close where people really get hurt if you change your mind.

How do you reconcile the sexual aspect of it? If you need to find out if the sexual compatibility is there before you make your decision?...I think that that is where people (especially women) end up with broken hearts if it doesn't work out. We get so attached and also feel very strong feelings of love once we have shared this sacred part of ourselves with someone.

It's tough for sure.

From mine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />