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So you are saying that a relationship will more than likely NOT last if it started based on lies? That makes sense. But what if the two people make it through all the lies and exposure and underhandedness and they are still together and start meeting each others needs. Can that last? Since everyone is saying that ANY 2 people can fall in love if they are meeting each others EN.
Zorro94
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Again, MB only can help relationships that were built on a good foundation, i.e. honesty, loyalty, committment.
It will do nothing to aid in a fantasy built on the shifting sands of lies, secrecy and pain.
Taking asprin helps if you have a headache, but will do nothing to kill cancer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> very kewl analogy me like Pep
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Yo bay - Something else to ponder. My XW married the guy (she wasn't having an affair with <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ) 5 months after our divorce and 4 months after his. OM's former wife was her (former) best friend. With that start, and fully knowing they each married a known adulterer, can you imagine watching your backside continuously? Who needs THAT kinda "love"? WAT ------------- All things considered, I'd rather be the BS ANY day.
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Joined: Sep 2005
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Albeit a little beside the point but, Trix:
Not all married couples have children, my H and I don't. Not to mention all the shared history is not that great (in our case). Almost any relationship is a crap shoot. If I am 99% sure that the marriage I will have with my H post-A (mine) will be the same or worse than pre-A, why would I want to save it? In my case, I don’t KNOW that we can be happy again.
I think Lost is on a valid track, if 2 affair partners leave their spouses/SO’s and realize that trust and dishonesty are some of the first big things they have to work on, and they want to work on things using MB principles, (by this time they have been or are still in love, have shared history, etc.) they could probably make it work.
my .02
/return to lurking
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Joined: Oct 2005
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LOL
Here was I thinking the question wasn't based on your thoughts about wether or not to attempt recovery.
The Harley Book - "The One" or "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" pretty much makes the arguement that any 2 people, even SAME SEX couples can fall in love if their EN's are being met!
So in that case why bother with recovery?
Well lots of reasons actually. If you have children it's almost no contest than recovery is way the best option. One spouse may well love the other one still and the WS may in fact still love their BS. Harley does say that in a short term marriage with no children divorce can be the best option. Recovery isn't for wimps.
As to the adulterors, it is a fact that in most affairs, the WS is unable to have all their needs met by their OP. That is why Plan B works - because in Plan B the OP HAS to meet all EN's of the WS and most cannot.
The harley books also talk about basic compatibility as well - all these basic factors (eg roughly equivalent IQ's mean you will have something to talk about) plus EN's being met enable 2 people to fall in love.
Bay - if you still have love for your spouse and you have children together, your best option is probably reconcilliation - remembering you have an absolute biblical right to divorce by grounds of adultery. At the end of the day it's your choice but your best choice for you and your children is if you stay married to your husband IMHO.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I'm still stuck with the thought - if it works with anyone why are WS and me special to each other. I believe you are [color:"blue"]special[/color] to each other because of the vows you made to each other and/or (depending on your belief system) to God regarding each other. If words such as holy union and forsaking all others don't make us feel [color:"blue"]special[/color], then I don't know what would. Our continued CHOICE to uphold those vows is the culmination of making our spouses feel [color:"blue"]special[/color] - and when one or both spouses fail at this, own their failure, and set out to return to what is holy and true, they proclaim, by their actions, that their spouse is indeed [color:"blue"]special[/color] - else why bother?!? Although once I would have said differently, I, too, do not believe in "the One". It is also my opinion that [color:"blue"]specialness[/color] is a condition of fact not a feeling. Kind regards, MAzingrace
...how sweet the sound
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And Eagle is onto something also. The reason that the OP and WS dont work out is that they are at the basis of the relationship...selfish. The meeting of needs is only because they want their needs met. Not all of them, though, Some are being met still by the spouse. But as things go along, and they are exposed, they DEMAND that the OP meet those new needs in the way that they need them met. And fortunately, they cant because they are also in selfish mode!
In His arms. Therein lies the difference between lust and love. U think after the hornymoon of the A wears off..... you think picking up after him, doing his laundry, paying his bills w/b fun? LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> If so, I'll send her our bills.....what's her addy? LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> L.
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It's a toughie isn't it?
You believe the MB stuff and want to "fall in love" all over again, and sustain that feeling but are worried that it can be "manufactured" through practice rather than being natural.
With regards to recovery, it is more than a litle difficult right now as WS still works with OW (until July)
So for the moment we are operating a weird kind of Plan b twist (see my thread) where I don't sleep at home during the week, although I still care for the kids, and me and WS only meet up at weekends when he doesn't have to go to school.(Where he works with OW) We are attending joint counselling, but I am stuck in limbo land waiting to re-commit to him and only feel able to "risk" it when he has NC with OW.
Very sticky. But then aren't all A's?
Kate xxx
Me - BS 35
Him - WS 31
H started EA/PA with work colleague in Jan 05
D day April 05
A ended April 05
WH still works with OW
WH re-established (letter) contact with OW April 06
I have 2 kids (DS 7 and 2), 2 dogs, a full time job (primary school teacher) and am crushed-but loving this site.
_________________________________________
O.K so it wasn't "real life" but I miss the innocence.
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