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I am experiencing a nightmare in my marriage that I would love to wake up from. I am hurting so much and I don't know what to believe or how to move foward. My husband is in the military and has been deployed to Iraq. I am a military wife that has to face the burden of being left behind with 3 small children while trying to maintain a long distance relationship with my husband.

I cannot find the words to explain how disapointed I am from what I am about to share with you. My husband was gone for a month on a military training and just came back for 5 days before actualy taking of to Texas where he will be for 2 months. From Texas he will go to Iraq for 15 long months, that alone is a burden on our marriage.

When he came home I felt that there was something different in my husband attitude that made me believe that there was something he was hiding from me. In 05/01/06 he picked up a fight with me and when I asked him what was wrong he told me that he met a woman in the military that has been persistant into getting my husband to be with her. She even told him that she wants to see divorce papers before they meet in Texas. I was stuned to hear this but I was more stuned when he told me that he was actualy thinking of not comming home and just mailing me a letter with divorce papers.

He then told me that they have not had sex but have actualy been entertaining the idea of it and that she already told him that she would start taking birth control pils to avoid getting pregnant. He told me they have been kissing, hugging, and going out to dinner movies, etc. but no sex.

I wanted to pick him up from the military school but he refused by telling me that it would not be necesary and that it would be long trip for me and my children. To just meet him somewhere in between. Now I realize that he didn't want me to pick him up because she didn't want to see me and I would interfier with them saying their good byes.

He told me he came home confused hoping to find the way to tell me what happend during the 30 days that he was gone and that he wants me to forgive him for thinking of leaving me. He told me he liked the woman and that she is very persistant and convincing. Now he is confused because he is home and he does love me and would not want to destroy our family. He actualy was hopping that I cheated on him so that he would not feel as guilty. I cant seem to grasp how this woman was able to distract my husband to the point of wanting to give everything up for her.

My husband has betrayed my trust and I am having such a hard time because he tells me he loves me but all I can think of is him kissing that woman. Every time he got near me i became angry and the I would wonder if he held and kissed her the same way he does me? He was man enought to tell me the truth and I thank GOd he came home instead of acting upon what he was thinking. I cannot imagine what I would have done if I went to the maild box and found those divorce documents. I think that would have been the end of me and it would have left me in shock. I had no idea my husband woudl ever think of being unfaithful to me but here we are.

I told him that I was glad he told me the truth but I would have rather him not cheated. I told him I held him accountable for his actions and that he was violating the promise he made on our wedding day of being faithful and to be together till death do us part.

He promised me he would end what ever was going on between them and that he would want us to renew our wedding vows when he came back from Iraq and that he doesn't want to loose me. I took him to the airport yesterday morning to take a flight to Texas where he will face this woman but I am afraid that if he was able to convince him the first time around what would stop her from doing it again? She is in the same unit and they will be sharing the same ground for the next 15months or so, if she is not able to get to him now she has plenty of time to try again. Will he give in to her? I don't know.

If staying behind for so long was going to be a burden in our family, can you imagine how I feel now knowing that there is a possiblilty that i might loose my family to another woman. I read the 4 sections regarding infidelity and it would be a great source of information to hold on to but in my case he is not going to be with me all that time but she will. I want to believe that my husband will end this nighmare he has created and be faithful to me until he returns home but I am devistated because in that period of time many things can happen,

I want to be strong for my family and I don't want to dwell on his mistake but how do I move foward when the nightmare has just begun. I am here miles away from him and I feel like I have my hands tied behind my back while this woman is there to confort him by making herself available.

TO tell you the truth, just the thaught of that frightens me. What can I do to make myself visable while he faces all this time next to her. How do I keep sanity while time goes by. My children and I will be waiting for my husband and i will be faithful to him while he protects our country, I just hope that he is man enough to stand up for his family.

How do I compete with that woman being so far away and what can I do to make a lasting impression in his heart to keep him faithful till he returns? Please help me.

Susie76,

Trying posting on GQII, you might get more feedback.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've read posts on GQII w/similar military situation as yours. Not sure, but isn't adultery against military code of honor? If that's the case, you might look into it and talk to his supervisor or commanding officer? I don't know the hieracrhy of military.

Is the OW married? If so, her H would need to know.

Have you exposed the A to anyone? His family, friends? Expose it to them.

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. But I know the feelings of betrayal, hurt, pain, anger. I've been there.

You two will need MC when he returns.

Good luck

how do I move foward when the nightmare has just begun.

[color:"yellow"] [/color] You just move on and you will. Just look at your children. They need you and they are your source of strength. Enjoy them and be continue being the best parent for them.

"How do I compete with that woman being so far away and what can I do to make a lasting impression in his heart to keep him faithful till he returns? Please help me."

[color:"yellow"] [/color] You can't compete with the fantasy or illusion of an affair. No one can because illusions have no flaws. A is an escape from reality. Most WS realize the stupidity of their decision when realities of their A takes hold.

Susie, we're so sorry to see you here. Your husband is engaged in at least an emotional affair (EA) that will almost certainly progress to a physical affair (PA) if you don't do something to stop it. That's the last time I will use the word "affair," by the way. I use the less kind word "adultery" to describe what is happening. It's true and it's accurate.

I'm a retired Air Force E-9, Susie. My experience doesn't translate completely to U.S. Army, but things are very similar. There is a MB pro on the General Questions II, forum who is ex-army. His screen name is Mortarman. I suggest you start a thread on GQ II because the "Just Found Out" forum is one that most MB pros do not frequent. You'll get a lot more feedback on GQ II.

Now, you have the ability to break up this thing, but you will hesitate to use your strongest weapon. You've been told adultery is a crime punishable under the UCMJ and you've probably been told if the commander finds out about it, your husband will be court marshaled, etc., etc. While that’s true, it REALLY almost never happens. In a 26-year career, I saw it only a couple of times and they were both VERY extreme cases.

What you need to do, Susie, is get through to your husband's commander and let him know what is going on. The commander cannot allow things like adultery in his command. It undermines moral and discipline and he will almost certainly take action. If one of them supervises the other, there will be immediate action. If it doesn't happen, you go to the IG at progressively higher levels.

Susie, you need to know the woman's name if at all possible. Actually, the commander needs to know as many details as you can tell him so he can take action.

The most probable outcome is your husband will get a REAL harsh counseling and what is called a "direct order” to cease contact with the woman. He deserves the counseling, in my opinion. He knows better. She'll get the same order. If they disobey the order, they will subject themselves to punishment and, hopefully, they'll be smart enough to not disobey.

Okay, for more feedback and help in setting up a plan for recovery, come to GQ II, okay, Susie? The pros there are waiting to help.

Longhorn

I fallowed your advice and I called the family awarness program to seek advice. I talk to a lutenant's wife who does not tolerate infidelity specialy not in the military. She was so discusted by the situation that she called one of the lutenants in texas and explained the situation to him. I am relieved to hear that as of today they are no longer in the same platoon and they both will be set aside for counceling. They are not allowed to communicate with each other and they will be watched constantly. They have been order to stop seeing other and if there is any further contact they both will have to face further actions.

Thank you so much ... now I can breath a litle. I still have not heard from my husband it is 6:30 in Texas so they might be talking to him right now. The lutenant will have my husband call me tonight but I am a bit afraid of the outcome. Will he be angry cause I got the military involved? what will they tell him? what could be going through his head? I just don't know what to expect from all this.

One thing is for sure, he will have to think twice before talking to anothe wm during the entire time he is away from home... mission acomplished

thanx for your support .. but how do i post on the site you told me about? If you read the message that I posted earlier regarding what I did, you will see why I am happy yet afraid of what the otcome of the counceling might be. wish me luck.
I hope to hear from my husband tonight.